Category: mood disorders

Saturday Blog 58

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 58

I woke up late but not in pain. I didn’t sleep well as I woke up two to three times during the night. I made coffee around 1230 and immediately wanted to go back to sleep. It was like drinking a sleeping potion. I was so tired that I didn’t make something to eat. I waited a couple of hours and then decided to make the filet mignon that I had. It was gross. I don’t know if I cooked it wrong or not but it tasted really bad. I had to throw it away. So I ordered Chinese for supper. I liked that.

After supper, I had to take a nap. There was no way I could keep my eyes open. I was just so tired for whatever reason. So I had a two hour or so nap. My ankle is finally feeling better so I haven’t been taking any pain meds today. I don’t know why I am so bloody tired. Even after the nap, I just wanted to go back to sleep.

If I didn’t wake up so late, I would have gone to Starbucks today. But I knew the place would be packed if I went after 12. I did some reading today and realized I am almost done with Cuckoo’s Calling. I should be done with it later tonight or tomorrow, the latest. What I will read is a guessing game because I have so many books to read.

I have been taking the lower dose of trilafon. I haven’t been needing it during the day so I just been taking it before bed when the voices are apt to be more rowdy. I hate the juggling act that I am doing to keep things at bay. Between my physical pain and my psychotic symptoms, it’s a real struggle. The chronicity of it is what has been getting me down. That I have to deal with one or the other or both every single day just gets to you after a while. You feel like you have no escape from the illness. It has you in your clutches and it is not going to let you go. It sucks.

It’s Friday, not Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

It’s Friday, not Saturday

After my third nap today, I could have sworn it was Saturday. I had to look at my phone to see what day it is. It was Friday. And it was well after 1700 so I didn’t want to page my psychiatrist. She is going on vacation next two weeks. I am to email her with any problems as her pager is being signed out to another clinician.

I realized now that I am awake that I missed taking my afternoon dose of trilafon. I took it now as I am a little on edge with the voices being rowdy. I did take a shower tonight and brushed my teeth. I have been bad about doing both on a regular basis. I usually do try to remember to brush after my morning pee but sometimes it just doesn’t happen.

Because I have been sleeping so much the past few days, I am a little disoriented as to what the hell day it is. Pain flare ups always do this to me. It didn’t help that I was in the middle of a dream when my fucking crazy cousin called me for the third time today. I just don’t feel like talking to him so I let the phone go to voicemail. He really disrupted my sleeping today because he kept calling. Totally pissed me off.

I finally read a couple of chapters of Cuckoo’s Calling. I really want to get through this book by the weekend so I can start another book. I haven’t gone back to Dostoevsky in a while. I should read some more of that book. I really wanted to finish it by summer’s end and it’s almost August. Monday I will be going to Harvard Square to get another book. It’s Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. It’s basically the script of the play they had in London. I am a HUGE Harry Potter fan so I have to have this book for my collection.

Tomorrow, if I am not in pain and if I wake up early, I plan on going to the Square to read a chapter I promised someone that I would read. It’s 62 pages and I need to have it read and critiqued it by Aug 22nd. I thought I had till October but I read the email wrong. It’s a chapter on the Alderian theory. I have no clue about it, which is why I picked it. I hope to learn from it.

My pain levels have been up and down the past couple of hours. It’s tolerable but I still don’t like it. It’s still making me very uneasy. And I still want to take my life because of it. I just honestly, don’t give a shit anymore. I still wonder if I would be able to take my pills and end my life. It will be a long period to wait till the pills work. And the place that I have picked out wouldn’t be a comfortable place to lay back and wait. I just hope there isn’t people around me when this is happening as it will be a public place. I just don’t want to fail again. That would be worse than dying. Other than my blog, there really isn’t anyone I can talk to about this kind of agony. If I talk to my psychiatrist, I might get hospitalized. If I talk to my therapist, it will just be analyzed and stored but not discussed openly. I can’t talk to a family member because they just want to “cure” me of my ailment, that I should see another doctor that might help me. Or go back to the one I see for more treatment, like they have to have some magical cure.

Don’t get me wrong, the meds that I take for my pain are adequate. They work as long as I take them. But it’s the taking them night after night after night that is what’s bothering me. The pain is relentless. It doesn’t matter what I do or don’t do anymore, I just hurt. And I am tired of hurting for no reason.

another day by the wayside

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another day by the wayside

It’s been a tough night and morning. I woke up again in pain and said fuck it. I’m not going out. We were supposed to get rain but it doesn’t look like a drop fell. I took my pills and rolled over to sleep again. Then I did the same thing a few hours ago. Seems the pills wear off and then I wake up in pain. I hate my life.

I really had wanted to go to Starbucks today. I probably could have suffered through and made it like I usually do but my resistance is down and my tolerance for pain is at an all time low. I need to get my haircut, which I was hoping to be today. It wasn’t in the cards. I am feeling really low. I have thought about calling my psychiatrist but I feel there is nothing she can do to help me so why bother. It’s another hot and humid day despite the temps being near 80 degrees. It’s a small reprieve from the 90 degree weather we have been having.

My mother didn’t want me to turn the oven on to make my steak. It was only going to be on broil for a little while rather than actually turning the oven on. It was a huge piece of steak so I doubt I will be eating anything else today. My mother had cooked some veggies so I had some of that as well.

I really need to shower today as I am feeling gross. But it’s going to be tricky with my ankle not liking me to be standing. I will have to take some more pain meds and then when they kick in, shower. It’s the only way to do it.

I might make coffee in a little while. My brain has cobwebs in it from all the pain meds I have been taking. I haven’t been taking more than I usually take but between the sleeping and pain, I just feel groggy. If I went to Starbucks, I think I would have had 5 shots of espresso with soy milk. I had 4 the other day and it didn’t do much for me.

Despite a low interest in the book “The Cuckoo’s Calling”, I keep reading it. It hasn’t gotten interesting at all. No drama or action. A pretty boring book. I am disappointed. I just bought another SE Hinton book, That was then, this is now. It’s her second book that she wrote. I plan on reading it after Cuckoo. It’s a short book so shouldn’t take me long.

Bad day of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Bad day of pain

I woke up this morning in pain so I pretty much took some pain meds and rolled over to go back to sleep. I was disgusted. My therapist thought she would have time for me today but she didn’t. She had to reschedule our appointment for Tuesday so I am talking with her Monday instead.

While I was sleeping, my psychiatrist emailed me back. I sent her the latest blog post about my near suicidal episode the other night. She thanked me for letting her know. I feel like calling her now because I am so agitated because all I did was make myself something to eat (I haven’t eaten anything all day) and now I am in serious pain. It’s like I have been on my feet all day when in truth, I just been in bed. I am so fed up.

My tolerance to pain has been running thin lately and I don’t know why. It’s the same pain that I deal with constantly. It’s not worse. It’s not that severe. I just have this throbbing in my ankle that just won’t go away and I just can’t stand it any longer. I really just want to die because it’s just ridiculous that all I did was make myself some ribs and my ankle didn’t like it. All I did was put them in the oven. Granted the kitchen was really hot even before I turned the oven on. I think the heat might be affecting my mood by now as it’s been 90 or higher nearly every day the past week.

I feel like I have been trapped in my room because of the heat. I try to do things that don’t involve me standing or sitting too long. When I am in my room, I have my leg propped up so it’s not hanging down all the time. But I don’t know what to do anymore. I am going insane. I just want to cry and last night when I was writing the blog about my suicidality and chronic pain, I was crying a little bit. I was just so frustrated. My room is the only place in the house that has AC other than my sister’s apartment. But that would mean going down the stairs and I don’t think my ankle will like that much. It’s bad enough I went up and down to cool off while the ribs were cooking. I still need to marinate my steak so I can grill it. I bought two nice pieces of steak, one is a filet mignon. It doesn’t really look like it but it says that it is so I am going with it. My mother is arguing with me about the price of the pork chops. She doesn’t want me to buy meat from Peapod anymore. She thinks I paid too much for it per pound. I paid $7 for about 6-8 pieces of pork chops. It was supposed to be $1.99/lb. I don’t know. I won’t buy her stuff anymore. If she knew what I paid for the ribs she would kill me.

I think I am going to page my psychiatrist to talk with her tonight. I am feeling out of sorts and I just want a check in with her. I just need someone to talk to about my pain that will understand and not give me a lecture about what I should or shouldn’t be doing. I have been so tearful lately that it’s been so difficult to keep my emotions in check. I am not a cryer by any means. It takes a hell of a lot for me to cry. But I am at my wits end right now with all this pain. The meds help, they really do but usually I have a break for at least 24 hours and I just haven’t had that break. I have been in pain all week and most of the time my pain is at night. I just can’t stand it anymore, hence why I have been thinking of killing myself, again.

Meds are kicking in so I will stop here for now. Thanks for reading.