Category: mood disorders

I’ll have two of everything

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I’ll just order two of everything

I woke up around 330 in pain. I took some meds and couldn’t get comfortable. I played on my phone for a bit trying to settle down. I didn’t want to take a full Ativan so I took half to get back to sleep. The doorbell rang around 0830 for my mother but I had to go down to see who it was. I had to stay up then because my groceries would be coming in a couple of hours. I wasn’t hungry so I just made a cup of tea.

The grocery delivery came a little before 11. The previous guys usually bring up the refrigerated and frozen before getting to other stuff. This guy decided to bring whatever. His first time up was with some of my powerade bottles. As I was moving them to where they needed to go, one made a break for it and rolled down the stairs and of course, broke. I swore and then went downstairs to clean up as the guy kept bringing stuff up. I told him to watch his step so he wouldn’t slip. I got most of the stuff wiped up and then went back upstairs to put away the refrigerated and frozen stuff. I then called my mother and told her if she came home to be careful as the floor may be wet.

Once that stuff was away, I got the mop and some spray my mother told me to use and cleaned up more so it wasn’t sticky. My back was ready to kill me. Just mopping and standing was hurting me so bad. I went into my sister’s apartment to get a bucket to rinse off the mats. She didn’t have one. So I got a huge container and kept filling it and bringing it to the front porch to rinse the mats. I did this a few times. When I was satisfied that the mats were thoroughly as rinsed as possible, I put the container back and went upstairs. I rinse the mop and then went to put the groceries away.

I had bought nearly two of everything (aside from my beverages), which would explain why my grocery bill was so high. I also bought enough cereal to last me two months, two boxes of at least three different kinds. I was shaking my head. Because the plastic bags with the beverages were falling apart, I used the reuseable bags to stock my powerades. My back was ready to revolt and my foot/ankle was starting to throb really bad. I rested in the kitchen and got hungry. I decided to make a frozen dinner. As I was putting it in the microwave, my mother came home. We chatted for a bit and then I asked her if she was baking tomorrow as I wanted to make muffins. She asked if they were white or black. I said I never made them before so I have no idea how they were going to come out. She then made the gag sign. I wanted to smack her. She then made a comment about what I was eating. I felt like flinging it at her. She was getting me so mad. Then she asked what kind of cake I bought. I said it was cornbread. She ate it and said it didn’t taste like corn. (I had a piece and it did) I told her her taste buds were off. I finished my lunch and then went upstairs. I was hurting so bad but I was so damn tired. I took a nap. Not even an hour in, my mother calls me. I didn’t answer. I woke up an hour later and was more sore than when I first laid down. I hope I didn’t hurt myself. My foot was berserk. I hope I can sleep tonight and my back is better tomorrow. I want to get my haircut.

utter nonsense

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Utter nonsense

I woke up around 0830 or so. I wasn’t feeling so great as the migraines were so bad last night I had a very difficult time getting comfortable. Then I got hit with anxiety because I didn’t know if my ankle/foot were going to be acting up too. When I opened the door to my bedroom, the brightness of daylight hurt my eyes. I went to the bathroom and then brushed my teeth. I came back to my room and was hit with another migraine. I wasn’t nauseous like I was last night but damn my head felt like it was going to explode. I took my pill and tried to go to sleep. I also took some Excedrin. Eventually I fell back to sleep. I woke up again around 1130 with the noise of the Price is Right. All sounds seem to be way louder for some reason when your head hurts. The pain was gone but I felt this pressure around my head. I still felt unwell. I got a text from Walgreens saying my script was ready. I decided to take a shower and then go pick it up.

I went downstairs and my mother was having lunch. I took a bite of her sandwich and then made one of my own. She had made this tomato and pickle salad stuff for the sandwich and gave me some for my sandwich. It was good. Then I hopped in the shower. I couldn’t get the water hot enough for me. My ankle and foot were feeling pressure but not pain. The barometric pressure this morning was 30.54. Higher than it has been the past week, hence the migraine activity. I felt human after the shower but my back was hurting me from standing. I had to sit for a bit before I got dressed for the store. I was still having a hard time reading on my phone. My eyes just hurt so bad from the pressure in my head.

I got dressed and then left. I walked to Walgreens and picked up some more lidocaine and some Mylanta. My total, which included my meds, was close to $60. UGH. I can’t wait till my payments are down to 0 in a few months. I came home and I was sweating. It was really warm in the store. I didn’t wear a heavy sweatshirt. It was cold but walking briskly just makes me sweat. I had to change T-shirts when I came home. I rested for a bit and couldn’t decide if I wanted to nap or make a cup of tea. I wanted something sweet so decided to have a protein bar and a cup of tea. My ankle was kind of bothering me, not really painful, but a lot of pressure like someone was squeezing it.

While I was waiting for the water to boil, I decided to watch the ball game. It was the last Spring Training game. In two days, will be Opening Day and I cannot wait. Soon as I watched, my boys scored two runs! Yea! I watched it while I waited for my niece to come home from school. Turns out my niece wasn’t coming home right away as she was doing something at the school. I watched the end of the game and then made dinner as my mother didn’t feel like it. By the time I was done, my ankle was bothering me with a little pain.

I came back up to my room and I am staying here for the rest of the night. I might make another cup of tea. I’ve really been liking Orange Spice. It isn’t caffeinated so I can drink as much as I like. I had to buy another box as I was getting low. I looked at my lab results from Friday and found that my sodium (salt) was low. I wonder if that is why I have been feeling like crap. It was only down by 2 points. I don’t know if that is significant or not. I’ll have to email my psychiatrist because my bipolar med, Trileptal, can cause low sodium levels. I usually have a high salt diet so it’s never been a problem before. I’m starting to feel crappy again so I think I am going to take my meds early and go to sleep. My grocery order should be delivered between 11 and 1 so I need to be up and ready by then. And I want to make oatmeal pancakes because I have been craving them!

daily rambling about nothing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Daily rambling about nothing

I had a shitty sleep as I was in pain most of the night. The pain kept changing, again. I think I fell asleep around 2 only to wake up around 330. I knew my check had been deposited so I ordered my groceries and paid a couple of bills. Then went back to sleep but it wasn’t restful. I got up around 11 and made a cup of tea. My sister had texted me to see if I would be ready by 1 as her doc called to see if she could come in early. I said sure. I wasn’t that hungry so just had a protein bar with my tea.

My sister came and we drove to Boston at a place I was all too familiar. I wasn’t sure how to get to the building my sister needed to be at because I’ve never driven there, only taken shuttle and walked there. We found it okay and she parked in the garage. The doc was nice and explained things clearly. Like I suspected, she told my sister to try PT to help alleviate her symptoms. My sister and I stopped at the Starbucks before leaving as I needed my espresso. There was a line so while I ordered and waited for the drinks, my sister got the car. On the ride home, I was thankful not to be driving as people were cutting my sister off and not staying in the lanes. I don’t miss driving!

Came home and glad I did as my mother, who had a doc appt and then did grocery shopping, was having a low blood sugar episode. I gave some juice right away. I was hungry so made a sandwich while she had the juice and rested. She was being stubborn about not wanting to eat something because it wasn’t 4 PM yet. No idea why this is the time she has to eat but whatever. My sister came up to drop off the mail and both she and I put the groceries away so my mother didn’t have to. I was trying to kill time but I was getting antsy. It was too early to leave for my therapist’s appt. I was kind of feeling off by then but just attributed it to being tired from not sleeping well.

I left the house around 1730 and then felt really nauseous. I didn’t have any Zofran on me. I wasn’t sure if it was because of the post nasal drip or a migraine coming on. I stopped at Walgreens before going to my therapist’s office for a bottle of Gatorade. Apparently they were 2 for $4 as the cashier was explaining to me. I told her I didn’t want two. She then rang me up. I hate when cashiers do that. If I wanted two, I would have grabbed it. The nausea got worse as I walked to the office building. I had to stop several times to prevent hurling. I really was not feeling great. After therapy, my head exploded. So now I was sick with a migraine. I just wanted to go home and hoped I did so without throwing up.

Every light hurt my eyes. I didn’t have my sunglasses as I forgot them at home. Now I am always going to make sure I carry my migraine pills and Zofran with me. I hope I sleep tonight. My pain isn’t bad. My head hurts more than my ankle/foot at the moment. I have no idea if that will change. It’s always a toss up. Looks like the sub I made when I came home earlier is going to be the only thing I have to eat today. I’m still nauseous so food isn’t that appealing. Maybe when the migraine clears I can eat something. I hope I fall asleep first, though. I am so damn tired.

Will the crushing pain ever stop?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Will the crushing pain ever stop??

I was up all night, again, due to pain. My foot and ankle were playing a game of this part is going to hurt, then this, then that, and then repeat. ALL FUCKING NIGHT! I did what I could to control it but with pain that changes and is intermittent, it is very hard to control. Eventually the Neurontin knocked me out for a few hours. Then I was a hungry beast. I had a burrito followed by the tuna my mother made with some crackers.

I emailed my psychiatrist during the mayhem and she responded. She wanted to know what changed. I said everything is status quo with no help from the pain doc or my PCP so I am done. I am no longer going to try and get a longer acting pain med. I am going to make every damn effort to make sure that when I do die, there isn’t the financial stress of my death. So again, I played with dates and think sometime in June things will end. I just got to find a place to do it. That is a huge thing. But two months is plenty of time, right?

My foot is just being a fucking bastard today. The bones hurt so bad and feel like they are being crushed. It is a constant pain. I took my strong pain pill and an Ativan to try and take a nap but everyone decided to either call or text me at that time. I should have shut the phone off. My mother is planning on going out to the grocery store so she won’t be home for when my niece if off of school. So why you calling me? Call her mother and tell her. She isn’t going to be home either as she has a doc appt and I will be going with her.

My phone decided it was going to update the OS so wiped out all my preferences. Individual text tones are no longer an option. That sucks. It also got rid of my Star Trek ringtones. I can’t seem to get it back after I somehow disabled the sound. The whole setting option has changed. UGH. Then my music was GONE! But luckily, it was only because it wasn’t recognizing the SD card. I had to remove it then reinstall it. I also updated my now spare phone. I then realized that when I changed my niece’s contact information, the number wasn’t in my phone. I just had to call to get the number. Felt weird having to call my number to get my number, lol.

I missed the ball game today. I kind of saw a few tweets that said we scored two runs to take the lead and I don’t know what happened after that. I would have the Red Sox on mobile notifications but they don’t tell me the score during the game and if they do, they use a stupid box around the number so I have no clue what it translates to. It annoys the fuck out of me.

I just put in my refills for my meds for the month. I have four. It would have been five but I don’t have refills left on one. I will pick it up Tuesday as I know the Invega won’t be in stock until then. I was going to shower today but damn foot is a wreck. No way I am standing for 10 minutes just to aggravate the sucker. I’ll be up all night in pain again. Part of the reason my pain was so bad last night was that the barometric pressure was 30.14. Hi pressure equals a lot of pain. I am hoping to have my grocery order in tomorrow. I want to make morning glory muffins. There is a lot of good stuff in it, coconuts, carrots, apples, raisins. I haven’t had this kind of muffin in a long time. I think the coffee shop at work had them every now and then. They were so good and big. I hope my muffins are big. Usually they are small and look like a cupcake. That will be the adventure this week. I’ll try and make them before Easter so we can have dessert. I think my sister will be making a ham. Not sure what my mother is making. I thought she was going to make Pizzelles but she ended up washing clothes instead. Maybe she doesn’t have enough ingredients or something. I don’t know.