Category: mood disorders

birthday 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Birthday 2017

My mother made pizza for dinner. My immediate family came over for my birthday. It was nice, even if my youngest sister was being a goof the whole time. She gave me the body pillow I wanted though it is not as supportive as I thought it would be. My 2nd youngest niece painted a Winnie the Pooh bear. It was cute.

I tried making the cheesecake cookies today but the cookies didn’t come out the way they were supposed to. They are still edible and I supposed I could use the cream cheese filling as a dip of some sort for them. I was disappointed. My mother said I didn’t cook them long enough. I don’t know. They seemed okay to me.

I had some pain throughout the day. After I made the cookies, I took off my boot to relax and the pain got so bad, I cried again. I couldn’t help it. I had been walking around the kitchen doing stuff and guess it was too much for my ankle. I am hurting now as I am writing this. There just doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason for the pain. I don’t do anything, I hurt. I do something, I hurt. I hate this condition so much.

Protected: dark thoughts running through my brain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

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strip it down

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Strip it down

I’m listening to Luke Bryan and this is the song that is currently playing. I couldn’t come up with a title so thought I would use the name of the song. Corny, but it works.

I went food shopping today. I didn’t get much as I didn’t have that much money on me. I just bought the bare essentials until next week when I get paid. We were out of juice and that was the important thing. Always need juice in case my mother’s sugar goes down. I got a little of this and that. Then caught the bus to the square to get an espresso. I also treated myself to a cranberry bliss bar. Those are so good. I haven’t had one in a couple years. They only come out during Christmas season. I then hurried to catch the bus home.

I wrote a pitch for my second book and submitted it to a mental health press. It will be a few weeks before I know if they will print it. I had no idea if what I did was right as I never submitted a pitch before. I was really tired after writing it up. I went to nap and then my mother called just as I was ready to drift off to sleep. I was robbed of a nap. I didn’t want to get up. I wasn’t that hungry but I went downstairs. My mother made pasta for me as I wanted some. She made asparagus and eggs. I had a little of it while the pasta was cooking. She made it really al dente. I am not a fan of al dente. I ate it and now I am super full.

It has been snowing on and off today but now it’s snowing pretty steady. It’s supposed to snow till Christmas morning. Don’t know if that will happen. We haven’t had a white Christmas in years. It would be nice.

tough news

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Tough news

I woke up with my med alarm going off. I had set it so that I could be better at taking my morning blood pressure pills. My ankle kind of hurt so I thought it was going to be okay to stand up and go to the bathroom. NOT. Standing up brought a lot of pain and I knew the day was going to be shot. I gingerly went downstairs with the cane as I didn’t have time to put on the boot. My bladder said now and it meant it. As I was moving about, the pain kind of got better but didn’t go away. I wasn’t going to chance flaring it up while making cookies so that will be tomorrow’s quest.

I went back up to my room and then my bowels needed to be emptied. Seriously? Seriously. I went back downstairs and did my business. I had emailed my psych because my chin was twitching and I didn’t know if it was a side effect of the Invega. She said it could be like the eyelid twitching as she didn’t think it was due to the Invega. I was relieved. It is still weird to have the twitching though. Might be pain related as I really clenched my muscles when I had the cramp at PT to stop crying.

My mother had a visiting nurse come. She has had PT and RNs come to the house the last few weeks because she is having a hard time getting around. I waited for the nurse to leave before I went back downstairs to make some breakfast. I told my mother I really would like mac and cheese the way she makes it for dinner. It is basically elbows and American cheese melted on top. It is quick and easy and I love it.

Around 1230 or so, I get a response from my PCP. It wasn’t good news. He is a fink. He said that he was skeptical about playing around with my pain meds. But a longer acting pain sound okay for me. But he wanted me to be seen by a pain doc. I was fuming so hard I started crying. I responded that why couldn’t he tell me this 2 months ago and now I will have to wait at last another month or two for the appt. That is like 4 months I have/will suffer. Thanks doc. Do you sign death certificates the way you handle chronic pain patients?? (or something like that). I cried for an hour. I still am crying though not as bad. I told my mother to cancel my birthday party. I didn’t want to see anyone, not even my family.

Then some other PT or nurse came and I had to go downstairs with my face a mess. Great. I had to open the door for her because my mother couldn’t make the stairs. I let her in and then got some salami from my sister’s house to make a sandwich for lunch. I came back to my room, figuring I would make the sandwich after the PT or whoever she was left except I finally managed to nap. I slept okay. My bladder woke me up and my sister was calling me. She wanted to know why I canceled my party. I told her I didn’t want to see anyone or do anything. She asked if she wanted to go for lunch or something and I said no.

My mother had left me a message as I was drifting off to sleep. I asked her what she wanted and she wanted to know why I was crying. I told her I didn’t want to talk about it as I just stopped crying and didn’t want to start again. I am crying as I am typing this because I am still upset my PCP is a fink. I just can’t believe he couldn’t tell me this two months ago. I could have made an appt and had meds I needed by now. The fink also said that trying the Vimpat for at least two weeks might help me. WTF seriously??!! There is no data to support that. I will only be on 50 mg for a week before increasing it to 100 mg, taking 50 mg twice a day. I wanted to put the med alarm in place so that I could take my meds twice a day as I usually sleep too late, especially when I have difficult nights falling asleep due to pain. I have no idea how I am going to react to this med and I hope that it is favorable.

The fink wants ME to call the pain clinic for an appt. I will have to look up the number as I’ve never been a patient there, I don’t think. If I was, it was before I developed CRPS. I fucking hate that I have to see another doctor and explain the whole story. And hope that he or she won’t turn me away when I tell them I don’t want injections of any kind. Only think I will be open to would be ketamine infusions. I really hope that when I have to refill my pain meds for next month, the fink allows it. Otherwise there is going to be problems.