Category: Bipolar Disorder

fucking pissed off with good reason

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Fucking pissed off with good reason

So I planned my death, went through the motions, prepared my will (still not finalized), bought my meds that I need, and then today I double checked the research. The med I thought would kill me even at the dose on some end of life website, was wrong. I would get very sick but not die. Fucking great. I am glad I am find this out now and now on my date that I planned on taking my life because waking up in the ICU or the next morning would anger me more. So the plans are off. Unless I can get a sharp fucking knife to stab myself to sever arteries, which I don’t think I have the guts to do.

I am beyond bullshit. But I know some of you are thankful for not going ahead with my stupid plan. But let me have my pity party because I wanted to end my life. I thought about this for over a month and now it’s crushed out like the butt end of a cigarette. I might still OD on something on my date, not enough to kill me but enough to knock me out for a few hours.

I get to return the pills I bought because I didn’t think I had enough. Least I will get some money back. I can’t get the other box refunded because I already disposed of evidence. So now I don’t know what to do with myself. I hate myself for being a fool. I have no therapist I can vent to about this, just my stinking blog. I don’t know who reads this pile of dung anymore. I am kind of tripping on pain meds right now so please forgive the idiocy of my comments. They are more directed towards me and my shitty writing than you, the readers who I know are good people.

Now I get to live my life in pain, isn’t that just wonderful? It’s a gas. I had to take the strong pain pill early tonight because the pain was so bad and I couldn’t take my regular pain meds yet because it was too early. There has to be a better way to manage. I am seriously contemplating asking my doc for the $60/month pain pill that might help me. It might cause other problems like the strong pain pill does but at least I will get longer pain relief than a few hours here and there. This expensive pain pill is supposed to last 12 hours. It would be perfect for the night time hours because then I wouldn’t have to wake up at 3 in the morning to take another dose of meds because they wore off. Or wake up in severe pain at god knows what hour because my meds have wore off. It would certainly help my PTSD anxiety if I wasn’t in agony all the time. And most of the time it’s the anxiety keeping me up more than the pain.

So, readers, you get more blogs until I figure out a better way to end my life or I decide to actually live life, which I doubt. Thank you for reading.

got out of the house

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Got out of the house

I woke up earlier than I thought as the house was quiet so I thought my mother had left the house. Then I started hearing the god forsaken sound of dice hitting the glass table top and I was wrong. It was 0815. I thought about hurrying to catch the 0822 bus but I just woke up and didn’t feel like rushing. I ended up taking the 0950 bus so I could wake up properly and use the bathroom.

I made it to Starbucks, even though the bus hit nearly every single stop getting there. I guess I was in an annoyed mood today because I was hungry. My appetite hasn’t been great the past few days. I have literally just been having one meal and coffee to decrease my appetite. Anyways, my favorite cashier was at the register and didn’t charge me for my espresso. Score. I got my sandwich free because I had a reward. I had my sandwich and played with my phone. I can’t stand being on Twitter anymore because it just talks about the Orange Blunder and his antics, which so annoys me. If they aren’t talking about him, they are talking about his cabinet or SCOTUS pick. I fear this country is doomed for the next four years. Least I won’t know about it as my time here is limited. Pretty soon, if all goes well, all that will remain are these blogs.

After eating my sandwich, I started writing in my journal. I updated it and wrote of my fears of my plan. I seriously have to make preparations that go beyond just writing my will. My friend would like some clothing of mine so I will be sending it to her next week. She had a breakdown the last time we video chatted. It was difficult to see her cry. But since I have become a robot, I didn’t share the feelings she was feeling. I guess that is good that my emotions have been cut off due to medication because otherwise, I think I would be a lunatic.

I need to take a shower but my foot and ankle flared up soon as I took off my sock as I was changing into my PJs. I might take it tomorrow morning if I wake up early enough before heading to my psych appointment. I am nervous about this appointment because it could be the last time I see my psych, if she allows my shenanigans, which she usually doesn’t. She has always been straight and to the point kind of doctor. One of the many reasons why we get along so well.

My therapist friend got back to me this morning and gave me a name for therapy. I Googled her and found that she actually specializes in suicidality. I was shocked to read that on her profile. Maybe if I survive my attempt, we might work out if she is accepting new clients. I kind of sort of want to get in contact with her now to see how she is so that I won’t be disappointed if she isn’t accepting new clients. She is in Harvard Sq. so she is accessible to me, though the walk can be a challenge. We’ll see how it goes. If she isn’t accepting clients maybe she knows someone else that does.

I was listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter as I left the house. Then while I was at Starbucks, an Adele song came on so I switched to her album as I really haven’t listened to her music since I bought her latest album. I really love Adele, though I think her album 21 is better than her current one. There are some songs on 25 that I like and others that are okay.

just a blog about nothing important

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Just a blog about nothing important

I’ve been sleeping for most of the day. Only time I have left my room was to use the bathroom. I haven’t eaten anything but a protein bar and I think that is all I am going to eat today. I just got no appetite. I am in pain so I took some pain meds. I ended up taking my trilafon late because I didn’t wake up till after 1500. I don’t care, as long as I take it, that is all that matters.

I keep having heavy thoughts. I see my psychiatrist in two days. I haven’t emailed or spoken to her since last weekend. I wanted to share my blog with her that I wrote last night but it was password protected and I didn’t want to bother her with that. I could have just pasted the blog in an email but I didn’t feel like doing that either. I just feel like I am in a rut that is going downhill and I can’t seem to stop it.

My mother is playing her idiotic dice game that is aggravating the shit out of me right now. Nothing like hard dice hitting a glass table top. The sound is annoying. Wish she would just go to the living room and watch her TV shows. She had called me asking what I wanted for dinner and I told her I would make the hot dogs that I didn’t make last night. I might make them later if I feel like it. I really don’t want to leave my bed right now.

I keep thinking about what I plan on doing next week. A lot needs to be done. I just hope I don’t chicken out. That will really suck. I guess a lot depends on how my appointment goes with my psychiatrist this week. I talk with my therapist next week but it will be our last session. I have decided to end things with her because she is in no position to do so. She wants to have at least three sessions to terminate and I don’t see the point of that. I miss seeing someone weekly but I don’t want to be in therapy. It sucks not talking to someone every week, other than my psychiatrist. I wish my psych could be my therapist. Then I will have it made. But she doesn’t do therapy.

I am fretting over my decision that I have made in the coming week. It is not a sure method and I have my doubts that it will work. I am scared though. I would go into detail about it but I think I will just write in my journal my fears. I have been meaning to write in my journal every day since the start of the year but that hasn’t worked out too well. I have skipped a day here and there or sometimes more than that. Doesn’t matter. I have my blogs that I have written every day, sometimes a few times a day.

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by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

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