Category: mood disorders

do nothing on a snowy Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Do nothing on a snowy Sunday

It was freezing out so I didn’t go anywhere and just stayed in bed. My ankle wasn’t appreciative of the efforts. The times I did have to get up and go downstairs, it rebelled more. But I had to eat and use the bathroom so there was nothing I could do. I tried to stay on my diet today but it didn’t work out that way. But I stayed away from cookies so that was a plus.

Today was snow clearing day. I hope tomorrow I will be able to go out. I need to get my prescription and some items at Walgreens. I don’t think I will be going to the Square but who knows, my mood might change. I got to go to the post office, too. Lots of errands tomorrow.

I did some writing in my journal. I have been trying to write in it every day but the past few days, I got side tracked. I basically wrote an update with my psychiatrist and where we are now with my suicidality. I also wrote about meeting my therapist this week. It might end up being a phone session because there is rain in the forecast. I hate driving in the rain so it might be better to wait a week. I don’t know. I’ll check the forecast Tuesday and see what the weather is going to be like before cancelling my reservation for the car. The weather might change by then.

Pain has been a constant for me today. Either my foot or my ankle keeps flaring up. Sometimes, both. It’s so annoying because I don’t know what pain pill to take and what time to take it because it is so sporadic. Just becomes so frustrating. And the type of pain varies as well. Just drives me nuts.

I finally sold a Kindle book. I am excited about that. A friend of mine in Ireland bought it. She wants me to help her publish her poems. She writes really good poems. She sent me the document today to look over, which I will do some time this week. It will give me something to do.

I sent last night’s blog to my psychiatrist but I haven’t received a response. Maybe she hasn’t read it yet. I haven’t sent my therapist any blogs other than the one I wrote before our break. It was about our relationship. I miss sending her stuff but with my suicidality being so bad, I really don’t want her to know if we are ending. I still don’t know if this is going to happen or not. I will find out Wednesday what her decision will be. It still kills me that after sixteen years, she finally figures out she can’t help me anymore. I feel so let down and heartbroken.

Pain is at it again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Pain is at it again

I was talking with a friend of mine late after my babysitting duties were over. I started to fall asleep on her so I told her goodnight. I started to drift off a bit soon as my head hit the pillow. My arm started feeling like spaghetti. My foot was throbbing like someone was beating it with a hammer. I wasn’t sleepy anymore. I took an Ativan for the spaghetti feeling. I had already taken my night time dose of pain meds so I can’t take another dose for at least two hours. Sitting up has already relieved some of the pain.

I feel restless and hopeless. One of my Twitter friends, and I use that term lightly, was in trouble tonight. I tried talking to her but she really just wanted to think about suicide as a way to end her pain. There was nothing I could say to convince her otherwise. It got me thinking about my own suicidal feelings. I am about four weeks away from my proposed plan. I don’t know if I am going to go through with it or not. And I don’t know if someone would be able to talk me out of it either. I am feeling really hopeless about things right now. Pain is not helping me think clearly, that I know.

I need to call my friend tomorrow. He has invited me to go south of Boston to meet up with some friends of ours for a school play. I don’t want to go because it just exhausts me and I am in pain the next day or that night into the next day. I just can’t tolerate pain anymore. I really want to see my friends but I don’t want to be in pain. It’s a huge juggling act and I lose out and so do my friends because they want to see me. I feel bad because I am missing out but I got to take care of myself. The more I am in pain, the more my suicidality rises. I just can’t stand it anymore.

After my babysitting duties, I decided to shower. It felt good to be clean again. But I was very cold as there was no heat in the bathroom. Our heater broke before the summer and the replacement doesn’t do a very good job. It’s on for about fifteen minutes and then shuts off. It sucks. My brother in law is stubborn about fixing it. He thinks that is the way it’s supposed to work. You can’t tell him anything.

Okay, I am going to try this thing called sleep again. I hope I succeed. If not, I will be back!

Saturday Blog 72

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 72

I was up till 0130 talking to a friend while my ankle was throbbing up a storm. I woke up around 7ish with my foot hurting so took some more pain meds. I was asleep most of the day. Then my mother called me around 1330 saying to call my sister. Why my sister didn’t call me, I have no clue. She had already texted me. Then when I did call her she went off on me. I felt like hanging up on her. She wanted me to babysit. I reluctantly agreed, though I really didn’t want to. I still am not feeling great and my ankle/foot is still hurting me because of the lovely snow storm we are having. Once I was able to turn on my damn desk lamp, I took some more pain meds. My niece doesn’t really need to be “watched” just needs company.

I was hungry as I had not eaten anything all day and the thought of going back to my diet wasn’t appealing. Not when my pain was a 12. I needed real food so I ordered a sub and fries. I didn’t feel like making anything. I had a yogurt while I waited for my food to be delivered.

I still have a couple hours before I have to go downstairs to watch my niece. I took a nap and then it was time to go downstairs. My foot is still hurting me but I didn’t take any medication, least for now. The snow has accumulated quite a bit and it’s still snowing. I don’t think it’s going to stop until tomorrow evening or at least sometime tomorrow. I should have woken up sooner so I could have gone to the post office this morning but that wasn’t happening. I’ll just go Monday.

My sister just called and said some roads are really bad because they aren’t plowed but the city roads are okay. Figures. I just hope she stays safe in this weather. If it was me, I wouldn’t have ventured out. I hate driving in the snow.

Random 901

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 901

I went to the Square and had my Starbucks. I also had a protein bar with my espresso. I didn’t have any protein drinks but I am trying to be good today. I wrote in my journal for about an hour before I had to leave to go to my psychiatrist’s appointment. I had to go to the bathroom by the time I got there. Unfortunately, the disabled stall was taken so I had to use a regular one. I almost fell off the toilet as I sat down because I forgot how low they are. I hate using a regular stall but my bladder couldn’t wait.

I had about fifteen minutes before my appointment and my psychiatrist wasn’t on time, as usual. I didn’t mind waiting. It gave me some time to prepare what I had to say. She got me from the waiting room and told me she was shocked I was still in one piece. I told her my ankle is still sleeping, though I had a few slips today as the sidewalks were a little icy. Luckily, I didn’t fall. We talked about the week and the letter I wrote her. I wasn’t in a good mood all week and said I was suicidal again. She wanted me to consider the hospital but I can’t go in because I have babysitting duties next week. She wanted to know what to do to help me and I guess I just said, increased contact so we are meeting next Friday.

After the appointment, I caught the bus home and went to the grocery store to buy a cake for the party tonight. The selections weren’t that great so I chose a small cake. My sister didn’t like it but oh well. No one really eats cake anyways and she had an ice cream cake so the two should be plenty. I then went to Walgreens to do an errand for my mother. On the way home, the handles on the bags broke. Wonderful. I had to carry the bags carefully before they really ripped. By the time I made it up to my room my ankle had enough of me walking all over the place. It flared up so now I am stuck in my room.

My mother made mac and cheese for dinner and I had some. My ankle didn’t like me going downstairs but I was hungry as all I had to eat was that protein bar earlier in the day. Then it was giving me fits as I tried to hobble around the kitchen. I just came back to my room and will be staying here until the pain lessens. I already took my pain meds so I will be taking a nap soon. I need one.

I decided not to go to the post office today because I had to do all these errands and go to my appointment. I will go tomorrow if I am feeling okay. If not, there is always next week. I also need to buy more mailers. I meant to do that today and forgot. I like the ones from the Post office because they are sturdy and weigh less than the ones at the store. Plus it’s the perfect size for my book.