Category: chronic physical pain

ASAD: Acute Suicidal Affective Disturbance

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

ASAD: Acute Suicidal Affective Disturbance

http://www.mdedge.com/clinicalpsychiatrynews/article/100017/depression/aas-acute-suicidal-affective-disturbance-proposed

I read the above article with interest. One of my Twitter buddies shared it with me and wanted my opinion on it. I think that it is right on queue and I hope that Dr. Joiner eventually sees this as a diagnosis. But I worry that if the stigma of suicide is not dealt with, it might just be an admitting diagnosis and thus cause more harm than good.

According to the criteria lined out, I meet this diagnosis, though at this time, I am unable to rule out whether a medical condition or conditions exclude the diagnosis. There have been many a times that while I am in excruciating pain, this condition is activated and I am acutely suicidal. The only thing that has saved me from actually making an attempt on my life is that I physically cannot walk and have refused to kill myself in my own home. Then in the morning (most of these attacks have occurred in the midnight hours), I no longer feel so suicidal.

It used to be that what I would call a “switch” would be activated and I would be suicidal until I fell asleep. Now I know that it’s this disturbance that occurs and it makes sense to me. But in every suicidal occurrence that has happened over the past two years, it has been because of physical pain or some kind of dissociative state brought on by physical pain. Very rarely has it occurred solely with psychache or psychological pain. Granted not every episode is psychache free and physical pain free. I will have what Shneidman calls the three Ps, Psychache, Perturbation, and Press as well as physical pain that causes me to be severely suicidal. These nights, I swear to myself I will end my life the next day when I can walk again. Fortunately, I don’t feel as suicidal the next day because I had a few hours or more of respite from these kinds of pain and perturbation. That isn’t to say that I won’t be activated the next night or come up with a suicidal plan to end my life the following day. These plans are usually a few weeks away to give me time to think things over and essentially put off today what can be done tomorrow. These plans have also given me time to work through my feelings and usually by the time that date comes, I no longer feel suicidal enough to go ahead with the plan.

Suicidality is a tricky business and not everyone’s suicidality is the same. What triggers my suicidality might not trigger someone else’s. There are mitigating factors that might be similar in nature like the criteria states but I would love to see the data in the context of ruling this a diagnosis. Just because I find this disturbance fits my suicidality, doesn’t mean that it will someone else’s and that is the difficulty with the nomenclature I think Joiner talks about in his article.

Back Pain, editing and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Back Pain editing and other things

I think I had a good night sleeping because I woke up around 0900. I had to go to the bathroom but my mother was using it to get washed and dressed. I waited till she was done so I could brush my teeth. I had back pain throughout but I managed. I really wanted to go out today but walking around the house while waiting to use the bathroom helped ease out the kinks.

After the bathroom, I decided to say fuck the back pain and go out. I really wanted to try and get a huge chunk of editing done and, of course, get my espresso. I waited for time to pass as I was early for the bus. I was debating going to the pharmacy to drop off my prescription but I wasted too much time and had enough time to get dressed and to get to the bus stop in time. I took a pain pill for the back pain and left.

Starbucks had this promotion where if you bought three items, you collected 150 points. Today I bought the third item with my espresso drink. Then I got to work on my book. The first few stories were fine and didn’t need too much editing. The fourth story was a mess, formatically. Apparently, word decided that every paragraph needed its own page. I was in a panic because I had no idea how to fix this. And there was not much I could do about it then because I wasn’t at home. I moved on to the next story and sort of noticed the same pattern. I was freaking out. It was too late to catch the bus at 1230 so I had to wait an hour for the next one. I decided to get something to eat and then write in my journal. Starbucks had their turkey stuffing sandwich, which I love, so I had that for breakfast/lunch.

Fixing this format error was killing me. I was hoping that saving the document as a txt and then loading it in a new doc would fix the problem. It worked. I then started playing with the next story to see if I can manipulate it to be not so spread out but it wouldn’t work. I would have to do the same thing and by that time, I was so stressed out, I said forget it and will save it for another day. I am not sure I can fix it because it’s a new paragraph and there is just an inch of space on the preceding page so it might not be that big of a deal, even though it bothers me. I don’t know if the rest of the book is like this or not. I hope not because it will totally fucking suck to save this as a txt and then transform it to a document, play with the fonts and add paragraphs (txt takes them away) and then paste it in the main file. I have over 70 pages to do this with and it will be such a pain in the ass to do.

Before I came home to this editing bullshit, I went and dropped my prescription at the pharmacy. To my surprise, they didn’t go ballistic on the prescription and it’s ready to be picked up! Score! I might pick it up in a little while as I am totally out of it. I might just put on my jogging pants rather than jeans because I really don’t want to change but I can’t go in my PJs. I also emptied my recycling bins today so I call it a win.

trouble with being awake all night

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Trouble with being awake all night

Because I was awake most of the night, I slept all day. I really wanted to get up around 1400 but I just couldn’t bare to get out of bed. So I took another nap until my mother called me about an hour later. I was too lazy to turn over to reach for the phone so I let it go to voicemail. I had to get up anyways to pee so it wasn’t like a big deal. Except it was to my mother. She was pissed I didn’t answer the phone. What the fuck ever. I couldn’t deal with her. I made a bagel and then went back up to my room. It was the only thing I ate all day, to that point.

My brother in law called me about two hours later asking if I wanted pumpkin pie. I was in the middle of the BPD chat so when that ended, I went downstairs. I had two pieces and it hit the spot just lovely. I should have brought one of my recycle bins down but I didn’t think of it. I will tomorrow. I am not in the mood to do anything today.

It was cold and rainy most of the day so I am glad I didn’t go out. I have to tomorrow. I want to work on my book and go to Starbucks. Tomorrow is the last day I can collect 150 points by ordering a frappucino. I ordered the other two items. I don’t really like frapps but I will have it to collect points. I really hate their new point system to get free drinks. It’s really stupid. Before, you just needed like 12 drinks to collect one free one. Now you need points per item or dollar spent. I don’t even know how it works. I just know you need like 203 points to get a free reward. Stupid.

I’m in a lot of pain tonight. Nerve pain and physical pain. Oh joy. Makes me wish I was fucking dead. I took my night meds earlier than usual because I have been so sleepy. But pain is keeping me up. I took some pain meds a couple of hours ago but I didn’t note the time. I think it was around 1600 or so. I can’t take another dose for another two hours. I’ll just take some Neurontin for the nerve pain and hope for the best. I really hope I get to sleep soon. I am just really exhausted from dealing with pain all the time.

It’s 0500 and I can’t sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s 0500 and I can’t sleep

I woke up about a half hour ago because I had to tinkle. Then I checked my messages on my phone. I have been following in which the writer wrote, intensely, about her therapy experiences. I haven’t heard from her in a while so just figured she go busy in the “real world”. Turns out, she has decided she isn’t going to blog anymore so she has a more “real” connection to her therapist and her friends. That is fine, if it works for her but I will miss reading about her therapy struggles and experiences.

It got me thinking about my blog. I have written consistently every day for the past year. Some times I write two blogs a day, sometimes more, depending on my mood and my pain levels. I need this blog because it helps for me to write. Sure I can journal my experiences but I know there are people who suffer from my condition and I know it helps them feel less alone by reading my blog.

I know that if I was working, I probably wouldn’t be blogging so much. I probably wouldn’t have time for it as I would be so exhausted I wouldn’t be able to write. But I feel connected to the blog world because I write every day. I might not get comments from different people but when I do, I enjoy them. It makes me feel like I have a purpose with my writing, that I do connect with people. I check my stats and know that people from around the world read my blog nearly every day. I like that.

It’s raining out. I hope it stops later because I really want to get to the pharmacy to pick up my medication. I won’t have enough for the week to put it in my weekly pill box. It’s one of the things that I need to do today is fill that box up. I have gotten quicker at filling it so it’s not a hassle anymore. I think when I am tired it’s more of a hassle. But it’s got to be done because I need to take my meds for the week.

After I came back to my room from the bathroom, my foot started acting up. Now it’s really acting up. I hate when it gradually works it way up to a crescendo in such a short period of time. It drives me crazy because it take a while for the pain meds to work and in the mean time, I am in agony. I hope the pain meds get me back to sleep.

I was wrong about the Nebraska and Ohio State game being a nail biter. It was more of a blow out. OSU won 62-3. The Nebraska quarterback got hurt. His head hit the grass like a basketball and was knocked out briefly. I doubt he is going to play next week. I bet he has a concussion. I feel bad for him because he was a good quarterback. And it was obvious by the score his backup didn’t play so good.

I don’t know if the Pats are playing today. I have to check the schedule. I should download it on to my phone but there are only 6 games left in the season so I am not sure it’s worth it. I haven’t really watched any games all season from beginning to end, just catching a quarter here or there. Football doesn’t interest me as much as baseball does. I only watch it because it’s a sport that I like watching after baseball season. Only thing that sucks about football is that it’s played once a week. The media builds the hype around the games and then it either lives up to it or not. Drives me crazy.

Think I am going to try and go back to sleep. Thanks for keeping me company.