Category: Chronic pain

ramblings 22

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

I don’t know where this day has gone. I had a disastrous appointment with my therapist in which I accidently hung up on her and we both we trying to call each other back at the same time, which just lead us to each other’s voicemails. Stupidly, I was looking for my psychiatrist number and accidently dialed it during our session. But no matter, she called me back and after I explained that I panicked and hung up on her she laughed.

My therapist is worried because of what I wrote in my last blog (mental anguish) and she wanted me to tell my psychiatrist so I emailed the blog to her while we were talking. We have phone sessions because I don’t have a car and she is now thirty miles away from me. She used to be closer but then decided to have a life outside of our therapy (AKA have a kid) and consolidated her practices to where she lives. Which sucks for me because unless I can borrow a car, there is no way I can see her. I might end up seeing her next week but it is a hassle. I have to wake up early to take my sister’s car from my brother in law who leaves around 7 every morning. That is a long day with someone who has nothing to do and then I have to pick him up from work. I can’t wait till he gets a more reliable vehicle for his own use rather than my sister’s. That is why we have phone sessions.

I got my new glasses today and seems like I will have to go back as one of the lenses is scratched. Just what I fricken need.

Having trouble with tomorrow’s writing challenge. I am supposed to write about something that I am proud of but I don’t feel like I’m proud of anything because I feel like crap right now. How can you feel proud of something when you feel like killing yourself? When you feel like you are the biggest loser on the planet? Or feel like a big piece of shit? I just want to crawl under a huge rock and hope it crushes me to death.

mental anguish

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

I feel like I have a terminal illness except it doesn’t kill you. That truly is what depression is like. An illness that takes your life away from you without killing you. The only way to end it is by you taking your life.
These are the thoughts I have been pondering for the past half hour. I just feel like I am sick but physically I am well. I am on disability for an illness that no one can see or hear. I hate this suffering every day. I feel so worthless as a human being.
My therapist thought I had my day of death in the fall. She couldn’t be more wrong. I just set a date because I just can’t go on anymore. Does it mean that I will go through with my plans? I don’t know. If the day was tomorrow, you bet I would. I feel cheated that I have to wait it out until this day. I am not going to mention it to anyone because I don’t want to be stopped.
I always plan my death. It helps to calm me down. Imagining how the knife will feel or a rope around my neck. That is gory I know but when you are in so much pain you can’t imagine happy thoughts to save you. It just doesn’t work that way. I feel suicidal so I am going to think of suicidal things. It helps to have options out there. That is all that I am doing. Giving myself options on how to die and break free of this awful cycle of being ok and being six feet under.

Another Crappy Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, mood disorders, psychache, suicide

I have been in a depressive funk for the past few days. It started with a CES accident and has not let up since. Most days I do not think I have CES because my symptoms are minor and the burning in my legs have dwindled for the past week for some reason, maybe because I have gone back on my mood stabilizer. Well the mood stabilizer has done nothing to stabilize my mood. I have gone off the deep end twice and have thought nothing of killing myself for no good reason. Anything that doesn’t go my way I am thinking of ending my life.

It started before New Years so I can’t say with certainty the holidays brought it on. Now I am dealing with voices. They are a low mumble right now. I hate them more than I hate being suicidally depressed. I think I might end up in the hospital if I can’t get the voices under control. I kind of stopped my meds last week because I was getting horrible side effects. Now I am back on them but it is going to take a couple days to work up to a therapeutic dose.

I had to reblog one of my blogs because it got spammed really bad. I was getting spam messages almost every day that had nothing to do with the content of what I was saying. It was depressing because it is a paper I worked hard on for the past few years. I know the blog world doesn’t think much about academic papers but I know I couldn’t get this published anywhere so a friend said to blog it. I have gotten good reviews from friends about it. I have gotten nothing since the reblog.
Yesterday I had 50 viewers on my site. Not bad as my average is usually 17-20 but no one left me any comments…

Yesterday I went out to read and lost the book I was reading. It fell out of my bag and left me really depressed. It is a book about suicide and I was getting to the “good” part of what the underlying cause of my suicidality is. I feel like such an idiot for losing it (I forgot to close my bag after putting it back in). I suppose I could go to the bus stop tomorrow and see if anyone has turned it in. Most likely someone just threw it away. The thing that really stinks is that it is an autographed copy. I got the book when the American Association of Suicidology was in Boston for their annual conference. I have ordered another copy on Amazon but it is a paperback and I had the hardcover. I like hardcovers better than paperbacks. It is so depressing.

I must have thought a million times to page my psychiatrist or my therapist because my mood has dropped twenty degrees in the past 48 hours. I just don’t know what to do. I know part of it is because I still have my menses which I shouldn’t have. It is messing me up with the whole transgender thing. I am a male and should not be getting menses. I am in the wrong body. I am so upset I have thought about cutting to soothe myself but I don’t want anyone to see my scars. I have little ones that will harp on it like a bat out of hell. And I don’t want to worry my family so I suffer. It’s not like talking about it is going to help anyways.

Another cold depressing day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, writing

It’s a very cold New England day. I didn’t want to venture out because it was bitter cold. I bought the best of Laura Branigan because I had to listen to Ti Amo and Gloria. I was looking for the Italian version she made but no such luck.
I haven’t done anything but shave and shower. I also brushed my teeth. That is one of my resolutions: to brush my teeth at least once a day. Yesterday I didn’t do too good at it though I had enough opportunities. I just was feeling really yucky yesterday like I am today.
Seems the newsletter that I am working on will be on board sometime next week. I am kind of excited but the depression is making me feel like so what. I know this is a big thing but it’s hard to get excited when you feel so exhausted and down because of the depression.
I am supposed to write a review for a book I read. I am kind of nervous about it because I never wrote a review before and right now in this frame of mind, I don’t think it will be good to write anything. It will just be depressing and that is not what the book is about.
I still have not made any decision about when to tell my family about being called “Mike”. It’s funny because those at the newsletter still call me by my initials of my first and last name. I don’t know what to be called. I guess this is what a true identity crisis is like. For this newsletter I want to be called anonymous and so I am, just like this blog. I doubt my family reads this even though I post it on my real Facebook page. I also post it on my twitter account. I started a midnightdemons twitter account but I like my twitter account better as I have had it for so long.
I texted my therapist that I canceled my appt for Monday. We’ll see if she respects it or not. I should call and cancel as that would be more meaningful but I think 4 days time of canceling is better than a phone call. I am supposed to give 24 hr notice and 3 days is more than that!
I just don’t want help anymore. I know I need it but what is it doing for me? Nothing. I talk to a person that sometimes talks more than I do for crying out loud. I have tried to get her to shut up but most of the time I what she says makes sense but I still feel like I should be talking some of the time during my session. I have tried getting a new therapist but that failed disastrously. Tried ten therapists and they all bailed on me because of my history of suicidality. So now I am stuck with a person who is thirty miles away from me and I have to have phone sessions with. Not that I mind. But I wish we could have a real session once in a while. Maybe Tuesday I will get up early to take my sister’s car so I can have it for the day.