Category: chronic physical pain

a 3 am blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

a 3 am blog

It’s 0300. I just woke up a few minutes ago. I took some more pain meds to try and calm down my foot. I still have RENT songs in my head. Before I went to bed, I emailed my psychiatrist. I told her I was doing lousy and that I was constipated. I haven’t gone in quite a few days. It is really going hurt when I go. I have been taking fiber pills to make my stools softer, I hope.

I can’t believe the cake I made last week is almost gone. I have one slice left and it will be my breakfast. It came out really good. Now I got to make another cake when I see my psychiatrist because she wants a slice. I don’t mind making it again. I really love this cake.

I don’t understand why I am up at this hour. I took enough pills to kill a horse, not saying I should be dead (I didn’t take that many) but I should at least be sleeping through out the night. I wrote a long journal entry before going to sleep. It was a long time since I last wrote. I had to get my feelings out about my therapist. I didn’t cry this time. I think the more I write about it, the more I am getting comfortable with the idea of her being gone.

I also can’t help thinking of the material that I wrote to her would be great for a book or something. I wrote her some pretty awful things, both in letters (which she’ll probably keep) as well as my journal entries. I shared my journal so she could get a better understanding of me. Not that it helped much in the end. I keep thinking that I will have boxes of stuff but maybe I won’t. I don’t know what she will be giving back to me and what she will be keeping. I wrote to her a lot over the 16 years. She’ll probably keep those letters.

A Painful Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A Painful Sunday

I had a decent sleep, but it didn’t matter. I still woke up in excruciating pain. I took my regular pain meds first. When the pain got worse, it was around 1100. I wasn’t going to go to the store to get my bread, despite the warm weather. I took a strong pain pill and waited. I finally drifted off two hours later.

I haven’t moved my bowels in days. And for once, I don’t care. I don’t care about anything really. I just know that I am hurting and it’s wearing me out. My mother called me around 1645 for dinner. If she didn’t cook, I wouldn’t eat. After dinner, I put some of the food away for her and placed the dishes in the sink. I thanked her for dinner and then went back to my room, where I am now. I just took some more pain pills. I know this is because of the weather. It has to be. I haven’t done a damn thing other than sleep to cause myself pain? That doesn’t sound like a good reason.

I woke up with the blankets off me again. I guess I got hot. It’s in the 50s and the heat is still on. Tomorrow it’s supposed to be in the 20s. There isn’t supposed to be any precipitation in the air. I might go to the store then. I don’t know. I need bread so I can make a damn tuna sandwich. And I want multigrain bread not wheat bread that my mother has. It all depends on how bad my pain is and how much I can ignore it to do what I want to do.

I need to fill my pill box for the week. I’ll do that after I write this blog. I got to call the dentist tomorrow and set up an appointment for my filling. I have no plans this week so there won’t be any conflicts. I won’t set it up before 0900 either. It’s too early for me and I can’t get out of bed.

It’s bothering me that this blog is changing. It used to be that I wrote about my suicidality and feelings of depression. Now it’s mostly about my chronicles with my chronic pain. I miss my suicidal writing. I just don’t feel that suicidal anymore because of that fucking hero asshole that called the cops on me a few months ago. It’s been hard to express myself since then. So I write about my pain. And it makes me sad. I know I write about other stuff like my therapy but writing about my physical pain has been nearly every day for so long now. It really has taken over my life.

My birthday is coming up this week. It will be the first without my father. I wish I still had one of his birthday cards that he wrote his full name out rather than “dad” or “daddy”. For the longest time, he just wrote his full name and then my sister got him to change it. I was so mad. I didn’t hold on to last year’s card because I thought there would be another year. Now I feel sad that I threw it away.

random 788

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 788

I just got finished watching “It’s a Wonderful Life”. It’s one of my favorite Christmas movies because it always gives me hope that things can be better than what they are currently.

I was hoping that I would be asleep by now as I took my strong pain pill and my regular pain pill before the movie and I am still awake. I am also still in pain. It doesn’t seem to want to go away despite all the meds that I have taken today. It’s so frustrating to be in pain all day and not find any measure of relief.

I was talking to a friend today about my therapist. I told her how we were breaking up. She wanted to know why so I basically said she was incompetent. She really is a bozo and the hard part of it all is that I am not sure I can find another therapist that I feel comfortable with. I told my friend that I might have to find a male therapist because female ones haven’t been working out for me. I have only had one male therapist of the 13 that I have had. Unfortunately, I had to fire him because after telling him I was going to OD on some pills with the intent on killing myself, he asked if I was suicidal. No, I just like to OD for fun. What the hell.

Being in pain all the time is such a drag. I had to take some more Ativan because my anxiety keeps shooting up whenever I move my ankle because the pain also shoots up. It’s so hard when I you have PTSD on top of everything and this is why I can’t understand why my therapist can’t help me. She is supposedly trained in trauma. She has diagnosed me as having complex PTSD. I just don’t understand why we can’t focus on that. It drives me berserk. But then she likes to talk and talk more than listen. I need a therapist that can listen to me or at least tolerate the silence when I have nothing to say or I am thinking of something to say without being interrupted. I just feel bad that it’s taken me 16 years to figure this out. Or for her to figure this out because of the one blog I sent her, which she continues to read for some reason. She definitely has issues.

I watched RENT, live on Broadway the other night. The songs are still going through my head. And it’s not just one song, it’s the whole damn side A of the CD I always listen to. Tomorrow I need to listen to it again. It’s the only way to get them out of my head. I would listen to it now but I don’t remember where I placed the CD. I think it’s in the Pearl Jam CD holder that I have that is now buried on my night stand.

My friend gave me RENT the movie for my birthday. I still haven’t watched it yet. I will one of these days. I just need the songs in my head to clear out a bit before watching it again. I hate that this has been happening to me for some time now and it puzzles my doctor. She doesn’t know why it happens. And my antipsychotic meds are not helping it. So I just need to live with another puzzling thing. It is annoying as all hell though.

I was talking to this friend last night about being psychotic as we haven’t talked in while and my psychotic symptoms have gotten worse over the last few years. It kind of made things worse for me and caused me to become paranoid. I swear I am watched by the FBI right now, though I don’t really know why. I haven’t said anything about my alien theory to anyone in months. I don’t want to discuss it now because I am being watched.

Random Saturday Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random Saturday Blog

I had a fairly decent sleep, but I still woke up in pain. It’s getting worse as I am moving around. I haven’t done much except make coffee and have something to eat. But then, I don’t need to do anything for it to flare. That is the unpredictability of pain syndromes. It was snowing when I got up this morning but it seemed to have stopped. If it’s raining like the forecast had said, I can’t tell. I just know I am hurting and all I can do is pop a pill to make it go away.

I wanted to change my sheets today but after I had my coffee, my gas ran out. I feel so unmotivated right now that all I want to do is sleep. I really didn’t want to be taking pain meds around the clock today. I wanted to go out for a burrito but the snow is not making that happen. I will go out tomorrow when it’s warmer. I need to get multigrain bread and more pumpkin. I have one can left but I want to have at least two or three so I can make my cake whenever I want. I also want to try to make pumpkin muffins if I can find a good recipe. My cupcakes don’t come out right.

I really need to clear off my bed. Maybe I will focus on that today. Just do one thing and it will be a sense of accomplishment. My sister wants me to babysit tonight, if she goes out. She plans on going south of Boston. The snow is heavier there than where we are. I hope she decides not to go.

I’ve been thinking on and off about my therapist. I still don’t know what I am going to do. It’s just so damn hard to think about these things. I have no idea where to begin. I might call the intake again at the hospital where my psychiatrist works and see if I can get a therapist there. But not right now. I need some time to get over my current therapist before I start seeing someone new. I really don’t want to go into downtown Boston weekly but if I have to, I guess I will. Least it will get me out of the house. And there is a Starbucks at the corner so I will be able to have my coffee before therapy, if it’s at the same place where the CBT therapist was at. I still want to go there to take pictures of the new Government Center T stop. And go to the Irish restaurant across the street for their yummy Asgard burger and fries.

The thought of having a therapist not be collaborative and go through the process of “interviewing” them instead of them interviewing me is daunting. I went through it once when I had good insurance. I don’t think I can go through it again with the insurance I have now. And with me getting paid just once a month, I am not sure I can pay copays weekly. It’s just stressing me out. And that is the last thing I need right now.