Category: mood disorders

baseball torture

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Baseball torture

My favorite game in the world started almost a month ago. The start times have been finicky and now that we are playing west coast teams, the games start later. I am sure there are probably other baseball games I could watch to pass the time but I don’t subscribe to a sports bundle or MLB TV. MLB TV is just way too much money and the sucky thing is, as the season goes on, it gets cheaper. So you might pay $100 the beginning of the season and then $20 the end of the season. I don’t know if the post season is included. Probably not because it is on national tv, usually. I really want to watch the Sox all the time. I hate having to count down the hours till the games start.

I went to the grocery store today. My mother woke me up around 0830 to put her socks on. The phone was ringing but I was sleeping so had no idea why my phone was making noise. Then my mother came into my room and I figured it out. I tried to go back to sleep but it was useless so I went to the store to get a few items that I knew it would have that I am not able to get through the grocery app. I tried looking for crumpets but they didn’t have them. I am glad I can order them. I bought Irish butter to put on them. My sister got me into it. It is expensive for a little tub but so worth it. I just had some with oatmeal bread that I bought. It was pretty filling than the other bread I bought. Now I am kind of torn because the other kind has thinner slices.

My allergic reaction seems to have cleared up finally. My throat is back to normal and I don’t feel sick. I do have the damn ankle pain. My back didn’t like the morning’s adventures to the store. The weather is about 20 degrees warmer than it has been and that always wreaks havoc on my back. My spine is aching so bad. Ibuprofen seemed to help. I have been taking more of it lately. The temp is only going up and then I don’t know what it is going to do. I just know either way, I am going to hurt.

I have been trying not to think of ending my life soon. Yet I cannot fathom continuing this existence with this pain. I feel like I wasted this month because I didn’t do what I wanted to do. I still have a week to find out the information I need to find out. I have no appointments next week. Sometimes that is a good and bad thing. It’s good because I don’t have to leave the house and yet bad because I don’t have to leave the house. The weather is supposed to be nice so I may go to Starbucks Monday and maybe try to write something other than in my journal. I never made my checklist of things I need to do before I die. I guess the more I put if off, the less real it becomes. Then there are times like the other night where I just set on ending things next week, period! Fuck everything and just let me die.

My psychiatrist emailed me saying she was sorry I couldn’t make it in yesterday. She asked when would I like to come in. My first response is always never or when do you want me to come in. I might see if I can see her next week as I need a refill. I emailed her that in the beginning of the email but she didn’t do it. It’s always an email tag to get another appt and get my meds refilled.

white noise and sleeping

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

White noise and sleeping

Probably while I was writing my blog late last night, I was having a reaction to the Moscow Mule that I had. My tongue felt swollen and my throat felt really funny. I took some diphenhydramine. It took about two hours to work, but I finally felt like I wasn’t going to asphyxiate. I was in pain so I couldn’t go to sleep right away. I turned on the white noise machine to try and settle my brain from the panic I was having at having a drink I shouldn’t have had. I finally went asleep around 5. I emailed my psychiatrist telling her I wasn’t going to see her because it was like 2 am and I wasn’t asleep yet. I am glad I canceled because I didn’t get up till noon.

I woke up with a very sore throat. It hurt to talk or swallow. I wasn’t hungry so I just went downstairs to have a dessert. I told my mother what happened. Then she asked if I would call the phone company because there was sometimes static on the line. I told her I couldn’t talk because it hurt. I tweeted to the phone company but that didn’t get me anywhere. They responded and then sent me a link but I couldn’t open it on my phone. I was feeling sleepy as I took more diphenhydramine and the white noise tends to make me sleepy, a double whammy.

I didn’t know if I would blog today as I was pretty much knocked out. I just had dinner, leftovers from last night. I was shocked I didn’t get any spaghetti sauce on my shirt. The breadstick I had was good but it would have been better warm. I don’t know why their breadsticks are so damn good. I just took some more diphenhydramine because my throat is hurting.

I have been following the American Association of Suicidology conference on Twitter. Every year I get inspired by the work these people are doing. It kind of makes me feel less suicidal and wanting to go on despite of my pain and illness but then the conference ends and I am alone with my thoughts again.

I heard from the pain doc today. The secretary called to make an appt with him. I was shocked. I see him in two weeks. Maybe I will get relief or just get more annoyed than I already am.

dinner, baseball, and pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Dinner, Baseball, Pain

I went South of Boston tonight to have dinner with some really great friends. We had an awesome time and my friend’s kids are more engaging as they get older. The son is the oldest and he is a freshman. I still remember when he was born and held him in my arms! Now he is a mini man, with a moustache and slight beard. I could have cried today. My babies aren’t babies anymore! Even my little guy is going to be 24 this June.

I got home in time for the game. Mookie Betts hit a home run at his first at bat. This is the sixth time in a row we have scored in the first inning. I love this team. As long as everyone stays healthy, I think we are going to be a VERY good team. An umpire got hit with a foul ball and had to leave the game. It’s a delay of game while a covering umpire gets the gear on.

I will be listening to the game as I probably am going to be up the next few hours. I am in tired but I am also in a lot of pain. My ankle bone started hurting while I was at the restaurant. I had an alcoholic beverage so I couldn’t take a pain medication. I wanted to try the Moscow mule. I didn’t know it had ginger beer in it so asked to have it made with ginger ale instead. I have a sensitivity to ginger so didn’t want to chance it as ginger beer is not something I ever had. I know it has more ginger than ale does.

I think I am going to have to cancel my therapy appt for Monday. I don’t think I can walk to his office. Just getting around the last few days have really done a number on my legs. It hasn’t been helping my sprain at all. Resting hasn’t been easy. I am going to dread tomorrow as I need to see my psychiatrist in the morning. I am going to try and be in bed by 2, which hopefully will give me at least 6 hours of sleep as I know my mother will call me in the morning. She didn’t call me this morning because I wasn’t going to be home to take the socks off her. I don’t know why she didn’t want my sister to take them off her.

Irritable Wednesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

All day I’ve been in an irritable mood. My mother never called me to put on her socks. Then she got mad at me because I wanted pizza for supper and I left the house without telling her. I picked up my scripts and the person at Walgreens was slow as molasses even though she has been there for a few months. Then when she was checking me out, she was having a conversation with the pharmacist that obviously was more important. Pissed me off because I was in pain from standing up. I was wearing the boot and it was throwing my hips off. I was just in a lot of pain and just wanted to be home.

I get home and it smelled of chemicals from the roofers. I had an asthma attack. Then I felt dizzy from the smell even though I opened my window. I had to go to my sister’s to get some air. I never ordered pizza. My brother in law was telling me stories about how the place is going out of business. I have yet to hear anything. He just has been hearing things from people so who knows if it is true.

My mother opened the kitchen window but the house still smelled. I opened the window in the dining room and in the hallway. I just need to close them because it is going to fricken rain the next two days. Guess I won’t be wearing my boot because my foot will get soaked.

Because I won’t be home tomorrow, my mother doesn’t want to put on her socks. I won’t have a wake up call. Yay! I can sleep in. I hope anyway. Hope this irritablility goes away. I know it is because of pain and possibly the bipolar stuff. I rather just be depressed.