Tag: writing

A Thank You and a Recipe

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

I made my chicken wings tonight. They came out so good. The recipe is simple, a bottle of Catalina salad dressing, jar of smuckers apricot preserves, and a packet of Lipton’s dry onion soup. Mix together on low heat. Cook the chicken at 350 degree oven for an hour and a half, covered. Then pour the sauce mixture on it for another hour and half and broil for the last 15 mins. They are delectable. I make them for special occasion but today I wanted something good.

I just wrote a goodbye letter to my ex who is finally my ex-ex. I have wrestled with what I would tell her. So decided to just write a long run off sentence or two about everything that was wrong with the relationship. I couldn’t come up with anything that was right. I have been there done that and this time it was finally over. It hurts like hell, but I am better off without her.

I also worked on my comparison paper and now I can say that it finally looks like a paper. Tomorrow I will wrestle with the printer or maybe I will just print it off so I can read it and proof it. I still have lots to do with it, such as the comparison part!!

Today I also started a page for Facebook for this blog. www.facebook.com/midnightdemons  I am excited about this as I can now be truly anonymous with my posting online. It took some figuring out but I was finally able to do it. I am not a web designer so it was kind of tricky to figure out. I hope that I am able to get more viewers this way and hopefully save a life with what I write on here. That is my only goal with this blog and I truly have some wonderful fans out there that read. So Thank You so much for supporting me

about suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychosis, suicide, suicide attempt

I had worked on Ramblings 15 today but have decided not to publish it because it is a rant more than anything. I have not been in a happy mood the past few days. Not that I am a happy person to start with, just that I have not been able to sleep at all the past week. It is driving me crazy. I sleep every few hours. It sucks. Last night I finally was able to get at least 5 hrs straight but I still am not in a good mood. I am not suicidal just crazy with sleep deprivation.

I did part of my Christmas shopping today. Now I am worried that I won’t have money to get my license renewed. I still have to pay off one more citation before I can get it renewed. Stupid laws in my state forbid any parking tickets or citations not being paid before renewal. I have to go into town sometime next week to pay off my last one. It’s not a huge pain in the butt but it kind of is. I am not sure if this place allows money order or cash. Some places don’t allow personal checks because they don’t want to deal with them bouncing.

The Savage God: book that I am reading, slowly, about the history of suicide. I find it very disturbing at times and have to read it in increments. It is a good book, just when you feel suicidal it kind of revs you up while you are reading it because you know exactly what the author is writing about.

Speaking of suicides, I recently read an article ( http://www.mcclatchydc.com/2012/11/27/175710/in-suicide-epidemic-military-wrestles.html ) that a friend of mine posted about how the military is now dealing with the problem. Court Martials and prosecution. Just what the mentally ill needs. I find it abhorrent as the suicide prevention has been set back by 150 years. Just when you think our military has been through enough, they can’t even try and take their own life without consequences. The message is, to me, do it right and die an honorable death. Fail and face prosecution. It is sickening. I don’t think it is going to help the rise of suicides post military service and I don’t think it is going to help those who work in suicide prevention and those that are trying to reach out for help.

South Station

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

This subway station always gives me a hard time. It is the Penn Station of Boston. I always take the wrong escalator to get to where I need to go. I rely on public transportation to get around as I don’t have a car. Today someone had their butt in my face as I was sitting on the train. Boston has the rudest people. I am, fortunately, not one of them. I tend to always give to the Spare Change people. They are legitimate homeless people who collect a buck or two for their newspaper. It is a legitimate way for the homeless to collect money without panhandling.
Tonight I am going to Stoughton (south of Boston) for dinner with some good friends. I really don’t feel like venturing out in this cold and rainy day but it is a chance to get out of the house so I can’t complain. I am feeling kind of weak for some reason but it is probably because I have not left the house since Saturday and the fact that my sleeping is still messed up.

I tried to get out of my therapy appt tomorrow but my therapist nixed it. I hate it when she does. I recently saw an episode of CSI NY that had a patient go after his therapists other patients so that he could prove his love for her and she could feel the pain that she caused him when she tried to transfer him to another male therapist. He had developed feelings of love for her and I figured that seemed like a good way to get out of my therapist relationship without having to deal with the countertransference/transference piece but it didn’t hold any water. My therapist knows the feelings I have for her and I know the feelings she has for me. I could say we are a match made in heaven but it is strictly on a professional level and nothing more. I am in love with her, though nothing on an intimate plane. It is a very curious relationship we have. We both have feelings for one another yet we know nothing can really become of it. It is a safe relationship.

It is supposed to snow this week in Boston. I hope that my pain levels don’t skyrocket. I never know how the cold is going to affect me. Sometimes it doesn’t and sometimes I am paralyzed by it. It really sucks when I am paralyzed by pain. I can’t do anything but stay in bed and relax.

My new glasses are still causing me problems but I think it is starting to be a medical thing as my vision has been blurry for no reason and will cut out more so without the glasses than with. I have not had any migraines so it not because of that. I will be contacting my PCP soon, probably tomorrow to try and make an appt to try and figure it out. I hate it when things like this happen to me.

Addmendum: on my way home I almost lost my wallet and had panic that I think caused a mini heart attack you get when all is lost. I had put the wallet in a pocket I never use, in this case my back pocket. I kept on checking my front pockets because why would I check the back? I can be an idiot sometimes…

a phone call

by Midnight Demon, posted in psychache, psychosis, suicide, suicide attempt

One crazy day at work I received a phone call from a number I didn’t recognize. I let it go to voicemail as I figured it was some bill collector. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Not only did this person leave me a message for me to call him back but he said that it was urgent to do so. This man was Dr. Edwin Shneidman, the father of suicidology. He was a man I deeply respected because of his work in trying to understand psychache and suicide. He was the first pioneer to create a suicide prevention center in the United States. He has spent his life trying to develop a scale for psychache and psychological pain assessment. Psychache is the unbearable psychological pain (despair, grief, guilt, hopelessness, frustration, perturbation, and pain all rolled into one). It is this pain that he and I believe causes people to think about taking their life. I sent him my paper “Is suicide caused by psychological pain?” and he wanted to talk to me about the pain scales I had mentioned. He was fascinated that there was a scale to measure physical pain but (as I argued) not for psychache. He was always thinking about how to have a psychometric assessment to gauge a person’s psychache.

Dr. Shneidman began his career by interpreting suicide notes. He began collecting them after he was sent to the morgue for confirmation of suicide autopsy. He and his colleague Farberow lead the early work of this important tool in forensic suicidology. In addition to this, he also co-founded the Los Angeles Suicide Prevention Center, the first in the United States to have one.

His message to me was for me to return his call and quickly (he wasn’t in the best of health). I didn’t know what to say to him or what he wanted of me. I was extremely nervous. Looking back I don’t remember too much of what we talked about. I know that we were on the phone what seemed like a half hour or so. I was too stunned to really remember anything but I know that he talked about his ill health and that he wanted to know what the physical pain scale was so I printed some off for him and sent them post haste to his house in LA. He died about a month afterwards.
After our conversation, my therapist was convinced I was going to be the next Shneidman. I would continue to follow in his work and in a way I have in my own way. I have book or downloaded/printed every article he ever wrote on the subject. I have scores of files on him. I also have the same on David Jobes but that is another matter.