Category: chronic physical pain

random 866

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I have been having random thoughts. I am in pain again and it’s putting me in the frame of mind that I shouldn’t be here anymore. I seriously would love to end my life right now but things aren’t quite right. The temperature is dropping and as I plan on killing myself in an open outdoor space, it’s very likely I could get rescued before the meds do their deed. I wish I could go to a hotel and end my life there but I don’t have a credit card anymore. I swore them off because I hated the APR % rates.

My ankle is throbbing like there is no tomorrow. I haven’t done a thing all day and I have been mostly on my bed most of the day. I might take a strong pain pill. I just took a couple of ativans because I want to sleep. Baseball game is going on right now and my team is winning, so far. I hope they win the series and beat Joe Maddon.

My therapist talked about me going in the hospital today. I wasn’t for it because I won’t be able to get my pain medications when I need it and I certainly won’t have access to my strong pain medication. I will be screwed should I have a flare up. There is nothing worse than being in severe pain on a psych ward and not having access to pain medication.

I have given in and taken a strong pain pill. I also have taken some Neurontin. It’s taking all I have in me not to take the whole bottle of that drug. But I have groceries that are coming so I can’t be a zombie. I wish I could just fall asleep but my foot is pounding.

annoying therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Annoying therapy session

I woke up a few times during the night. It wasn’t due to pain, just restlessness I guess. I finally gave up around 0830. My check had come in by then so I paid some bills and ordered my groceries. I then set my alarm for therapy and went back to sleep.

I wish I slept through therapy. It’s was like my appointment with my psychiatrist, all talk about damn pain medication and how I should take it and so forth. It was pissing me off. Then she just started rambling about my blog that sent her. I swear, I just wanted to go back to sleep. It would have been much more peaceful. She wanted to discuss me feeling tiny and insignificant but she had her own ideas about it so I just let her rattle on. She was in a talkative mood today.

I told her I wouldn’t come out to see her tomorrow. My back is still giving me grief and I know I am not going to be able to make it up the hill. I will see her next week. She said that was fine. I tried telling her to just cancel tomorrow’s appointment but she wouldn’t listen. I told her I still had a date for this week. Course, now with my back acting up, I don’t see how I am going to execute it. I just can’t walk to where I am going and the weather is colder than I had planned. I feel defeated and I haven’t even tried. I am such a loser.

Post 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Post 2018

I somehow managed to change my sheets and take out my back at the same time. And then managed a shower. I am completely worn out. My comforter is damp so I have to put it back in the dryer. I hate when I let my mother do the washing and drying. She never puts the comforter in long enough. Drives me crazy.

I have been texting my therapist most of the afternoon. I don’t think I will be able to see her tomorrow like I had planned. There is no way I can go up the hill to the car with my back being sore. I need a day to rest it. So I will plan on going out on Wednesday.

I have been playing with my grocery order. My mother needs milk and juice but she doesn’t like the juice I buy. So I had to get another brand. I wasn’t going to get coffee cake but changed my mind because I won’t have cake until the weekend and that is too far away. I will take some to Starbucks with me to have while drinking my espresso. No matter how I tried to get it below $200, I just couldn’t manage it. I am buying stuff that I need and those items are expensive, like steak and fish. I also got my favorite pizza so I don’t have to order out. It’s like $4 compared to the pizza place’s $11.

I am feeling depressed over my back being out. It’s hard for me to stand for long periods of time and changing my sheets just killed me. It’s not like I could sit down and put the sheets on. Didn’t help that the fitted sheet gave me so much trouble. I must have struggled with it at least four times as I kept on getting the wrong corner and then that corner would pop off while putting on another corner. So frustrating. Last time I changed my sheets, it took me no time at all to put on the fitted sheet. Now the trick is to keep my bed clear so that when I have to change my sheets again, it won’t be such a project. I think I am just going to keep my laptop and journal on my bed. And of course, my tissues. Those are the essentials.

I got a gift from a dear friend of mine today that cheered me up some. She sent me a mechanical Brutus doll. Brutus is the mascot for the Ohio State Buckeyes, my favorite college football team. It was so nice of her to send him to me. I have him in my office on my desk.

I think tonight is going to be an early night for me. I am in pain and I just want to lie down. But I can’t go to sleep until my comforter is dry. I hope it will be ready in the next hour or so. I plan to take my meds then and hopefully be asleep by 2200. I just hope I don’t wake up at 0630 again. That sucks.

Early start to a Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Early start to a Monday

I have been having a difficult night sleeping. I got a stuffy nose so I couldn’t breathe right for most of the night. I kept waking up having to sniff. I knew if I got up to blow my nose, that would be it and I would be up. I finally gave up around 0630 and blew my nose. I was pretty congested so I took my nasal medicine. I hope I am not getting a cold. I hate colds more than I do other illnesses. I haven’t been in contact with anyone with a cold so I hope it’s just allergies. Course the weather has been a pain in the neck the past few days. One day it’s 70 degrees the next it’s in the 50’s or below. All this week it’s supposed to be in the 40’s. Fun.

My ankle and foot are hurting me and I said fuck it, I took two pain pills. Then I got stabbing pains in my foot that are killing me so I made the right choice. Now I just need to wait for them to kick in. I should be sleeping most of the day. I just hope my nose cooperates.

I checked my bank account and my check didn’t come in. I had a feeling it wasn’t going to. I don’t know if it is my bank that is the issue or the LTD people. I should get it tomorrow morning. What a bummer. I really was hoping to get some things today that I need, like my groceries and my car reservations. Now I got to wait. I hate being dependent on someone else’s time.

If I am up to it, I might go to the Square today and take the bus to city hall to vote. It all depends on my mood. I should make coffee but I don’t want to be up until later this afternoon. If I drink coffee at home, I usually don’t go out to get coffee because that will be too much caffeine for me. I will be bouncing off the walls and jittery and I don’t like that feeling.

I am so looking forward to making my Nantucket Cranberry Cake this week. I finally will be using the food processor I bought. I hope using it is easy. I have never used one before. I know the cake is going to be yummy. Then for the party I am going to, I will be making my pumpkin cake. I love cake, in case you haven’t figured that out yet, LOL. I have gained about 5 pounds since baking all this stuff, but I think the Neurontin that I have been taking the last week and a half has been helping to keep it on and then some.

Well, my meds are kicking in faster than I thought they would. I am feeling really drowsy. I hope I sleep. Until later my friends.