Month: December 2017

New Year’s Eve

I woke up around 3 in pain and sweating. I was hot in my room again. It took me a while to settle down and when I went back to sleep, my med alarm went off. I sleepily took them and slept a little more. I woke up hungry and decided I was going to make pancakes. I made them huge like I usually do. I couldn’t finish them all. I had made coffee but used too much water. It tasted okay. I need to go to the store to get some more half and half.

I can’t believe another year has come and gone. I am not looking forward to the new year, though I should. But that is the expectation everyone has, right? I am too cynical for that shit. I just take the days as they come. If I put too much into doing things and they don’t get done, I just end up with disappointment and who wants that. I will be lucky to make it through the next few months as I try and get a pain doc that will prescribe pain meds. The thought of sticking with my current regimen is not sitting well with me but if I have to continue with it despite not finding a pain doc, then so be it.

In Feb, I see the LGBT doc to move forward with my transition. I am apprehensive about it. I know I have a lot of medical and psych issues. I just hope I don’t have continue to suffer in this fucking body like I have. I want to be a man and if that cannot happen, it is over. I won’t be able to continue living in the wrong body.

I went to my sister’s party and lasted about two hours. I had a lot of food. I talked with my neighbor and finally told her I was transgender and was going to transition. She wants me to come to her house more to talk. She is a nice lady but is a heavy drinker. I don’t know if she will remember what I told her.

I was sitting in my sister’s swivel chair and for some reason, my bad foot was a target tonight. People kept accidently kicking it. I had to use my foot to keep it from turning. It flared up on me and I had to leave. I hate being in this much pain again. Unfortunately, I had a beer so I can’t take any pain meds just yet. It feels better with it on the bed. I have someone’s cologne on. It smells nice. I text my other sister that I was upstairs if they needed me. I told my niece I was going up as we were celebrating her birthday.

I am feeling bad because the pain is getting to be too much. Even though I am not putting any pressure on it right now, the pain is soaring. I should have worn my boot. Oh well. I don’t have any where to go tomorrow except maybe to the store for some half and half. I am so tired. I don’t think I am going to make it to midnight. Happy New Year to all my readers. You mean a lot to me.

Last Saturday blog of 2017 (30 Dec)

I spent the day just lounging around. I had wanted to go to the store and mail a letter but it was too cold. My legs and ankle were hurting me from all the standing I did around yesterday. After I had breakfast, I went back to sleep and was having a weird dream about finding my work “box” full of tech stuff, like thumb drives and an old video game. I had opened the video game to see how many batteries it took and there were like a lot. I woke up sweating because my room got hot and I was under the blankets. I had shut off the ceiling fan because it got cool in my room. I really need to shower but my ankle won’t like it. I will tomorrow.

I had wanted to start reading another book but spent too much time on social media to start it. I made a cup of tea but didn’t finish it. I wanted coffee but my ankle wouldn’t like making it. Any standing and it has a fit.

My sister made rice balls and it came out really good. My mother made a kind of chop suey with the left over meat and peas. It was good. She will be making pizza and calzones for the party tomorrow. I hope my brother in law makes his chili. I love it. Last year I only had one bowl. It was gone, that is how good it was. He only makes it at New Years. My other sister make Baklava. I can’t wait to try it tomorrow.

Tuesday, I will have to go into the Square to deposit money in my checking account. I really fucked it up and am now overdrawn. I am such an idiot. I thought I could manage to get a haircut but I won’t be able to now. All because my memory sucks. If I had remembered that I had a bill pay for my therapist, I would have the money in my account and I wouldn’t have to worry so much about if I had enough to get my meds for the month. I know some of them will be affordable because they are generic, but the new one and Invega are the ones I am worrying about not being able to afford. I wish I could work so I can get a little extra pay during the month but I can barely keep my doctor’s appointments or physical therapy sessions as it is. Least I don’t have to pay my therapist until March! Longer if I skip appts. I think I am going to try every other week or so. There are Monday holidays coming up so it might work out that way.

I’ve been thinking about my former therapist. It still hurts that I am no longer seeing her. I can’t say that I have been better off as I have had more hospitalizations in a year than I have had in the 16 years I have seen her. I still get suicidal and may be more so if I don’t get my pain controlled pretty soon.

Man, I feel dizzy for some reason. Thought I was getting a migraine earlier so took some meds. The headache is gone but the world is spinning. Think I am going to lie down.

Frosty day

It was 1 degree when I woke up at 0500. It warmed up to about 4 around 1100 when I decided to go out and brave the cold. I didn’t want to but I had to pick up my scripts at my doctor’s office. I left the house too soon so I waited for almost 30 minutes for the bus. I was practically an ice cube. I got to Starbucks and ordered my drink wrong. I normally say 2 pumps of whatever syrup but I forgot to. I did remember to make a soy latte as the milk would have wrecked my bowels. I don’t know why their milk goes through me, but it does. Maybe because it is 2%, I don’t know. I had a turkey sandwich and then wrote in my journal. I left around 1400.

It didn’t take me long to get back to the Square after I left my doc’s office. I missed the bus by eight minutes, so I took another bus down the street and waited another 20 minutes for the bus home. The bench was cold as ice so sitting wasn’t an option. My ankle was not appreciative and for some reason my right calf was upset. It kept hurting like it was going to cramp or something. I tried stretching it but it didn’t work. I had to go to Walgreens to pick up my mood stabilizer and a couple of things for my mother. She had called me to grab one more thing but after waiting in line at the pharmacy, I forgot about it. I will try to remember when I go Tuesday.

I came out to thaw out. My thighs were frozen. It was mixed temps in my room. The window was blowing cold air and the radiator hot air so it took a while for me to warm up. I had no idea what I wanted for supper. My mother asked what I wanted and I told her I was going to make a cold cut sandwich. It didn’t appeal to her. I think she reheated some soup, which reminds me I can have clam chowder tomorrow. I forgot I have a can from when I shopped a couple of months ago.

I finished my friend’s book this morning. It was a good book. He was a very descriptive person. I liked the book. Now I think I will read Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman. I hope it is good. His books are a mix. You never know what you are going to get. I wish I had known one of his series of books were of the comic strip variety. I think they renamed them graphic novels. I don’t like them as I bought it on the Kindle and it is hard to read. I’ve never been into comic books. So I have a $20 set for nothing. Oh well. I really need to get my eyes examined. Even with my glasses I am having a hard time reading things. The print is too small or blurry. I’ve had to make some adjustments to my laptop as the print was microscopic. My right eye is bad as that is the one I am having trouble with, which tires out my left for compensating. I can’t remember when I last went to my eye doctor. They have some funny eye exam rules. One insurance says I can have an annual visit every 18 months and the other is every 2 years. I don’t know where I fall as I switched off. I guess I will call in the New year. I need to make sure my eye doc is still there. I had sent him a question via email and he said he was out of the country. I don’t know if that was a vacation trip or what. I really would hate to see someone else as I have been going to him since I was 19 or so. He is a very thorough doctor.

My ankle is really hurting. I hope I can sleep tonight. I know I had to walk around a lot today. I just hope it settles down some by the time I am ready for bed.