Category: Bipolar Disorder

made it out for coffee and pizza

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Made it out for coffee and pizza

I woke up in time to catch the next bus to the square, though my uncle saw me at the bus stop and offered me a ride. That was so nice of him. It was really muggy today. There were hardly any seats at Starbucks when I got there. I had a double shot of espresso over ice and then added soy milk. It’s better than spending $4 for a soy latte. My friend told me about this and I have been drinking it when I don’t have my cold brewed coffee. I wanted to read some psych today but I just couldn’t get in the mood to read. I was sitting in an uncomfortable chair so I just decided to write in my journal until the next bus home came.

I got my prescription filled and ran my mother’s errand. She called me on the bus ride home. I wasn’t too hungry when I got home and then I did so I ordered a pizza. I didn’t feel like having it delivered so I just took a walk and picked it up. I was sweating bullets by the time I came back home with the hot pizza. I had two slices and then I was full. I plan on having more tonight for dinner. I can eat pizza the whole day. It’s one of my favorite foods.

I paged my psych to tell her how things are going. I am still waiting to hear back from her. I hope the talk goes well and doesn’t end up with me going to the psych ER. The voices have been fairly under control with taking 8 mg of trilafon. I have been keeping the 4 mg doses apart and it seems to be working well. Sometimes you just got to play a little to know what works. It’s always a trial and error when using psych medications. Thing is, remembering to take it. I took the dose before I left the house because going on the bus and train sometimes causes me to get agitated. It can be a little sedating but I had the coffee so it perked me up.

Baseball game is on tonight. They are playing the Skankees. They suck more than we do so I hope we win. They are playing in NY, which I am sure is more humid than Boston right now. I hope the second half of baseball goes smoothly for my guys. It’s been a rough start but we are still only two games back from 1st place.

I feel like making coffee even though I just had a cup. I try not to have more than one cup of coffee a day because I can get agitated and that is the last thing I need right now. I sometimes will have two cups but only if they are spaced out so not to give me the jitters. I don’t know why I crave a second cup of coffee lately. I am just afraid it will mess with my sleep if I do have it.

My psych got back to me. She is glad she heard from me. She is okay with the 8 mg but would like me to go back down if I can. I really don’t want to because things were pretty scary with just taking the 4 mg.

Reading Randomness

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I’ve had a long day and it’s been pretty exhausting, though I didn’t really do much. I had called my cousin to tell him I wouldn’t be visiting him because of my pain and he was not sympathetic at all. I knew he wouldn’t be. I was to say hi to him in the morning but he never called me so I went about my day. It was muggy so I pretty much just stayed in my room.

I finally finished Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. I spent most of the afternoon reading. I am glad I am done with it because I have finished the series. Now I can move on to my other books. If I am up to it, I will start “The Cuckoo’s Calling”, which is another book by JK Rowling written under her Pen Name Robert Galbraith. If I like the series, I will read the other two books. It’s amazing what you learn from Twitter about authors.

My voices are quiet but the songs in my head are still going. They aren’t as loud as they have been. I forgot to take my dose earlier this afternoon. Yesterday, I took 12 mg of trilafon to quiet things down. Now it seems to be wearing off. I meant to call my psychiatrist but I haven’t done so. I will try tomorrow. I don’t feel like talking to anyone tonight.

The Sox are still off. They don’t play again till tomorrow night. I miss hearing about baseball. The sox are still trying to get a high school left handed pitcher. He went for a physical today, but there has been no deal yet. I wish they would sign him already.

My mood is pretty much the same: bleak and sometimes gloomy. I just can’t get out of this funk I am in and I don’t know how much the psychosis is playing a part. Most of the time I feel flat, like I don’t have any emotions at all. When I am not feeling that way, I feel sad and depressed. I don’t feel joy or any positive feelings. Nothing makes me “happy”.

I have been fighting sleep since I woke up. I just feel really tired. I have no energy to do anything. It took all my spoons just to take a shower this morning. But I know if I lie down, I will just wake up in ten minutes or my ankle will explode in pain. That seems to be happening a lot more frequently. I lie down and my ankle hurts big time. It doesn’t really bother me while I am in a seated position but soon as I lie down, forget about it. Pisses me off.

I had texted my therapist this morning to see if there were any openings to let me know. So far there hasn’t been and as the night goes on, I don’t think there are going to be any. The only thing I have planned for tomorrow is to go to Walgreens to do an errand for my mother. She needs some stuff for the house. I might go to Starbucks in the morning and then go on my way home. I really should get cracking on the psychology 101 book that I bought. I am almost done with chapter 1. There are long chapters in this book. I can only read so much before my brain gets fried or I lose interest in what I am reading. I am glad I am not in school or I would have flunked by now.

feeling exhausted from psychosis

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I took a nap in the afternoon and I still am not quite awake. I really am not looking forward to tomorrow where I said I would be going to a BBQ. I didn’t realize that my mother’s sisters would be going as well. I am going to be bored out of my tree. I had thought of going into the hospital but am afraid my mother’s blood sugar would crash. She has been stable since being home from the hospital. I just worry the stress of me going to into the hospital might cause her to become unstable. I could be wrong but I don’t want to be right.

I talked with my therapist about going in the hospital as the voices are just getting worse and not better despite me taking the trilafon regularly. I am still up to 8 mg a day, which is a moderate dose. I told my therapist I would page my psychiatrist but still haven’t done it. I am kind of afraid that my psych will tell me I need to be in the hospital and then I will have no choice but to go. I really don’t want to go in, for the reasons I have mentioned. I am supposed to babysit next week and that will be difficult if I am in the hospital.

My therapist and I talked more about how the psychosis is affecting me. It is blunting my emotions so it is hard to feel anything. When I do feel something, it’s mostly depression. Last night I was feeling sad because I was thinking about my father. I was tempted to call my sister but it was late. I had briefly discussed the grief of my father with the NP I saw yesterday. She still says what I am going through is normal, what ever that means.

Since waking up at 0300 this morning, I have had the shits. I don’t know why. I haven’t eaten very much in the last couple of days. It’s taken a lot out of me. I think that was why I feel so tired today, despite drinking coffee. I just feel really exhausted. I don’t think I am going to go out with my cousin and aunts tomorrow. It’s going to be too stressful for me and that is the last thing I need right now.

Stay a Little Longer and Enough is Enough

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Stay a Little Longer and Enough is Enough

The past three days the songs Enough is Enough and Stay a Little Longer have been piggybacking in my brain. They have been on either repeat or shuffle. No matter what other music I listen to, these songs break through. I was even hearing “Enough is Enough” while I was on the phone with my therapist. I feel like I am losing my mind. I have been taking the trilafon faithfully every day, sometimes twice a day if I feel stressed.

I don’t know if the lyrics are trying to tell me something or it’s just a song that keeps playing in my head. Whatever the reason, it’s really stressing me out. I am hearing the songs almost the full time I am awake and when I am not I am hearing the voices talk to me.

My therapist read the blog I sent her last week. She said I was describing negative symptoms of psychosis, whatever that means. I told her my psychosis was going on longer than I thought it was, since the middle of January of this year. That was when I was talking about voices being loud and her wanting me to take PRNs. I didn’t take the PRNs because I thought they were just because I was stressing out over my MRI results at that time. Of course, the stress of that was exchanged with the stress of my father’s illness and ultimate death. That in turn, caused my psychosis to unleash itself to what it is today.

I am still grappling with it and still think I need to be in the hospital but because of my mother’s health, I can’t do that. It’s so frustrating to be dealing with this. I had taken 4 mg of trilafon while I was talking with my therapist and then another 4 when I came home a little while ago. The bus had me all freaked out. There was a little girl that kept licking her hand and then touching everything while licking her lollipop. I was trying to not look at her but she was right in front of me. And there was a stench of something really bad on the bus. I don’t know if it was a fluid smell or urine smell but it as bad.

I don’t really remember what I talked about in therapy other than her telling me I was describing negative symptoms. After therapy, I went to Starbucks for my bacon sandwich and coffee that they made really sweet. I swear I was going to get diabetes from that sugary drink. I didn’t finish it because I just couldn’t. I like sugar but only so much. I felt like adding coffee to it to make it less sweet but I didn’t want a caffeine high.

I saw my NP today. She is not leaving the practice, just taking vacation for a few days. I did find out one of the other PCPs is leaving. I liked her, too. I think the new computer system is getting rid of good doctors. It’s a terrible system. I wish they had seriously thought of the impact it would have before implementing it. I just hope my psychiatrist doesn’t decide to leave because of it. I would be so sad.

I just realized that by the time I see my NP again next month, I will have, potentially, my new name. I still need to find out if I need an appointment to change my name or not. I have two weeks to find out. That is when I get paid next and I would like to do it sooner rather than later. So my disability decision for my loans better come soon. Then begins the process of changing everything to my new name. I am both excited and scared at this process.