Category: Bipolar Disorder

Mumble Jumble

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Mumble jumble

I shouldn’t have had coffee at 430 PM last night but I did and I ended up staying up till at least 4 am or so. I was also in a bad mood as I was thinking more about what my mother had said to my brother in law’s mother. I couldn’t stop thinking of how she doesn’t accept me. It sent me into despair/suicidality mode. I just couldn’t stop thinking of being dead. Like snap my fingers and I no longer existed. I got some responses. Then a friend in my support group was not so supportive as she doesn’t understand how I could be male. Not what I fucking needed at that moment! She is questioning that if I am biologically female, then I am female. UGH. I need like a print out or something for these people. Maybe I can show my mother, too.

I finally paid a bill that I wasn’t able to on my phone for some reason. I think paying it has sent my checking account in the red but I won’t know until everything clears. My mother didn’t go to the bank today, which means, ha ha, I will have to do it tomorrow. I need to go out anyways so probably not a big deal. But the bus schedule has changed this week so getting to the Square is a pain in the ass. I will have to look at the schedule to see when the bus is coming every time I want to head out because it is at all different times. So fucking stupid. I have my groceries coming in the morning. If I am not too wiped out, I will do my errands. Wish there was a McDonald’s around. I really would love a filet of fish sandwich. I miss having one close by. Now the nearest one is nearly 2 miles away and I would have to take two buses to get there. So dumb. Maybe I will treat myself to some Thai food tomorrow if I go into Boston.

Christmas Day 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Christmas Day 2018

I had a difficult morning/early afternoon. I didn’t sleep well as I was sick and kept waking up more than a few times during the night. My alarm went off for my meds and it took me at least 45 minutes to take them because I didn’t want to get up. I was just feeling horrible. My throat felt fine but I had no voice. I tried voicing something in my room but no sound came out. I canceled therapy for tomorrow. Talking to my hard of hearing mother was a joke. If one word came out she thought I was joking that I couldn’t talk and then called me a liar. I had to walk away from her, with my hands in my pockets so I wouldn’t give her the finger. Dinner was taking forever because our oven was not working right. She made a cake yesterday and it came out fine so therefore nothing was wrong with the oven. My niece tried to make the ham and the oven temp was half what it should be. She is impossible!!

I went downstairs to get away from her. I really wish I was well so I could have escaped to my friend’s house. I just thought it out. My friend was going to pick me up around 130 and I would just leave and then when they called looking for me, I’d say oh, yea, my friend invited me to dinner see ya! But this damn cold prevented that from happening. UGH!! All in all, it was a good day until my ankle bone exploded and then was hammered. I wanted a shot of whiskey so I hunted my room for a shot glass and in the process found a couple of things that I had misplaced. I put them where I would remember them and then went to my night stand to get a shot glass where I found one with dust bunnies. I cleaned the glass and had half a shot. Still smooth and sweet. I could finish it off but not sure that would be wise with pain meds.

A dear friend came over to give me a gift. Before he left, we had a half shot. I so wanted another and another. This is why I don’t drink because I can binge drink when I can, especially if I like something. I think beer is probably the only thing I cannot binge. I still feel crummy but maybe the whisky will help the vocals and I will have a voice tomorrow.

I had a TG experience tonight. I told my bro in law’s mother that my name is G. My mother was sitting next to her and told her that she refuses to call me that because for 40 years she called me my birthname and she is not going to start calling me G. She used female pronouns referring to me. I hate this woman so much. She does not give a damn about me. I am so tired of her not looking at me as her son. I said something about this the other day as I called from my second phone and she didn’t recognize the number. She asked who it was and I said your son. She was so confused. And now this. I don’t get why she is like this. You can say it is the generation bullshit but I was always under the assumption that a parent was to unconditionally love their child. There seems here there are conditions to her love and I don’t like it at all.

Merry Festivus

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Merry Festivus

I don’t like Seinfeld, at all. He just annoys me but I hate my birthday more so Festivus this is. I had an okay day. We didn’t go out for pizza but stayed in because everyone has a cold. I was glad because my mother could be with us. She wasn’t feeling well either and she kindly gave me her cold for my birthday. When I told her, she said that she wasn’t near me. I then point at common things we touch and she still didn’t get it. I was bad at using hand sanitizer when I got back to my room. So I blame myself for getting sick.

My cousin came over to give me a card. That was nice of her. She always gives me something. She is so sweet. My mother made the cake like she wanted. I told her no sprinkles as I don’t like them and we argued about it. I had some spiked eggnog that my sister made last night. It was potent. I couldn’t finish the little glass that I had. I then took some Nyquil when I came back to my room as I was feeling crummy. My ankle gave out when I stood up. And again when I stood up after using the toilet. FUN! I am in so much pain it isn’t funny. I can’t breathe well. It is cold in my room. I just wanted to write something as I didn’t write yesterday.

I am supposed to see my friends on Christmas Day but I don’t want to get anyone sick. I will see how I feel tomorrow. I took mega doses of vitamin D. I swear by it to help colds. I hope that I am feeling better but sometimes it takes a few days for the D to work. I am trying to drink a lot of fluids but it is hard when you don’t feel well.

My cousin texted me. She apologized for not sending out a Christmas card this year. I was puzzled as I just got one from her yesterday. I told her and she was like she was “stunata”. I laughed. I haven’t heard that word in so long. That is the Italian word for stupid or dumb. She said we need to go for lunch after the holidays and I must keep on her to go. I said okay.

Aside from being in pain, I had a relatively good day. No one annoyed me which was good. I am so glad I blocked my aunt because she is on Facebook all the fucking time. I am just aggravated I didn’t do it sooner when she sent the request. Bitch talks about everything she reads on FB. One woman I am glad was not at my party. I wish I got a pic of my nieces and nephew. I love them so much. I always forget to take pictures. Probably because I hate the damn camera. I don’t mind reading Twitter but put a camera on me, forget it. Which is why my transition pics are getting farther and farther apart. I keep forgetting to take them. I lost track on how many days it has been. I have my T shot this week. I will try and post something for that day.

Just a stupid blog from a brain fogged brain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Just a stupid blog from a brain fogged brain

I went to bed at 7 am. I took my morning meds at that time because I didn’t want to wake up a couple of hours later to that alarm. I wanted to make cookies and shower/shave today. I just ended up making cookies. The oven, which is like 20 years old, is not working right. These cookies should have been done in 10 minutes or so, 20 tops. 40 minutes later, they were still not cooked. WTF. I took my infrared thermometer and found that the temp inside the oven was half of what I had it at. So my brilliant mother said to put it on 400 degrees, 25 more than what I had. Now I have a few burnt cookies and others that are crispy because they browned too much. UGH!!! She yelled at me for not looking at them. What am I supposed to do, look at them every two fucking seconds?? I don’t think they will cook if I am constantly opening the fucking door!! So then I had to clean up. I had dinner first and then tackled the dishes. I didn’t do the pans. I hate washing the pans because I get water all over the fucking place. I honestly don’t think they need to be washed any way because I used a silicone mat and parchment paper. They probably just needed to be wiped down and put back in where they belong.

After the dish washing, I had to rest. My feet were killing me. I shaved my head and put my T shirt in the hamper as it had flour all over it. I went up to my room. I must have rested for like 20 minutes and I had to stand up to grab another bottle of Powerade. HOLY FUCKING HELL!!! My bones in my CRPS ankle felt like it was being crushed! I felt like I was trapped as I couldn’t figure out how to get back into bed. Seems dumb but it is true. I was standing by my bed but couldn’t figure out how to turn around or at least sit on it to swing my legs over. That was how much pain I was in. The pain settled down but my bladder said it had to go. Fuck. I played on my phone like ignoring it would empty my bladder. I wish it worked that way. I stood up and the same thing happened. I grabbed my cane and carefully put on my slippers. I am glad I had the cane to support my leg as it was hard. I went down each step one by one and then when I reached the bottom, I let out a yell. I waited a few minutes before walking to the bathroom. My bladder was ready to lose it. I hurried as fast as I could, holding on to walls and stuff as I walked. I did the deed and washed my hands. I then carefully walked back to the staircase when my mother said I should sit and rest before going upstairs. She doesn’t fucking get CRPS. I was resting. Standing is what is causing me fucking pain!! I need to be in my bed so I could be in my comfy spot and maybe be sleepy enough to lay down and sleep. I don’t know. Pain is so bad right now I don’t think I will sleep even though I am fricken tired. My foot is cold and I put a sock on but I can’t feel it. I never do. I honestly can’t tell sometimes if I am wearing socks unless I look at my feet. Thank you Cauda Equina Syndrome for throwing away my proprioception. My feet are hot so I think I will take off the one sock I am wearing.

I won’t be spending Christmas Day with my family. My friend invited me over to her house so I plan on going. I haven’t seen her in a long time so it will be cool to spend some time with her and her family. I kind of feel bad about it but my friend is bring my older friend who hasn’t been feeling well lately and I really want to see him. He is 82 and it is rare that he is out and about on the holidays. I really would like to spend time with him because there might not be that many left, not that he isn’t in ill health but he isn’t getting any younger. I haven’t told my family yet.