Category: Bipolar Disorder

Saturday blog 13 Jan 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder

Watching the Pats. No score yet.

Been having a rough game of pain. Foot bones have been awful. I messed up my med reminder alarm. Thought when I took my meds at 6 am when I woke up in pain I turned it on but I didn’t.  I was really hurting by 3 pm as I was 3 hours late.

I wanted to read three chapters in my baseball history book but was only able to read one. I hope I can read two tomorrow. The chapters are long, 20-30 pages. I am liking the book but it keeps going back and forth with the years and that is driving me crazy.

I think I might need a new French press as when I pour the coffee, it spills. I am not sure why. I’ve had it for more than 10 years. I have been looking to get a smaller one but been putting it off. Just not looking for another expense but I love my Starbucks coffee at home. 

chronic pain equals chronic exhaustion

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Chronic pain equals chronic exhaustion

I was up half the night in pain. When my med alarm went off at 0845, I shut it off and then went back to sleep, without taking my meds. Luckily I woke up an hour later and then took them. I was really tired but I wanted to get my hair cut before I saw my psychiatrist. I went downstairs to use the bathroom and check on my mother. I talked to her till it was time to get dressed and leave for the bus stop. I decided to wear the boot, which was not a wise choice as the snow was melting and there were puddles. By the time I got to the barbershop, I had stepped in a puddle and my foot got cold and wet. I had to buy socks to change.

After I got my haircut, I went to Starbucks. I took a selfie of my new haircut and I looked as tired as I felt. I looked awful. I had a new sandwich, chorizo with egg and cheese. It was spicy, much too hot for me so I won’t order it again. I got a soy latte with 5 shots espresso. It gave me the energy I needed to see my psychiatrist so I wasn’t lifeless. She was running late today so I just played on my phone until she came to get me. We talked about a few things. She wanted to know how I was doing on the Zoloft and I told her okay, so far. I didn’t tell her I gained weight, again. We talked about my uncle’s passing. I didn’t cry like I thought I would. She asked about therapy and I told her that I had a credit with him so will see him for a while. He isn’t a bad therapist, I just feel like I should be getting more from him or maybe I am expecting more and because I am not getting it, I get upset. I told her I will be seeing the LGBT doc next month and hope that my medical/psych issues don’t hinder my transition. She said there will be a center at the hospital opening up but she doesn’t know when that will be. I told her to keep me in the loop as I won’t know otherwise. She said she would. I see her again in three weeks.

I went back to the Square to get the bus home. I thought I missed it but I didn’t. I guess they were running late. Score either way. By this time, my ankle bone was starting to erupt in pain. I had wanted to take a pain pill while waiting for the bus but there was no time as the bus was there. My mother wanted Italian bread so I got off at a stop close to the bakery rather than my regular stop. As usual, there was a customer there and the lady and him were chatting up a storm. Annoys me because I had to wait until their conversation was over before she waited on me. I bought the bread and walked home, carefully to avoid puddles as a light rain had started. There was traffic on the street I had to cross to get to my street. I crossed when the light was red. I saw my cousin as I went up the street. He asked if we were still on for Tuesday night. I said yes, unless that changes with the wake and funeral arrangements for my uncle.

I was really hurting by the time I came home. My ankle was hurting me and my foot was cold from the wet sock. I changed and relaxed a little on my bed. I took some pain meds. I was so tired from all the activity, I wanted to pass out. My mother wasn’t home yet from her doctor’s appointment. I figured she wouldn’t be. My sister called me to tell me of the wake and funeral arrangements. I won’t be having dinner with my cousin. I will be going to the wake but not the funeral. I know I won’t be able to fit into my dress clothes for it. He will be cremated. My sisters are going to my aunt’s house tonight. I would have gone but my pain levels are too high. I also wanted to be home to cook for my mother as I know she would be tired from the appt.

Just making that one meal did me in. I am in so much pain right now, it’s not funny. I am also exhausted. I hate it when pain makes you so exhausted you can’t do anything. I know I did a lot today, between getting my haircut and going to my appt. I really can’t wait till my mother is feeling better so she can go back to her activities. It’s draining me to help her out. I don’t want to do anything tomorrow. I know I will probably be too tired anyways. I just hope I sleep tonight before midnight and pain doesn’t keep me up. I am just fed up with dealing with pain every fucking day. I am tired of the exhaustion and fatigue it gives you. I honestly don’t know how the hell I was able to work close to full time with this much pain. I know I have a high pain tolerance but still. Going from 2 jobs to none in four months still gets me.

ankle throbs yet the heart aches

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ankle throbs yet the heart aches

My ankle and foot are not happy at all tonight. I am still in a lot of pain and now the pain has turned to nerve pain, which means my foot is on fire. I should have taken the gabapentin earlier this evening but thought I would be okay. I should have listened to my gut.

I am feeling hurt by a family member. I have done something nice for this person and I found out tonight that person stabbed me in the back. I don’t know how to deal with it. I just hurt. I know eventually I will get over it but it is painful right now. Sometimes being nice to someone is just the wrong thing to do. I don’t regret doing it but having it thrown in my face, that is just wrong.

I talked with my annoying cousin tonight because I needed to talk to someone about this. He understood and let me vent. He wants me to come over for dinner next week. I hope he doesn’t bail like the last time we tried to have dinner. Only thing is, he lives on the third floor and I would have to climb a lot of stairs. I hope I am not in too much pain. I probably will be as I will be seeing my therapist the day before. I usually have Tuesdays as my rest day. It should be fun though. I don’t know when or where the wake and funeral will be. I don’t know if I will go to the funeral of my uncle. It takes a lot out of me to be sitting and standing. Hopefully it will be local and not too far from where I am. My uncle lived kind of north of Boston, close but hard to get to by public transportation. Actually, I never saw him unless my sister went to their house or I had a car.

I don’t know if pain is going to keep me up all night. I am feeling kind of wired because I am upset over this family member and my mind just keeps going to places. I am not that tired, but more in pain, emotionally and physically. I never thought this particular family member would hurt me so badly. It is a trust that has been broken and I am not sure it can be repaired. Lies are danger weapons. I hate liars with all of my being. My father was a pathological liar so I was hurt often. I always tell the truth no matter how painful it might be. It is just the way that I am. Unfortunately, not everyone is. Just sad when it is a family member you are close to.

I sometimes wish I could blow the fire out with my breath. Unfortunately, that is not how to deal with nerve pain. I had some fun today in my CRPS support group on Facebook. The wonderful leader/creator of the group asked if I would create a post of cuddling stuffed animals or pets after she took down the swear post. I did that this morning. It was awesome seeing everyone’s pets or cuddly stuffed animals. I showed Mary, my stuffed giraffe that I got at the dinner party at my friend’s house where I cooked for them. I then posted a pic of my therapy bears that were at my former therapist’s office. I have been thinking about her a lot as our anniversary of starting and ending was yesterday. It’s been a painful year without her. But I keep having to remind myself that it wasn’t my fault, it was hers and hers alone. She ended it not me. Here are the pics of the bears.

The big bear is Johnny, the little bear on the left is Bucky and the one on the right is Amelia. I love stuffed animals. My first stuffed teddy bear was when I was 12 or 13. His name is Sam and he was my crying bear. Whenever I cried, I held him. He is collecting dust right now by my bed. I remember I washed him and he was damaged from the washer. I was so upset and kept apologizing to him. My mother had to glue his mouth and eye back on him. He lost his stiffness and possibly some stuffing. Took me weeks to get over it. I think he became my crying bear then because I would just cry whenever I held him because I felt bad for hurting him.

I’m going to hold Mary to comfort me tonight. Today has just been a hell of a day.

sad and busy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sad day

My uncle passed away today. It was expected as he was slowly declining in health the past month or so. We thought there would be a chance he could breathe on his own after the machine was stopped but it was a very short time. I am glad he isn’t suffering anymore. I kind of feel like I did when my father passed away, nothing at all. I am sure next week will be tough, what ever the funeral arrangements will be.

I went grocery shopping for my mother and I, though it was more her stuff than I bought. After standing at the deli and getting what I needed, I just wanted to leave, except there was more stuff I had to get. I wasn’t familiar with the store so I kept having to walk around to find the aisle that I needed the stuff. Then I waited in line for like 20 minutes. A lady in front of me kept dividing her cart, some on the belt and then into another cart of things she didn’t want. I was so pissed. Then I found I couldn’t use my food stamps card because I didn’t know the pin number. I felt like a moron. I had three bags of stuff that I lugged up the stairs after my sister took me home. My back and ankle were killing me. I put the stuff away and then put dinner in the oven. I went upstairs to change to my PJs, carefully as anything rubbing against my foot hurt.

I sat on my bed and didn’t want to move anymore. But then my sister called for me and told me the news about my uncle. By that time, the pot pie in the oven was done so I fixed a plate for my mother and I. I told my mother there was no way I could do the dishes and that my sister would do them. She gave me a look and said there was only a few to do. I said I couldn’t stand anymore. So she did them.

My brother in law came up to fix the door for our washer/dryer area. I stood on my tippy toes to move a piece on the tracking mechanism and it fell behind the washer. I threw out my back. I am in so much pain. I wish I didn’t have to go out tomorrow but I need to see my psychiatrist as we got stuff to talk about.