Category: mood disorders

what a let down

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

What a let down

So in case you are just tuning in, Monday I saw a pain psychologist who determined that I was not an abuser or misuser of medication as well as had the inclination to sell my drugs. It went fairly well and when I had an appt today, I was hopeful that the doc would prescribe me a longer acting pain med to help control my pain better. What a dud, total fallout. I met with a fellow who had an attitude from the get go. He went over the paperwork and even though I wrote in plain English I had two back surgeries due to cauda equina syndrome at different times, he still questioned what I wrote. It went downhill from there. Then the attending came in, told me a story of a woman he saw that was on crutches because of an injury to her big toe. He claimed she had CRPS but there was no clear presentation of it. Then he said I was the same as I had no clear physical presentation of the condition. I felt like he didn’t believe I was in pain, at all. He saw me all of 5 mins and then decided to prescribe me an anti-inflammatory cream, telling me to wrap my ankle and foot in a plastic bag after applying it to prevent it from drying. End of appointment. See you in four weeks. Meanwhile his fucking fellow says “doesn’t want to start me on opioids because they are hard to come off when started.” I was furious. I posted to my support group and then emailed my psychiatrist that I was once again let down by the medical profession. I think I was on this cream before, I can’t remember. So many docs have prescribed me different creams I can’t remember what worked. The lidocaine has helped and I am at a loss as to why I can’t continue to use it. Whatever. I am going to request my records of the pain psychologist and the doc I saw today to see what they wrote. Then when I see them, I will confront them with any discrepancies.

Before the appt, as I was walking to the building I had to be at, my ankle flared on me. I limped to the office. It didn’t get any better on the way home. I wanted to make burgers for dinner so went to the butcher shop. I wanted some fish but it was too expensive. My mother thinks I am the eggman, as she keeps wanting me to buy eggs every time I am out. They were expensive at the butcher shop and I wasn’t about to walk around the grocery store across the street. I wanted to get home.

The bus took forever. There was a crowd of people and it was causing me to panic. I don’t do well with crowds. Finally the bus came and I was on my way. I got off at my stop and went to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. I was just about to the door when my ankle flared again. I stopped, hoping it would pass. I limped down to the pharmacy and luckily there was no line. I would have died. I was walking toward the exit and again my ankle seized, this time was the final blow. I called my sister to see if she could pick me up. I knew I wasn’t going to make it the two blocks home. I still had no clue how I was going to make the burgers. I told my sister the dilemma and she said she had pizza. Problem solved. Burgers tomorrow. I had two slices. My ankle was throbbing the whole time I was eating. Because I was left in the cold exam room without my socks on, my foot is a block of ice. Going to take some time to warm up. I am not going to put the new cream on as that will not be a good idea.

Diane

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Diane

I had a good sleep but didn’t have any plans for the day. I just wanted to stay home. My mother wanted me to go out. Fuck that! I have been out every day this week. I had some breakfast and then went back to bed.

When I woke up, this song was in my head. The woman that sings it, Cam, is gorgeous! She is a new artist. There are a couple of her songs on YouTube. I might check them out after I write this blog.

I had another rough night of pain until I fell asleep. I am glad I didn’t wake up during the night. I think I am going to make some honey BBQ wings for supper. My mother said leftovers were for dinner and the choices weren’t appealing. I had started my grocery list. I am just throwing things on there. I probably will take them off when it gets closer to check out. I do the same with Amazon. Right now, both carts are near the $200 mark. I’ll take off what I don’t need. I wanted to get some PJs as I had two pairs rip to shreds as they are so old. I have bought PJs here and there but I typically wear the same ones for a few days. When I shower is the only time I change, which can be days depending on my pain level.

Tomorrow I see the pain doc and I hope that we can come up with a plan that will help control my pain better. I know there is not a medicine in the world that will take it away completely. But if it brings it down to a 3 most days, I will be happy. I just want to be able to fucking do shit around the house like make meals, shower, brush my teeth, and then go to Starbucks and write for a couple of hours. I don’t want to see the same four walls because I am in intractable pain all the time. I also want to be able to sleep through the fucking night or at least get to sleep at a decent hour. My sleep has always been fucked up but these flares are making everything worse.

I emailed my psych before I went to bed last night asking her if she read the card as I didn’t hear from her. She said she did and she loved the sweets. I am happy. I hope she knows how much she means to me. I know there are days where my illness makes me paranoid of her and I sometimes don’t reach out because I am scared or angry (mostly because the voices are saying stuff about her) but she is always there for me to listen to these things. She never gets mad or frustrated with me. I am really lucky to have such a good psychiatrist.

The Ups and Downs of Being Bipolar

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Today has been an up and down, all around day. I had another rough sleep, though pain had something to do with it as usual. Around 1 am, I felt energetic, like hypomanic. I also got the writing urge and I knew the bipolar part of my illness was showing itself. I can understand why as I have had shitty sleeps for I don’t know how many days in a row, being up all night. When I woke up, I didn’t want to get out of bed. I shut off my med alarm but didn’t take my meds. I got up about a half hour later and it was too late to take them. I did my bathroom routine and then pondered what to do.

I was feeling really low and sluggish. I felt like canceling my appt with my psychiatrist but really wanted to give her the card I got her. I left at the time I planned on going. I didn’t bring my cup. I forgot. I decided to wear my sneakers rather than the AFO to see how my ankle would do. Maybe using it wouldn’t cause me pain. By the time I got into town, that proved to be a mistake.

I got to Starbucks and just had espresso. I had a bowl of cereal before I left the house as I was hungry and had time to eat. I was really sleepy while I was at Starbucks. I tried to write but nothing was really coming to me, least not while I wanted to take a nap. I didn’t even play with my phone. I just listened to music and was getting annoyed with the passing cars glinting sun in my eyes. I was sitting by the glass door. It sucked. I left to go to the train station and by the time I got there, my ankle was cursing me. Great. I seemed to be off with the timing of the train so I just drank my espresso while waiting for it.

I got to the building where my psych is and had to use the bathroom. There was someone using the disability stall so I used the normal one. I hate them because it makes me claustrophobic. It is so tiny. For some reason, my backpack weighed a ton. I don’t understand why as there really isn’t much in it other than 3 small notebooks and my journal. I was carrying the bag for my psych but it didn’t weigh that much. It is annoying me. Everything was annoying me. I just wanted to get home.

I saw my psych and she was appreciative of the chocolate and card, though she didn’t open it. I felt like it had been ages since I last saw her as there has been so much going on. I told her about the pain psychologist and she said that was huge. I told her I had an appt with a pain MD Friday. I don’t know what happened while talking to her but I was off to the races. Things were spilling out left and right. In the span of the 20 minutes or so, I was talking about everything. I told her about my troubles with my new story and she understood. She didn’t say anything but was cautious about it. She knows how much my past caused me to lose my sense of reality and I told her I didn’t want this story to make me become unstable, least not more than I am already. She had no insights into the functional program that the PT and the pain psychologist wanted me to go to. I asked what would be the point in going. I haven’t been able to find an answer to this question. I might email my PT. I just worry that if going back to work is the goal, then that might be a problem as I don’t want to lose my benefits. If I lose my long term disability or my social security, I won’t be able to get them back, ever. My writing is good but I doubt I am going to be the next JK Rowling or Neil Gaiman. And it’s not like I collect money from my blog so that is out. I have no idea what my job would be. But I am getting ahead of myself. Right now none of that is possible unless my pain is controlled to a livable level, and it is not right now.

My psych said I was all over the place, and I was as I had sent her emails in my lowest of lows, mostly due to pain. I don’t know if I told her about being suicidal. Those, thankfully, have been passing thoughts and haven’t stuck around. I am not surprised because I was sending her emails about my pain and how it was affecting me. Over the weekend, I was really angry. Then I was depressed and now I am kind of hypomanic. I am not feeling euphoric or happy. I just feel kind of upbeat.

I left her office and she said to stay in touch. I told her I would. I had a million ideas running through my head and I wanted to write them all down. I got to the train station and figured I would get the title of today’s blog done so I did that. The train came so I just read Facebook until I got to the Square again. I had about 20 minutes for the bus home, so I figured I would write the damn story. Except, I didn’t know what to write on, my phone or my notebook. It was agonizing me to decide. I pulled out the outline I had on my phone and this story line was there, but nothing else. Just three fucking words. I became paralyzed again, writing wise. Then things slowed down to their normal level. I wasn’t so racy.

After dinner, I wanted to write the blog. I opened my laptop and like I usually do, I read twitter before I open Word. I read about the school shooting. I was sad and angry that this happened again. The usual things occurred. The shooter was white so wasn’t shot to death. He didn’t kill himself. Seventeen people died. There were reports of him having mental illness. Mental illness doesn’t make anyone a killer!!! Someone with mental illness is more likely to be a VICTIM of violence than to cause it. But because of our fucked up society that has to put blame, sure they are mentally ill because a fucking sane white person wouldn’t do this. It sickens me. Then the reports of how much each Republican Senator was paid by the NRA was reported. It’s like fucking clockwork. Things will die down in a few days and then it will happen in another school, which it fucking shouldn’t!! Kids should be fucking safe where they learn for fucks sake!! They shouldn’t have to learn how to cope with their friends being shot to death and being terrorized by a gunman at their school. Congress needs to take action of some sort or the States have to. Someone has to! This can’t keep happening. America shouldn’t be known for mass murders yet it is. All because of the 2nd Amendment? I don’t think the founding fathers wanted kids to die by shootings or having their countrymen shot to death in mass numbers by civilians.

Needless to say, I couldn’t write my blog anymore. I watched Titanic, Disc 1. I am not going to watch Disc 2 where 1500 people die. I am thinking of the kids that died today that shouldn’t have.

pain, pain go away and bug someone else!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain, pain go away and bug someone else!

This is the fourth day of dealing with horrendous foot and ankle pain. I wanted to get my haircut today, if I wasn’t in too much pain. I had a difficult time sleeping and woke up around 6 to take pain meds. I went back to sleep and woke up around noon. I felt a little better, mentally. Physically, I was still hurting. I didn’t know if I should stay home or not. I went downstairs to brush my teeth. It went okay so decided to get dressed to catch the bus.

It was cold out. I wore my Sox beanie hat. Today is the day catchers and pitchers report. Baseball spring training is starting. Next week will be their first games. I cannot wait. I have been eagerly waiting for the season to start. I love baseball so much and have missed it so much.

I got to the bus stop and there was construction going on the next block so it blocked my view of when the bus was coming. Just as the bus was coming, one of the construction vehicles moved so I could see. I had to flag down the bus as a stupid car pulled into the bus stop spot. Idiot. They aren’t supposed to park there. Never a cop around when these things happen. I got to my barber’s shop and there was no waiting. I told my barber how I wanted my hair done. It was more of a military cut. We had a good chat like we always do. His buddy is funny. He wants to grow a man bun. I just shook my head as my barber and I laughed (he proceeded to bob his head goofily as we did).

After the haircut, I went to Starbucks. My ankle kind of flared when I stood up and I was questioning it but wanted something to eat and some caffeine. It calmed down while I sat and ate. I took out my notebook and my journal. My mother wanted somethings from the freezer but I forgot if she wanted it for tonight or tomorrow so I called her. She wanted them for tomorrow and I told her I was planning on coming home late. I wanted to write my story, or at least get started on it. I was writing in my journal, minding my own business, listening to my music, when the top of my foot exploded. I got a mix of being angry and depressed. I had to close my eyes until it calmed down a little. So much for going to the grocery store to get some fish sticks as they were on sale. I had about 20 minutes to catch the bus. I packed my stuff up and carefully walked to the bus stop.

The temp dropped and the wind picked up. I was cold so put my hat on. My zipper on my boot had come undone so I stopped at the island to adjust it. I wished I had my gloves. I got to put them in my jacket. I don’t really like gloves as my hands sweat and then when you put the gloves back on they are cold, making your hands colder so I don’t usually carry them. But today it was needed. I had to wait for the bus as it was a little late. The bus driver was not paying attention to the bell for stops. It almost missed a stop for a passenger and didn’t open the back doors to let them out. This makes me mad. I didn’t do anything because what can you do? Even if you report them, there is no way they will get reprimanded for it. I just shook my head. I got off my stop and carefully got off the bus so it wouldn’t bother my ankle. I really wanted to get home but stopped at Walgreens first. I wanted to see if they had lasagna my mother wanted. It was sold out. I then checked to see if they had my wings and the price was up by 50 cents. WTF. It was on sale though so I grabbed a box. It was the price I would have paid if the price didn’t go up. Jerks. I am getting so unhappy with Walgreens lately. It’s like you are paying more for less. The box of wings only have about 6 pieces in it. No point in complaining to them as they don’t care.

I got home and was frozen. My thighs were so cold. I felt like I would not warm up. I had to take a shower to take off the hair clippings so I thought maybe that would warm me up. Nope. My foot still hurt and my ankle was starting. I took a strong pain pill as it was too early to take the other one. I ended up ordering dinner as I didn’t want to cook. Going to take my meds and maybe read some Harry Potter. I need to get some reading done. It’s already the middle of the month! I have only read one chapter. I need to be better. Maybe I should make lists of what should be done every day to help me better manage my time. I don’t know. Just a thought.