Category: mood disorders

Therapy-less

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Therapy-less

My airhead therapist got the times wrong for our session. She thought we were meeting today, not tomorrow. I am glad I canceled the Zipcar because I would have been pissed to show up and find I didn’t have an appointment. So we talked today.

She decided that we are going to talk monthly when I can get the zipcar and go out to see her, in person. She gave me names of five therapists, all female, in the area. I have no intention of calling any of them. I am not seeing another therapist again.

We talked about my pain and anxiety levels, my phone fiasco and being phoneless, and that was about it. She didn’t ask about my suicidality and I didn’t tell her. I was tempted to tell her about my dissociation I had last night but I didn’t. I felt like she wanted to keep the conversation light so I didn’t get into anything dark.

Today is our anniversary. I asked her if I could see her tomorrow and she said no. She doesn’t want to fall into her old habits. I was crushed but I didn’t let on about it. She wants to keep this as a monthly thing, fine. I will be dead soon anyways so it doesn’t matter. As we were setting up our next appointment, it was the week after that I would be dead. I felt sad about not telling her this but oh well.

I emailed my psychiatrist to let her know. She responded saying she wants to see me tomorrow but I had already made plans to see some friends. I will just keep our appointment for Friday. It would be nice to see her tomorrow but I really want to see my friends. I haven’t seen them in a long time. It would be good meeting them again.

For the first time in sixteen years, I am without a therapist on a regular basis. I have gone from twice a week to monthly. And it’s not because I have recovered or my symptoms have diminished. It’s because my therapist doesn’t know how to treat me anymore. Frankly, I don’t think the monthly bullshit is going to work out. I mean, why even bother? The least she could have done was wait until I had a therapist set up before going monthly. That would have made more sense, but nope. Not going to happen. So neither is me calling a therapist she gave me. I will check each of the names on Google to see what I can learn about them, though. Maybe if I see something in their profile it might change my mind and I will call her. We’ll see.

Protected: to be or not to be, that is the question

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

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Pain Filled Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain filled Monday

I woke up in some serious pain this morning. I took my regular pain meds and waited to nod off back to sleep. As I was lying down, my pain intensified. It was the barbed wire type pain only responds to the strong pain pill. It was around 0800 in the morning and already my day was turning to hell. I reluctantly took the pill because what choice did I have. It was either be in pain all day or not. I chose not. Needless to say, I didn’t leave the house. It was freezing out anyways.

I woke up and was hungry. I had a protein bar because I didn’t feel like making something to eat. Least not yet anyways. A few hours later I was really hungry and seeing as I was in pain and didn’t give a fuck (my normal pain had returned, lucky me), I made a deep dish pizza. I also had some Oreos but I limited myself to four.

Last night I decided to email my psychiatrist the letter I wrote her last week. She responded and thanked me for sharing it. I don’t know what is going to happen on my appointment come this Friday. I am really nervous about it. I don’t know what she is going to say when I meet her in person.

I had to cancel my car reservation to see my therapist on Wed because my mother’s phone is down and the technician can only come out during the time I would have to leave Boston. Seeing as I only have a working phone right now, if they call and need access to our line, I will have to let them in because my mother can’t hear the doorbell nor could I call her to let her know the tech is there. Oh well, I will just have to have a phone session. I will reschedule once I have a better idea on where our relationship is going anyways.

I can’t believe my ankle has been bothering me for almost a full 24 hours. Soon as my pain meds wear off, it starts up again. It’s driving me nuts. I just took more pills. I take my night meds in about an hour, might be sooner than that because I want to go to bed soon. I swear if I wake up in pain tomorrow morning, I am going to call my doc and be placed on a different medication. I just can’t live like this anymore, I really can’t. I’m doing my best not to attempt suicide but this pain is really testing my limits and patience.

I got the first sale of my book today. My little cousin bought a signed copy and I received the money today. She sent me a sweet little note with it. I need to go to the post office tomorrow to mail out the books. I also need to get more mailers. I like the ones the post office have because they’re more sturdy than the ones at Walgreens.

agitated, hot, and irritable

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Agitated, hot, and irritable

It’s 11 degrees out but it’s like 90 in my room. I have turned down the heat some but the radiator still kicks on because it is so cold out. I tried opening my window but it wouldn’t budge. I will have to see if my brother in law can open it as he shut it last when he took my AC out of it. I just need some cold air because I am frying like an egg. I hate being hot. It makes me irritable!

I was talking with a friend tonight because I was having some mental difficulties. She couldn’t help because she didn’t know how. I rather her say that than say stupid things. It just annoys me. I got really agitated because the voices were loud and I couldn’t quiet them down. My pain is through the roof, which isn’t helping matters. Trying to get the window open did it no favors either.

Am I really that difficult for people to get what I am saying and try to help me? Even my therapist doesn’t know how to help me anymore, and she has had professional training. I just don’t get it. It makes me annoyed and also makes me feel hopeless. I think the only person that really gets me is my psychiatrist. She gets the pain that I am in and the depression and psychosis. She understands me. So why can’t other people??

I think I am going to send the letter I wrote to my psychiatrist to her. See what she thinks. I know I will be walking a fine line because the letter is very suicidal. She doesn’t know that I have made out my will. Actually, no one knows except the blog world now. I think I wrote it before I wrote my psychiatrist that letter. I see her on Friday so I think she knows that I won’t be doing anything between now and then without talking to her about it first. She has a lot of trust in me and I would be an idiot to try something and lose that trust.

Thing is, if I send the letter, she will know my suicide date and that might be a problem for me. I still am thinking about going through with my plans. I know that I might lose her trust but if I am dead, that won’t matter much to me. If I don’t succeed, then there is a huge problem. I will be screwed if I live. That’s why I got to make sure that what I take, will indeed kill me.

Wow, for the first time all day, my ankle and foot are not hurting. I guess all the meds I took have finally worked. Maybe now I can finally catch some zzz’s. I just hope I sleep through the night and not wake up every few hours. That will just suck a lot. I got things to do tomorrow so I can’t be sleeping all day. I sent my friend a pic of my foot while it was flaring. She said it was huge. I said yea and when it really hits the highs, all my veins pop out, which it did a few minutes after I sent the pic. I knew it was going to be aggravating night for sleep once that happened.

Well, if I am going to send that letter, I might as well do it now because I am falling asleep. Later guys and gals.