Category: Bipolar Disorder

Snowy, Sleepy Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Snowy Sleepy Sunday

Well, we had snow, though it’s been coming in spurts rather than all at once. I don’t know if that is good or bad. I guess the heavy stuff is going to happen later tonight. I plan on packing my bag tonight just in case the weather isn’t bad tomorrow morning and I can go into the hospital. If not, the plan is still to go in on Tuesday, when most of the snow will be cleared. It’s still not clear to me whether snow is in the forecast for tomorrow. According to Weather bug app it is, but the weathermen haven’t said. So weird. Guess I will find out tomorrow.

I haven’t done anything today except sleep. My foot is still bothering me and I just don’t want to do anything. My mother made some kind of bean soup with chickpeas so I didn’t have dinner. I don’t like chickpeas. They make me sick. She never called me down for supper so I guess she decided to mix everything together. She had like four different pots on the stove. I guess I will make some eggs for supper. I am kind of hungry. All I had to eat was my cake.

My friend annoyed me on Facebook. She always wants to chat but she never responds after she sends me a message until later. It’s like what is the point if you aren’t going to chat right away. Just annoys me. Or she will start a conversation and then go to Walmart or CVS so I am left hanging for a half hour or more. Just talk to me when you have time or don’t bother. Or at least tell me you are going out and will be back soon so I am not left hanging.

I’ve been in a low mood for most of the day because of pain. I need to take my night meds soon but I can’t fill out my med box because I will be going to the hospital. Which reminds me, I got to fill out a sheet of how I take my meds. I am not looking forward to it but I think it will be easier and no mess ups if I write it out as clear as day. Least I am hoping that to be the case. We’ll see if it works out the way I want it to.

I think there has been thunder snow happening because there have been some loud booms. I can’t really tell if it’s that or if it’s just the snow crashing off the roof tops. It’s loud and scares me.

My brother in law just called saying he made some dinner. He made chicken thighs and potato salad. I really don’t like chicken thighs. I don’t feel like going downstairs so I am just going to text him thanks but no thanks. I’ll make scrambled eggs for supper. It’s my go to when I don’t know what else to eat.

Random 813

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I woke up from another nap, feeling wicked hot. I changed the settings on my fan to what they were before. I thought a lower setting would keep me cool but nope. It didn’t. I am back to a medium setting. My pain was acting up so I took some more pain meds. Then I “woke” up and can’t seem to settle down so I took a Benadryl. I have been using them more rather than taking Ativan because it works fast and knocks me out for at least 4-6 hours.

I started reading Twitter on my phone. It was making me laugh and be serious, because of the idiocy of Trump. People are really creative when it comes to memes and stuff. That is what makes me laugh. I do have a wicked bad feeling Trump is going to cause a war. It might not be soon, unless he gets impeached, but I have a feeling it will be while he is in office. He is just alienating a lot of countries. And they don’t like it. I just hope I figure out a way to die before the war starts.

I am really tired but I can’t seem to fall back to sleep. Pain isn’t helping. My damn toes are hurting me. There is nothing that I can really do except wait for the pain meds to kick in. I feel like having the last slice of cake but then I would have to clean the dish and I don’t want to. I’ll have my mother do it tomorrow, hahaha.

Starbucks has come out with a new coffee from Guatemala. It’s supposed to have cocoa notes and an aroma of orange. I think I will try it. I haven’t had a clover coffee in a while since my Brazil coffee went out of stock. I miss that coffee. It was so good. I will have the clover coffee and then my espresso over ice. I know it’s going to be a long day Tuesday because I will be in the ER most of the day.

I had to call Sprint yesterday because they still didn’t take off the charge of $200 on my account from when I lost my phone. The guy gave me a confirmation number saying that it should take about 7 days to clear out. Right now my bill is almost “delinquent” because I haven’t paid them this money. I am not going to because the money should have been taken off. Bums. I am not paying it.

The weather people are unsure how much snow we are going to get tomorrow so the basic idea it to make sure you have milk and bread. Why these items have become a staple during a snow storm, I have no idea.

Random 477

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I didn’t do anything today. I woke up late and ordered food. Pain was bad but not as bad as last night. I took my meds and waited for the food to get here. It was good and then I went back up to my room. I had started writing a blog but then I fell asleep. I just couldn’t keep my eyes open. I took a nap.

I am in a better mood than I was before the nap. Everything was annoying me. I am tired of being in pain. That is the bottom line. I am wiped out. I have no more energy to deal. I am completely depleted. I just want to die because I just can’t face another day of pain. Tomorrow there is going to be a blizzard. I am not looking forward to it.

I still need to pack for the hospital. I will do it tomorrow, if I feel like it. I took my meds when I woke up and then had a piece of pumpkin cake. I have two slices left. I love this cake. My psych hasn’t written to me about it so I am guessing she hasn’t retrieved it from her office. I hope it is still there come Monday.

It’s been hot and cold in my room all day. I shut the fan off and within a half hour, it’s hot again. I turn it back on and I get cold. UGH, I am so frustrated. I hope the hospital temperatures are at an even keel but you never know. The door has to be open so that sucks. I can’t really sleep unless it’s closed but they don’t allow that for checks. I’m not looking forward to going in. Maybe I just overreacted and don’t need to be in at all. But I think I will feel safer if I am in the hospital than not when another flare up occurs.

crying because of despair

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Crying because of despair

My ankle flared up earlier. Then my foot got cold. I was in a rotten mood because I couldn’t get food and because I am in pain. So I was sulking. But I had to take care of my frozen feet before they became more troublesome. I grabbed the thermal socks with grabber thingy and put my sock on my right foot first. Then I just casually hit my ankle with my knee to put the sock on the damaged fucking foot and holy fucking pain. I couldn’t believe I did something so damn stupid. I want to kill myself right then and there because there was no surviving this pain, not tonight, not any night. I just sat there stunned and it was the final blow to my moral.

I started crying. I just couldn’t help myself. I thought about calling my psychiatrist but I had already seen her and I didn’t want to bother her between sobs. I wasn’t in the mood for talking anyways. I was in the mood for death to strangle me and take me out of my damn misery. That didn’t happen. I am proof of this because I am writing this blog. I posted to Facebook I was crying and one of my friends was like so cry you’ll smile later. FUCK YOU. Smile? Really? That is a joke when you are suicidal right? Just snap out of it and you will. PLEASE. If it only worked that way, psychiatry would be out of business.

After a small while, my sister called me. She needed feminine products for her daughter. She didn’t catch the emotion in my voice and I was grateful for that. So I bundle wrapped a few and threw them down the stairs. My right ankle protested more than my left. WHAT THE FUCK. Now both ankles are hurting me. Score for me. Glad I told my psychiatrist I was safe to be home because oh yeah, I was going to kill myself today. Meanwhile I am thinking of ways of killing myself. I am overwhelmed with emotion, despair, fucking out of my mind. I take an Ativan because what else was I going to do. There isn’t a tree I can hang from. Besides, there would be a shit storm of snow to get by to reach the damn tree. And more snow is coming this weekend. Lovely.

I emailed my psychiatrist that I wasn’t going into the hospital Monday because it was going to snow Sunday and I wasn’t walking in the mess that I walked through today. It’s a miracle I didn’t twist an ankle. So Tuesday I will be admitted before my next meltdown really has me doing something I might regret. My only sadness is that I won’t have pain control like I have at home. I won’t have my strong pain pill to take while inpatient. I will have to make sure they give me my fucking regular pain pills on a schedule as a standing fucking dose because I will scream bloody murder if I miss a dose. And it better be two fucking pills, not one, two. Otherwise, I will fucking manage my way out of the hospital and kill myself by running in front of a bus or train or something. A semi might do too but they are infrequent around here.

My psych sent a response that it was okay with her for me to go in. She is also sorry she didn’t try my cake as she left it in the office. She said she will get it tomorrow so I hope to hear her review then. If my damn ankles weren’t hurting me, I would have a slice myself. It might help my mood. But unless my bladder is ready to explode or the house is on fire, I am not leaving my bed.