Month: February 2018

discouraged and fatigued

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain

I have serious mental illness that disrupts my thoughts and shifts my mood to hopelessness and suicidal in an instant. I lose motivation to do things. Just getting out of the house is hard. 2 this condition is flat out driving me insane.

I asked my physio what are the goals of therapy and she laid it out for me and stressed I need to be doing the home exercises to regain what I have lost. It is stressing me out that going to my appts and then having to rest the day after or two is not working. I’m still in pain. She wants me to go to some functional program. But it takes full commitment, 2 or 3 days of being there 8-2pm. I honestly don’t know if I can do that. Some days I can’t get out of bed because I’ve been up all night in pain. Monday’s are worse because I have to walk to my therapist’s office. I just don’t know what to do. I just want to lay around the house and go to Starbucks and write. But pain is limiting me to even do that. I’m not adequately controlled with my pain so how the hell can I do these exercises if I hurt. Just fed up and want to quit everything.

I don’t know what to do anymore. My PT emailed me with goals and wanting me to go to a functional program at a different SRH location. My depression makes doing anything hard. Pain compounds this. I haven’t been doing much with the home exercises because I am exhausted after going to an appt the day before or even going to PT appt. PT is saying I need to commit to the therapy to regain function (haven’t had function in my ankle for 17 yrs mind you) and decrease fatigue in my foot/ankle. I’m starting to feel like a failure but I am not getting adequate pain control and I don’t know if I ever will. Just making breakfast today and taking out the trash hurt me. Making the squash killed me. Going up and down stairs hurts every single day and I do that a lot. Add the PT and it will overflow me. I feel like I am drowning. I am out of the house at least 3 times a week. I just can’t keep up. I move I hurt. I don’t move I hurt. How can I win?

If I don’t get adequate pain control soon, I am just going to end it. Why bother?

Can anyone understand??

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Can anyone understand?

So flipping fed up. After I made my squash and was putting it away my whole ankle and foot seized up. Told my mother I wasn’t sure how I was going to go upstairs. She says I need to rest until the pain goes away. Frack!! Really? I could rest for days and it will still hurt. Then she says I go up and down the stairs sometimes like it is nothing. No. It still fracking hurts. I still have pain. Then she says not to yell at her, it’s not her fault. JFC. So fucking done. Taking an Ativan. Can’t deal anymore!! No one fricken understands. If resting worked, I should be cured by now.

I watched cat and dog videos after I sent this to my psychiatrist. I am just having a bad pain day. I am so stressed out. I am worried about tomorrow as I will be seeing a new doctor. I have no idea how it will go. I have been trying to stay together just for this appointment. If it goes poorly, I don’t think I can handle it. I feel like there is no understanding anymore. I am skeptical this doc will allow me to get hormones to be the man I know I am. It is just so difficult. I have chronic pain that is driving me insane and the walk I got to take tomorrow to get to the building is a ways from the station. I plan on making a detour so I can get my Starbucks before the appointment. I wish someone was going with me but at the same time I don’t think I could handle company. I have no idea when the bus will come as I usually don’t take it that early in the morning. My appt is at 0830 and I got to be there early as my name has changed since I was there. I have decided not to use Medicare as my insurance, just keep my BCBS. I think it will be easier that way. I am paranoid that if I use Medicare for my transition, I might be on a list of some kind and the government will get me as long as Cheeto is in “charge”.

I made the butternut squash, as I said before. I used too much brown sugar so it is really sweet. I used half a cup. I should have went with a quarter. Oh well. It was still good. My mother is making a stir fry tonight with rice so I will have it as well. I bought a Pyrex loaf pan with a lid so I can make the zucchini bread and have a place to store it. My mother is using both her cake storage containers so I don’t have a place to store the bread once I make it. I will see how I am Saturday, though I plan on changing my sheets then. All depends if this pain settles down some. I can function if it is below a 7. Right now it is close to a 13 and am just crying. I took my pain meds though I didn’t want to. I really don’t think they work for me anymore. I am just dependent on them. Either that or my pain has just been so bad there is nothing to take for it. It is a new pain, not my normal kind of pain, that I have been experiencing.

I emailed Dell to find out if I could get a memory upgrade or if I am stuck with what I have. I think I can upgrade my hard drive but I am not sure. If I can’t use the memory that I bought, I will sell it on Amazon or someplace. I doubt I can return it. Still mad at myself that I bought a cheap laptop to stay cheap. I only need more RAM so I can run Facebook without the memory flag going off. So stupid.

I think I am going to put on some lidocaine. It might not help 100% but it might just bring my pain down to bearable. Fucking 13 is not fun. I seriously am thinking of cutting it off, and probably would if I had the implements to do it.

I forgot to take my morning blood pressure pills when I woke up this morning. I will take the night dose. I have been checking my BP to make sure it doesn’t get high or low and to keep an eye on my pulse.