Category: Chronic pain

Night blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, mental disorders, mood disorders, suicide attempt, writing

this is the first time that I am writing a third blog in a day. I am sorry for the posts but I am in so much pain I don’t know what else to do. I can’t say that I did too much because I didn’t. I just know that my foot is on fire and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I have taken meds to quiet things down and I am hoping with the Ativan I can get some sleep in a little while.

I actually am afraid of sleeping for fear of having that weird dream again. Or another one. I also don’t know why I had an anxiety attack on the bus again. I guess it is getting to be paranoia that I won’t be able to get off the bus at my stop because I don’t want to fall down. My balance on my right foot has been off the past several months, especially when I am turning. I seem to lose my footing because I don’t know where my foot is. It is so frustrating that when I am seen by people it looks like I am drunk.

I got so upset about my menses after my last bathroom break I needed to talk to someone. I just can’t handle this menses situation anymore. I am now bleeding more than I did last week, which technically, I should be bleeding less not more at this stage of the game. I am not a reproductive expert but I know when a period should end. and after seven fucking days, it should be OVER. I should not be continuing to bleed dammit. I am sorry if this sounds gross or disgusting but it is how I feel. I am so upset by this. I am supposed to wear boxers not pads all the time. I am supposed to be a male and because I am not in the right body, this shit happens and I am distressed about it. I was texting to a friend tonight and as I was, I was also writing to my therapist about hanging myself. that is me, I am splitting tonight. In one instant I am texting about marinara sauce and in my writing I am writing about the length of rope I should use.

I should be sleeping because I took some neurontin. But the stuff has not kicked in yet. I also just took my pain meds and some ativan but I am still fucking hyper and in pain. I bet the pain is going to go away first and then the ativan will kick in to put me to sleep. I just hope I don’t wake up at four in the morning again. that is what has caused all this bullshit. I am not sleeping at all through the night. I can’t remember a night where I slept past eight in the morning. It pisses me off. I think I should be up all night and then just sleep during the day. But then my mother thinks that I sleep too much. How can I sleep too much if I am not sleeping during “normal” sleeping hours??

I finished my Lincoln book that I was reading. I just have to read the Epilogue. but I really kind of don’t want to. I like the book because at the end it gives the same speech in the end as in the Lincoln movie. Maybe I should watch that tomorrow. I have not watched it in a while.

God this pain is unreal. It feels like someone is trying to shove a hot poker through my foot. I know it is nerve pain but I usually don’t get the hot poker feeling so I am not sure what that is about. I hope that my CRPS is not getting worse than what it is. I have been getting “hot flashes” in my foot the past several days now. My foot just feels really hot but when you touch it is cool. I don’t know what is going on. I am scared that the nerve damage is spreading or that I somehow twisted my good part of my ankle and now it is sore. I won’t know for a few weeks because that is when I see my PCP. By then, the pain could be gone and I would look like a fool. Either that or the pain will change to something else. I have had so much different types of pain in my foot I think my doc thinks I am making it up just so that I can get pain meds. I swear I am not. It’s just that the worse part of the pain happens at night and not during the day. Though this type of pain, the hot poker, seems to be happening more during the day and then gets worse at night.

Because of this I am constantly thinking of ways to end my life. The problem is that I don’t want my nieces to find my body. And so I can’t kill myself at home. I wish I could just chop my foot off right now. It is so killing me. I know I am not alone with my thinking of killing myself because I am depressed and in pain. That some how comforts me but at the same time it doesn’t. I know that I can’t beat this diagnosis. the pain changes too much for anyone to really believe me. how can they when one day I say that it is a hot poker and another time I say that it is like a barbed wire going though my ankle? or that my foot explodes in pain and I can’t move my last three toes. This doesn’t happen during the day. it only happens at night so when my doc examines me, I am not hurting. I don’t get the exploding pain, the hot poker, the barbed wire. It is SOOOOOO frustrating!!!! I don’t know if my doc believes me. I know my psychiatrist does and my physiatrist does. but I don’t know if my PCP does.

This is what I think about at night, when I can’t sleep. This is why my blog is called the midnight demons because that is truly when the demons come out, either mentally or physically. it truly sucks!

Rambling 45

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I have been trying to collect my thoughts to write this blog while listening to my “mood” playlist and keep getting distracted by the songs.

Last night I wrote my therapist a letter. I think I will write one for each day that she is gone. It is some thing that we do. I can’t explain it but sometimes something good comes from it. I have some deep thoughts or something that I want to talk about. Sometimes it is just a bitch letter because I don’t have someone to talk to about something that is going on. I have notice in my old journals, I would write with the beginning of a letter. Each entry started with her name Dear A. and the later journal entries start with Dear Bozo. I started calling her Bozo to piss her off and maybe she would dump me. Six years later, she still has me so it didn’t work. I still call her Bozo. Her middle name starts with a B anyway so rather than call her that name, I call her Bozo. I am such a prankster. I once got a sticky and placed Bozo on her sign in her office where A should have been. She had no clue for three days!! That was and still is hysterical.

I found a clinical paper last night going through my files so I posted it as a blog. It’s about schizoaffective disorder and I think I wrote it for one of my psych classes.

I had the BEST homemade iced coffee today. I am so JACKED right now on it. I am really feeling hyper from it. My brain neurons are firing left and right. I like it when I feel this way. I am able to get a lot of writing done. I am sure that I will probably crash in an hour but this is kind of fun. I already did my shopping. Now I am just waiting for the mail to come to see if my doc sent out the prescription for my pain meds. I have only a few to get me through the next few days.

I have been up since 0800. I woke up and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I don’t know why. But it gave me enough energy this morning to go food shopping. Tonight I will have PF chang’s general Chang. I love their food. I wish I could have gotten some of their appetizers but I had only so much money. I still have some money left over for my meds that I will need in the middle of the month. I know I am going to be hurting tonight because I had to go up and down the stairs to bring up my groceries. It was only a few bags and a couple gallons of water but still. The trips are going to cause havoc on me later.

I am so happy I made my coffee. I also got my donuts like I wanted. I was so craving a jelly donut. I got a ½ dozen rather than a dozen like I was thinking. I was disappointed they didn’t have powdered donuts.

I know the coffee is making me feel hyper and feel good. I don’t trust it. I know the demons will be back tonight when the sun goes down. And I will be in pain. I wish I could feel like this forever. Then I wouldn’t be thinking of killing myself every night.

crappy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mood disorders

I am having a crappy day. I had to go see my pdoc today. We talked about my week and that I am considering stopping my meds. She said she wasn’t sure how that would help my blood pressure. Little does she know that I stopped taking it a few weeks ago. I am waiting till next month when I see my PCP to see if I need it or not. I don’t think I need it but then it’s not like I am checking my blood pressure regularly either. There are no signs of being hypertensive. I just hate taking the pill. It’s a thick round pill and sometimes I have trouble swallowing it.

Then to make my day that much better my ceiling fan is on the fritz. I turned it on when I got home and it’s making a grinding noise. I don’t know if it is a motor thing or a fan thing. I’ll have my brother in law look at it tonight. Don’t think there will be much he can do without taking it apart, which is going to suck. I took two of the non working lamps off and that seems to help with the noise but didn’t cure it. It is driving me nuts but I need air on this humid day. I would run the AC but it’s too cool for that. Just another annoyance for today. Least I have a smoke detector in my room in case it really goes.

I haven’t showered all week. I meant to take one today before going out but I slept too late and didn’t feel like it. I still don’t. My ankle is bitching at me and I wish I could yell back at it but it won’t do much good. It’s going to hurt anyways. I might take it later tonight when it isn’t so angry at me. For some reason the ceiling fan is causing me to have a “brain freeze” affect in my ankle. I think I will have to shut the fan off soon so I can take a shower. Maybe that will help the mood that I am in.

I hate the new update for my rocket player app. It is the app I mostly use to play my music on my phone. I have an android app but it doesn’t pop up on power up like rocket. The latest app shuffle sucks. I listen to a whole album of the same artist before it “shuffles” to the next artist. It then plays two songs and then plays an album. ANNOYING!! I have switched to the android player for now. It still suck shuffling but not as bad as the rocket app.

I told my pdoc what my therapist did about reading my blogs without my permission. She didn’t offer anything about it. But then there really isn’t much to say. My therapist can read my blog like a million other people. I wish I knew why it bothers me so much. I know I should let it go but I just can’t. My therapist is on vacation this week. I have one full week without her annoyances and nosiness.

My pdoc informed today she is on vacation the middle two weeks in August but she is still available via email if I need her. She also has not had a chance to read the paper I sent her for some input. It is a paper I already posted as a blog but I think needs some final touches to but don’t know about. My friend hasn’t gotten back to me about the suicide and relationship one that I started. I think I wrote a page about it and now have no idea where the ideas went.

I am having my own Taylor Swift concert in my room tonight rather than watch Lackey pitch. From the sounds of Red Sox Nation, it looks like they are not doing too well. I am passionate about my Sox but I love Taylor so don’t mind listening to her. It has been a while since I heard her songs. Other than the ones I have picked for my “mixed” playlist, I really don’t listen to her other songs. Just hope the Rocket app doesn’t mess with playing all the albums one by one. I would like some of the older songs mixed with the new. Wonder if I can tailor it to my satisfaction?

nobody knows

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, mood disorders, suicide, writing

Nobody knows…

Nobody knows how bad I hurt

Nobody knows how late I stay up

Nobody knows the pain that I feel

Nobody knows the hours I sleep and don’t sleep. They think that because it is night time, I sleep but I don’t. I usually have the best sleep between 6 am and 10 am. That is all I need. A four hour nap. Because it is the only thing that makes me feel good for a few hours. It is the only thing that takes my pain away when I am in the deepness of the unconsciousness.

Nobody knows the struggle in my chest.

Nobody knows the pain that I feel

nobody knows how bad I want the struggle to end

nobody knows how bad I just want to end my life