Category: Bipolar Disorder

Memes and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

inspiration

My therapist friend sent me this meme today and it was what I really needed to help sort out my feelings for the day. It made me smile because he thinks of me in such a caring way. I hope you find it as uplifting as I did.

The temperature dropped severely and my back nearly went out on me. Because of this, I didn’t plan on going out. Then I found out today was National Guacamole Day and I needed a burrito, stat! I had planned on taking the 2 pm bus but I was able to finish my coffee in enough time to catch the one at 1 pm. Plus, my mother wasn’t home yet which possibly meant she was shopping and I didn’t want to be home to carry bags up the stairs. As it was fall like weather, I decided to wear jeans and was glad I did. After I had my burrito, I went to Starbucks for an iced tea. It was really cold there as they had the AC cranked. I had to put on my long sleeved T-shirt as I was cold. I felt like going outside to warm up.

I sat writing for an hour and a half. Today’s Daily Prompt word is Fragile. I kept thinking of something to write about it but I could only get one or two sentences going and that was it. I figure I would do better at home as the music at Starbucks was loud today and it was interfering with my music. Totally overloaded my brain trying to sort through the two different types of music playing. Once they started playing Spanish music, I decided to catch the bus home. I was out of there.

The bus was on time and the mentally disabled guy that I usually bump into on that bus ride wasn’t there today. He just makes me so damn nervous because his temper can go off at anything or he just wants a conversation where he just mumbles or asks you for money. I just find it unsettling.

On the walk home, I decided to go to Walgreens to get some Ben and Jerry’s chocolate brownie ice cream. They had every other flavor but that kind. I was tempted to get Haagan Daz Belgian chocolate as a substitute but I really wanted the Ben and Jerry’s kind. So I left the store, ice cream less.

Last night, much to my surprise, my therapist responded to a text I sent her about the pain I was in and how I was going to give up. She sent me a pic of her “hope drink” the snickers latte that I gave her the other day and a message of saying something like miracles do happen. I found it funny and responded back. I then watched the movie Liar Liar. I needed a comedy. Then I checked the Sox game and they were still losing by 3 runs. I took my meds and watched the final tweets as it was the bottom of the 9th inning and I didn’t think they would comeback but they were playing the Yanks so anything could happen. And they did! I was so fricken ecstatic! They won 7-5 with a walkoff homerun by Hanley Ramirez. It was the best comeback win of the season. That really made my night. Now we are in first place again.

Next week, I am going to try going to the MFA and see how I do. I am planning on going Tues afternoon after therapy. This is providing a whole slew of things going right for me, including my pain being in semi-control over the weekend and getting some decent sleep. I just hope that I don’t get lost in there again as I try and find my way out. That wouldn’t be good with my current mobility problems.

I kind of want to page my psychiatrist and let her know how I am doing. The last email I sent wasn’t terrific. I was really contemplating paging her last night when I was in dire straights. I kept on thinking to myself, what can I do differently because I had enough of just waiting for pain meds to kick in before I feel better. I was thinking of seeing a blasted CBT therapist for chronic pain but I have no idea if they exist in the Boston area. There is just one pain psychologist that I know of that works in the pain clinic at BWH. I don’t really have faith in him because according to his “assessments”, I am at risk for misusing my meds because I have a sexual trauma history. It’s a load of horseshit because if it was true, more than half of America would be hooked on drugs. Maybe I will email my psych and see if she knows someone that does CBT work in the area. There has to be someone in the greatest hospital that does some kind of CBT work.

As I was writing in Starbucks today, I realized it has been at least two weeks since I last read anything. I bought a copy of SE Hinton’s “That was then, This is now” book. I think I am going to read it over the weekend. It’s a short book and it will be fun as I enjoy her books. Eventually, I plan on getting the other two books that she has, Tex and Rumble Fish.

Random 421

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 421

Yesterday when I went to see my therapist in person, I gave her a snickers latte as she has never had one before. She loved it. It’s a really good concoction of caramel, hazelnut, and mocha. Tonight I had another meltdown. I was trying to get a second nap for the day when pain erupted and it sunk me lower than I ever sank. I texted my therapist that I was done and that I was sorry. I didn’t expect her to respond as it was late. About an hour later, she texted me back with a photo of the drink and a lovely supportive message. She is such a dork. I was appreciative of the text and it did help my mood.

I found my “Liar Liar” DVD and decided to watch it. I felt like a comedy would help me out of the pit I was in. It was funny to watch Jim Carey makes his faces. I have seen the movie many times and it cracks me up every time.

I want to sleep, but pain is keeping me up. My foot just will not settle down. I took some more pain meds. I also took another trilafon because I couldn’t remember if I took it or not. Then I watched Twitter and the Sox had a dramatic comeback and won 7-5. That really made my night. I thought they were really going to lose to the Skankees as they were down 5-2. But my boys scored 5 runs in the bottom of the 9th inning to win.

I never took a shower tonight. Mostly because the heater in the bathroom is broken and it’s kind of cool tonight. I didn’t want to freeze my ass off. I’ll take it tomorrow when it’s warmer out. Meds are kicking in faster than I thought so I will stop here, for now.

Post 1946

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

This post could be long or short. I am just going to write and see what comes of it.

I had therapy for the 3rd time this week. We talked more about my suicidality and the blog (first one) that I wrote yesterday. I didn’t send her the second blog. We talked throughout the session about the blog (called perplexed if you want to catch up and read it later). I also sent the blog to my psychiatrist. I was expecting a response and so far, have no gotten one.

There were no tears in today’s session. It was straight on talking about my feelings in the blog and what to do with my suicidality. I kiddingly said I wanted to cancel next week and she flew into mother hen mode. So, I won’t be doing that again. She kept saying that we have to give “us” a chance. She said it more than once. But every time she said it, I grew silent. I didn’t know what to say.

We talked about the idea of her texting me but I think it would be hard for her as she would have to “plan” it and she didn’t know if it was ethical to do so. Yea, because loving your patient is ethical as well. I had to really sit on that one. I know some therapists do text their patients. I told her I would find some resources about it, but I think it just comes down to the therapist being comfortable to do so. I don’t really see my therapist doing it, though it will shock me if it ever does happen.

I would have gone out today but my sciatica was acting up so after session, I just took a nap. I had a hard time sleeping last night anyways and then I woke up before dawn. It’s not been a good day. We didn’t talk about my sleeping pattern and I forgot which blog post I wrote that in. She got that I was burned out by my pain and the trauma of it.

I need to take a shower tonight. I never had a chance to call the eye doctor for an appointment about my dry eyes. I will try tomorrow. I really don’t want to see him but the drops I am using aren’t helping me. I really just want to sleep right now and screw the shower. I am just really tired.

So Close

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I was hoping to go to sleep before my foot or ankle decided to say hello to me tonight. Nope. Didn’t lie down quick enough. Actually, lying down is actually a kind of trigger. Seems my pain is worse when I lie down versus when I am sitting up. Now my foot is doing a curling thing so I had to take some Ativan to calm the fucker down.

I am tempted to text my therapist or email my psychiatrist to ask if I can have an amputation on my ankle if I can’t kill myself. It’s a long shot but I figure there is no harm asking. While I was lying down before the pain erupted, psychache hit me square in the chest. So now I have both types of pain going on and I am ready to jump off a bridge. It’s a good thing I don’t have a car to get to where I am going. There are no bridges in my area that are high enough to kill me, except the Tobin but it’s a bitch to get to and you do need a car.

I don’t know if I am going to get out of this episode that I am in. I feel like if I don’t go through with it, I am a loser. If I at least attempt it, that will be something. If I fail, at least I can say I tried and then deal with the consequences, horrible though they will be. If I succeed, well then this blog will be all that is left behind. None of this will happen in the next few days so if you are thinking of saving me, you are wasting your time. These are just my thoughts that are running through my head at this particular moment in time.

Pain is causing me so much grief. I feel like I am losing it, not that I actually had things to begin with. The black coat of depression is pressing on me very closely. I have been trying to master the lyrics to the song “Make you miss me” by Sam Hunt. I heard it twice today on the radio and messed up the lyrics. Pissed me off. I wanted to share the lyrics and song with my therapist but I was too afraid she would cry. I did share two songs with her today, Reckless by Martina McBride and Don’t think I don’t think about it by Darius Rucker. It helps me to share music with her. I have a knack for songs finding me when I am hurting or need to express myself.

My Sox lost and I think they are no longer in first place. I am upset. They should have had these games but their offense was dead. There are only 17 games left in the season or that count toward the pennant race. I am so nervous about these games. It’s not helping my mood any.

I seriously want to email my psychiatrist and ask her if she thinks I am going to escape this episode that I am in. I just don’t see a way out. I don’t want to go into the hospital. It won’t help me. I might be fine for a few days to a week but the suicidal stuff always comes back. It’s like a monkey on my back. And the longer I go without an attempt, the stronger it becomes. I haven’t made an attempt in years. I don’t know if I am hopeless. I don’t feel it. I feel nothing but blackness. I just don’t know what is going to keep me connected to this world. I hope the pain meds kick in soon so I can get at least my physical pain will be taken cared of.