Category: mood disorders

Bad Dream

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Bad dream

I just woke up from a bad dream. I dreamt I had the bottle of pills I plan on ending my life with in my hands. I gave them to my sister to hold for me, but the next thing I knew, I was taking the pills. I started to get worried that I was going to puke from taking so many. But I had the bottle in my hand, unopened. Then I woke up to find that my hands were empty, thank god. It was a very strange but disturbing dream.

I am surprised I woke up as I took Nyquil for my cold with my pain and night meds. I must have slept for about three hours. I am not in pain, yet. But I am coughing. Great. This cold doesn’t want to leave my body. I am already tired of being sick. I hope it’s gone by tomorrow but I doubt it will be. I am tired. I want to go back to sleep but that dream has me all discombobulated. I’m afraid to go back to sleep for fear of going back to that dream. Can you dream your death? It would be welcome. But it would be strange for me to die in my sleep when I have no known problems and no one in my family has died in their sleep at such a young age. They have died from old age or cancer (my father).

There was a movie that I wanted to see that was only for one night only. I tried to get tickets but they were sold out. Such a bummer. I planned on taking my youngest sister to it but I really didn’t think they would be sold out. I hope they make it into a DVD. That would be awesome. I hate going to theaters anyways because I really can’t stand loud noises. It makes me uneasy. Tonight while having dinner, it was all quiet until my mother turned on the TV. It was full blast and gave me a mini heart attack; it scared the shit out of me. My mother laughed but eventually the noise got to me and I asked her if she could lower it. The sound was going through my head like I sledgehammer.

I think I have another cavity in my tooth. It’s quite sensitive. I hope not because I hate the drilling. I see the dentist in a couple of weeks. I hope it’s just sensitive because of this cold that I have. Yesterday, the whole row of teeth were bothering me.

I can’t take anymore Nyquil for another hour or so. Same with my pain meds. I think a slice of cherry pie is calling my name. ta ta for now.

A Shitty Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A Shitty Saturday

It’s another dreary, cold day, despite the sun being out. It could just be that I don’t feel well and my ankle hasn’t stopped hurting me since I woke up this morning. I had a good dream that I woke up from, weird but good.

I planned on making Shepard’s pie today but my mother is making pork chops so I will make it for tomorrow. Besides, I am not really up to being on my feet. Just making coffee killed me. I had two pieces of my cranberry cake for breakfast and that has been all I have had to eat today, so far.

My cold is quickly moving towards my lungs as my cough is getting worse. I hate being sick. My Buckeyes are losing right now so I am in a mood. This game will determine whether they will go to a championship game so they really need to win.

I got an alumni high school hoodie I have been meaning to buy but was waiting for it to be on sale. Then I found out this morning one of my high school teachers passed away last night. I feel really sad about this. She was a good teacher, always had energy that rubbed off on you. My thoughts and prayers go out to her family.

I also bought a couple of SE Hinton books and a DVD. Next I need to buy Christmas gifts and I will be all set. I just plan on getting gift cards for my family. I will get them tomorrow when I go to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. If I didn’t feel so shitty, I‘d go today. I hope I feel better tomorrow.

I don’t get why my damn ankle/foot is hurting when I rested for at least nine hours straight. It doesn’t make any sense. Any slight movement I make today bothers it. I am so sick of this gnawing pain. I just want it to go away and stay away. It just feels so hopeless because I know it won’t. There is nothing I can do about it anymore. What used to work doesn’t. It’s really depressing. I am sure having a cold isn’t helping it, other than keeping me off my feet. But even that hasn’t worked. If I lie down, it flares up worse than sitting. All I can do it take pain pill after pain pill. I am so tired of fighting this bullshit. I just want to fucking die. Why is that so difficult? I mean, it was never easy to begin with, but dammit. People die all the fucking time, why can’t I be one of them?

Painsomnia Begins

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Painsomnia begins

I haven’t tried going to sleep yet but my ankle is already flaring up so I doubt I will sleep in the next few hours anyway. My groceries came. They didn’t have all my powerade that I ordered. That was fine. I have enough to carry me through till the next month. It’s not summer anymore so I shouldn’t be going through it like I was. I finagled the fridge to accommodate the juice and my mother finagled the freezer to fit my tater tots. I had to make a few trips up and down the stairs because the guy forgot to deliver the water and for some reason, wouldn’t shut the doors. That part annoys me because the least they can do is shut them on their way out.

This cold is really kicking my ass, so you would think that I would be sleeping. I had to use some Flonase to keep my nasal passages open and to possibly help the running nose. I also took some Vitamin D to help my immunity with this respiratory virus. I really don’t want it in my lungs. Bronchitis sucks when you have a bad back.

My sister made a turkey soup with the left over turkey meat. It was really good. It was the only sustenance I have had all day, other than pudding pie. Tomorrow, I am going to work on the custard pie and eat my cranberry cake with coffee. Who needs real food with all these yummy desserts? I forgot to delete the cranberries from my grocery list so now I need a recipe for muffins or cake or something to do with them. I love my Nantucket cake but there is only so much love and I am the only one that eats it so I need to find something else to do with the cranberries. I put the bag in the freezer for now. I still have half a bag left from the cake I made. Too much cranberries.

I’ve had a mild headache for most of the day. I took some ibuprofen to quiet it down but it’s still there. I hope it’s not a prelude to a fever coming on. I really hate being sick with a virus that I just have to wait till it passes its course. It’s just so annoying because there is nothing to ease it really.

The pain in my foot and ankle is just gnawing at me. My defenses are down because of this cold and this pain is just pushing me to the limit of my patience. Not what I need when I am in a suicidal state of mind. This week is going to be hard. It will be the only week that I have to really end my life before the holidays. I will feel like a wimp if I don’t try. I am tired of fighting this battle day in and day out. It’s more than just fatigue and exhaustion. It’s downright depletion of everything that I have in me. Just a few more days to try my experiment and see if I can leave this world.

cold and shitty weather

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Cold and shitty weather

It’s raining today. I am glad because the weatherman said we were supposed to get snow. I am feeling like crap. I slept for most of the day, until I had a bad dream and then my sister fake called me. The phone rang. I picked up but no one was there. It’s only day 1 of this stupid cold and I hate it already. I want it to go away, now. My nose won’t stop running or being stuffy. There is no in between.

I was supposed to call my psychiatrist today but decided not to because I am feeling crappy. I sent her the blog I wrote yesterday about Thanksgiving. I said I was going to anyways. If I felt better, I would go to the pharmacy to pick up my scripts. But it’s kind of nasty out so forget it.

I got a text giving me a window for my grocery delivery. It’s coming late. All I want to do is sleep. I don’t even want to put away the damn groceries. I have no fucking energy. Just thinking about it makes me want to hide under the covers. All I had to eat today was pudding pie. I think that is going to be my dinner as well. I really don’t want real food, though I might make some soup later.

I don’t know where I picked up this stupid cold. Only person that has been sick near me is my crazy aunt. I saw her two weeks ago for my sister’s birthday party. She wasn’t feeling good then. Damn bitch. She should have stayed home.

After I made a cup of tea and had my pie, I went up to my room. I started playing on my laptop and then my foot exploded. Fuck. Seriously? I haven’t done a damn thing all day. I took one pain pill because I didn’t want to be drugged when my grocery comes. It would be very bad if I slept through the text saying they were here. I hope the rain stops by then. I bought some ground beef so I can make a shepard’s pie this weekend. I haven’t made it in so long. I usually end up eating the whole thing by myself over the course of a couple days. My mother doesn’t like it. My niece might have some as she likes it.

If I feel up to it tomorrow, I will page my psych. I really just want to touch base with her. I see her next week, least I hope to. I just hope this cold doesn’t get worse or my throat gets affected. It really sucks when you live with a deaf person and you have a sore throat. The last time I was sick with a sore throat I ended up with laryngitis because I was yelling for her to hear me. And she wouldn’t fucking take me writing on shit. She wanted to test my vocals. Bitch.

Monday I have the appointment with my repro endo doc at the fucking crack of dawn (0830). I will have to leave my house at 0700 so I can get my coffee and possibly write, though I doubt it. I am not a morning person so I will probably just have my coffee and breakfast. I will bring my bag with me just in case I want to write after the appointment. I hope this dumb cold is gone by then, but probably not. If I don’t write, I will just come home and sleep. I just hope I don’t have Painsomnia the night before. That will suck.

Nebraska is playing Iowa right now. If I felt up to it, I would be watching the game. It’s kind of weird they are playing on a Friday. Tomorrow, OSU plays Michigan, a rival team. I found one of my Twitter buddies love OSU and I am happy about that. Now we can talk football in addition to our chronic pain. Through one of my other Twitter buddies, I found a chronic pain/illness support chat. I never seem to catch it when it starts. I will have to ask my OSU Twitter friend when it is so I can participate more. It would be nice to build a support group.