Category: Chronic pain

pain of emails at times

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression

Midnight demons rise again

I was having a real painful night last night. The menses have stopped but the depression is still in full gear. I tried to stay “conscious” even though I was tired so that the demons didn’t come out and I sent some more good bye letters. I was doing fine until I couldn’t take the physical pain anymore and just posted a status on Facebook “everyone wants to turn a blind eye to the pain i experience every day. so be it. when they ask for something I will just tell them no can’t do it because of pain. maybe then they will get the message..I am too tired of fighting all my thoughts are dark and no one cares or gives a shit” . With me having posted this status, I was finally able to sleep. Then the interesting comments began. The latest one that I woke up to this morning is that one of my “friends” is going to kick my butt. WTH I don’t need that shit. I know she was joking, but come on! It so pissed me off and was so uncalled for. I wanted to reply a big FUCK YOU to her but what would be the point? I don’t remember posting the status anyway and it was how I felt at the time. I am just glad I didn’t email my psychiatrist like I really wanted to.

I did however write several pages to my therapist last night. I think the comp book is going to get filled up very quickly this week. I have been getting the itch to write. Sometimes it’s hard though because I don’t have a clear idea of what I want to say. Other times, once I do get started, it flows like a river. I don’t remember what I wrote about. Just some stuff that I wrote in my blog and how I was hoping that the midnight demons wouldn’t come out. Apparently, I was wrong. I am kind of pissed and I didn’t take my Neurontin this time around so it definitely is a psychological thing and not a medication thing. Like it would be that easy. After the Sox game is when I noticed I came apart. I just was really mad they lost again. And that the stupid fucking Rays won. We (Sox) still are in first place but I am not sure for how much longer if the Rays continue to win and we lose. I am getting very frustrated. But the bullpen just isn’t as strong as it was and the bats aren’t as hot as they were. It’s like both equations for the team have been null.

Anyways, so after the Sox game I noticed I got really tired and was going to go to sleep but I was playing my music and it was keeping me up, like fighting sleep up. I then had the urge to write something, anything. I really think that is when the demon came out. It didn’t take over completely, like it has in the past, as I was still trying to stay in control. But my mood just got wicked down and the pain in my foot and ankle went berserk. I think after my ankle and foot pain went nuts, so did I. I just lost control, hence why I posted that status on FB. But I felt better after I posted it and got some understanding responses. I didn’t get the rude response until this morning. I don’t get why people in pain respond that way. I don’t find it funny at all. And this person suffers from chronic pain too so I really don’t get it.

I still am feeling tired despite sleep most of the afternoon. My mother made some fish for supper so I had some of that. I really want some ice cream so I will probably go down to get it in a little bit, after I finish my writing.

My foot has been “good” most of the day, though now it’s fricken cold and hurts. This is not good because once it warms up, it will really WARM up. Even if I take my pain medication now, there is no telling that it will work or not. I have to wait till it warms up before taking the pain meds. I have tried taking the pain meds while anticipating and thinking it will lessen the pain but it doesn’t always work out that way. I really wish there was a pill I could take that would keep me pain free for at least 24 hrs. But there isn’t.

Last night I read a report about Gmail not being private anymore so I was off switching email accounts on my support group. I now use a Hotmail address for everything and I have several accounts that I have made over the years. My main email I have had since being with MSN in 2001. I recently have opened one specifically for my blog. This is so I know which account has the specific things I need. One is my personal, one is for my group, and then one is for my blog. I know it might sound weird but I like it this way. It’s just another organization system in my head. The trick though is remembering the passwords!! Because the group is yahoo and I hate using Yahoo mail, I had to log on, again. My email got corrupted once so I had to say my account was compromised to get a new password. Now I wrote it down in my journal so I know what it is should I have to go back into it. I hate Yahoo. But I guess if you have a strong password to begin with you are ok. My other passwords are the same or I try to keep them same if possible so they are easier to remember.

I am so excited that my menses have finally stopped. I would jump for joy but that probably would not be good for my ankle.

distressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, suicide, suicide attempt

I know I have been writing more and more about my transgender issues and more of my identity crisis that I am. I am deeply distressed right now and don’t know what else to do but write. I started working on a blog for my 400th blog but the meds are interfering with my thought process. I took 2400 mg of neurontin to calm down the horrible burning pains in my foot that I have been experiencing all day. I just can’t take it anymore. I took some of my pain meds with the neurontin and I am kind of feeling kind of out of it but I still haven’t passed out yet. I think I will in a few minutes as I can barely hold my head up anymore as I am fighting the fatigue. I am just so damn upset over the stupid menses. I know that even if I get to my doc there is nothing really she could do. I will still have to wait at least three weeks to see if the next treatment works, that is if I stop bleeding. I would be ok if I would just stop bleeding. It so distresses me and usually I am able to handle it but now this is going on for almost three weeks and I am losing my handle on the rope that is holding me together. I think tomorrow if my flow is still the same I will stop the patch and see what happens. I don’t know what else to go. i will go a few days of not wearing the stupid fucker and see if that helps.

I am deeply suicidal and yet deeply concerned about someone who just wrote to me that she is planning her final affairs. There is nothing I can do to stop this lady, she has her mind set on killing herself. I don’t blame her. I really don’t. There is only so much pain you can take before you finally snap and have to do something to get rid of it. I have been where she is right now. She doesn’t have a good support system and I think she is mad at me in some way that I have abandoned her. I feel bad that I have not called her like I have said before but I just don’t feel like talking. I guess I am afraid of calling a stranger and letting her in my life. I am scared. I once got close to a member of the support group and then she just stopped contact. No more emails, no more phone calls, no messages returned. Nothing. I later found out through her husband that she just got tired of her condition that she became constricted and didn’t want to reach out anymore. It was too painful for her. I lost my friend to this horrible condition because she has the active form due to another dreaded condition that is worse than the other. I would name them but they are conditions that no one really understands. I might as well as be talking about the moon and the stars and how far away they are. I think they name them these big ass names so that no one can understand and push us further apart from the human race.

So Ms. M, if you are reading this, I am sorry that I failed you. I wish there was a way that I could stop you from doing what you are planning but I guess there is no way to stop you. Just like no one can stop me in my planning. I hope that we both succeed. I know that dealing with constant, excruciating pain and loss of bodily functions really suck. I know this first hand. I can’t stand it that someone so sweet could hurt so much and no one notice. It is not fair. But I understand. I really do.

tired of living

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender

I am feeling blah today. I just finished taking a shower and though I feel refreshed, I don’t have any motivation to do anything. I have some time to get my coffee before my therapy appointment in a couple of hours but I just don’t feel like being rushed. Every time I do, I forget something, and usually the essentials, such as the keys to my house!

I responded to an email for my CESSG (Cauda Equina Syndrome Support Group) about physical therapy. I hope that the person doesn’t see a chiropractor. That is how all of my problems started. I think that if I was given adequate pain medication in the beginning of my back pain, I would not have gone to see a chiropractor or if I had stopped once the pain did I would not have ended up with CES. All the ifs that go through my mind, looking back.

I am especially feeling out of sorts today because I still have my fricken, goddamned menses. Just when I thought I was getting over it, it comes back in full force. I seriously am suicidal more so now than I was before. I just can’t take being a woman anymore. I have tried to stop the cycle and I am failing horribly. I am so sad. I hate being in this body. I never am going to be a man. And though I should be possibly reaching out for help, I just can’t. I just can’t bear talking about it with someone because I know I will just start bawling like a baby. Just writing about it is bringing tears to my eyes. It just is a deep emotional reaction. And even though I know there are other FTMs out there, I still feel alone. I just can’t cope with this anymore. I doubt that anyone really knows the frustration of dealing with this. I am trying to cope with it but how do you cope with something you know is WRONG?? I know I should probably go back to my reproductive endocrine doc and be like this isn’t working but why bother? She has been trying to stop this beast and has been unable to do so this past year. My confidence in her is down to nothing. I know I probably should go to the experts and see what they know but this Doc is the tops in her field. I don’t understand how hard it is to stop a fucking period. It just doesn’t make sense to me. And with every mense that I get, the closer I get to killing myself. I am done with it. I just want to die. I am in too much pain anyways. My foot was acting up soon as I woke up this morning. It’s sort of fine now as I took my pain meds.

I just am tired of living. Tired of trying to make sense of all this. I really don’t know what to do about my menses anymore. I wish it was easy to get through this but it’s not. Every time I wipe myself and there is blood I freak out. I just don’t understand why I am still bleeding. It’s been two weeks already. This is my third week. I was hoping it was getting less toward the end of the week but I was wrong. I really hate being like this. I hate feeling like a freak. And nobody understands that I am going to end my life because of it. I wish I knew what I was feeling but all I feel is hurt. I feel pain. I feel hate. Hate that I am not who my brain thinks I am. And I get weaker. I get more tired with each passing day. It just takes so much energy to deal with this. To wear underwear now that are made for females is just killing me inside. I might be called a masculine name but I am far from being it.

on being a loser

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression

My therapist is back from vacation. I really am glad she is back. We talked a lot today and I sent her a funny card for her birthday which is tomorrow. On the front of the card it has a dog saying “look I can connect to the internet” and a cat that is saying, “that is the microwave…” on the inside is says something about being an imbecile in the technological age, which is so true for her. I wish she was up to speed technologically but only a miracle can happen before she is. She has a vague idea what Skype is just to give you an idea and even though I created her own email address, she always forgets she has it. In her squirrel brain, I don’t know if she ever uses email for anything.

I have been depressed all day despite being with my niece. I just have been really fighting the suicidal thoughts all day. Even though I feel I have made some success with my blog and it being on the Masters in Counseling website, I still feel like a loser. I just don’t feel good enough. I am wicked depressed and in pain all the time. I am so tired of being in pain all the time. Yesterday my arthritis was acting up because I haven’t been taking my anti-inflammatory pill. I have sort of been deciding which meds to take and which not to take since I have been having trouble finding the funds to get them. I kind of wish I was on state health care so that it might be cheaper than what I am paying with my private insurance but there is no guarantee that I can see my providers. I know I can still see my therapist and psychiatrist. I am just worried that I won’t be able to see my primary care doc. So until then, I am skipping doses except for my psych meds. I can’t miss too many days of them because I will go nuts.

Because my pain has been acting up severely lately, I have really been in a funk. I just can’t get myself together to get out of it. I still do everything that I normally do, like go to Starbucks and goof off there then come home and usually write something. I just don’t know why I bother leaving the house. I hate taking the bus now. I get wicked anxious on the ride home every time. Getting there to where I need to go is not a problem because it’s the last stop of the bus. Everyone needs to get off so I don’t feel so claustrophobic and panicky. But on the ride home, if someone is blocking the entrance or an exit, I just get really paranoid and panicky for some reason. I don’t know why it is and why this is happening as I NEVER felt that way before while on the bus. I guess I am just self-conscious that I may trip over someone or something and go flying when the bus stops. I hardly leave my seat anymore when approaching my stop for fear of falling. I usually have good balance but lately I have been off. I guess it is becoming more into my head of not knowing where my feet are and it’s distracting me. Because of my nerve injury, I no longer know where my feet are, especially my “good” foot which is my right. I used to be able to keep my balance pretty good but lately I have been losing my balance on it more than my “bad” foot. I just feel like killing myself will solve everything. I won’t have to deal with the anxiety, the pain, the loss of balance, and the heartache anymore.

My therapist reminded me today that I am needed by others. Again with the others and my family. I kind of felt better, a little bit but I know she was just saying it because she is one of the others that need me for some reason. It kills me inside that I have to continue to suffer for others. It’s like I am being a martyr or something. I just am so tired of living. So tired of being tired. I can’t remember when I had energy to do stuff. I wanted to clean out my car today so that I could junk it but I had my niece with me so that didn’t happen. We went to the park and I know if I take my sock off I am going to be in pain more than I already am right now. I have been putting off cleaning my car for almost a year now. I just don’t have the energy or motivation to do it. It needs to be done but I just can’t do it. And I feel like a loser because I don’t have any motivation or energy to do this stuff. I am able to. I just need to sit on the back seat with a trash bag and haul all the stuff in the back in a bag but that is too much for me. I need to save my spoons for going to Starbucks to get my one cup of coffee a day, to get dressed and showered. To be able to tolerate standing while waiting for the bus. I think I am going to take a nap now.