Category: chronic physical pain

random 467

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 467

I am getting hot and cold flashes. Right now I am boiling, probably because my mother turned the heat up as the temp is supposed to drop. I am tempted to turn on the ceiling fan but I might be too cold after a while. I just took the blankets off and that helped.

I am tired and in pain but I am not sleepy. I read a chapter in the Lincoln book and was dismayed to learn that many people were scurrying to write biographies on Lincoln after his death, including his law partner Herndon. He so desperately wanted to write a book that he basically told untrue statements or hearsay. It got me thinking about all that I have read about Lincoln over the years and wonder if any of it is true. A lot of it says the same things so I am thinking some it must be true. But I wasn’t around during the time of Lincoln so who’s to say that anything is right or wrong.

My psychiatrist emailed me tonight, asking how I was doing. I told her how I was and how therapy was just becoming a chore rather than being helpful. I am resenting being in therapy with this idiot. And the sad part is, I don’t think things are going to change. I find it hard to believe that after all her years of training that she can’t help me anymore. It just kills me to know that after 15 years of working together it is coming to a close. I have never been in a long term therapeutic relationship before. It’s easy with my psychiatrist because she just doles out my medication and asks about side effects, as well as how I am doing briefly and then schedules me for another appointment. With therapy, it’s different. And it’s bugging me that I can’t do anything about it because it’s not me that needs changing this time.

I think tomorrow, I am going to play the question game with her. It’s a game I used to play with her when I was bored in therapy. She gets to ask any question and I have to answer it truthfully. There will be one drawback to playing tomorrow, and that is she can’t ask stupid questions that have to do with my suicidality, like “the one thing that will not make me suicidal anymore”. It’s a question that is on the SSF (Suicide Status Form). It has to be a genuine question and not something from a questionnaire. Maybe then we can move on to something important and I won’t feel stuck.

My pain is manageable tonight, for once. I just needed one dose, so far, of pain meds and it seems to be working. I hope my level of pain stays where it is or at least gets lower rather than higher. That would be nice. It’s weird how some days I can tolerate my pain and other days, I want nothing to do with it. I guess it all depends on my patience or maybe my depression levels. It might also have to do with hopelessness, but I am not sure about that. Usually, the pain has to be above my tolerance level for me to become hopeless. My PTSD symptoms are down as well. I am not anxious, thinking something disastrous is happening to my body because of my pain levels. Now if only I can get to sleep, I will be all set.

I have been listening to Taylor Swift for most of the day. I had to shut it off because I couldn’t read after I took the pain meds. It was hard to concentrate and listen to music at the same time. Usually, I can do both but sometimes, when I take pain meds, it interrupts one or the other. I really want to finish this book this week so I can read something else. What that something is, I haven’t figured out yet. It might be a John Grisham book. Like Neil Gaiman’s books, I am collecting his books in my “to read” pile but have not read them. I realized tonight, that I am a book hoarder. I just have to have a book, whether I read it or not. I don’t know why this is. And now because I have a Kindle, I am collecting more books on the thing that I have not read yet. It’s sad. I have to read at least one Neil Gaiman book this month or at least by the end of January because he is coming out with a new book in Feb that I must have. I am hoping to get a signed copy of the book, which means going to a bookstore that I love. I hope to get another book I have been eyeing for a while called “American Philosophy”. It’s a novel that is out of my realm so I think it will be good to read, that is if I ever get the chance to. I need to devote more time to reading than I do but it is so damn hard with being on pain meds and the depression that sucks all the motivation and concentration out of you. I have 5 chapters left in the Lincoln book and I am determined to finish it this week. I hope to anyways. I must.

6th of Dec

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I went to my “happy” place today and got my espresso with soy milk. I then wrote in my journal for a bit. When the last remaining drops of espresso were drunk, I headed over to Chipotle for dinner. I wasn’t hungry so I got it to go. I thought I had timed the bus right but I didn’t and had to wait twenty minutes. It was cold and windy so I stayed inside the bus depot/shelter. On the way home, I called my mother telling her I had dinner and to eat without me.

I had stinking therapy today and my therapist is the biggest idiot there is. She thought I was going to overdose on my pain medication because they were CNS depressants. I know she isn’t an MD so I can’t completely fault her. Most of the medications I am on are CNS depressants, which is what I was referring to. Even when I clarified, she still thought I was going to take my pain meds. Sorry, as much as I would love to kill myself that way, I love my liver a little too much. The Tylenol in my pain meds would surely wreck my liver before killing me and that is not how I want to go. If I did, I would be buying the 500 count of Tylenol and hope for the best. Idiot.

She then couldn’t find a therapist in my town for me but did find a few in the town over. No shit. If there was a good therapist in my town, I would have found that person by now. She still has this idea of meeting with someone face to face will solve my problems. Don’t get me started on that because this blog would turn into a fucking book on the ridiculousness of that notion.

I have decided that if I get admitted and discharged before my birthday, I am not going to let my therapist know about it. I plan on resuming conversations with her in the new year. Seeing as the hospital is all electronic, I don’t see how they can notify my therapist as she doesn’t have email nor does electronic anything. If they call her, then I am screwed, but I don’t think they will.

Damn, my legs are thawing out. I didn’t think it was that cold out and I had decent jeans on. I picked up the last of my prescriptions so I should be set until January, which I am not looking forward to because I will have to pay copays. My insurance premium is also going up by twenty bucks. Fucking sucks. I got to email my psychiatrist in a little bit to check in with her. I haven’t heard from her all day so I am guessing there isn’t a bed available yet.

I took a shower this morning and aside from going out, that has been all that I have done. I am exhausted like I have worked all day. But I did have an early morning awakening so that doesn’t help. I can’t remember the last time I slept till 0600 at least or past that hour. Seems the only time I am able to do so is if I go to bed at 0300 or later. Pain sucks. I was talking with one of the pharm techs today and she said she wanted to wrap me in bubble wrap. I wish that would help, but it wouldn’t. If it did, I wouldn’t need two pain medications, well actually three if you count the Neurontin. Least the 2 pm pain cycle has stopped, for now. That was a terror I don’t want to relive.

I made friends with my first love again. I am a sucker for her, I really am. I can’t help it. I care very deeply about her and we had been friends before we became lovers so it’s kind of hard to stop being friends. Every time we pick up, it’s like no matter how much time has passed, we pick up where we left off. She has her mental illness issues and medical issues that are worse than mine. I feel bad that I can’t do anything about it just like she can’t do anything about mine. But we are there for each other and that is all that counts.

Up Early again 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Up Early again

I woke up at 0330 to go to the bathroom and then couldn’t go back to sleep. I had some messages on my various apps so I checked them. One of the blogs I read had another blog from a different author so I decided to read that but it was so boring that I had to stop reading it half way through.

I woke up somewhat congested so I took my nasal spray to clear up my nasal passageways. It has been a few days since I last used it. I am supposed to use it every day but I forget sometimes. My ankle started flaring up soon as I got back to my room so I took some pain meds for it. Now I am just waiting for it to make me sleepy.

I feel really depressed. I know it’s because I keep dealing with physical pain more than anything. I just can’t get away from it and it’s really bringing me down. When I met with my PCP last week, I had to have him tell me I wasn’t an addict because the voices were harping on me again about that. He told me I wasn’t and I felt reassured. He understands that I am a person in chronic pain and need medication to relieve that pain. He really is a nice doctor. He is younger than I thought he would be, not that it matters. Sometimes they get these new doctors and you think they are older because they are new. But he was young. I hope he sticks it out with the practice.

Being up this early is going to ruin my whole day now. I am going to be sleepy. I wanted to go to the Square so I could get a burrito at Chipotle. I would have gone yesterday but I was too sleepy. I don’t know if I will be going to the hospital today. I got to wait for my psychiatrist to get back to me. I need to take a shower today because I haven’t taken one since Friday morning. I always tend to lose track of when I shower because it isn’t one of my top priorities.

I’m glad I checked my bag for T-shirts because I had only one packed. That wouldn’t do. I put in three more. That should be plenty for me. I also need to pack my coloring book and crayons. I think it would be nice to have them with me. I have decided that when I get discharged, I am not letting my therapist know. I will talk with her in the new year. I don’t care. I need a break from her antics.

I think I need to take an Ativan. My ankle is really hurting and it’s bringing my anxiety up. I hate when that happens. I haven’t decided how I am going to tell my mother I am going to the hospital. She always freaks out when I have to go in. And I always get the “whys”, like I don’t need to be in. She is not very understanding of my mental illness. I just hope when I get to the unit they don’t take away my shoelaces. Some units do that and it really bothers me when you have to re-lace your sneakers.

I hope that because I am in the hospital where my psychiatrist is, she can visit me. I would really like that. I just realized that because I will be in the hospital, I won’t be having any caffeine. That is really sad. I hope I don’t get a headache because of it. Those kinds of headaches suck.

random 154

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Random 154

I went to bed at a decent hour because the meds knocked me out. Then I woke up at 0100 and went to sleep two hours later. I had enough and sent my psychiatrist an email. I asked her how I was to get to the unit she wants me on. She is trying to get me a bed for tomorrow or Wednesday. I haven’t done much today except sleep. I planned on making myself something to eat around noon but that didn’t happen. I ended up falling asleep and not waking up until my mother called asking me what I wanted for dinner. She made fish and chips. Then I had a couple of muffins and toast. Now I am full.

I haven’t texted my therapist all day. The last text I sent her was last evening saying I was “high”. I have no idea why I texted her that. I was loopy as anything from the strong pain meds. It was like I was drunk but I hadn’t been drinking. I hate that feeling.

It snowed today. I must have missed the weather report on Twitter. I had no idea there was snow in the forecast. Seems this week is going to be shitty. I just hope that I can get to where I need to go without delays. I need to take a shower and cut my fingernails. Hate doing both, but it needs to happen. I also got to check my bag to see if I have T-Shirts. I don’t remember if I packed them or not. All these little details that go into an admission. I hate it. There is no guarantee that I will have my phone. I have no idea what kind of unit they have as I have never been on it. First time for everything, I guess.

Other than the blog world, I haven’t told anyone but one friend that I am going in the hospital. I am glad that I am going to one in Boston rather than the other hospital I went to in May. It’s just more convenient transit wise. My doc said that I might have to go through the ER to get a bed. I don’t know what they will do for me, but at least I won’t have my medication, all of them, at my disposal 24/7.

Man, I started this blog a half hour ago and took my pain meds. Now I am feeling the effects of it. I’m ready to go back to sleep. Least I am not in as much pain as I was. I think the strong pain pill broke the cycle of severe pain that I was in. I am glad because it was driving me crazy. I don’t take the pill every day or even every other day. Just when I can’t stand the pain anymore or the regular pain pill isn’t working. If I had known the meds were going to work this quickly, I would have waited a little longer.

I’m hoping my psych gets back to me before my therapy appointment and tells me to go to the hospital so I don’t have therapy. I really don’t want to talk to my therapist. Least being in the hospital will give me a much needed break from her. I know she will be happy not to have sessions with me. I am sure my suicidality has given her nightmares.