sad news from the home land and other things

Sad news from the home land and other things

I just got a text from my cousin who got a call from my cousin in Italy saying that my father’s surviving brother is not doing well. He just turned 94. I met him years ago when he came to America. A very gropy man with no shame. I hope he doesn’t die but his time might come. There will be no surviving family members when he goes. He is the last of the family to be living of 9 people. I am sad that he is not doing well. I hope he doesn’t go but I know that he is loved by all of us cousins.

I got a call from the pain clinic office. My appointment with the pain psychologist got moved to another psychologist at a later time the same day. I wanted to meet with the male psychologist because he wasn’t so true to CBT. This psychologist that I will be seeing is a CBT therapist. I already work with one so I don’t think it will work out. I am not liking CBT because it doesn’t allow for free association. I am having a hard time with therapy because not only is it virtual but I am attracted to my therapist a little bit. It is hard talking to her because I am afraid she will laugh at me and no matter how many times I try to overcome this fear, it never works out.

In my last session with my therapist, she said that I am not accepting my mental illness and it is harming me. She sees accepting it fully as wanting to change it. I don’t see it that way. I think I have accepted it and just think it is what it is. I honestly don’t see things changing but she has me do skills and meditation videos. I am supposed to do one meditation video per day until I see her next. I think I found one that I can do. I looked at YouTube for 5 minute ones. Yesterday I looked at this one when I was feeling down. It didn’t change anything but I felt calmer afterwards.

Today I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. It was a nice walk as it was gorgeous outside. I like this weather because it is easier to breath in. I am not so winded when I came home. I don’t know if it is because I was wearing a different mask or not. I had a Red Sox one that I washed and now it is missing. I am so mad about this. I had three masks and they are missing now. I don’t know what happened to them. I also had one that a friend made me and it is missing, too.

I need to take a shower one of these days. I have been so bad about taking them. Past few weeks I just been taking one per week. Most of the time I wait until I stink before I take one. Taking a shower is very exhausting for me and sometimes painful as my back can cramp up on me, forcing me to sit down a few times. I don’t like showering for this reason. I used to love taking a shower but now it is such a chore.