Long week of pain and no sleep

Long week of pain and no sleep

To my daily readers, I apologize for not writing. I have been hit with depression, pain, and insomnia all week so didn’t feel much energy to post, not even a picture. Usually I snag a pic during the night time hours as that is when the Twitter account I follow posts the cute pics. But I haven’t even looked at Twitter that much because I just couldn’t even read the tweets. If something caught my eye, I did but the majority of the accounts I follow didn’t get read. I just didn’t have the energy.

Tuesday, I had emailed my psychiatrist to ask if I didn’t sleep could I page her to talk. She responded and asked would I go along with a “brief” admission to see my sleep/wake cycle. Well that shut down all communication with her. I responded with no as I know what that entails and I wasn’t up. I wasn’t suicidal and the reason I couldn’t sleep was because of fucking pain! Yesterday I did an experiment with the Lamictal to see if it was the culprit in the insomnia now that my dose has increased. I think it sort of was because I finally was able to sleep last night until 2 PM today. Granted I had taken some Benadryl to help, but still, that is the most sleep I have had in like two weeks.

Yesterday I had my groceries delivered and wanted to make this low carb chicken dish that was sort of like a Florentine chicken. I thought it came out delicious. My mother said it sucked. I also didn’t make any side dishes with it (I was really hurting and just wanted to get off my fucking feet so didn’t think to make one). So she had whatever she had and then reheated her chicken cacciatore that she made the other day. I wanted to bring the leftover to my barber today but it is too late now to do it. I don’t like reheated chicken. If there are left over chicken dishes, I will eat the chicken cold, including Chinese food.

Tuesday, I was up at 530 after getting maybe 2 hours of sleep. I didn’t want to go back to sleep because there was stuff I wanted to do. So I got my haircut and then I baked chocolate chip cookies with the new recipe I had. OMG these cookies are so friggen good! I love them. I bought more chocolate chips in my grocery order just so I had enough to make more cookies if I felt up to it. My friend who gave me the recipe asked if I halved the recipe and I said no. She said I was going to have a shit load of cookies and I did. I had like 4 trays of cookies. But they are yummy so I don’t care. The batter is thick and took some time to mix in the oats and chips in it. I thought I mixed it well but there was just plain oats at the bottom of the batter. I just scooped it on the tray. I didn’t care. I was getting tired as it took me 3 hours to make these as our oven sucks. Each tray took around a half hour to make (give or take 5-10 minutes). The bottom baked better than the top, which meant shuffling the tray. My niece liked the cookies and she doesn’t like oatmeal! I am glad I have cookies to eat because, well, I am a cookie monster. I also bought sugar cookies with my grocery order. LOL told ya, I am a monster. I also bought the roast beef that I love. My hope is to make sandwiches on days I have therapy as the day is long. The bus schedule sucks and if I miss a bus it could be up to two hours before I can go home.

I thought I was a financial wizard this month as I had 30 bucks left in my account but, alas, nope. I forgot to pay one bill, which will be on Monday as I don’t yet have a credit on the grocery order. I was supposed to get a pound of American cheese and only got half. They over charge you anyway and it takes like 5 days to get the money back into the account. I got the email this morning saying the credit has been issued so I hope by Tuesday I can pay this one last bill. I withdrew cash so I can pay for my meds this month. I did sort of buy stuff at Amazon but it was much needed. I shaved my head last night with a new blade and got razor burn so bad. I used the oil, too, so I don’t know why it hurt so much. So I bought an after shaving balm. I also bought cooling racks for the cookies because the trays we have SUCK!! You can only fit like 4-5 cookies on the rack. That is only not even ½ a tray of cookies! So I bought bigger ones. They weren’t that expensive, $16 for 4, which I thought was a deal. I don’t go to stores and I know Walgreens doesn’t sell them. I know they probably sell the after shave but I wanted a balm not a liquid. Hope it works because it took a while for it to calm down and I was in so much pain with my feet I just had to endure the burn on my head.

I found some exercises for my foot to do until I go to PT next week. I am getting so stressed out with going again. It is just that it is a long bus ride and then I have the appointment, then a bus to the station for the long bus ride home. I might cancel the appointment because I have two doctor appointments the following day and if I am sore (which I could be), walking is going to be difficult and I got to go to two different buildings, which means walking around the hospital. But I want to see how the beginning of the week goes with regards to my sleep. If I am not sleeping well or get into a flare, it will be a no go. I did the exercises last night and today I am not hurting too much with my right foot, though the side where the tendon tear is, is hurting. I probably did too much yesterday because after the cooking dinner, I numbed my foot to take a shave and shower.

I bought chicken patties and had one today. I forgot how good they were. I might have another one after my mother watches her LOUD shows and is out of the kitchen. I spent nearly $200 on groceries because I was tired of not having food by the end of the month except whatever my mother made. I wanted to get fish sticks or filets but it was really expensive. Even the chicken patties were expensive but you are paying for the price of having it delivered. My iced coffee which I bought 5 of was $28. I wanted to have it last for a month. I love the iced coffee better than hot. I might mix and match as I still have the K-cups to make coffee.

My transition is going okay. I think my mother is noticing my voice changes because she said something earlier this week. She doesn’t know I am on T. I have had some throat irritation and she thought it was because of the cold. HAHA nope. I asked around and apparently it is due to voice changes. I am happy. I also accidently sent a friend a video that was suppose to go to someone else. Her husband saw the video and was immediately like who is that guy. That made me smile. I haven’t seen him since before my transition and he isn’t on Facebook. I felt bad on the error. I got to pay more attention to who I am sending stuff too! Geez! My sideburns are still thicker. I did notice some fuzz while I was making the said video last night. So maybe the hair will come in soon. My mustache is still taking forever to grow since I last shaved it. I see the TG doc next week so I hope she increases the dose. It will be my off week so if she wants bloods done, I can possibly have it. It will just depend on how I am feeling that day. Fridays can be either busy or crazy in the blood drawing lab. If it is crazy, I will wait. As long as she doesn’t need a urine sample because I hate giving one. Well, I don’t. My bladder does. Damn nerve injury caused retention so bad I need at least three hours before I can go after drinking a lot of fluid. Used to be an hour. Now, nope. I think the meds also don’t help. But it is what it is. Until next time my friends. And thank you for reading!

Transition day 60

Hi all,

With me feeling ill, I forgot to do a blog. If you want to follow me on Instagram, I am @midnightdemon7. I sometimes forget to post here as I do no want my pic on my blog.

My leg hair is thicker and less straggly. It is more uniform. With my mood stabilizer being decreased, I am having more energy so that has been good. I still have lost feminine features in my face. No facial hair growth but my side burns are longer and thicker. My eyebrows are as well. My barber noticed when i got my haircut the other day.

I haven’t hadn’t anymore voice changes. I seem to sound the same to me. I have been shaving my moustache to have it come in thicker and darker I hope.

The muscles have been fine since my last post. I had my shot a few days ago. It is getting easier to do. Guess that is all for now.

Transition day 42

This is really day 43 but close enough.

I noticed I have lapsed on my weekly writing. Sorry about that. Not much changes. I have some voice changes, sideburns are thicker. Mustache is darker. Facial changes still coming. I am losing my feminine looks. I just need to lose 40 pounds. No idea how to do that. I like my take out, pizza, and burgers with fries. It will be hard to give those up. I also love bread and pasta, though with the low sodium levels, I really haven’t eaten yet have gained weight. I am thinking it must be muscle mass increase as my legs have been sore and lately so have my arms and upper body. I would love to go to a gym and build muscle but no clue how. I think I can do it at home, starting slow like lifting tomato cans and the like. My PT had told me about that. Better than buying weights.

I am excited about the voice changes but it is leaving me with a sore and irritated throat some days. I bought some cough drops to help. My sister gave me some sugar free ones. I like them because I don’t get a sugary feel on my teeth once it dissolves. Unfortunately the kind I bought has sugar in them. The store was out of the sugar free kind, probably because I was looking for them.

I was shaving my little stubble and got my first nic. I bought some nic sticks so i could stop the bleeding. Damn thing bled so bad i had to put a bandage on. I didn’t care as it was night time and I didn’t have to go out.

Other than thicker sideburns, I haven’t noticed elsewhere of hair growth or thickening. No more facial hair other than my moustache. I had shaved it off and man, I didn’t think it was going to grow back!

I still don’t have a lot of energy but think that is because of the blood levels of sodium being low. Sucks being tired all the time, well, more so than I usually am.

I got my flu shot last week. She did a good job. I didn’t even feel it. I was kind of sore but only if I touched it. Thank god I haven’t felt sick like I have in the past. I have been real careful to wash my hands when I come home when I go out. I really don’t want to catch anything. My friend in Texas got a nasty bug. High fevers and shit. She is feeling better now that she got some meds. I care for her a lot. She is a good support for me during my down moods. I haven’t really been in a down mood in a while. I did have some suicidal thoughts when I was in a nasty flare last weekend but it passed. I still am dealing with pain but nothing more than usual, probably because I am resting/sleeping more than usual. I made a recipe Saturday and was completely wiped out afterwards. I slept for 4.5 hours! So unlike me!

Well I guess that is all. Hopefully there are more changes in the next week or so. I had the shot yesterday so fingers crossed for more changes. Until next time…be kind

Transition day 28

Transition day 28

Today is my 28th day on testosterone. I forgot to change the time on my med alarm so I woke up at 4 am because that is what I set it two weeks ago. I didn’t like waking up at that time at ALL! But I was awake and I have nothing to do today other than to try and get my books and journals organized a little better.

It was again difficult to get the medicine in the syringe. I am supposed to get 0.25 mg/mL and I got around 0.2 mg/mL so I had to redo it until I got that 0.05. The medicine is tough because the needle is long and the vial is short. I had to keep an eye on the bevel of the needle and where the medicine was so I could withdraw it. I thought it would be easier as time went on but nope. I am going to have a harder time with the last dose as there is not much left in the vial. It is going to be tricky. But I will worry about that in two weeks.

I took my selfies and posted them. I didn’t notice any changes. It was so early in the morning, I don’t think my friends were awake as they haven’t commented on it. My sister texted me around 8 am. She sent me pics of herself dressed up in a Halloween costume. She likes this time of year. I don’t. I really hate it. I guess I started hating it when teenagers started banging on the windows looking for candy. Um, that is not nice and no you aren’t getting anything. Go away! It was scary so I didn’t open the door to shoo them away. I try to stay away and keep the lights off so they don’t think anyone is home. My brother in law loves it as he just stands in the door and gives out candy. He usually isn’t dressed up though. I have no idea if my niece will be in costume this year.

I sort of noticed my voice changing today. It sounded deeper. I got excited. I still haven’t told my mother I am on hormones. I thought about it a million times but she isn’t going to care and she isn’t going to be supportive so why bother. I called my friend up in Canada to see if my voice changed and she said she hardly recognized me. Whoohoo for voice change!! My barber said the same thing when I saw him (last paragraph). I think this is so cool. I am so excited about this. I am going to post it on my social media accounts!! My barber also noticed that my sideburns are thicker. Now if only I could grow a damn beard!!

I want to get my haircut today or Friday. I might do it today. I really need a cut as I haven’t had one since the middle of September. You can’t see the cut anymore. It is just a mop. I know I will feel better once I have a nice cut. I had coffee today. I made it good as it was nice and strong. I am loving the Guatemala blend. It is stronger than Pike. I love my coffees. Espresso is a different kind and that is wicked strong. I love it but sometimes my stomach doesn’t. I get at least 5 shots at a time so it is really strong. I always have it with soy milk but sometimes the barista puts too much ice so not much room for soy and that makes me mad. I am tempted to just have a side of ice and pour it in myself rather than have the barista do it. I hate wasting a plastic cup but I have to dilute the espresso!

I was going to vote today and if I go out, I will. I tried to get my nephew and niece to vote. My nephew is a definite no and my niece is a maybe. I tried. I hope my niece votes. I know my other niece won’t because, sadly, she is an airhead sometimes. I don’t think she is in to politics. I wasn’t until the Orange Buffoon became president. He wants me and people like me erased so I will have him voted out. I want Congress to change so that they aren’t lifers and not do what they are sworn to do. Okay, I am off my soapbox about that.

I wonder with my voice changing if that is why my throat is a little more irritated than normal. I have no idea if when the voice box changes if there is irritation. It could just be allergies though. Yesterday I was so congested when I left for my MRI appointment. It was awful. My sister Ubered me to and from. I am grateful because it really hurt to walk. My right side was so sore from the fall. It is a little better today, though getting up really hurts. Once I start moving about it is okay. I want to go out so that I don’t become stiff.

I just realized I never published this. I got on the net and well, forgot about this. I got my haircut and then something to eat. I wanted mango juice but the store in the Square didn’t have it. I was walking around and my leg didn’t like it. I missed the bus so had to go take another bus to catch the one home. Ugh. My leg is really, really sore. I am not doing anything today. I thought moving around would help and it didn’t. I am tempted to cancel my appointments tomorrow. It is my first appointment with the pain program. I hope that I can do it tomorrow. I just hurt so damn bad. I really didn’t think I would be this awful but I guess I fell harder than I thought. PT is going to be soooo much fun. NOT.