Category: suicide

surviving depression 23 June 2006

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

June 23, 2006

I know what you are going through. Sometimes I think that everyone would be better off without me. The only thing that is keeping me alive these days is my word to my therapist that I won’t go through with my thoughts. The pain of living is just too much to bare right now. My therapist often asks me how I get through this. There is a quote that I keep telling her that I got from one of Kay Redfield Jamison’s book, “Only one option left, to suffer”. She is my inspiration as she has bipolar disorder, tried to die by suicide, and is one of the leading researchers/teachers of the disorder. I know it doesn’t make sense to suffer all the time but millions of people out there do it everyday. We few that are in this group do it every day, though it is most difficult and we come from different backgrounds and sections of the world. I know it sucks, but the trick is to realize when we feel this way, it is NOT our true selves, it is the disorder that is talking. I know we all feel like scum of the earth for no reason other than for being allowed to breathe, to be something called alive that we wish we didn’t have to be. One reason why I have read so much about depression and there are a lot of good books out there, is that you have to know the disorder, understand it, then you can know what to do, sometimes when it isn’t hitting you on the head with a 60 lb hammer. Sometimes knowing the demons is better than not knowing them. I know that it isn’t always easy when our physical bodies wreck our lives and we are no longer feel apart of the human race because our b&b are not functioning and we have physical pain that is driving us insane. But things aren’t always going to be this way. One of the books that I had read said that suicide is complete in 10 minutes and if you wait out those ten mins, you will survive. The same thing goes for depression. Though instead of 10 mins, it’s more like 10 days or more. But it doesn’t last. Eventually it lifts, and we return to “normal” functioning until the next episode. The HARDEST part of this fucking disorder is that we forget that we have survived the worse of it. Every time we are stuck in an episode, we think it is for the first time, that we are NEVER going to feel better, ever. I am telling you that you are. No matter how hopeless you feel right now, tomorrow might be a better day and if it is not, least you survived today. Worry about tomorrow, tomorrow I’ll be here for you. Count on it.

About the mood stabilizers, I suffer from bipolar depression, which is a little different than major depression. I sometimes have periods where I am really hyper, don’t sleep, eat, think I am on top of the world, talk excessively, and can’t stand still. These periods don’t last too long, maybe a week or two, then I either have a period of being normal and/or crash big time. I take Trileptal for it and it has helped some with the Cymbalta. Trileptal is an anti-convulsant that is used a “mood stabilizer”. There are other drugs that are used, but you should be seen by a psychiatrist for evaluation. Most GP’s don’t have a clue about psychotropic meds and it isn’t a good idea for them to play around with it if you don’t have the diagnosis.

Fear of suicide (revision to blog of 6 Feb 2013)

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Fear of suicide.

This statement can be taken one of two ways. The first is that some people are afraid to talk about suicide for fear of sparking ideation or thinking about suicide. The second is that when
someone knows you are feeling low and have attempted before, they are afraid of losing that person and react in ways that may or may not help that person. Suicide attempters are at higher risk than non-attempters.

I’ll talk about the second interpretation first. I have a friend who is having me motivate her into
writing by having me contact her every day for six weeks. What sparked this was, she read my blog about my recent near-suicide attempt. Now her ulterior motive is to keep me alive the only way she can think of, by having me write to her every day. In return, she has to write at least two pages a day for her own well-being. She needs my help to pursue her writing, which is important to her more than anything. We are also guarding a human connection that is valuable to us. My writing keeps me alive, and because she doesn’t want to let me down, that helps her to write. She has this idea that people need human connection in order to stay connected to what they truly need to do, even if that connection is between polar opposites. She is bubbly and athletic, a motivational speaker, while I’m someone who is in chronic pain and disabled because of it.

I have to say that since I have been writing, I have been in better space. I would not say that I feel more connected, but I don’t want to let her down, so I try and write a little each day. Our rules are to email each other when we are done, and we are allowed our birthdays and Christmas off. For days where it is not possible for me to write because of whatever reason, we have given each other three passes on writing. Sometimes, because my pain or sleep deprivation is intolerable I find that it can help me be creative and write about things. I don’t have a censor when I write. Whatever I think at that moment, I write it out. Sometimes I find that writing it on paper helps more than writing in a word document.

I sometimes feel exposed because I am bearing my soul to this person I met through a friend on Facebook. We both belong to the same organization for suicide prevention. I am guessing that because she thinks of me as a sibling, and she did lose her sister to suicide many years ago, she does not want me to end up that way.

I write often because it is an outlet for me and my emotions. I am anonymous when it comes to my blog but not too much, as I pass these blogs on to my personal Facebook site, where my family members can have access to it if they were inclined to read it. Most often they do not because they are not online as much as my other friends are. I do not tell my family what I am doing. It would be heartbreaking and awkward for them to read what I write and then get asked at the dinner table what I meant by something I wrote. To be honest, half the stuff I write about, I forget. It’s an outlet like no other.

I am not going to lie and pretend that I don’t think about killing myself every day. It is a constant struggle, and I think that I worry a lot of my close friends who actually get to know me or who read my blogs about my struggles. But I think the reason why my blog has been so successful is because people can relate to what I write.

As far as the fear that talking about suicide can bring about a suicidal crisis, that is a common myth. Talking about suicide can actually prevent one, but some people are just not comfortable with the subject, and so they will say stuff that they think the person who is miserable wants to hear, like. “You have your life ahead of you,” “Don’t be so down, things could be worse,” or my favorite “You have so much to live for.”

People don’t understand the pain that is involved in depression or in thinking about suicide. I have problems. Quite a few. I have mental illness and chronic physical and mental pain. Both make me want to take my life. I have been thinking about taking my life since I was 8 years old. I was in a lot of pain for some reason or another, and it never got taken care of. Today, I think that pain stems from the fact that I am really a male and not a female. I knew at a young age that I was different, and back then, there was no expressing how I truly felt. I really think that if I had gotten help sooner, this would have come to light sooner, and I wouldn’t be in this pickle today about what to do with my transition.

I’ve started a new journal. And like every other journal before it, the first thing that goes into it is my crisis response plan which is the following (taken from the Air Force Guide to Managing Suicidal Behavior-Appendices)

When thinking about suicide, I agree to do the following:

Step 1: Try to identify my thoughts and specifically what’s upsetting me
Step 2: Write out and review more reasonable responses to my suicidal thoughts
Step 3: Do things that help me feel better for at least 30 minutes (examples can include trying to sleep, playing internet games, listening to music, etc.)
Step 4: Repeat all of the above
Step 5: If thoughts continue or get specific, and I find myself preparing to do something, I will call a suicide hotline or someone that I trust sometimes hotlines aren’t so helpful but calling a friend is
Step 6: If I cannot reach the above, I will call my therapist or psychiatrist
Step 7: If I am still feeling suicidal and I don’t feel like I can control my behavior, I will go to the ER or call 911

I have found having this useful when I have been hospitalized because it provides a plan of something that they need for discharge, and I always carry my journal.

Another twitter rant on suicidal thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Another twitter rant on suicidal thoughts

Severe pain is an apparent suicidal trigger for me as I am sure others with Chronic Pain are too. In that moment, you just want to die as you don’t know if relief is coming or not. With CRPS, pain changes. Bone pain could become foot pain. It is never ending. Suicidal thoughts are fluid in people with chronicity. I can feel it for a few minutes to hours to days. It just takes a spark to ignite. Add hopelessness and the longer it lasts. If I feel trapped, I start planning my death. Sometimes I will give myself a date. Having that date comforts me. I can act on that date if I am still as intensely suicidal as I was in the moment of planning my death. Otherwise, the day passes like an ordinary day. Tonight I just had the passing thoughts of death and intense feelings of Joiner’s interpersonal theory of burdonsomness, better off without me feelings. I still don’t know why I am still here. I don’t wish to be. Guess I am just a coward to act. I have felt intensely suicidal a lot. I’ve given myself so many dates it is not funny. I fantasize about my plans and going through with them. Yet I am still here. As long as I have the fantasy of death, it keeps me here. It is a great escape, especially when pain keeps you from moving. Hopelessness intensifies the suicidal feelings more than being depressed or sad. I don’t have to be depressed to think about killing myself.

suicidal triggers, how fast they come

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Suicidal triggers, how fast they come on

I’ve had a long day. I had appointments with my psychiatrist and therapist back to back. I left my house around 1130 and didn’t get home till around 1800. Meeting with my psych went well. She wants me to call her after my appt with the LBGT doc I see Friday. I had to laugh because she said it so eagerly. I told her I would page her when I got home that day. As I was leaving the building, I bumped into my former supervisor in the lab. We talked for a bit before going our separate ways. I told her to say hi to the folks in the lab for me, especially the other supervisor. I really miss being in the lab. It was my life for 14 years.

I was feeling kind of sore as I walked toward the station to go to my therapist’s office. I had to take a little break about half way there. I had been having dizzy spells on and off all day. I was making sure to keep hydrated today. My therapist and I had a good chat. We didn’t stay on any one topic for too long. I felt good after seeing him. I decided to go to Chipotle for dinner. I grabbed something then made my way home. The train was delayed at points, much to my annoyance, as I wanted to get home, eat, and then sleep. Finally got to my stop and I stood up. HOLY PAIN. My ankle scooping pain that I have been feeling for a week returned and felt like my ankle bone was going to pop. I swore as I hung on the railing to keep from falling. I limped to the escalator and the rest of the way through the station to get to the busway. My mood took a nosedive. My sister had texted me and I responded that I was on my way home and hurting. As I waited for the bus, I sat there pondering why I am still alive. What is the purpose of living if I am just going to be in fucking pain. I was so fed up. I felt like I was no good to my family. They would be better off without me. I felt such high despair it was unbearable. I didn’t let my sister know any of this. She said she hopes the pain settles and that she loves me. I responded thanks and love you too.

The bus came and it felt like forever getting to my stop, not like I was looking forward to getting off the bus. I had to walk 2.5 blocks to my house, which I knew would be in agony. I really just wanted to disappear forever. I slowly walked home, watching each step I took so I didn’t further hurt my aching ankle. I got to within a block from my house and I carefully watched my steps because last week I stepped on a rock that hurt my ankle. Luckily, there were no rocks in my path. I was starting to feel dizzy again. All I thought was please don’t let me pass out as I walked up the stairs.

I made it and I still was feeling lousy emotionally. I still wanted to die. I had my dinner, which was cold but I didn’t care. I listened to music as I ate. My mother came into the kitchen and moved my bags that I had on the table. I finished my dinner and threw out the bags. It was really painful to stand, let alone walk. My mother had done laundry but there was no way I could navigate carrying the clothes while holding onto the railing. They would have to wait. I went to my room and carefully changed into my pajamas. I opened the box that I had, the few things I had ordered from Amazon.

I kept on feeling off. I was feeling dizzy and panicky. I took an Ativan and some pain meds to try and calm things down. I took my pulse because I felt like my heart was palpitating. It was a slow beat, which was odd. I measured it with my phone and it was 58. I don’t ever have a slow pulse. Maybe that is why I feel so dizzy. I tried to take my blood pressure but the batteries on my monitor need to be replaced and I don’t have the batteries. I’ll have to get them tomorrow. That would explain things. I don’t think I will take my night time dose of blood pressure pills. With all the fluid that I drank today, my pulse should not be 58, especially after going up the stairs. I’ll be calling my PCP tomorrow to let him know this. He might want to lower my BP meds or something.