Category: Bipolar Disorder

So it ends…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

So it ends…

I had my final session with my Bozo today. It was emotional for both of us. I didn’t think she was going to let it happen but she did and so we are done. After sixteen years and countless sessions. She said I have three file cabinet drawers. Makes sense. I wrote a lot over the years. I wrote her endless letters. Given her journals to hold. Books to read.

We talked a lot about the past and how we went through her different offices over the years. The good times and the shitty ones. I honestly don’t know who was more choked up her or me. I tried to hold it together. I still am trying to. It’s really hard to keep it together but I know if I fall apart, I probably won’t be able to pull myself together.

I meant to do some errands before my appointment but my ankle was bothering me. I woke up late and my sister said it was icy out so I stayed in. Then it warmed up to like 50 degrees so after therapy, I went to the post office and then to the store to get my half and half. Tomorrow is going to be a snow storm so I wanted to have it so I can make coffee. I then called my psychiatrist to check in with her. I told her what I pretty much just wrote about the session. I was sobbing by then and having a hard time controlling myself. She asked of I would be going to the hospital tomorrow and I said no. It will be a blizzard and I am not going out. Then she asked if I would come in tonight and I said no cause I haven’t packed a bag. I would be there all night and that would suck. Plus walking to the store did my ankle no favors. I see her Friday.

I’ll be getting my bears back. I am so sad at this. They have been a part of my therapist’s office for so long. My therapist took good care of them, like she did of me for so long. Until, well, I don’t know what happened. I still am trying to figure it out but I don’t think I ever will. I brought it up today and she gave me the song and dance about how I pointed things out to her in the blog that opened her eyes. Things that she couldn’t ignore. I keep replaying the last few months. We really didn’t have a therapeutic relationship as we just fought. Finally I said, let’s just end this and she was like okay. And today was the day we finally said goodbye.

PTSD anxiety is so much fun, NOT

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

PTSD anxiety is so much fun, NOT

I had a PTSD flare because of pain. It brought out anxiety. I tried to get a hold of a friend to talk to but she was not available. I paged my psychiatrist and we chatted for a bit. She said I am going through a lot and I am managing but she thinks the hospital would be better for me. Why, I don’t know. I really don’t want to go back to the hospital. It’s nothing more than a babysitting service.

I cried while I was on the phone with my psych. I couldn’t help it. I was so revved up with anxiety and I am not an anxious person. The pain was driving me mad and today being an anniversary day was just too much. I kept going through the red flags of CES, telling myself I didn’t have it but my brain just wouldn’t get it off it’s mind. No matter that I could walk, wiggle my toes, have control of my bowels and bladder, etc. it just wouldn’t calm the fuck down. The pain was really the trigger and I couldn’t go anything to bring the pain levels down. I had taken my meds but it would be a while for it to kick in. I told my psych this and she tried waiting with me about what to do to calm me down. She said to watch TV but I don’t watch TV. I read. So I read Huck Finn for a bit. I told her I was going to read 1984 but she said that might be too much. So Huck Finn it was.

I read four chapters of Huck Finn and then the anxiety went down a notch or three. I am feeling tired now. I have to call my psychiatrist tomorrow after my therapist appointment to let her know how it goes. I was going to email her but I think I will page her. Then we can talk about if I need to go to the hospital or not. I really want to see my psychiatrist on Friday so I really don’t want to go into the hospital on Thursday.

I have my bag packed but I think I might bring my suitcase with me instead of my backpack. It might be easier and then I will bring my backpack with me so I can bring my books and journal. It will also be less stress on my back. I will bring my Sox blanket with me. It comforts me when I am in the hospital.

I didn’t tell my psych that I had suicidal urges earlier this afternoon. She knows I don’t page her unless I am really in need to talk to someone and not having a therapist the last few months has really been a struggle. She says that I am managing well as I can be. It felt good to hear her say that. I know I should probably be in the hospital for supportive care but I really don’t want to go. I hate being in the hospital. I don’t sleep well. And I always have to ask for my meds when I am in pain. I have to be on their schedule, not mine. It sucks. And I won’t be able to get my strong pain pill should I need it. I am really sad about this. But this is a psych unit not a medical one.

My psych wants me at the hospital that I usually go to. I hope they have a bed. I am going to try and talk her into going in on Monday. That is when they have discharges and beds are more available. We’ll see. I hope it’s Monday but if she wants me in on Thursday, that will be okay too. I just need to pack a little faster than I need to.

post 2185

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Post 2185

I slept okay. I still woke up in pain so took some meds. It was snowing out so that meant I was staying in. I made some pizza on my new pizza stone. It was okay. The edges were more crisp than the middle part. But it was good. I burned my finger and thumb on the metal handle forgetting that it was hot. I got a good burn. Probably will have to get those burn band-aids for it. I got to get half and half at the store anyway so I will pick some up tomorrow.

I have my final session with my therapist tomorrow. I texted her not to be cute and try for more sessions. It’s not going to happen. She wanted the monthly decision without my input. She will get a termination session from me without her input. That simple. Least on paper. Going to be harder on the phone while talking to her. I just hope I don’t cave in. Or I am screwed.

I’m still having suicidal urges. I really just want to die. I just got to find a way to do it.

too much pain and no sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Too much pain and no sleep

After the game last night, I couldn’t settle down right away. I was excited and kept reliving the touchdown over and over in my mind. Then my pain flared up. I took some meds and thought I would be asleep soon. Sleep never came. I was up most of the fucking night. Soon as I got my ankle pain under control, my toes started so I had to take more meds. It was a vicious cycle. It didn’t help that my PTSD anxiety got activated. That just made everything worse.

Before I knew it, 0200 hit. That was it. I was up for the night. And I was. I didn’t go to sleep until I took a Benadryl. This was at 0600 or so. Then I wake up 3.5 hours later. Great. I stayed up till 1330 and then fell back to sleep again. I still don’t feel rested and I just took my night time meds to try and get ahead of the game. I am really tired.

Because I was catching up on sleep, I didn’t do any errands today. I had to go to the bank and the store to buy more half and half. I also want cocoa puffs. I guess I will try tomorrow if the weather isn’t too bad. We are supposed to get snow with freezing rain. It might just be rain, who knows.

I’ve been feeling really depressed most of the day because I had such a horrible night. Being up all night really sucks, especially when you can’t calm down because your anxiety is getting the best of you. Or the slightest move you make hurts you like a SOB. Last night I couldn’t win for trying and it really got to me. I really was thinking of a way out. I started writing in my journal. I just wrote until I fell asleep, basically. It was all I could do to get the anxiety out and the thoughts under control again. Tomorrow is my 16th anniversary of my nerve condition, Cauda Equina Syndrome. That is when all this hell began. No matter how many time I tell myself that I am NOT getting CES again, my body goes into panic mode and I can’t calm the fuck down. It really sucks when you can’t move because that doesn’t help the case.

There really isn’t anyone to talk to when it’s 0300. Not too many night owls to distract you. So you are stuck in your own world until the meds finally exhaust you or you are just plain exhausted and collapse. I really wish I slept longer this morning. I could have done at least one thing like go to the store for the half and half. I could have had my coffee and maybe the day wouldn’t have been a sleep day.