Category: suicide

Saturday Blog 64

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I didn’t sleep very well last night. I woke up every few hours. When I got up, I made coffee but my half and half was sour so I couldn’t drink the coffee. I wanted to go to the grocery store so I went to get my pumpkin stuff and some bacon. I also bought celery so I can add it to my tuna sandwiches. I thought I would have enough energy to make the cupcakes but I don’t. I just want to go back to sleep.

OSU won 58-0 against Rutgers. And Nebraska is winning right now in the first quarter 7-0. I would watch the Nebraska game but I just can’t. I want to be on my bed resting my leg. I am in pain again from walking around the store and then going to Walgreens to pick up my prescription.

After I came home, I was starving because I didn’t have lunch. I had some Naan with some tuna my mother made. I ate all the tuna and most of the Naan. Then I had a nectarine. Now I am bloated and very sleepy.

I keep thinking of my date and what I am going to do about it. If I don’t go through with my plan, I will feel like a failure. If I try and don’t succeed, then at least I tried and that will be that. But I won’t know unless I try and I want to die very badly. I am feeling all sorts of feelings about this. Sadness is the chief one, guilt is another. I know I don’t have to do this but what choice do I have? The thought of living through this nightmare is astounding. I can’t take the pain day in and day out anymore, not when my daily living activities are involved. There are some days I can’t even stand long enough to brush my teeth. How is this living?

My therapist is working hard so that things don’t come to an end soon. In the end, it’s really just my battle and my battle alone. I have tried to prepare her for my death but she doesn’t want to hear one word of it. I have three sessions this week with her, one of which will be in person. I get to drive out there and see her. I am hoping to have my pumpkin cupcakes made tomorrow to take with me when I go. She’ll like that.

Agitated and Aggravated

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Agitated and aggravated

I have not been able to settle down since coming home. I feel really agitated and things are unsettled. The voices are loud but they are mumbling so I can’t understand what they are saying so I am frustrated. I have tried listening to some music to calm me down but that hasn’t worked. It just gets me more agitated. I just took some Ativan and some trilafon to try and calm down because I really would like to sleep before my pain shoots off.

I am really annoyed at my therapist. I really didn’t want to have a session with her but she plays this game with me that if I can come up with a good reason, I can skip the session. I never can come up with a good reason as the reason is, I just don’t want to talk with her, which isn’t a good enough reason. I texted her that she might get my voicemail or I might block her call. I am so annoyed. In order to avoid the phone call, I am tempted to get another Zipcar and go out to see her again. Course, if I do have the phone call, I can just put her on mute. I don’t get why this fucking woman drives me insane.

Then the ballgame was a shit show. Price, who is getting paid $30 million, gags in big games so we lost tonight because he gave up the long ball one too many times. That didn’t help my agitation, at all.

Voices are commanding tonight. They want me to pick a bottle and take the whole thing. I hope the trilafon works soon. I hate this uneasiness I am feeling. It’s partly my fault the voices are out of control. I missed my afternoon dose of trilafon because I was driving today. I hate missing doses but it happens. I have to be better about taking the dose. I want to page my psychiatrist but it’s late. She will just tell me to go to the ER and I don’t want to. They will admit me and I don’t want to be admitted. This will pass. I can handle the voices by ignoring them even though I am agitated.

Well, too late to beat the pain in my ankle. It has just started. Fuck. I just took my pain meds so now I have to wait till they kick in. I hate this feeling. I am feeling out of control and yet I am in control. I had something to eat so that made me feel better as I haven’t eaten much all day. Sometimes not eating will cause me to become agitated, too. I know part of the reason I am aggravated is because I am overtired. I didn’t nap when I came home from therapy like I wanted to. Then my groceries came and I had to put them away. By the time that happened, I was so tired I didn’t know if I should eat or sleep. So I did neither.

I am so tired of fighting myself all the time. It’s really tiring. Actually, it’s exhausting, between the voices, the depression, the physical pain, the emotional pain, and then the emotions that go with it. I just want to die. I don’t know when this will happen. I hope that it will happen soon but I just don’t know. There are so many factors that go into it that I am just plain scared of it so I don’t do anything but think about it. I don’t tell anyone what I am thinking because I don’t want to be stopped. I pick dates. I plan a destination. But will I go through with it? I just don’t know.

Terrible Night

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Terrible night

I just watched, via Twitter, the first presidential debate in my life and it was horrible. I am really afraid of what is going to happen when Trump is not president. I think a civil war might break out or something else. I am very scared of these times.

Pain has come back. My foot is throbbing and burning me. I can’t take another dose of pain meds for another half hour. I am really depressed. On Twitter there was other talk about suicide and talking out about it. It’s kind of bullshit because if you do talk about it on social media, you might get the police at your door the next day. I also found out through the State Police there was a jumper off the Tobin. He is alive and was taken to the hospital. I feel bad for him.

I haven’t heard from my psychiatrist. I guess she hasn’t read my blogs yet. It bothers me that she hasn’t read them. I don’t know why. They are old news now, sort of. I still can’t believe that she gave me a 4 week appointment. I might be gone by the next time I am supposed to see her.

There is so much I want to write about how I am feeling but I am scared someone is going to call the cops on me if I write it. I just feel so low and suicidal. I am tired of living with pain. I can’t go on with this bullshit anymore. Tomorrow I have to go up the hill to get the car. It’s going to be a hike. I don’t know if I will be able to do it but it’s too late now to cancel the reservation. My other car that I have been using isn’t available so I had to go up the street rather than down. I will be wearing my AFO so hopefully there won’t be any problems.

I am nervous about seeing my therapist tomorrow. I know we need to talk about my suicidal stuff but I really don’t want to because she doesn’t listen all the time. She tends to talk too much and then I just shut down. She does this every single time I get suicidal. Then I get mad and we fight. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I just want to die. And I don’t get why she wants me to live. She keeps saying that she can’t imagine a world without me in it. She doesn’t understand how tiring it is to live when you don’t want to. I’m not saying it’s easy to give up because I have tried to kill myself many times and failed. I just want to try one more time and if it doesn’t work, then I will stop trying. If I should succeed, then so be it. It was meant to be.

This talk is what is going on in my head. I know that it will hurt many people in my life. I am not stupid about the pain suicide causes. But living while being in pain is worse. It tears you up like you won’t believe. And there is no relieving this pain, this psychache. There was a time where I kept track of it. I had a scale that I used. But my physical pain overshadows my emotional pain so it’s become useless to me. There are other assessments used for the treatment of suicide but my therapist is a fink and won’t use them. She just want to know the “one thing” that will make me less suicidal and that is all she gets from the forms. Drives me crazy.

Random 850

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Every night, I take my night time meds between 2000-2100. Sometimes I take them earlier if I am feeling really tired. It seems no matter what time I take them, I am still up till midnight or later. I don’t understand this as I am very tired but I can’t seem to fall asleep as my brain just keep going round and round.

I know I wrote two other blogs today. Some days, I feel up to writing up to three blogs. I don’t think I have ever written four blogs in one day, unless it was a quote or something. Part of the reason I am having trouble sleeping tonight is because there is a skunk smell in my room and it makes me sick. I have to wait for it to pass before I can lie down. It went away and then another skunk smelled up my room so I sprayed my cologne to help get rid of the smell this time. I hate nocturnal animals.

I was listening to some music as I had music running through my head, as usual. Luckily it’s going now, for the moment. Sometimes music doesn’t help wind me down, especially if it’s music I really like. But it helped me write a letter to my friend in Texas. We are going to be Pen pals now as she wants a break from Facebook. I don’t mind letter writing as I love doing it.

My back seems to be fine now that I am not doing anything strenuous. I hope it stays that way because I have to see my therapist Tuesday. I want to give her my cake that I made. It’s really good. I should have put in more pumpkin spice seasoning but the directions doesn’t call for it so I just eyeballed it. It wasn’t enough. I will know for next time.

I tried reading Dostoevsky. I read two chapters and then I had to stop as it was just endless babble. Then I tried reading a new book and that was a bore. I am marking that off my list of books to read. It’s terrible. I will try a different book tomorrow. Maybe I will read more of the “Dark Tide”. It’s kind of hard to read because it has disaster written before it happened and I hate books like that. But I am a stickler for reading a book through once I am into it. The other book I am not into it at all so bye-bye.

I hope the CBT people call me tomorrow. Something tells me that my suicidality is going to be the hold up. I will cringe if it is. Seems I can’t get any new therapist with my suicidal history, which is so damn sad and frustrating. Doesn’t matter though, because if it doesn’t work out, I will just try to kill myself and see if that works out. Screw the system. I know my therapist will be pissed as all hell but oh well. I can’t keep living in this pain that I am in. It’s too much.

Thursday I am hoping to go to the MFA and check out the Frida Kahlo exhibit. I will be wearing my AFO so I shouldn’t have too much trouble walking around, especially if my ankle decides to be a fart. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before. But it depends on my pain levels and how I do going out to see my therapist. Sometimes, going out the 30 miles and coming back just takes so much out of me that I need a day or two to rest. I haven’t been so good on resting after doing an activity but I got to be better at it or I am just going to be in more pain. Like tomorrow is going to be a rest day because I did a lot on my feet today with making a cake.

Today marks the 5th month passing of my father. I guess that is why he was on my mind a lot last night. I still don’t know why his last few hours were so much more on my mind than at any other time during my life. I guess it’s because there aren’t that many happy memories that I have of my father. But I will save the bitterness of his actions for another day. He is gone and no longer a control asshole in it so I am free on some level.

Today in BPD chat, there was talk about Marsha Linehan and her DBT stuff, like “life worth living”, “radical acceptance”, and so forth. I respect Marsha because she lived through a lot and then worked to make it so people would live despite the pain they were in. And her treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder works to give people much needed hope. Now it is applied to other areas of mental health and it’s working. My therapist, when she found out about my date, had said to me that we don’t have a life worth living anymore. We never did, least I never did. Maybe she thinks, falsely, that there was something of that semblance in our relationship. I don’t know. I had given up the beginning of September and I still have clung to the notion that my life is over because I can’t see myself going on and on in pain. Soon it will be over in the next few weeks, unless I get into a CBT program and it works. Then my plan will be off the table, least for now.

I have never understood the “life worth living”. It’s a hard concept for me to take in. I understand it. I am not a complete idiot. But I can’t find value of it in my life because of the pain that I am in physically and emotionally. There was a quote that someone had posted and I wish I had take it down or favorited or something. It held some significance to what I was going through and now I can’t remember what it was. I’ll have to go through the transcript of the chat.

A few weeks ago I had sent my psychiatrist my explanations of dying. She wrote back something and I replied that if I should die, she wouldn’t be responsible or to be blamed for my death. I never got a response back. I hope she knows that I meant it.