Category: Bipolar Disorder

cold and busy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Cold and busy day

I woke up early this morning. I had around six hours of sleep, which is good comparing to what it used to be like so I am not complaining, even though it was early in the morning. I made breakfast and a cup of tea because I would be going to Starbucks later and didn’t want to overload on caffeine.

I wasn’t in pain so didn’t take any pain meds. I tried to rest for 45 mins before I had to get ready. About 40 mins into my resting period, I hear something fall. I thought it was my mother so I raced downstairs to see if she was okay. She was fine. It must have been the snow falling off the roof that made the noise. It scared the crap out of me. Now I was up and got ready to leave.

It was really cold out, like 16 degrees. I forgot to wear a scarf but I had gloves and a heavy jacket so I was warm. I went to Starbucks and had a new latte, forgetting that it was made with milk. I wrote in my journal for about an hour or so and then realized I had to go to Harvard to get my Neil Gaiman book. I left for Harvard and got my book. Walking to the bookstore was not ideal as we had a big storm yesterday. I was careful though. I then made my way to my psych’s office. The trains were out of whack because of the weather so I made it with a half hour to spare. I should have went to my PCP’s office while waiting to get my script but I didn’t remember until it was time for my appointment. My doc was running late.

We had a good appointment. I made my pumpkin cake and brought her a piece. I asked her if I needed to be in the hospital and she said the decision was up to me. She didn’t feel I had to be in the hospital right away but she uses my judgement to gauge whether I need to or not. I told her I would think about it over the weekend and let her know Monday. There is supposed to be more snow on Monday so I need to act fast if I go in. I don’t know when it’s going to start so I need to leave early in the morning if I go in or I could be stuck and have to wait till Tuesday. She asked about my therapy plans and I told her after my hospitalization, I would make calls. I told her I already emailed the therapist that my friend gave me, but haven’t heard back from her yet. She might not be in the office till Monday so I will give her until then before I call.

I went to my PCP’s office to pick up my script and went home. About the end of the block, my ankle explodes. Then I reach my house and start feeling dizzy. I’m going through withdrawal from my pain meds because it’s been more than 12 hours since I last took them. I am also hungry because the last thing I ate was the pumpkin cake around 9 am. It was now around 3 pm. I went up to my room and almost fell while undressing to my PJs. I immediately took my pain meds while I was holding on for dear life in pieces. It was tricky but I was able to take the meds. Not even a half hour, I start to feel a little better but I am still fearful of the stairs so of course my bladder says it has to go. You can wait bladder. I wait a few more minutes then my bowels join in. WTF, seriously? The latte is hitting me and I know I have to go. So I carefully go down the stairs and make it without falling. I do my business and go back up to my room. You would have thought I walked the world, my ankle goes berserk on me. I am really hungry now but I don’t see myself going up and down stairs for the delivery guy. So I just eat a protein bar. I will order food if my ankle calms down. Or maybe just eat some more cake. I haven’t decided yet…

freezing out but my room is a sauna

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Freezing out but my room is a sauna

It’s 10 degrees out or there abouts. I had to turn down the heat because my room is so damn hot. I can’t stand the heat. I am grateful for it but I rather be cold. It is what I grew up with as my room didn’t have a radiator. I had to have multiple blankets on me to keep warm during the winter. I didn’t mind. I liked it.

I can’t sleep mostly because of pain. I had a study interview today about chronic pain. It went well, though we went over the time by a half hour. I didn’t mind. It was good talking to someone about my pain. They wanted to know more about my use of social media and how I talk about my pain and so I told her. It was a good interview. I hope they learn what ever it is they are trying to learn.

I am really tired but I just can’t sleep because of the heat and pain. My foot is killing me. I had to have something to eat so I went downstairs. That aggravated my foot. Then I went back up the stairs which didn’t help matters. I took another pain pill hoping to speed up the other two that I took. Lately, the regular pain meds are having no effect on me as they don’t make me sleepy anymore. It still works for my pain but it seems that it takes longer to do so. I am worried now that I am tolerant to the meds and need to find something else.

I went to bed around midnight and it’s still hot in my room, despite lowering the heat. I didn’t lower it too much, just one degree. I fell asleep and just woke up now, 6 hours later. That must be the latest I have slept in a while. I am not going to go back to sleep because I need to leave the house around 0850. I might take a shower, though I am really not wanting to. It’s going to be freezing in the bathroom as there is no heat so I will take it tomorrow when the temps are below 20 degrees. It’s 12 degrees right now. I still haven’t decided if I am going to wear my long johns or not with my jeans or sweat pants. I haven’t decided what I am going to wear. These decisions are always hard for me.

I might make a cup of tea just so that I have a little caffeine on board. Think Earl Grey would be nice. I haven’t had that in a while. I still have to pack my bag for the hospital. I have decided to use my suitcase so I need to transfer every thing from my backpack to it. Then I need to stuff my blanket in. I think I will put the blanket in first and then put the clothes on top of that. I might be snowing on Monday so I think a suitcase would be better for my travels than my backpack and bag. I still will take a backpack for my journal and coloring books. That might kill some time while I am there and don’t want to go to group or something.

Today would have been the day I would try to kill myself. I feel defeated that my plan didn’t work out and that it would just make me sick rather than kill me. I hated when I have botched plans. It really sucks. I just feel like a loser. Now I got to figure out another way to die and hope I succeed.

I have thought about getting a haircut but I am getting low on funds and it’s going to be two weeks before I get paid again. I still need to pay for my prescription that I will be picking up today. And I need a refill on my Neurontin as I am running low. I need to email my neurologist to get that script because my PCP’s office won’t prescribe it to me. Ridiculous. I hope she will allow me to take 1200 mg at night as I have been taking that to help with the burning pain. It seems to work at least 24 hours so I have good coverage. Some nights I don’t need to take it because it’s not every night that I have the pain.

As I prepare for my hospital admission, I got to take my meds with me because I don’t want to take a million pills. I also need to fill out my medication list and how I take my meds because I don’t want there to be a hassle with my pain meds. I really wish the doc wrote that I take 2 tabs every 6 hours rather than 1 tab every 4. 1 tab doesn’t do shit for me. We’ll see how the docs at the hospital decide to write the order. They all have the same computer system now so it’s going to be difficult to get my meds the way I take them. It’s so frustrating. I’ll also have to prepare for taking my psych meds differently than what I take them at home. Man this is going to be so annoying. I am going to be a zombie in the morning and a night owl at night. Not looking forward to this at all. I am going to ask my psych today when I see her if I really need to go in or not. I know I am still feeling suicidal and the hospital will be a respite from my urges, but I just hate the medication piece of the puzzle. It always gets fucked up. And it’s frustrating to fix because I usually have to wait 24 hours for the changes to occur. Annoying!!

Early rising and then crashing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Early rising and then crashing

I woke up around 6 and was really hungry. I had taken some more Neurontin around 0200 and was still feeling the effects of it. I was kind of woozy but still okay to get up and make breakfast. I made oatmeal pancakes and coffee. I was hoping the coffee would keep me awake but no chance. I finished my coffee and then fell back to sleep. I didn’t wake up until my mother called me around 1245. I was kind of grumpy but I had to go to the bathroom really bad so it kind of worked out.

She called because she needed me to go to the website to check for a recall on a dehumidifier unit that we have. It turns out that it is being recalled. To prove it, I got to take some pictures and then upload it to the website. Pain in the ass. It’s snowing pretty good and the wind is horrible so I will do it tomorrow.

I plan on making my pumpkin cake today. I have been dying to make it but pain has been the chief determent. I feel pretty good right now, despite going up and down the stairs a few times for the stupid dehumidifier unit bullshit. My ankle isn’t angry with me but my back is sore. It was sore while I was making pancakes so I had to sit a few times to mix the batter and then while they cooked. Damn weather is causing me a lot of pain. I don’t know when the snow is going to stop as I haven’t seen the weather report or paid much attention to it.

I emailed my psychiatrist that I would be bringing her a treat tomorrow so that is kind of an incentive for me to make the cake. I am waiting for the cool whip to thaw a bit before I make it. I should have taken it out last night but I wasn’t thinking. It’s kind of warm in the kitchen so I hope it thaws in the next couple of hours. I don’t think it will take that long but you never know.

Someone from Cornell University got in touch with me via Twitter about doing a pain study. They will be calling me via Skype in a half hour or so. I am kind of nervous about it. It’s supposed to be between a half hour and an hour long. I guess it depends on how fast the questions go. They want to know how chronic pain and social media helps you or something like that. They will give you a $10 Amazon gift card after participating. Not much but at least it’s something. I wasn’t going to do it because they were going to audio record the session. I don’t like recordings so I told them that and they said I don’t have to have the recording. So that is cool. I wish I could use my laptop for the session but there is something wrong with my microphone so I need to use my phone. I hope no one calls me. Whenever I need to use my phone for something, someone always calls me. I hate that.

going insane with pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Going insane with pain

I have been trying to sleep for the last couple of hours. Every time I move my damn foot, it counters with pain. I tried without the covers, with the covers, hanging my foot off the bed. Nothing is working. Meds aren’t touching the pain because it’s nerve pain so I got to wait for the Neurontin to kick in, which is whenever it feels like it. I haven’t quite timed it right so I never know when it is going to work. I do feel sleepy from it and groggy but it’s not enough to knock me out entirely. I just took an Ativan so I hope that will help me sleep.

I sent my therapist the blog I wrote. I thought she should have the last blog I wrote about her. I am really going to miss her a lot. On a whim, I emailed the new therapist that my Twitter friend sent me. I hope she is taking new clients. It will really suck if she isn’t. I will feel really bummed out. I hate having another female therapist but I think there are more female ones in the area than males. In the 26 yrs that I have been in therapy, only 3 have been males. I have had 13 therapists.

I am in so much pain that I am thinking of ways to cut off my damn ankle. Fortunately, I don’t have the equipment handy to do the deed. I did have an idiot friend of mine willing to lend me her chainsaw. She catches one or two of my posts and doesn’t realize what I need it for. Drives me crazy. I don’t know if I would ever be able to really cut off my ankle but I do fantasize about it a lot. Then at least the pain that I felt would be justified. The pain that I feel right now isn’t because of some injury or anything. It just fucking hurts. There is swelling but that is it’s only symptom besides pain. I fucking hate this pain syndrome because there is different types of pain every single night. Sometimes it’s my ankle, or my toes, or my foot, or another part of my ankle. I can’t keep up with the changes and the different kind of pain that I feel. It is frustrating and then when you see the doc, they think you are just making it up. Least it feels that way to me.

I am really sad that I don’t have a therapist anymore. I miss having someone to talk to every week. It really kept me sane even if we talked about the same thing every week. But it was getting frustrating with my therapist because her anxiety just kept getting in the way of me talking about things. Then she would go on a talking binge and I couldn’t get a word in edge wise. It was really bumming me out because I felt like it was MY time and it turned into HER time most of the session. I hope my next therapist isn’t like that. I hope the new therapist responds to the email I sent her. I really hope so. If she isn’t taking new clients then I will really be bummed. I also hope she can help me cope better with my chronic pain. That would be so neat. But we’ll see. I am really nervous about her response. She might want me to just call her office number, which I have but if she isn’t taking anyone, why would she do that? I am just nervous about it. It’s hard seeing someone new.