Category: suicide

Just a lazy Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Just a lazy Friday

I woke up around 8 this morning and used the bathroom. I then went back to sleep only to wake up around 1300. I made some coffee and reheated some Lo Mein. That was all that my foot needed to explode. I was going to make my pumpkin cake today but I am not, even though it’s an easy recipe. I just don’t want to exert myself and then be toast tomorrow. I really want to go to the party tomorrow night. I am just going to try and rest today and stay off my foot as much as possible.

It’s raining today so I guess that is a good thing as I planned on killing myself today. I guess my time isn’t up yet. I am feeling pretty sad at this and angry. My therapist texted me last night. I told her to give me one good reason why I shouldn’t kill myself and she gave me a couple. She said that I was worthwhile and valuable. Then the voices in my head started calling me a turd and a shithead. So I went to sleep with that in my head.

I wanted to work on my book but I am getting drowsy from the pain meds. I thought the coffee I had would offset the side effects but I was wrong. I don’t really care. I am listening to country radio and thinking of my friend. I feel sad knowing that she is gone. Her daughters are devastated. I can only imagine how her husband of 40 years feels. He is doing some running thing in DC. He is running in her honor.

I am feel really low. I also feel defeated, like something has been taken from me and I can’t get it back. I really don’t want to be anymore. If the weather was better, I might have still gone through with my plan. It just gives me another opportunity at another point in time. I feel risky because I can do it at any time. I don’t have to have a date. I just need to “snap” and have it be a nice day out. Of course, winter is on it’s way so there aren’t going to be that many nice days left. Birthday Month is coming up. I don’t know how I am going to handle all of this. I just don’t want to live anymore.

loss of a friend

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide

Loss of a friend

I found out tonight that a friend of mine died Tuesday. We don’t know how she died and she had been sick for a while. She was one of my CES buddies. I have known her since the early days of my diagnosis. It’s so sad that she is no longer with us. My friend in Canada is having a hard time with this. She and my friend were closer than I was to her. They talked all the time and had a lot in common. It’s a shock for all of us in the group. We have been through so much over the years. And now this. We have lost members in the past but this one is more personal because we all knew each other. Hell, back in 2001 there were only 25 of us with the diagnosis. Now it’s more than 100 x that, from around the world. And that is for those with internet capabilities at the time and currently. My blog “Knackered” gets read almost every day and it saddens me because I know another person has come down with this dreadful condition.

Those 25 members in the early days have moved on from the email support group and then we banded together when Facebook became popular. That is how most of us kept in touch with one another. Gone were the days of emails and now we had instant messaging and Private messages to keep us together. I still keep in touch with my friend in South Africa. Instead of emails, we now send PMs. It’s all the same thing, if you think about it. Just keeping in touch with one another is the important part.

Pain had shot up again with me tonight and I was once again thinking of ending my life. I texted my therapist but got no response. I don’t think she is in the office. I often wonder if my friends on Facebook would react the same way if they found out I had passed away. I came really close to ending my life this week, again. One of these days, I will go through with it, if I could ever get a hotel room and can get there. Mobility has been my hindrance these past few weeks.

therapy, groceries, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Therapy Groceries and other things

I had therapy today. We talked in depth about my suicidality. She reiterated that she cares for me and I could tell by her voice she wasn’t shitting me. I think she got all choked up when she thought she would have to inform my psychiatrist that I was gone. I would leave it up to the authorities to do that job. I am meeting with her in person tomorrow. I just got paid and after all is said and done, I am broke again.

She did most of the talking because her anxiety was up. We talked about my plan and she did talk me out of it. I told her I would get rid of the pills, but I am not going to. She might take the gun away (the plan) but I am keeping the bullets. Besides, there is no way I can walk to my destination so I need another one. Crisis averted. I feel like an asshole now.

After therapy, I had some of the left over Chinese food that I ordered. And then I left for the Square for Starbucks and a haircut. I was going to grow my hair out but I don’t have the patience. I am going to try and grow out the top a little bit so I can style it better. I am glad I have a good barber that I like and makes me feel comfortable. It’s easy talking to him about things.

I came home and I was exhausted. I didn’t think I would be able to stand putting my groceries away when they came. I don’t know how I managed but I did, but I had to take sitting breaks in between. I also had to take some stuff to the basement freezer as ours was just too crammed with stuff. I knew I would as I did order a lot of frozen items. And I found my sauce while I was down there! I was so happy. I thought my sister had swiped it from me. I will take that out Sunday and have it then or Monday, depending on how much thaws out.

I was going to make my pumpkin cake and a cranberry cake. Now, the way I feel, it is not happening. I bought a Boston coffee cake and I will take that to the party on Saturday. I need to rest because tomorrow I will be seeing my therapist so that needs a lot of spoons and frankly, just getting up uses quite a few and that doesn’t even include washing up and brushing my teeth. Some days it takes all I have to go to the bathroom. I try to do all the downstairs activities while I am there but lately, I just want to crawl back to bed and stay there for an eternity. If I do manage to go out, washing up and brushing my teeth doesn’t happen.

I haven’t had dinner yet. I have a burger that must be cooked or it will be wasted. But I am too tired to cook right now. I hope I have some energy Friday so maybe I can at least make the cranberry cake. I have been dying to make it for a week now. Only thing that I need to do tonight, other than eating, is taking a shower to wash my hair out. If I don’t have energy for the shower, I might use the kitchen sink. It will all depend on how I feel.

random 866

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I have been having random thoughts. I am in pain again and it’s putting me in the frame of mind that I shouldn’t be here anymore. I seriously would love to end my life right now but things aren’t quite right. The temperature is dropping and as I plan on killing myself in an open outdoor space, it’s very likely I could get rescued before the meds do their deed. I wish I could go to a hotel and end my life there but I don’t have a credit card anymore. I swore them off because I hated the APR % rates.

My ankle is throbbing like there is no tomorrow. I haven’t done a thing all day and I have been mostly on my bed most of the day. I might take a strong pain pill. I just took a couple of ativans because I want to sleep. Baseball game is going on right now and my team is winning, so far. I hope they win the series and beat Joe Maddon.

My therapist talked about me going in the hospital today. I wasn’t for it because I won’t be able to get my pain medications when I need it and I certainly won’t have access to my strong pain medication. I will be screwed should I have a flare up. There is nothing worse than being in severe pain on a psych ward and not having access to pain medication.

I have given in and taken a strong pain pill. I also have taken some Neurontin. It’s taking all I have in me not to take the whole bottle of that drug. But I have groceries that are coming so I can’t be a zombie. I wish I could just fall asleep but my foot is pounding.