Category: Bipolar Disorder

Pre Superbowl Blog 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pre Superbowl Blog

I just did my meds for the week so I wouldn’t have to do them when the game was over. While I was doing them, one of my hormone pills made a jump for it and I can’t locate it. So I am going to be off a this week, which means I might get my menses next week. Lovely.

My brother in law made his chili. I had a bowl and it’s just the right spicy for me. I think he put pork in it, which I hate when he deviates from the normal chili. It just drives me nuts. I ordered buffalo wings because I was craving them. They were good. I am glad I ordered 15 and not 8. I shared them with my niece and bro in law. I didn’t like the blue cheese though. It had a funny taste to it.

I took a shower and now I am exhausted. I just finished taking out my recycles. I really haven’t done much today and I am wiped out and ready for a nap. I am not in that much pain, though my toes like to flare up and then flare down so I haven’t taken anything for it. I had to take some meds around 0730 when I woke up because I was in pain. I hope it stays like this. I could use a day off from pain.

My sister is having a party for the football game. I will last until the game starts and then I will go to my kitchen and watch it. I like to watch it in a quiet space and tweet. I did that two weeks ago. It was fun. I just wish I had some chips and salsa with me but today I will have it if I am not too full off what my sisters and brother in law made.

And remember GO PATS!!!

Saturday Blog 74

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 74

I didn’t have a good night. I woke up in pain every single time I tried moving my ankle. It was terrible because it was just normal movements, not even a stretch or anything. I saw stars every time I moved it. It was awful. I kept taking my regular pain meds because I am running low on my strong pain pills. I meant to put in a refill request on Thursday but I forgot and Friday was too late by the time I remembered.

I am feeling really sad. I woke up late and could barely make it down the stairs to go to the bathroom and make some coffee. I had some left over Chinese food that I ordered last night. It was good. Sometimes I think leftover food tastes better than when it is delivered. I am in pain from moving around to fix myself something to eat and use the bathroom. That is nothing new. It just depresses me because it happens every single day. It just lowers your self-esteem. You feel defeated.

A friend of mine sent me a poem about trees by Hesse. I don’t remember his first name but the poem was truly powerful with the language. I really liked it. My friend is off hiking with his son right now so I will text him later to say that I liked it. He also sent me a movie but it’s too long to keep my attention. I haven’t told him this but he hasn’t asked about it so I won’t say anything.

Other than just waking up and fixing myself something to eat, I haven’t done anything worthwhile. I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter because one of her songs was going through my head. She calms me down when I am having a rough time. Her voice is really soothing to me. I have most of her albums since the 90s. She isn’t on country radio anymore as her genre has changed so I just get to listen to her music through my MP3 player.

I think I am going to try and read some Dostoevsky. I want to try and get through his book this month. I don’t know if I will be able to because I am planning on going into the hospital the following week. I don’t know if they allow Kindles so I won’t be bringing it. I am also not going to be wearing my sneakers for fear of them taking my shoelaces. My psychiatrist is going to try and get me on the unit at the hospital she works at. If not I will have to go to the other hospital that I go to. I really don’t want to go there because they don’t help me. I feel like it’s more of an expensive babysitting service than treatment.

I feel like making my pumpkin cake. I might make it on Monday. My foot is too sore to make today. Tomorrow is Superbowl stuff so maybe I might make it then for the party. We’ll see. My brother in law is making ribs and chili. He makes a very good chili. I will be watching the game in my kitchen because I know my mother will be taking over the living room TV. That is ok. I don’t mind being in the kitchen because I can eat and not worry about making a mess so much. It should be a good game. I am not expecting it to be a high scoring game but you never know.

Last night as I was in horrible pain, I emailed my psychiatrist because I was feeling so hopeless. I asked her if I was a hopeless case. I said it was important for her to respond. She said “absolutely not”! That made me feel better. I feel like my psychiatrist is the only one supporting me right now in the real world. Everyone else is online.

I was hoping to take a shower today but I don’t think I will. I will try tomorrow. I hope the pain is less so I can stand for a few minutes. I don’t like sitting while showering.

What if

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

What if

What if I were to say that I was suicidal? Would you be aghast, fearful, judgmental, concerned? Would you try and help me sort through what ever was going through my mind? Or would you tell me things like snap out of it, keep your chin up, things get better, least you don’t have cancer, or the many rhetorics that are said to keep mental illness at bay because it’s too shameful to see in another person. Would you think that I have lost my nut, that I am crazy for thinking such a thing?

These are the things I ponder as I go through my daily chronic pain ritual. It’s not fun and suicidal thinking is a part of my thinking process because I don’t want to live in agony every day. I think those that have suffered from chronic pain every day knows what I am talking about but they may think of suicide in passing because they have loved ones they think about and how the deed will affect them. Or they may have an animal that they don’t want to suffer because of their loss.

Suicide is not something to be ashamed of or to be scared of. Everyone has at one time thought of ending their life for one reason or another. Some may have even gone ahead and planned or attempted it.

I bring this up not to bring worry to my friends and family, but for you to think about it the next time you post the “someone is always listening” post with the suicide hotline number. These post mean an awful lot to me because they would not be posted even five years ago. For those thinking about suicide, you are not crazy and you are not alone. There is help out there. All you need to do is reach out to find that sympathetic ear. If you to get the stupid rhetoric, seek someone else’s ear. Keep reaching out until you find someone who cares.

grumpy mood and irritable

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Grumpy mood and irritable

I woke up late and barely had time to catch the bus for my psych appointment. I was not happy that I slept so late. That started my day off to a bad start. Then after I finished putting my brace on, I realized I forgot my jacket in my office. I had to go up the stairs to get it. While going down the stairs to leave the house, my ankle freaks out. That put me in a better mood. NOT. I took a pain pill before leaving my room so I couldn’t take another pill until later.

I was hoping to get coffee before my appointment. Everything annoyed me today. There were four fucking strollers on the bus. Two Arabic women speaking their language, one at one end of the bus, the other at the other end. I just wanted them to shut the fuck up. There was no reason for them to be shouting. Whatever it is, it could wait till they were off the damn bus. Then one of the kids started crying. I just wanted off the damned bus. I got my coffee and my favorite person at Starbucks didn’t charge me for my espresso. I was happy. It was the only good thing that happened today.

I met with my psych. She was concerned about me, not like I haven’t given her reason to be. I told her my plan was off the table unless I found another lethal method. She wanted to discuss things if I did find one. I said ok. We talked about the new therapist that I could be seeing. I will call her on Monday to see how it goes. I hope she is taking new clients. I will be really sad if she isn’t taking them. Then we talked about my therapist that I will be ending soon. I told her I was putting an end to it as my therapist won’t. And I won’t have the stupid termination sessions that she wants. That just makes it harder. Fuck her anyways for not setting up a therapist for me before she decided to make things monthly. I am still pissed off at her for doing this so now Wednesday will be our final session, I don’t fucking care. She is not talking me into another one no matter how much she begs.

My psychiatrist wants to see me next week. I told her I would probably go into the hospital the following Monday. I just feel so defeated that I can’t kill myself. I am such an idiot. We talked about books that I have been reading. I might take a Neil Gaiman book in the hospital with me. I still have a bag that is packed. Now I just have to have some excuse for my family when I go in.

My ankle is really sore and I don’t think my regular pain meds are going to work. I might have to take the strong pain pill. I wanted to shower today but it’s not in the cards. I also wanted to take my nieces out for dinner Sunday. Those plans are tentative right now. Course, the way I feel right now, I just want to nix the whole idea and make it some other time. I really don’t want to be away from my bed with my ankle hurting me the way it is right now. I am in a terrible mood and really just want to fucking die. Sometimes I wish just by wishing it, it could come true. Takes the whole suicide thing to a new level.

I really am tired of being in pain all the fucking time. Being in this much pain this early in the day is not a good thing. I am basically stuck on my bed. I hope I don’t have to use the bathroom because that will just increase my pain as I need to go up and down stairs. I really hate what my life has become. Maybe if I save enough money I can hire someone to kill me.