Category: Bipolar Disorder

Saturday Blog 1-Sept-18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday blog 1 Sept 18

I should put do not disturb on more often when there are days I don’t have to do anything. I have it set so only my mother can call me, if there is a problem. But she didn’t call me today and I slept till 3 pm! I had woken up at 4 because nature called and I was hungry. But when I went back to sleep, I was out. I set my alarm for noon. It went off and I shut it but I went back to sleep. I am really surprised I didn’t wake up at all for the bathroom, though when I went at 3, my bladder was hurting big time. I really wasn’t expecting to sleep all day. I wanted to bake but with the damn change in weather, my back hurt pretty bad. It is getting better but it’s late now so I don’t want to bake. I will try tomorrow. I will keep the Do not disturb off so my med alarm goes off. I missed taking my morning meds because I slept so late. I wish I can say I feel rested but I don’t. I feel like I need more sleep.

I had something to eat. I wanted to make bacon but my back said no. I had two burritos. I might have a bowl of cereal later. Or maybe some boiled eggs. I don’t know. Something easy where I don’t have to do dishes after. I like that I have the burritos. It is quick and easy. I should make some egg burritos as I haven’t had them in a long time. I guess I got sick of them as that was all I was eating for breakfast or when I was hungry and didn’t feel like cooking. I made them in batches and froze them. In 2 minutes, I had something to eat. I didn’t like making them with bacon though. The bacon became rubbery and didn’t taste as good.

I shaved my head today. I had to. I was missing the bald feel so bad. I don’t think I did the back right but I don’t care. I know the barber told me to go low so he can better fade it but I kind of like it high the way it is now. But I will listen to him and try not to go too high. I took a shower after as I had to wash the shave oil out. Now my damn fucking ankle is giving me grief. The hot water helped my back. I still got to do the PT exercises. I did some of them when I was in the kitchen after I ate. I have to do some where I use the chair for resistance. It kind of hurt so I only did one set. I don’t think I was sitting properly. I can only do somethings. I just hope my pain doesn’t spike. I don’t feel like battling pain today.

OSU played OSU (Oregon). I thought they were the Ducks and it turns out they are the Beavers. So I am an idiot as I kept on saying on social media the Bucks are killing the Ducks. They did beat them 77-31. I wish I watched the game but I was sleeping. I guess the calendar reminder doesn’t go off in do not disturb mode. I wish I could download the schedule. I need to figure that out. Maybe the OSU website has it. I am using a college football app to check the scores and find out what station they are playing. I hope the whole Urban Meyer thing doesn’t influence there ranking. That would just suck! I was so pissed last season when they didn’t get in the playoffs because they lost to an unranked team. That was the deciding factor. UGH.

Sox are playing now. They are in Chicago. I love that city. They changed the name of the White Sox field. It is now Guaranteed Rate. Dumb name. Probably why they suck. HAHA. Not sure I want to listen. Lately the Sox (red) have been coming back late innings so it was frustrating to watch. I hope they are hot in the beginning and stay hot. I probably will just follow them through Twitter and facebook. I hate the MLB site as they load it will ads and videos that play that you can’t stop. Annoying!!

30 Aug 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

30 Aug 18

I am in a flare right now because I helped my mother with dinner. I was in my room and she yelled for me so I kind of ran down the stairs to make sure she was alright. Next thing I know she is telling me to do this and that for dinner. After things were cooking, I went up my to my room to shut the light off and close my door as the AC was running. When I went down a few steps to go eat dinner, my ankle crapped out on me. I tried going down a few more steps but it just hurt more. I called for my mother to hand me my cane. I needed to get back to my room for breakthrough meds. Though I am hurting so much that it isn’t touching it. I just moved my damn foot to shut the ceiling fan and that just sent pain waves through me.

I went to Starbucks earlier today. I wanted to get my haircut but my barber was not in. I will try to go tomorrow. It all depends on what time I get out after I see my friends. We are meeting late morning. I see my pain doc in the morning and then will be going to another part of Boston to see them. As I now had time to write, I wrote in my journal for a bit and then I saw something on Twitter that sparked me to write an essay about suicide and hotlines. I wrote until it became too emotional for me and I had to stop. Then I spent too much time on social media on my phone and lost my train of thought. I thought I would type it up when I got home as I knew it would be less than 300 words but I really don’t want to stir things up with this flare I am in.

I am very tired and just took my night meds. I plan on taking another breakthrough med with my night time pain med. I’ll also take some Neurontin to help with sleep and any nerve pain I might get once the physical pain settles down. I just used the bathroom and it was hard coming up the stairs. I wish the bozos at the brace clinic fucking listened to me so I could have something to put my foot/ankle in so when I flare, I don’t use it and it can rest. I know it is because it is fatigued and that is why it doesn’t want to “work”. I can feel the fatigue. I also had a spasm just from moving it a little to shut off my fan. My stupid AC isn’t working right. It is on 60 on medium. I should be freezing but am just a little cold, which I can tolerate without having to put on my long sleeve shirt. I can’t stand long enough to move the stuff in front of it to see if the filter needs to be cleaned or the vents need to be adjusted. I thought with the ceiling fan off, it might feel colder. It has, just a tad.

Hunter Hayes just came out with a new song called Dear God. It is so good. I am not sure if the song is out. Figures a male artist comes out with a new song but when Terri Clark came out with a new song last week on radio, Boston didn’t pick it up. I am so mad there are more male artists than female on the radio. I have more male country artists than female. Carrie Underwood and Miranda Lambert dominates the radio waves. I heard a podcast that Terri Clark has and she said it infuriates her that female artists just don’t get the same radio play as male artists. I honestly wondered why Martina McBride, Sara Evans, and other female artists that I grew up on were no longer on the waves and I guess that is why. Sara has come out with a new album as I follow her on social media. Other than that, I wouldn’t have known. I am more of buying albums than individual songs for certain artists and she is one artist I would buy the album, if I have the money for it. Sometimes it takes me a while to budget for albums, but if I want the song, I will get it. Like Luke Combs, I first heard his song Hurricane and liked his beat so bought the album. I loved his album, though I think the deluxe is a rip off as it is the same album but has a few more songs. If I had known that, I would have just bought those songs and made a playlist for the entire thing. I did that with Blake Shelton’s greatest hits. I think I just had to buy one song on the album and made a playlist for the album, boom, I have the album. I didn’t have to buy songs I already have!

28 Aug 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

28 Aug 18

My cell phone provider has been calling me all week. I finally answered the phone and they wanted me to upgrade. I told them to take me off their list as I will upgrade when I want not when you tell me to! Idiots.

I had PT today. My leg cramped up because of being weak. Then we worked on my thigh. We basically just massaged it with lotion, which I didn’t use last night when it was hurting the fuck out of me. It was hurting me today but walking around made it feel better so I didn’t care. I have no idea if massage is the only treatment for it or not. I wasn’t clear on what else can be done for it. She explained why it was hurting but it was kind of over my head. Something about the muscle being in a short position when I am on the computer or just resting in my bed. Doesn’t help with getting rid of the pain!! I still have to wear the stupid fucking air cast. I hate that thing. My AFO I had to remove on the way home. It just got really hot and my foot was burning so damn bad. I changed to my new sneakers and not sure if the plastic is getting hot from the heat or what. I got to call the brace clinic to find out what to do as this is not good. I would love to go without but am afraid that if my ankle goes out on me, I will be dragging my foot and that will be worse. My PT wants me to carry the cane with me just to have some support. I told her about how yesterday people were just stupid! I wanted to carry it just to hit people on the head. But she said just carry it in the bag. UGH ok. I need a bigger bag for all the things I need to carry. My messenger bag that I paid good money for is small for my needs. I am on the fence to go back to a backpack.

It was really hot today. I wanted to shower when I got home but lost the energy for it. I am too tired. I will tomorrow. I canceled therapy. My therapist sent me an email for that and for Monday as it is a holiday. I won’t see him until next week. By then things should be settling down some. I still have to work out the 2nd week in Sept as I have a lot of stuff going on. I might cancel that Wed so I have a rest day. I can’t do anything about seeing my PCP that Thursday as it will be a bitch to reschedule. Then wedding and concert. Yay! Not. I am still nervous about it.

My PT was telling me that she wasn’t surprised I flare every Monday as I am going through emotional stuff in therapy and then getting there and home takes a lot of energy. CRPS is a nervous system thing and so is the emotional stuff. So what ever I can do on the downtime on the ride home will help me. I usually listen to music but I can’t deal with the idiots that get in my way or the bumpy bus ride.

Tonight I am going to try and not pay attention to the game. They are playing the Marlins, interleague. I don’t like interleague games. I think it is stupid. But whatever. I don’t have a say in the schedule. The September schedule looks to be a bitch as we play tough teams, except the Mets but even easy teams we seem to lose so I can’t count them as an automatic win. We still are six games ahead of the snakes, who lost yesterday so that helped. Our last three games of the season is with NY. I have a feeling it is going to be a division thing but we’ll see. Just nerve racking but I am not going to think about it tonight. I am just going to listen to country music and maybe read Poe Shadow. Hope my pain doesn’t get worse. I usually know by 2100 if it will and it is not close to that time yet. Hate my life so much.

27 Aug 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

27 Aug 18

I am taking the bus three fricken hours before my appointment and I still don’t have time to write in my journal after I get my drink and maybe some food at Starbucks. I have like maybe a half hour. Damn bus is just not coming at the time I need it to. I don’t want to leave earlier because then it will be too early.

I just dealt with a massive amount of rudeness on the T today, particularly with the buses. I am a courteous person. I let people get off the bus before I enter. But others are not so courteous. On to my therapist’s office, a lady stood in front of the bus where I couldn’t pass except to the side of her. I could have tripped on the way out. I fucking hate that. My biggest pet peeve. Then on the ride home, two bikers rode by prohibiting me from getting on my bus. There are not to be any bikes on the sideway busway. I was so pissed. I made the bus but I swore if I missed it I was going to knock them down or something. I am seriously going to carry my cane as I think that will send the message I am not a fucking “normal” person. Obviously, the two braces aren’t doing shit!! But then, who looks at people’s feet when boarding bus/train? I sent a message to the T police and T. I didn’t get a response. I didn’t swear either, though I really wanted to.

Therapy went okay. I am still frustrated with everything. I have no idea if talking about things is helpful or not. My therapist has a sense of humor that is dryer than mine, which makes me laugh. We didn’t talk about anything except my pain and my anxiety of the upcoming wedding and concert in Sept. He tried to get me to talk when I was silent but I am so good at deflecting that it goes nowhere. Half the time, I just blank out.

I had bought some CRPS keychains a couple months ago and they came today. They are pretty cool. I love them. I might give one to my PT. I haven’t decided yet. I am not looking forward to PT as I haven’t done the exercises. I have been too busy and in too much pain. Plus I have been doing a lot of walking so that has to count as something (walking around the house that is, not outside. I’d be dead). I am still waiting for my CRPS shirt. The trouble is, I ordered this stuff from the UK group I am in. Things are slow and I understand because pain is a bitch. I have sent books out before I got the money for it and then never received the money. I will not make that mistake again. But now I have paypal so that will help, I hope. I’ve never used it before for sending payment but other people have sent me money or I have sent them money. Seems like a good service. As long as I remember my password…