Category: chronic physical pain

another failed outing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Another failed outing

I woke probably around 330 but was able to get back to sleep for an hour before pain was really hurting me. I took some pain meds and waited for the pain to go down. I had something to eat and then was able to return to slumber. Around 1030 I got up again. I needed to shower. My lower back was still hurting me as the temps never went beyond 60 degrees. The wind just made everything chilly. I forced myself to shower, hoping it would ease my back but it turned into a question of whether to shower or brush my teeth. I showered and then recouped in my room, my back cramping. I really didn’t want to go out but wanted to pick up my meds.

I let my phone and Bluetooth headset charge while I was showering. When they were ready, I hit the bus stop. My back didn’t like it but oh well. It was warmer than I thought it was, despite the cold wind. I had worn a medium weight shirt, which I took off when I got on the bus. I just walked in the door to Starbucks when my ankle flared. I ordered my drink and a bagel. Something went wrong with the cold brew thing so the barista got behind. I stood there waiting in a lot of pain. As soon as I sat down, I took a pain pill. I was hoping it would settle down but I knew sitting in a chair was not going to help me. I waited for about an hour, read one chapter of 1984, and then caught the bus home. Stupid allergies flared while walking home. There were these trees I walked by that soon as I caught the scent of the bloom, my nose was running. I was gagging with post nasal drip by the time I got to my house. I put the barrels in the driveway (it was trash day) and nearly hurled. I didn’t though. I waited for it to pass and then went in the house.

My postcards that I ordered came. I got the mail and then went upstairs to relax. The top of my foot and ankle were telling me off. I got a packet of postcards to write a personal message when my sister texted me saying she was ordering pizza. That was good because my mother was making pork chops and I kind of lost the taste for them. They are not my favorite meat. When I finished with the message, I went and saw my sister to show her the card. She immediately spotted a typo I didn’t catch! The whole 250 cards need to be redone. Do’h!! I need to reorder them correctly. I am hoping to add some words to the back of the card, even though that will cost extra. It will be worth it as I have chicken scratch handwriting.

I got a tweet from some “board certified therapist” trying to school me on a quote that I have pinned on Twitter page. She doesn’t know what she is getting into. I have over 20 years’ experience in suicide and at least 15 in research. She wants to have a discussion so I said bring it. We are working out a time to chat. HAHA. This will be fun.

Think white noise machine can be marketed as a sleeping pill

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Think white noise machine can be marketed as a sleeping pill

Last night pain was pretty bad. I was up till around 3. It was quiet in my room so turned on the white noise machine and as usual, I was out within 20 minutes. I should know by now to turn it off when I am up in the morning but left it on. I decided to order breakfast, pancakes and Florentine eggs benedict. It was some place I never ordered before. It was way too much food. I was stuffed and I didn’t even eat the pancakes. I figured I would have them for lunch.

I went back to my room after eating and the sound of the machine made me so very sleep on top of all the food I ate. I slept most of the afternoon. I had the pancakes but wasn’t that hungry to finish them off as they were huge. I came back to my room and was sedated again. My mother called me around 4 saying dinner was ready but I didn’t answer. I didn’t want soup. I laid down for a little while and then sat up. I was so sleepy. I turned off the machine and my brain started functioning again.

My brother in law called asking me to lend my laptop to my niece so she could do her homework. When I came back to my room, I tried to put the screen in my window. Couldn’t figure out which groove it went in. I went downstairs to see where it went. Found the groove, went back upstairs, moved some more stuff in front of the window so I could get a better angle to put it in, and still no luck. My back was aching me from being in the bent position so I gave up. I asked my brother in law to put it in for me, he has longer arms than I do. I left the window a little open to get some air. I didn’t want to put on the ceiling fan as it gets too cold. I hope the screen frame isn’t too big for the window, though I seriously doubt it as the only thing that needed fixing was the clips that held the frame together. There is probably some trick I am missing. I was really hoping just sliding it in would work but it seems too big. I hope I don’t have to bring it back.

I made a deep dish pizza for supper. The oven takes forever to preheat so by the time it was read it was before the first pitch of the game. Sox are now losing by 2 runs. Hope we don’t give them 1st place. I will be really upset.

early day for nothing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Early day for nothing

I’ve been up since 6. I don’t remember why I woke up. I couldn’t go back to sleep. So I got ready to go out and waited for the bus. My mother wasn’t even up yet. I brought the POS, hoping I would spend a few hours writing. But I was so drained and the espresso wasn’t helping. I was getting aggravated and pain was starting to get unbearable. I brought my pain meds with me but I wanted to go to my bed. I left and then picked up my screen before heading home.

The cousin I was trying to avoid was still there. If I had waited another half hour, I could have missed him. He brought up that I wrote a book and my aunt was shocked that I was published. I gave them a copy of my books. My aunt, like my mother, wanted me to write about something joyful. Then she said I should write about the family and I told her flat out no. I was so stressed I signed the books then went up to my room.

I tried to nap but the pain got worse. I was hungry but didn’t know what to eat. I wanted burgers but didn’t feel like ordering them. I had food so it was just a matter of deciding what to have. My mother made tuna the other day so I had that with crackers. There were hot peppers in it and my stomach didn’t agree with it. My mother was saying that she wanted mac and cheese. I thought she was going to make it her way, which is just elbow macaroni with American cheese melted on it. It’s really good. But she wanted the Kraft mac and cheese I bought. I made it and she complained. Never fails. It is a box, all you do is make the pasta, add the cheese, butter, and a little milk. That is it. It was too salty and I put too much milk. Oi Vey. I told her to just eat it. Next time she can make it.

Despite it being somewhat warm, my room is cold. I didn’t put in the screen because my foot was too cold. It still is. I got it warmed up and I took off the thermal socks. It’s my bad foot so there is nothing I can do. I have it under the heavy fleece blanket and it is still cold. Fucker. I will put the socks back on.

Sox play the Skankees tonight. I am kind of nervous/excited. I want to listen to it. We are one game ahead of the Skanks. These games will be a fight for 1st place in the East division. I really don’t want them to take over when we have had it all this time. But we’ll see. Just hope it doesn’t keep me up all night. I can get either excited or mad and then won’t be able to sleep after the game until I calm down. HAHA. True fan.

Cry Pretty

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Cry Pretty

Carrie Underwood has a new song out called Cry Pretty and I fricken love it. It is spot on for those that struggle with the “mask” or façade of living, either with mental or chronic illness. I have been listening to it nearly non-stop since buying it. The video just came out last night on American Idol. She has such a tremendous voice. Better than the bitch Miranda Lambert. She blows her in the dust with her vocals alone!

My day has sucked. I woke up at 5 because I was cold. The temp dropped and the ceiling fan finally cooled my room a little too much. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I did some retail shopping online and then had something to eat. By then I was tired enough to sleep a few hours before I had to be up.

When my alarm went off, I didn’t want to get up. I stayed in bed for another 15 minutes or so and then took a shower. The shower just exhausted me. I really didn’t want to go to therapy or leave the house. I rested for a little bit and let my Bluetooth headset charge for a while. Then I got ready to leave. I totally forgot about the pumpkin cake to bring to my barbers and therapist. I will have to do that tomorrow. I also forgot to pack my pain meds so that wasn’t at all good.

While I was at Starbucks, my chickenshit PCP emailed me back saying he wanted the pain doc to prescribe me the new med. Rather than wait till the clinic called me, I called them and found out he isn’t here for the next two weeks and his next available isn’t until June. I said I had to see him sooner and what was going to do about my meds. She transferred me to the nurse but they didn’t pick up and they didn’t have a voicemail. I called back but was put on hold. I got pissed and hung up. Then I emailed my PCP again telling him this and what should I do. I didn’t hear back. I emailed my psych and she understood that I am frustrated but I need to wait as it was “the right thing for my PCP to be doing”. Whatever. I seriously doubt my PCP will EVER prescribe these meds to me now that I am being seen by the pain clinic. So I started crying in Starbucks because I was just so frustrated. Then I put on Pearl Jam and that made me feel better to rock out to their music. Pearl Jam always helps when I am frustrated.

I went to therapy and didn’t bawl as much as I thought I would. We talked and he could tell I was tired and frustrated. After therapy, I was starting to feel sick. Withdrawal from missing my pain med dose at noon was kicking around and I chose to wait for the bus. I waited nearly a half hour for the damn bus. I missed the bus at the Square home so had to catch another bus to take me to the other bus home. Then my bladder was telling me it had to be emptied. I swear I was getting hit from all sides. The bus was fricken late. I had to stop in Walgreens for my mother. Of course there was a line. I was not fucking happy. I was tempted to just leave and tell my mother I would pick it up tomorrow but I didn’t want to hear her.

I came home and I am ready to fricken pass out. My ankle is telling me to fuck off. I go up to my room and quickly take some pain meds. Then I change to my PJs and go back downstairs to use the bathroom, except my mother is in there. Fuck. I waited and then went to the bathroom. Too late. I waited too long. My boxers were fricken wet. I put them in the hamper and then went back upstairs to change into clean boxers. I like my black ones and couldn’t find one. I couldn’t find a damn one of the million I have. Like what the fuck?? I grabbed a gray one and then went to my room to lie down. Except I couldn’t because I was in so much fucking pain. My mother was making dinner. She called saying it was ready. I hadn’t had anything since the Danish at Starbucks so I was starving as well as in withdrawal. I felt really weak. I went back downstairs and told my mother if I pass out, I pass out (after telling her why, which she didn’t hear me because she never does so I had to tell her again).

I was more exhausted after I ate. I tried to nap but damn ankle/foot was not having it. I am so done with today. My suicidal planning has been in high gear today. I figure I could go to a hotel and be dead. Probably be better than the outdoors where a kid could find me. Thing that sucks is that I don’t think I can get my pension like I was hoping. That is my only snag. I am so pissed at this.

My mother told me my pedophile cousin is coming over the house tomorrow morning so I will be leaving and be out of the house for most of the day as I don’t want ANY interaction with him at all. Maybe it will give me the push I need to write some. Just hope my pain isn’t horrible that I can’t leave the house. Even if it is, I don’t fricken care. I can’t be in the same house as him. He makes me sick. And the protection he has from my family and others is pathetic.