Category: chronic physical pain

telling it like it is

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Telling it like it is

I had therapy today and she told me how it is and I couldn’t argue with her. She said that I have severe depression with hallucinations that are sometimes commanding. I needed to be on medication, which I am not fully invested in right now because side effects have made me apprehensive. I told her she was right, that I do have severe depression that I don’t want to take care of. I am still thinking I have the mild version of depression in my head. The facts don’t support that. Throw in being suicidal and you are at a severe case as you can be. I guess because I don’t feel the heaviness of the depression all the time I feel like it has lessened.

All day my back has been spazzing. I don’t know why but it hurts and makes moving hurt even more. I somehow managed to change my sheets. I wanted to do it before my surgery. I am glad I did that. Tomorrow I will pack my bag for surgery. I am just taking a little bag with me with the essentials. I am taking some catheters with me because I don’t know how my bladder is going to be after surgery and I would rather cath myself than have a nurse do it. I am so nervous about this surgery. I need to have it done or there isn’t going to be a day where I am not needing to lie down after an activity. I already am exhausted just changing my sheets. Tomorrow I will be exhausted because I go get my Covid testing and getting my haircut. I think I am going to Uber going to and from. Depending what time I get off from testing, I will head to the Square or home. All depends on the time.

I ordered my groceries and because they merged with Stop and Shop, I wasn’t able to get all that I ordered. I am disappointed in this. I hate that I can’t get stuff that I normally used to get. Now I will have to make another trip to the store though it will have to be after my surgery. I hope that I have energy after my surgery. I know the first few days will be rough but after that I hope that I will be ok.

I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s new album. I really love it. I learn new things while listening to it. I love her voice so much. I would die if I ever met her. I have seen her in concert more than once. She puts on a good show.

anxious about surgery

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Anxious about surgery

I am feeling anxious about my upcoming surgery in six days. I can’t believe time has moved so fast. This time next week I will be in the hospital recovering. I hope there isn’t any problems. I have a good surgeon so I don’t expect there to be but you never know. The surgery is for repair of spinal leaks in my back that are causing headaches and fatigue. I got the leak from my original surgery back in March. We have been going back and forth and finally after 3 months of my not improving decided to have surgery to fix it. I went to the grocery store and pharmacy today and I am completely wiped out. I had to get more Gatorade. I had to go to the pharmacy because I burned myself while making dinner. I think it is a second degree burn. But anxiety is keeping me up because I am thinking of surgery. Plus the next door neighbors are having a party so I really can’t relax. I am so uptight.

I walked without my AFO today. Bad idea. I am hurting really bad right now with my ankle. I wore new sneakers today that were comfy. They were much more supportive than my older sneakers. I know walking without the AFO is a chance for a flare up. Nothing I can do about it once it flares up. Just take my pain meds and hope for the best.

I have a full week of appointments next week. Monday I have therapy. Tuesday is Covid testing. I am going to try and get a haircut that day. Wednesday is psychopharm and I hope to have my groceries delivered. Thursday is surgery. I probably won’t be posting much after surgery until I am clear headed or am home from the hospital.

old D35

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Old D35

I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s new album and there is a song on it called “Old D35”. I like it. It is cool. I love her voice. It is so soothing. Her new album is really cool and different than her previous album. I really like it because it has an upbeat tempo even if the song is sad. There is a song called “It’s ok to be sad” that I absolutely love. The lyrics are so profound yet totally relate worthy. It is like she is giving you permission to feel whatever. It truly is a marvelous song. I wish she would be on the radio more but it is so hard for artists to be on the radio these days, especially female artists.

I was talking to my cousin today. She called me to talk about my upcoming surgery and things. We have a family zoom meeting tomorrow night that I hope to attend. It will be good to see my cousins again. I just hope no one brings up my surgery because I really don’t want to talk about it with a particular cousin that is nuts. She is just so wild I can’t handle her intrusiveness.

My other cousin was to take me grocery shopping today but he had other plans so canceled on me. He said he would take me tomorrow so we’ll see. I just need to pick up somethings as I am out of Gatorade. I want to get some steak and some other things before I place my monthly order. I just hope I can get the flaxseed cereal I like. It will be cheaper in the store than through the app. The new app doesn’t have the things that I like or that the old app had. It makes ordering more difficult as my only large order is getting Powerade/Gatorade. I have to make a list of things that I need to get or I will forget.

Last night I had heartburn pretty bad. I think it is because of sertraline so I didn’t take my dose today. I still got heartburn but it wasn’t as bad as last night. I will skip tomorrow’s dose and see if that quiets things down. I took a shower today and shaved all the parts that needed it. My back didn’t like it. (I didn’t shave my back.) it just flared up with cramps and spasms. I had to sit down quite a few times while in the shower. I swear it was the longest shower because I kept having to sit down to ease the spasms. The hot water didn’t help. My foot flared up and it is still flared up. I feel like my bones are being crushed. I hope the breakthrough med helps. I don’t have anything stronger to take. I hope I will be able to sleep tonight before midnight. Last night I had such trouble sleeping. I didn’t go to sleep until around or after 0230. I was scared I was going to be up all night again. I shouldn’t have trouble tonight because I am tired and sleepy. But I am also feeling anxious because I am thinking of my surgery so I might not fall asleep as quickly as I think I will.

The lab called to schedule my Covid testing. I will be going into Boston to a place I am not familiar with. I think I will take an Uber. Then if I am familiar with the surroundings and feel ok to walk to the train station, I will take public transportation home. I just hope it doesn’t rain that day. I have to be tested to make sure I don’t have the virus for surgery. I am nervous about the testing. I hope it isn’t painful.

tired of being exhausted

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Tired of being exhausted

For the third day in a row I woke up feeling like a deadweight. I feel so tired. I had coffee and that woke me up a little bit but I wanted to take a nap after I finished it. I didn’t. I made myself a cheeseburger instead. The burger was good. I still feel wicked tired and want to nap but I have been having trouble sleeping so I don’t want to mess up my schedule. I had a total insomnia day where I was up for 23 hours before I fell asleep for two hours and then I didn’t sleep the rest of the day. I woke up a couple of times during the night. I had to pee. Today is also the third day that I have had the runs. I have no idea why I have the runs. I haven’t changed my diet or anything. Just so weird. Maybe that is why I am so tired. I am dehydrated. It is still cool out. The hot summer hasn’t come back yet. I hope it doesn’t.

I still haven’t showered. I just don’t feel like it. I just want to sleep. I wanted to take down my recycles today because tomorrow they go out but I haven’t. Been three weeks that I have kept the bag full of stuff for recycle. I still have boxes that I need to breakdown for recycle, too. I started to do it yesterday but this fatigue I have been feeling has been awful. I do one thing and I get so tired. I know part of it is because of the spinal leak. I have surgery in eight days. I am so nervous. I had the pre screening call yesterday. It went okay. She said she will send me a message of the meds I am not to take the day of surgery and the night before. I haven’t received it yet.

I hyperextended my elbow last night and man does it hurt today. I can’t straighten my arm out without pain. I hate when I do that but it happens while I sleep so there is not much I can do about it. My ankle bone has been acting up the past hour or so. I hate when it flares up because it takes so much to quiet it down. But that is true for most of the CRPS pain. Once it flares it takes so much to quiet down and I hate it because it makes me feel so hopeless. My ankle seems to flare with the ankle bone and it is just torture. I just took my breakthrough med for it. I figure if I try to get ahead of the pain now, I might have a chance of sleeping before midnight.