I hate what my life has become. I don’t shower regularly. I don’t brush my teeth every day like I am supposed to. I just hate being this glob of a person. I miss working though I can’t anymore because it hurts too much physically. Plus it was causing me to have severe suicidal thoughts every day, sometimes every hour. But it at least provided distraction from being miserable. I have tried to do what is right but I just don’t care any more. I have given up trying to live a life. I don’t go out anymore unless I have to. I barely make it to my psychiatrist’s appointments. I have a hard time waking up in the morning. And though it’s easier to get it out of the way in the morning, it sometimes sucks because I will have nothing else to do for the day. I write about my miserable life in hoping that someone will take solace in knowing they are not alone in what they are feeling but I feel alone because I no longer have people contact. I know I should probably join a group therapy group or something to get me out of the house but I just can’t think of it and I do nothing. I try and read but my attention span is just not there. I try and play my Facebook games but they bore me now and frustrate me. I should probably clean my room but I have no energy to get out of bed. I keep my laptop on my bed at all times because I need its accessibility for my thoughts. I journal pages and pages of things that run through my head of a day of nothingness. It really sucks being disabled.
Category: Chronic pain
nerve pain is a bitch
I should be sleeping but instead my left foot is driving me up the fucking wall with it’s constant buzzing. My toes are even vibrating though if you touch them they will feel normal. I am very tired and all I want to do is sleep but this annoying foot keeps me awake. If I could chop it off I would.. now I am getting bone pain. My toes are cringing though they have nothing to cringe at except my wrath.
It hasn’t been this way for a couple of weeks. I actually had some reprieve for almost three weeks when I got a cold and was drinking cold medicine like it was going out of style. But now the pain has returned and I do not like it. There is nothing I can do about it till I pass out which might take a while. Right now it’s 02:45 in the morning. I tell time by military as I think it’s cool and more precise.
I got my book that I lost and had to reorder today. I forgot how dry the material is and down. I read up to chapter 1 because I didn’t want to overload myself with suicidal thoughts right now. I should probably take some pain medicine but I want to see if it will go away on its own first. That is part of my problem. I wait until I am in unbearable pain before I take my meds. What usually would be a 6 or 7 for someone would be a 10+ for me. I have a high pain tolerance. It really needs to be a 10+ in order for me to take medication. Otherwise I think I am wasting it. I know that is probably not right to do, to wait till the pain gets really bad, but like I said, sometimes it is just a passing phase and other times it is with me for days. I hate this type of pain. The pain meds just usually knock me out so I can get some sleep and calm down some of the pain. It can take days before I am pain free agin. I just wish My middle toe would stop doing what its doing. It’s like wiggling saying “hi I’m here” like some little kid that wants to play. Well I don’t want to play, I want to sleep damn it!! It also feels like someone with a vise is clamping down on the toe, making sure it doesn’t go anywhere. I hate this type of nerve pain. And it’s the result of Cauda Equina Syndrome. My bundle of nerve got crushed and now I am left with nerve pain that decides to come and play every night. It can’t come out during the day like normal pain, NOOOOOO, why would it do that? Then we might have simpler lives. We might be able to work and play with our kids. This damage costs us everything and there is nothing anyone can do to make it better once it happens. It’s all a joke until we kill ourselves from the pain. Everyone one of us has at one point or other thought about killing ourselves because the pain gets too much or we just can’t see ourselves living this hell anymore. Doctors are useless. They just like to spin us on merry-go-rounds having us go from this doctor to that doctor and so on. It took 9 doctors and two physical therapist to figure out that I was not walking correctly because all my scans and tests came back normal, they thought I was a head case or something. I was in pain 24/7 and nothing was helping me sleep except a little pain medication. It took months between this appt and that appt to figure it all out. Then I got out of work because I couldn’t walk around the lab anymore. My department of 14 yrs says sorry your restrictions are too strict and out the door I went on forced medical leave. I couldn’t believe it. I wanted to kill myself right then and there if I had a chance. At 36 yrs old I was declared disabled after fighting this condition for eleven years. It was fun being out of work for a while. But then it got lonesome. I missed my coworkers. I missed going out. I became a hermit. I had nothing to do 24/7. I played my games and that was about all. But the pain didn’t stop, even with me resting it. If I went out and stood too long or walked too far, I paid the price. Like I am doing now. I must have walked too long though I hardly left my house at all except to go to my sister’s house around the corner. Now my foot is on fire and there is no extinguisher to put it out. Simple things I just can’t do anymore. I don’t shower because it hurts to stand too long. I don’t brush my teeth for the same reason. People take these things for granted. I can only take a 10 minute shower and in those ten minutes I wash and then if I remember I brush my teeth. I dry off quickly and hope I don’t fall while I put on my clothes because sometimes my balance is off.
I still can’t believe the difference between my left and right foot. It’s so weird. I have full feeling on my right but diminished feeling on my left. Sometimes but not often I have burning on my right foot. It’s the left over nerve damage from my initial injury 12 years ago. My anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. Maybe that is why I am thinking about it now. These memories don’t fade away like normal ones. My therapist calls it a trauma. I guess when you have emergency surgery, it is a trauma.
a bad day
Been in a funk the past two days. I have ben really down because of the condition I have called CES, or Cauda Equina Syndrome. I have had to bladder accidents that have cut my mood to shreds. Then in my dreariness, I told one of my sisters that I wanted to be Mike. She was supportive but didn’t understand that the reason why I have been so miserable is because of being in the wrong body. I cried myself to sleep last night only to wake up at two o’clock in the morning. I didn’t fall back asleep until six thirty. I hate the disrupted sleep.
Now that she knows, I feel relieved but I have the urge to cut really bad. I hate myself and want relief. The only way I have been able to do that in the past is by cutting. But I am afraid that once I start, I won’t be able to stop. I took some meds to help calm me down but they have not kicked in yet. I have been up since nine thirty and really just don’t want to do anything. I just want to sleep but I am not. I played some online poker and lost a big amount of chips. Not a big deal as it’s not real money. I can always get it back or buy more chips.
I have been playing on the computer most of the morning trying to get rid of the awfulness that I feel. But nothing is working. I’m looking at razors and bandages. I am imagining how it will feel and if I will need stitches. That will suck as I will most likely be hospitalized. I should pack a bag just in case so my family knows what I need. I know I have a lot of writing to do but right now I just can’t do it. I don’t have the energy. I really want to go off on a person in the CESSG group for being a whinebag. She is complaining about everything that is wrong with her life. I hate people like that. Most of it has NOTHING to do with CES and that bothers me.
I still want to end my life. Nothing has changed my plans for my date with death. I have to have this just so that I can live. Surprisingly it is a national day of something. I forget what it was but it was pretty funny. I really have to decide what I want to do today to harm myself. I feel like I deserve it. The pain that I feel is intense and I can’t bear it too much longer, though I am trying. Though any time I talk about suicide or cutting pain is usually involved. It’s not a physical type of pain. Just a kind of heartache that won’t go away.
I am happy that I am transitioning but it’s hard as hell. One of my aunts suggested I say a Hail Mary ten times a day. I have been out of the Catholic church for years and the only way for me to remember the word is to look them up. I am not going to do that because I do not believe in prayer. I am not a religious person in the least. I wish people would just listen to me and not have too much to say other than they understand. Is that too much to ask. Most people when they open up to issues like I am describing just need an ear to vent out their frustration and maybe a shoulder to cry on. They don’t need their problem fixed or delegated to someone else. They just need support to get through that moment of time they are in distress.
ramblings 22
I don’t know where this day has gone. I had a disastrous appointment with my therapist in which I accidently hung up on her and we both we trying to call each other back at the same time, which just lead us to each other’s voicemails. Stupidly, I was looking for my psychiatrist number and accidently dialed it during our session. But no matter, she called me back and after I explained that I panicked and hung up on her she laughed.
My therapist is worried because of what I wrote in my last blog (mental anguish) and she wanted me to tell my psychiatrist so I emailed the blog to her while we were talking. We have phone sessions because I don’t have a car and she is now thirty miles away from me. She used to be closer but then decided to have a life outside of our therapy (AKA have a kid) and consolidated her practices to where she lives. Which sucks for me because unless I can borrow a car, there is no way I can see her. I might end up seeing her next week but it is a hassle. I have to wake up early to take my sister’s car from my brother in law who leaves around 7 every morning. That is a long day with someone who has nothing to do and then I have to pick him up from work. I can’t wait till he gets a more reliable vehicle for his own use rather than my sister’s. That is why we have phone sessions.
I got my new glasses today and seems like I will have to go back as one of the lenses is scratched. Just what I fricken need.
Having trouble with tomorrow’s writing challenge. I am supposed to write about something that I am proud of but I don’t feel like I’m proud of anything because I feel like crap right now. How can you feel proud of something when you feel like killing yourself? When you feel like you are the biggest loser on the planet? Or feel like a big piece of shit? I just want to crawl under a huge rock and hope it crushes me to death.
midnightdemons7 
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