I am having a horrible day. My day literally started at 0100. I slept for a few hours, from 2200 to 0100 and I was up for the night. I went back to sleep around dawn. Was up for a few hours and then tried to get back to sleep around 0800 or 0900. Fail. I finally gave up around 1130. In the times that I did sleep, I had another weird dream about children and elevators. It was winter time and we were going to take the children sledding but the elevator malfunctioned and we ended up at a hospital that was at an airport. I don’t know what that is about. Absolutely makes no sense. Other than me possibly wanting to get away either through an airport or a hospital admission. I don’t know.
I had therapy and we talked about the weird dream and me not sleeping. I told her I am getting to my wits end. The heat is not helping. I still have to clear a path for my bro in law to install the AC. Maybe I will do that after I write this blog. We also talked about my suicidality and the need to attempt suicide. I don’t know why I feel like this. I just feel like everybody will be better off without me. I just feel so low and useless. I know my sister needs me because I have to pick up my niece next week. She doesn’t have the after school program anymore. But I just hope my ankle doesn’t flare up other wise I will be in pain and I am not looking forward to that. I just wish I wasn’t in pain every single day. I have not had a “day off” from pain in weeks.
So because I am thinking of an attempt, my therapist is taking out the old SSF to assess where I am at. She will do this assessment tomorrow. The SSF (Suicide Status Form) is an assessment used to assess and evaluate suicidality. In addition to this assessment, it also lists goals of treatment that both the clinician and client agree upon. The beauty of this assessment is that it allows collaboration in the treatment of suicidality rather than have the clinician be the expert. And the assessment is easier for the clinician as it also lists all the necessary documentation you would need for a session such as Axis diagnosis, progress notes, and date of next appointment.
The SSF was developed by a suicidologist, my idol, Dr. David Jobes. He developed this assessment so that clients that were suicidal did not get “lost” in the system and were treated as equals in their treatment, rather than have treatment as usual. To learn more about this, check out his book on the subject, Managing Suicidal Risk. It is a great book and also teaches you how to score the assessment at the end of the book. There are also classes you can take. His assessment tool follows under his framework, CAMS, Collaborating and Assessing Management of Suicidality. I write a lot about his work on my blog because I can’t stress the importance of suicide prevention. And this is one tool to do that.
So my therapist is pulling out this assessment tool on me tomorrow. I am not happy about it. I know how to “cheat” on it as I am the one to bring it to her attention. She is not proficient in promoting it despite my several attempts for her to go to Jobes’s workshops. She feels, like many therapists, that her training is adequate (it’s not) and she does not want to be a suicidologist. I am not asking her to change her ways, just add to her skill set. Every time she brings it out, I cringe because I know she doesn’t use it all the way through and that pisses me off. I feel like it is a waste of time because it is not used properly.
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