Category: mood disorders

Good day in a long time

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Good day in a long time

I had a low pain day. I timed the bus ride to the Square right and got my Starbucks. Then made my way to the commuter rail with just enough time to buy my ticket for the train and wait for my friend. I brought two bags with me as one just wasn’t enough. It turned out okay. We got to my friend’s town around 1400. We waited a while to get settled and then around 1500 or so, I went to work. My friend was out of oil so we had to wait till his wife came home. Luckily she thought of appetizers because it would take a couple hours for the sauce to cook.

We watched Popeye while the gravy was cooking. It was with Robin Williams. I had forgotten most of the other characters in the cartoon as it has been ages since I last watched it. I kept on going back and forth to the kitchen to stir the gravy and eat appetizers. I didn’t have lunch so was kind of hungry. By 1745, everything was ready. My friends loved the sauce and meatballs and raviolis. This was the first time I made them and the raviolis came out perfect. We had dessert afterwards.

Then we watched my favorite movie of all time, Money Pit. I knew it word for word, almost. I must have watched it a million times with my childhood friend. It was our favorite movie. It still cracks me up to this day. After the movie, my friend’s husband took us home. There was a lot of construction and changes in the Boston area where my friend lived. It didn’t help that there was a game at the Boston Garden so cars were leaving the parking lots. It was a nightmare. Then I took the wrong road going to my house as they had changed things. I should have known better but we turned around and went the right way.

My pain is still kind of low though throughout the cooking and stuff, I had to rest in between. While we were eating it really flared up and I knew there was no way for me to go home via public transportation. I had a really good time with my friends. We laughed and had fun. The kids loved my gifts. I was glad. It was the first time in a long time I felt good. I kept up with my pain meds and wore my compression brace until I couldn’t stand it any longer. I just hope my pain doesn’t get worse as the night progresses. Right now my foot is angry but that is okay. It was a long day of wearing socks so I think it just got irritated with them on. Luckily, I didn’t have to wear my boot. I had brought it just in case. I really came prepared and I think that helped to relax me so I didn’t have to worry about a flare. It really helped to focus on having a conversation with my friends and focusing on the cooking or watching a movie.

Now I just hope I can sleep before the pain awakens.

chronic pain is making me hopeless again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Chronic pain is making me hopeless again

Last night, my pain was high. I didn’t go to sleep until after 0200. While I was waiting to succumb to sleep, my emotions were dark. I was hopeless and suicidal. I knew there was a chance I would be the same in the morning, however unlikely. I was and it sucked. I was in an irritable mood when my med alarm went off. I didn’t want to wake up. I did a somewhat morning routine, taking my meds, going to the bathroom, brushing my teeth. Then I logged on the laptop and got Office 2016. Fricken annoyed me because it didn’t install the way it “said” it would. Took me 20 minutes to figure out how to install it and where to find the file I saved. Then it took another half hour to install. I just played on my phone.

When it was all said and done, I wanted to go to the Square for a haircut and espresso. I got to the square and check the barber shop to see if it was open and it wasn’t. I was sad. I’ll have to get a haircut later this week. It is going to be wicked cold the rest of the week.

I was at Starbucks and I just sat there, having my breakfast, drinking my espresso, and then writing in my journal. I wanted to go home but I missed the bus. Then my cousin called and he said he would take me to the grocery store. I said okay but I am in the Square. He said he would pick me up. I waited an hour for him. He looked at every woman on the streets, saying she is cute. Isn’t she cute. All the while, I am like, keep your fricken eyes on the road!! We get to the parking lot and he sees another woman pushing her carriage to her car. He pulls up near her. Unreal. We went our separate ways in the store. I got my things and we both finished at the same time. He took me home and I put things away.

I went up to my room and within 20 minutes of resting on my bed, I was flared to the point of crying. I was hopeless again. The pain got worse as I tried to get comfortable while the pain meds kicked in. Then I started to feel nervous, like my heart was racing and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Anxiety attack. I seriously was wondering why the hell I was living in this nightmare of pain every single fucking day. A friend called me and we talked for a bit. He said he might be by later tonight to share a beer. I said okay. He went into a new grocery store in our area and their beer selection was superb. I asked him if they had a certain beer I was looking for the year called Xocovenza, or something like that. It is a Mexican hot chocolate stout made by Stone Brewing. I’ve been wanting to try it. The grocery store had it. WHOOHOO! I thought it was just 1 bottle as stouts are usually like that and go for anywhere from $10-$15 a pop. He said this was like $17. I offered to give him money and he said no, it was on him. I said okay.

I felt a little better by the time I got off the phone with my friend. The meds kicked in and I was more relaxed and my pain lower. My aunt and cousin came over and so I went downstairs to see them. We talked and my aunt complained about my mother’s coffee. I made her my coffee. It was better. I stayed chatting with them until they left. I retreating to my room when my friend called saying he was here. That was fast. We spent a good couple of hours talking about all sorts of things over stouts and burgers. He said that he saw my posts about my pain and he felt bad that he couldn’t make me better. I have known him a long time and he would give the shirt off his back if he could. He is a really good friend of mine. He has always thought of me as a male friend, even before I came out as transgender. I love him and we are close. I told him that the if I don’t get adequate pain control soon, I might end up ending my life. He doesn’t want me to but understands where I am coming from.

I took my night and pain meds late because I was talking with my friend. I hope that I can sleep tonight at a reasonable hour. I didn’t have too much beer. I drank like a quarter of a bottle and then gave the rest to my friend. It was good stuff. I really like it, but not hot. It was a 6 pack, which I was surprised. I put two bottles in the fridge and then gave the rest back to my friend. He liked it as well. I would never drink all of them as I can’t really drink on the meds I take. I will have them on New year’s eve.

Christmas Day 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Christmas Day 2017

Merry Christmas to all my readers that celebrate it! May Santa be good to you all as I know you’ve been good.

I’ve been up since 0500 and so decided to have this a running blog for the day as it. I might be going back to sleep, only to be woken up in a few hours by my sister. She always wakes me up because she has presents for me. I really feel bad that I wasn’t able to get anyone anything this year because I just didn’t have extra money. I hate when my bills are more than I can afford. I know my sisters know I can’t afford things like they can. They have jobs and so can get things I can’t. Being on a fixed income every month just sucks. But my sisters like giving and they understand.

I went back to sleep around 0740. My sister called me an hour later. Her ringtone is “born to be my baby” by Bon Jovi. It is LOUD so woke me up. I groggily went downstairs. My sister got me Ed Sheeran tickets for Sept. My bro in law gave me a Red Sox mug, which I used to have coffee in. Had to break it in. My other sister gave me some gift cards. It was nice. After the presents, my sisters made breakfast. My middle sister tried to make a French toast thingy but for some reason, whenever she makes something, the middle doesn’t cook. It tasted okay but it was too much after every one had eggs, bacon, and toast. Then my sister started to prep for dinner. I watched until I couldn’t stand the pain anymore and went upstairs.

My ankle was being a fuck. I can’t seem to get the pain under control. This sucks. Pain doesn’t take a holiday. I don’t know why I thought today would be different. It’s snowing, our first white Christmas in a long time. And it is coming down heavy. That could be why my pain is so bad. I feel like a grump right now as I don’t want to go back downstairs when the food is ready. My sister is planning on having two different times for eating. At 1400, we have pasta and whenever the prime rib is ready, we’ll have that, which is hopefully around 2 hours later. She is also making a ham as not too many like the rib. I sort of like it if it is cooked right. She went nuts with the garlic though so I am not sure I will. I am not a fan of having garlic with my meat. I might just have ham and a little rib as she paid a lot for it.

Foot is now acting up. I seriously thought I wouldn’t feel suicidal today because I was in a good mood this morning. Now it is around 1300 and I just want to die. My mood has turned to shit. I am trying not to let the pain get to me but it is so fricken hard. I don’t have much to do tomorrow except pick up some things from the grocery store for Wed. I plan on going south of Boston to make dinner for my friends. I am really excited about it. I miss my friends so much. I wish we lived closer so we could see each other more frequently or at least me having a car would be good. Then I could see them whenever I wanted, if they were up for it.

Just came upstairs from dinner. I am stuffed like a turkey. I just took off the walking boot and pain erupted from my ankle bone. Damn thing. I will be taking my night meds in about an hour so that will be good. Everything went okay. I am kind of worried about my nephew. He seemed depressed but didn’t want to talk about it. He left soon as he finished eating. I hope he is okay. He was wearing my father’s cologne and by the smell of it, he used half a bottle. Takes after his mother as she uses a lot of perfume when she dresses up. I am not going to do anything the rest of the night. I might watch some DVDs of MASH, I am not sure. Last night I had some delay in the video. Probably because I don’t have enough RAM on my laptop. Going to drive me crazy until I am able to get, which won’t be until next month. I need to buy Office 2016 this month as the trial ends Wed. I still feel gipped as I didn’t get a 30 day trial like I was supposed to, just 27 days. I hope there are no problems with my deposit tomorrow like there were last month. I just want to be able to get things done that I need to. I really don’t want to be running around Wed before I have to leave Boston. That will just suck. But if that happens, it happens. There is a grocery store where my friends are where I can pick up the things I need. Going to be really cold Wed, like in the teens. BRRRR. Really hope that doesn’t pose a problem, pain wise or commuting wise. I really would hate to be stuck on a train because there is ice on the track. I really am excited to see my friends. I can’t wait.

Christmas Eve 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Christmas Eve 2017

I didn’t sleep well so woke up around 1330 to take meds. I stayed in bed for another 45 minutes. The new body pillow my sister got me is not as great as I thought it would be. Half of it was on the floor when I woke up and it was hard moving about in bed because it is so large. I’m trying to make do with it, though. My regular pillow that likes to sneak to the nightstand, nearly knocked things off. UGH. I placed in my “office” side of the bed.

I decided to shower before my foot and/or ankle hurt too bad. I had a bowl of cereal first as I was hungry and then took a shower. My foot hurt afterwards but it wasn’t bad. My mother had started frying fish when I was in the shower. I am glad I closed my bedroom door to block some of the smell. I am glad I took a shower. I then went on twitter and facebook. I browsed for a while until I felt like it was time for “lunch”. I made a turkey wrap with cranberry sauce. It was good. I wasn’t going to have the fish because it is not the kind I like. My mother was supposed to go to her sister’s for Christmas Eve but after frying, she hurt too much. I knew it was going to happen. Her back hurt her when she got up this morning. She had a hard time getting out of bed. I had gone to the bathroom and when I came back up to my room, she was just sitting on the edge of her bed. I asked if she was okay and she obviously lied and said yes.

I’m not planning on doing anything the rest of the evening except possibly watch MASH. I could use the comedy. The first 3 seasons are the funniest ones with Burns. When he left, the show kind of got more serious. I just found the DVD collection that I bought a few years ago. It some how went behind some stuff and remained hidden. I am glad I found it when looking for something else. I belong to a MASH Facebook group and whenever they post a quote or a scene, I want to watch the show all the more. I used to watch it all the time when I had my TiVo as I would record it. But I haven’t watched since I no longer watch TV since it died. Now it is just DVDs I watch.

Pats won today. The game was neck and neck, going back and forth but Brady pulled it out in the end. I really hope we make it to the playoffs. I really haven’t watched football games all season, except college football. OSU is playing in the Cotton Bowl Friday. I don’t know what channel it is on but it’s a late game. I probably will be watching it and then be up all night.