Category: mood disorders

Wicked Humid Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Wicked Humid Friday

The heat index is somewhere around a 100 today, I am sure of it, if not more. Despite a thunderstorm that passed through and dropped the temp to a mere 82 degrees, the humidity is still high. I had soda on my back porch and when I got them to refrigerate them, they were so damn warm. I moved them to my cooler office so they don’t explode.

I went to my appointment this morning, which was a challenge as I didn’t sleep very well. I went to bed or tried to go to bed around 0100 but woke up two hours later. I took an Ativan and tried to go back to sleep. An hour later, I fell asleep only to be woken up three hours later by my alarm clock. I made the 0822 bus, but just barely. I almost got on the wrong bus I was so tired. That would not have been good.

My appointment went okay, though for some reason my medication that I needed to be refilled was no longer on my medication list so had to be added again. Every month I get the same script and there have been no problems. Now it’s a problem because of the lovely new system. Some system this is. No wonder doctors are leaving left and right.

I went and filled my prescription. I wanted to get hamburgers for my lunch and dinner but the bus was coming soon and I didn’t want to wait an hour for the next one. As I was leaving Walgreens, I was looking at what they had for food and saw they had my Ball Park hot dogs! It made my day as now I didn’t have to go to the grocery store to get them.

I got home and I was soaking wet with sweat. If the outside heat index was a 100, my house was 200. YUCK. I quickly changed out of my wet clothing and dried off in my AC’d room. I didn’t feel like cooking and I was kind of wicked tired so I just took a nap.

While I was at my appointment, I told her of the pain I was in and that I wasn’t going to do PT. She didn’t argue with me and I told her I found some exercises on the internet that seem to help me, when I do them. I told her my pain was too great and there was no way I was going to be traveling in this heat. It’s just too much for me. I didn’t tell her about my mood and she didn’t ask. I told her my psych team was basically on vacation, least until Monday when my psychiatrist comes back. I might page her because I was really agitated when I came home for some reason. I had to take a trilafon. Whether or not that contributed to me taking a nap, I don’t really care.

I really wanted to read but I had no time. I barely had time for a sandwich at Starbucks before I had to take a train to my appointment. I had 5 shots espresso and I was still tired. I have no idea when I am going to read Adler. It’s the weekend and I hate going to the Square because there is hardly any seats unless you go early and my early tends to be later than everyone else’s. I still have coffee for home, though I am running low on half and half. I just hope it lasts me until my next grocery order in a couple weeks.

I am kind of in a reading mood right now so maybe I will give Adler a shot. The nap kind of gave me energy so that is good. I might have a cup of coffee as it’s still early enough to have one and if it keeps me up, so be it. I have nothing important to do tomorrow, except blog writing.

Can I go to sleep now?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Can I go to sleep now?

Sox game just ended. I was pissed off because they lost to NY AFTER they had the lead. Ziegler sucks. This is the second game in a row they lost. So I was a bit steamed but I couldn’t go to sleep right away. So now I have writing on my mind and felt the need to blog about it.

I read the stone book. It talked about organizing ideas and after I finish my Adler chapter (which I didn’t read today), I will start with my book, reading the first chapter and seeing where I can organize it better. There is a part about cutting that I just threw in there and it’s graphic though not descriptive of cutting. I didn’t like it when I read it after I let it stew for a couple of months but my therapist said to keep it because she doesn’t like to throw things away. I can only imagine what her house must look like if she is a hoarder. So I kept this piece of shitty writing even though it has little to nothing to do with the rest of the piece. It only bothers me because I feel there should be a trigger warning on the chapter because of the cutting nature. And to avoid the warning, I feel I should just take out those shitty paragraphs.

After all the writing in this stone book, there are exercises. The last exercise I read was of cutting up sentences and sorting them differently. Sounded like something that the place I used to go to for writing used. Anyway, the writer said that if you cannot do this exercise, you might as well throw away your computer and go to another profession. I already think this writer is a quack so I am not holding him to what he says. I will just file it in the back of my memory banks and when I am working on my book, I will open these files up and see where it takes me.

I am VERY tired but I can’t sleep because I so want to open the file and do some work on my writing but I need to get up early in the morning for my pain management appointment. I need to leave the house by 0822. Yuck. It’s the first time I have had to get up early in a while.

My therapist is officially on vacation for the next two weeks. What is interesting is that a psychotherapist followed me on twitter about maybe three months ago. He is in his 70s and wants to share his work with like minded therapists because he feels it is important. I thought he was a cuck but there is some merit to what he is talking about. I haven’t engaged him on Twitter. I have no idea if he would be inclined to be in touch with the suicidology clinicians that I know on Twitter. Why he is following me, I have no fricken clue as I am far from being a therapist.

Okay thank you Blogworld. My brain is out of ideas on what else to write tonight so I will check back with you all tomorrow.

Lazy Thursday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Lazy Thursday

For the first time all week, I didn’t wake up in pain. My ankle is throbbing but it’s minimal. I haven’t done anything but stay on my bed. I did make coffee before I decided to go back to my room. Only time I have left was to eat. My mother made eggplant and zucchini. It was really good. I had made a turkey bacon sandwich so I think I won’t be eating anymore.

I called the PT place and cancelled my appointments. Tomorrow is going to be one hell of a hot day like today is. I plan on showering tonight and then showering when I get home from my NP appointment tomorrow. I will need it. While I am in the Square, I plan on picking up some hamburgers. That will be my meals for the weekend. I get to go to Starbucks too. I think I will have a cold brew vanilla sweet cream coffee rather than espresso. It’s been a while since I last had one.

I haven’t done any reading today but I think I might tackle Adler. I haven’t read the chapter all week and I feel kind of bad because I am on a deadline. I would love to get through it this weekend so I have time to ponder the questions for my review. I wound up reading three chapters about fieldstones. It’s starting to make sense but it’s still annoying because every paragraph has the word “stone” or “stones” in it.

Frustrated and worthless

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I had therapy today. We talked about my suicidality and the whole burden of being in pain every single day. I told her I just feel frustrated and worthless. I also told her that the voices have been telling me to die. That lead to a conversation about how much trilafon am I taking and I told her I was rationing it because I will run out if I take more than two a day, least until my psychiatrist is back from vacation. She nearly had a stroke when I told her. I don’t really care. I told her she should just dump me and she said no. She wanted my assurance that I wouldn’t kill myself while she was away and I said “yea”. That was all I could muster.

The session took a lot out of me. I pretty much just took my pain meds and slept the rest of the afternoon. Seems to be my new normal now. It was raining fairly heavily for most of the day so I didn’t venture out. My ankle was killing me anyways. I just gave up and let the pain meds take me to Morpheus. I had a dream about my father. We were at the hospital and then he disappeared on me. When I found him, he was sitting next to my mother. Odd. I don’t remember her being at the hospital but anyways, I found him. I was really late for my appointment because of him going missing on me. Then he had to go to the bathroom so I took him. Then I woke up. This has to be the third or fourth dream I have had of my father since he died.

I still am feeling suicidal and my therapist brought up that I should probably go to the hospital if the voices are out of control. She didn’t get that I don’t fucking care anymore. I just want to die and have this so called life over with. I didn’t tell her my plans, though I stupidly admitted I had one. I am glad she is on vacation for the next two weeks. She does want me to write to her in some form while she is gone. Maybe send her a blog or two to read when she comes back. Yea, she will not read it so I am not going to send it. While I was cleaning out my “junk” hamper, I found a notebook that said “Bozo letters” and the date. I might write in that and then when I see her the end of the month, give it to her. I forgot I started it three years ago. I think the intention was to write in the notebook and then mail it to her as I wasn’t seeing her in person at the time. How I would get the notebook back, I never quite worked out.

Sometime this week I need to change my sheets again. And again I have a pile of shit on the corner of my bed. I don’t know how stuff accumulates there. It’s not office stuff. That stuff is near me at all times. It’s just a pile of prescription receipts that need to be shredded and other pieces of mail.

The PT place called this afternoon to remind me I have the appointment on Friday. I had every intention of calling back and canceling but my sleep overtook the afternoon. Now it’s too late and I need to call tomorrow morning. I just hope I am up in the morning. My track record for being up before 10 or 11 hasn’t been good lately. I didn’t even make coffee today, I was so tired. I didn’t go to sleep till around 0400. I just couldn’t sleep last night. Pain was just too bad.