Category: chronic physical pain

feeling lost

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling lost

I didn’t write a blog yesterday because I couldn’t write. My brain was all messed up due to pain. I hate that it is interfering with my writing. My blog is my baby and I have nurtured it so much and now, I just can’t keep up with it every day. I didn’t want to write today but I am scared that if I fall into the fuck its, I might not get back into writing. I am hardly journaling anymore.

I went to therapy today and told him that I had trouble getting a cup of decent coffee. Starbucks had their racial bias training today so were closed. The first place I went to for a soy latte was horrible. I paid $8 and I swear bile tasted better than this shit. Then I went to coffee where I spent another $3 for just cream, water, and sugar. If there was coffee in there, I didn’t taste it. Then when the bus went by another coffee shop, I knew I should have went there first! I totally forgot about them. I will try them next week when I have therapy.

Session went okay. I was scattered and was talking about various things. I told him my spending is kind of getting out of control. I am making these impulsive buys, even at Walgreens. He said that I was missing something. Okay. That was the only feedback I got from him. Then it was see you next week. Oh well.

I was hurting by the time I came home. It was hot out so I was sweating. I really didn’t feel well. I wanted to shower but I wanted to rest a bit. My mother was cooking dinner so I had that and then I showered. I took a nap and felt worse afterwards. I had turned the AC on so my foot was frozen. I shut it off but kept the ceiling fan on. I hope the room doesn’t heat up.

I made an appointment with my PCP for tomorrow. I won’t be seeing him but one of his colleagues. He is never available when I need him. I got the bill for the walk in clinic and nearly croaked! It was $250! I am pretty sure they did not charge my insurance. I know the highest co-pay would be at least $50. I need to call them tomorrow before they charge my bank card. Totally ridiculous.

Sunday Blog 27-May-2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 27 May 2018

I’ve been feeling sick most of the day. My stomach is still bothering me. I am going to make a cup of chamomile tea soon to see if that settles it. I would love some chicken soup but the package that I have expired, oh only 10 years ago. Oops. I’ll have to go to the store and get some more. I usually like the Lipton better than canned soup because I can add water to make it less salty. It is my comfort food.

Sox lost big time. I don’t know what is going on with this pitcher that was an ace last year. He got hit with a ball on Opening Day and I think it is affecting him in some way or he is hurt and won’t own up to it. My cousin and I were texting about it throughout the game.

I wanted to throw some stuff out in my room and clear things but I just feel so lousy. I just need the trash and recycles taken out. I need to change my sheets so need to clear my bed off. One corner of my bed is full of stuff. I have no idea how it accumulates. I’ve been bad on keeping it clear. Think I need to take one or two things off per day until it is clear as taking everything off will just overwhelm me and nothing till happen.

The weather is at least 20-25 degrees cooler today. I woke up freezing as I had the AC and fan going most of the night. Then my foot got ice cold and on went the thermals to warm it up. I’ve been trying not to nap as I did yesterday which didn’t do me any favors. I got hungry around midnight and ordered a burger. It was so good. I didn’t end up falling asleep until after 2. My med alarm went off around 7. I went to the bathroom and still had the shits but not as bad. I thought it was done until I woke up around noon. That is when I took the Imodium. I really didn’t want to because it constipates me more than my meds do. I really need to stay on top of it this week or I will have trouble the end of the week again. Sucks having to have these things to worry about constantly. My bronchitis isn’t doing me any favors either. I am still having wheezing and coughing after going upstairs to my room. Probably why I feel so worn out, dealing with these new things on top of my chronic pain.

Tomorrow is a holiday so I don’t have therapy. I was able to see my therapist at another time this week, which is good. I will see him on Tuesday. The weather will be better. I think it will be 70 most of the week.

Colon blow and other Cauda Equina Syndrome “fun” things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Colon blow and other Cauda Equina Syndrome “fun” things

I didn’t write my blog yesterday. I only got a few hours sleep due to pain and worrying that I would sleep through my alarm. I went to my psych appointment and she put me on a new antidepressant that is out. I came home and had a severe flare. My pain was through the roof. I was supposed to go to the ball game but it wasn’t happening. After my mother made dinner, I took about an hour and half nap when my phone’s med alarm went off. I took my night meds and got so sick. I haven’t moved my bowels all week so been feeling ill and I think the new med just made me nauseous. I thought I was going to hurl. I took my Zofran and laid still. I also took some Mylanta because I had gas really bad. When I didn’t feel like puking anymore, I took some fiber to help my bowels move along but a few hours later, nothing happened.

I decided to try some Miralax to help move things. I was hurting so bad and I swear my stool was moving into my small intestine rather than move along to my colon. I was still passing gas but nothing else. I went to Walgreens and bought some and a Gatorade to take it with. Having suffered from Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES), getting constipated is a HUGE thing. There is a varied range of people’s degree of injury to their bowel nerves. Some don’t feel themselves go so become incontinent and being constipate helps to prevent accidents. Some have a designated shit day where they take laxatives and spend the day on the can to relieve themselves. Taking medication for pain can be constipating. I have no feeling for soft or loose stool so can pass them with gas if I am not mindful of it. Never trust a fart is a common saying among those with CES.

I usually have hard stool and can go with senna. Lately, because of my flares and needing more pain meds, it hasn’t been working. Usually fiber helps me move along and I try not to have plans the following day so I can go to the bathroom in the privacy of my own bathroom. I hate using a public restroom when out because I don’t have the mobility to reach my behind like I used to due to my back surgeries. When the fiber and senna do not work, I take Miralax hence why I went to Walgreens today. I have been having a ton of flatulence which I cannot trust. I was able to have a few movements after taking the Miralax but now I am having what is known as colon blow where all you do is go to the bathroom. Since I can’t trust a fart, every time I get the sensation of urges (I can’t tell if it is a stool or gas urge), I run to the bathroom. For the past hour, I just have been shitting little turds, which is annoying me as the stool is messy. My bottom is so irritated and I have to use the incontinence spray that you don’t have to rinse to soothe it.

The most undignified thing is, because I can’t trust a fart and I have a lot of gas, I am now wearing a diaper to prevent my underwear from being soiled. I already had one accident today that required a shower. With the comfort of the diaper, I can let loose and if some stool comes out, I don’t have to freak out and be constantly changing my underwear. I have taken some stomach stuff for gas so I hope it helps. I don’t want to take Imodium because I don’t have loose stool even though I know it would help the gas part.

Another lovely “perk” is nerve pain after moving hard stools. This rectal pain can drive people who have never been suicidal to become suicidal. Nothing is worse than a pain in the ass that no pain meds can touch. Sometimes the pain can last a few minutes or hours or days. It sucks. No doctor knows why, even the colon experts.

The worst part of this day from hell, is I have been going up and down the stairs all day as the bathroom is downstairs from my bedroom. I hope it doesn’t cause another flare. Yesterday’s flare is still giving me nightmares. My ankle has CRPS (complex regional pain syndrome). It doesn’t like movement. I am sure I will flare later tonight, despite taking a nap. Rest doesn’t always help my pain like some pain conditions. I hate the unpredictability that CRPS brings. I wish there was a way to control it but there isn’t. I long for the days when my pain was driven by activities during the day. Now, it doesn’t matter. I can be at home all day and I will hurt. I can go out a few hours to have a cup of coffee and write for a bit only to hurt later in the night. It is awful. I hate it. It has taken away all the things I love. I feel beaten. And then I will have days like today where I am crapping my pants. It’s too much. I just always hope that tomorrow will be a little less painful because that is all I can do.

Murphy’s Law

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Murphy’s law

I had set my med alarm for my pain meds last night so I wouldn’t miss a dose. I woke up around 6, took my meds, and then went back to sleep. I woke up some time after 9 and decided to shower. By the time I was done, it was too late to catch the bus. I thought about taking a cab and I should have, but I didn’t want to spend $15 when it wouldn’t cost me anything for the bus. I waited until it was time to get dressed and leave. I grabbed my insulated cup and left the house.

I waited and waited for the bus. I checked the schedule to see if there were any delays and there wasn’t. I also checked to see if I had the schedule wrong due to a change. Nope. The bus just never showed up. I was fuming. I caught the next bus, which meant I had to catch another bus to the square. While I was waiting, my cup fell out of my bag and broke. I was so damn sad. I loved this cup! I had been using it all year. I saved the straw as it was new. I would recycle the plastic when I got to Starbucks. But because I was getting there until an hour later, I decided to go to Dunks for my favorite sandwich and then go to Starbucks. Fuck the chains. I didn’t care. I ordered my espresso and I thought about buying another cup but I found my trenta cup so hope that doesn’t break.

After I ate and had some caffeine, I was a little less hangry. I was kicking myself for not getting a cab or uber. I went to my barber for my haircut and he did a really good job. I paid him double and told him I would be back in two weeks. He said save your money and I said I can’t. LOL I end up using it for food or something stupid. Best to put it in his hands. He said okay. He asked what I was doing the rest of the day and I said I was thinking of getting my new glasses as they just came in. So when he was finished, I went into town. It was a lot cooler than it was yesterday so it was a good day for the walk. But not a good day for my pain levels or having bronchitis. I was wheezing by the time I walked a little ways to the station. I used the inhaler so I could breathe better. I did okay getting to the optical shop but not so great on the way back to the station. I was out of breath again and my groin was hurting me. I think I am using my hip muscles instead of my legs so it’s pulling. Fun.

By the time I got back to the Square, I had to wait 40 minutes or more for the next bus. Screw that, I called a cab. I didn’t care and my legs didn’t either. I was hurting and forgot to put my pain meds in my shorts. I missed my noon time dose. The cab came and I was grateful. My niece tried to scared me when I got to the door but I was so concentrated on things, I didn’t really notice. I got her though as I went to her house to drop off the mail. HAHA payback.
My mother had a low blood sugar and asked me to make dinner for her. I said okay. I wasn’t hungry yet as I was just trying to recover from being out. I decided when I came home, I was taking a cab to the station tomorrow as I need to see my psychiatrist. I downloaded the app and registered. I then booked a cab for the morning. I made my mother something to eat and then my sister called asking to cook something for my niece. I had leftover pulled pork then made mac and cheese for my niece. I also had some. I was kind of wheezing while I was cooking but I had just used the inhaler.

After I ate, I cleaned up and then went up two flights of stairs to my room. My lungs protested big time. I was so short of breath and wheezing. I was also coughing a lot so took the cough suppressant. I am now so exhausted after I recovered and breathing normally. My ankle flared up within minutes of sitting on my bed. I was thinking of listening to the game, but I am too fricken tired. I am going to take my meds and call it a night. If my brother in law comes to put in my AC and screen, that would be good. Going to be humid all weekend and I know I will be uncomfortable.

I finally had a bowel movement today. I took some fiber last night and again when I got home. I knew I was going to go as I was getting really bad cramps. Only problem was I didn’t poop enough so I am still feeling uncomfortable. My friend told me to drink a lot of water but that has problems of its own. I already changed underwear twice today and don’t want to do it a third time. I have been trying to drink fluids anyways because I have been sweating a lot. I think I am going to wear a diaper tomorrow when I go to the ball game. Sucks but at least I don’t have to worry about wetting my underwear. Nerve injury sucks. That is all for now. Pain has reached a 13 and I need to take my meds before it gets worse.