Category: suicide attempt

Saturday Blog 75

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Saturday Blog 75

I just had a frustrating conversation with my mother. She wants me to go to a specific hospital because they are “bone specialists”. I told her I went there before and they didn’t help me. She thought I was bullshitting her. I am so fucking mad. She doesn’t understand this is a pain syndrome and nothing can be done for it. Then my sister says I should walk more. Really?? I can barely make it to Walgreens and back without problems during a flare up and that is a SHORT fucking walk. So glad I have such a supportive family.

I finally took a shower at like 5 this morning. I was up and pain was minimal so I took a quick one. I went back to sleep for a few hours after taking some Neurontin. I tried to sleep it off but it wasn’t going to happen. I made coffee and had some muffins my mother made for breakfast. I felt like I was drunk and I have been up since. Then my ankle flared up again so I had to take the strong pain pills. I didn’t want to because it was early in the day but I was in severe pain. Then my leg started cramping which set off my PTSD anxiety. Just fucking lovely. I had to take an Ativan to calm down. I still haven’t taken a damn nap though I want to so bad. I got a migraine that is killing me and I won’t be taking the Zoloft again tonight. I can’t take it because there could be an interaction with my migraine meds.

I am so damn frustrated and just want to die. I was writing in my journal last night till around 3 in the morning. I wrote my frustration of not being able to make an attempt last week because I wasn’t sure if the pills were going to kill me or just make me sick. I was suicidal again last night as I was writing and then I wrote an angry rant to my psychiatrist that I wrote in my journal. It had a little more to it as I wrote more as I was writing it out. Then I tweeted what I wrote but didn’t allow it to be posted to Facebook. I didn’t want my family to read what I posted. Not that they would as it was so early in the morning but I didn’t want someone calling my sister telling them I was suicidal again. I still don’t know what “friend” called my sister that time I was posting Pearl Jam lyrics. Pisses me off that they would go through her rather than talk to ME directly.

I wanted to contact my psych today but I don’t want to bother her. She has a three day weekend so I don’t want to disturb her. It would just be a check in but I am not feeling like talking after the frustration of my family. I still so want to attempt to kill myself but I don’t have the means and that frustrates me. Maybe I will go to a state that sells firearms without a background check or is willing to sell firearms to mentally ill people as they are revoking that background check, thank you, Congress! Not that I know how to operate a firearm, but I am sure I can get instructions. If a toddler can fire one, I am sure I can.

I’m ordering pizza and fries for dinner tonight. I have been craving pizza all day. I’m getting hungry just thinking about it. I blame all the Neurontin that I have been taking for these cravings. My vision is starting to be affected because of the migraine so I will stop here.

freezing out but my room is a sauna

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Freezing out but my room is a sauna

It’s 10 degrees out or there abouts. I had to turn down the heat because my room is so damn hot. I can’t stand the heat. I am grateful for it but I rather be cold. It is what I grew up with as my room didn’t have a radiator. I had to have multiple blankets on me to keep warm during the winter. I didn’t mind. I liked it.

I can’t sleep mostly because of pain. I had a study interview today about chronic pain. It went well, though we went over the time by a half hour. I didn’t mind. It was good talking to someone about my pain. They wanted to know more about my use of social media and how I talk about my pain and so I told her. It was a good interview. I hope they learn what ever it is they are trying to learn.

I am really tired but I just can’t sleep because of the heat and pain. My foot is killing me. I had to have something to eat so I went downstairs. That aggravated my foot. Then I went back up the stairs which didn’t help matters. I took another pain pill hoping to speed up the other two that I took. Lately, the regular pain meds are having no effect on me as they don’t make me sleepy anymore. It still works for my pain but it seems that it takes longer to do so. I am worried now that I am tolerant to the meds and need to find something else.

I went to bed around midnight and it’s still hot in my room, despite lowering the heat. I didn’t lower it too much, just one degree. I fell asleep and just woke up now, 6 hours later. That must be the latest I have slept in a while. I am not going to go back to sleep because I need to leave the house around 0850. I might take a shower, though I am really not wanting to. It’s going to be freezing in the bathroom as there is no heat so I will take it tomorrow when the temps are below 20 degrees. It’s 12 degrees right now. I still haven’t decided if I am going to wear my long johns or not with my jeans or sweat pants. I haven’t decided what I am going to wear. These decisions are always hard for me.

I might make a cup of tea just so that I have a little caffeine on board. Think Earl Grey would be nice. I haven’t had that in a while. I still have to pack my bag for the hospital. I have decided to use my suitcase so I need to transfer every thing from my backpack to it. Then I need to stuff my blanket in. I think I will put the blanket in first and then put the clothes on top of that. I might be snowing on Monday so I think a suitcase would be better for my travels than my backpack and bag. I still will take a backpack for my journal and coloring books. That might kill some time while I am there and don’t want to go to group or something.

Today would have been the day I would try to kill myself. I feel defeated that my plan didn’t work out and that it would just make me sick rather than kill me. I hated when I have botched plans. It really sucks. I just feel like a loser. Now I got to figure out another way to die and hope I succeed.

I have thought about getting a haircut but I am getting low on funds and it’s going to be two weeks before I get paid again. I still need to pay for my prescription that I will be picking up today. And I need a refill on my Neurontin as I am running low. I need to email my neurologist to get that script because my PCP’s office won’t prescribe it to me. Ridiculous. I hope she will allow me to take 1200 mg at night as I have been taking that to help with the burning pain. It seems to work at least 24 hours so I have good coverage. Some nights I don’t need to take it because it’s not every night that I have the pain.

As I prepare for my hospital admission, I got to take my meds with me because I don’t want to take a million pills. I also need to fill out my medication list and how I take my meds because I don’t want there to be a hassle with my pain meds. I really wish the doc wrote that I take 2 tabs every 6 hours rather than 1 tab every 4. 1 tab doesn’t do shit for me. We’ll see how the docs at the hospital decide to write the order. They all have the same computer system now so it’s going to be difficult to get my meds the way I take them. It’s so frustrating. I’ll also have to prepare for taking my psych meds differently than what I take them at home. Man this is going to be so annoying. I am going to be a zombie in the morning and a night owl at night. Not looking forward to this at all. I am going to ask my psych today when I see her if I really need to go in or not. I know I am still feeling suicidal and the hospital will be a respite from my urges, but I just hate the medication piece of the puzzle. It always gets fucked up. And it’s frustrating to fix because I usually have to wait 24 hours for the changes to occur. Annoying!!

grumpy mood and irritable

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Grumpy mood and irritable

I woke up late and barely had time to catch the bus for my psych appointment. I was not happy that I slept so late. That started my day off to a bad start. Then after I finished putting my brace on, I realized I forgot my jacket in my office. I had to go up the stairs to get it. While going down the stairs to leave the house, my ankle freaks out. That put me in a better mood. NOT. I took a pain pill before leaving my room so I couldn’t take another pill until later.

I was hoping to get coffee before my appointment. Everything annoyed me today. There were four fucking strollers on the bus. Two Arabic women speaking their language, one at one end of the bus, the other at the other end. I just wanted them to shut the fuck up. There was no reason for them to be shouting. Whatever it is, it could wait till they were off the damn bus. Then one of the kids started crying. I just wanted off the damned bus. I got my coffee and my favorite person at Starbucks didn’t charge me for my espresso. I was happy. It was the only good thing that happened today.

I met with my psych. She was concerned about me, not like I haven’t given her reason to be. I told her my plan was off the table unless I found another lethal method. She wanted to discuss things if I did find one. I said ok. We talked about the new therapist that I could be seeing. I will call her on Monday to see how it goes. I hope she is taking new clients. I will be really sad if she isn’t taking them. Then we talked about my therapist that I will be ending soon. I told her I was putting an end to it as my therapist won’t. And I won’t have the stupid termination sessions that she wants. That just makes it harder. Fuck her anyways for not setting up a therapist for me before she decided to make things monthly. I am still pissed off at her for doing this so now Wednesday will be our final session, I don’t fucking care. She is not talking me into another one no matter how much she begs.

My psychiatrist wants to see me next week. I told her I would probably go into the hospital the following Monday. I just feel so defeated that I can’t kill myself. I am such an idiot. We talked about books that I have been reading. I might take a Neil Gaiman book in the hospital with me. I still have a bag that is packed. Now I just have to have some excuse for my family when I go in.

My ankle is really sore and I don’t think my regular pain meds are going to work. I might have to take the strong pain pill. I wanted to shower today but it’s not in the cards. I also wanted to take my nieces out for dinner Sunday. Those plans are tentative right now. Course, the way I feel right now, I just want to nix the whole idea and make it some other time. I really don’t want to be away from my bed with my ankle hurting me the way it is right now. I am in a terrible mood and really just want to fucking die. Sometimes I wish just by wishing it, it could come true. Takes the whole suicide thing to a new level.

I really am tired of being in pain all the fucking time. Being in this much pain this early in the day is not a good thing. I am basically stuck on my bed. I hope I don’t have to use the bathroom because that will just increase my pain as I need to go up and down stairs. I really hate what my life has become. Maybe if I save enough money I can hire someone to kill me.

fucking pissed off with good reason

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Fucking pissed off with good reason

So I planned my death, went through the motions, prepared my will (still not finalized), bought my meds that I need, and then today I double checked the research. The med I thought would kill me even at the dose on some end of life website, was wrong. I would get very sick but not die. Fucking great. I am glad I am find this out now and now on my date that I planned on taking my life because waking up in the ICU or the next morning would anger me more. So the plans are off. Unless I can get a sharp fucking knife to stab myself to sever arteries, which I don’t think I have the guts to do.

I am beyond bullshit. But I know some of you are thankful for not going ahead with my stupid plan. But let me have my pity party because I wanted to end my life. I thought about this for over a month and now it’s crushed out like the butt end of a cigarette. I might still OD on something on my date, not enough to kill me but enough to knock me out for a few hours.

I get to return the pills I bought because I didn’t think I had enough. Least I will get some money back. I can’t get the other box refunded because I already disposed of evidence. So now I don’t know what to do with myself. I hate myself for being a fool. I have no therapist I can vent to about this, just my stinking blog. I don’t know who reads this pile of dung anymore. I am kind of tripping on pain meds right now so please forgive the idiocy of my comments. They are more directed towards me and my shitty writing than you, the readers who I know are good people.

Now I get to live my life in pain, isn’t that just wonderful? It’s a gas. I had to take the strong pain pill early tonight because the pain was so bad and I couldn’t take my regular pain meds yet because it was too early. There has to be a better way to manage. I am seriously contemplating asking my doc for the $60/month pain pill that might help me. It might cause other problems like the strong pain pill does but at least I will get longer pain relief than a few hours here and there. This expensive pain pill is supposed to last 12 hours. It would be perfect for the night time hours because then I wouldn’t have to wake up at 3 in the morning to take another dose of meds because they wore off. Or wake up in severe pain at god knows what hour because my meds have wore off. It would certainly help my PTSD anxiety if I wasn’t in agony all the time. And most of the time it’s the anxiety keeping me up more than the pain.

So, readers, you get more blogs until I figure out a better way to end my life or I decide to actually live life, which I doubt. Thank you for reading.