Tag: back surgery

fricken cold for end of April

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Fricken cold for end of April

It has been freezing today with cold wind and rain. I wanted to pick up my meds but they still aren’t ready and the wait time for the phone was ridiculous. Soon as you were the next caller they hung up on you. So rude. I am so unhappy with this pharmacy. It has been a wreck since it was taken over by another chain. It had gotten better for a while but now regular staff is not there and I have no idea why they aren’t picking up the damn phones. Just aggravating to then stand in line and be told to wait three fricken hours.

I had therapy today but it was frustrating. Therapist wanted me to talk about how I was feeling but I wasn’t feeling anything and not much for talking. I hate morning appointments because I am not awake enough to be in a mood. I think I am going to have to start writing some stuff down to talk about because I keep on being blank. I took a three hour nap afterwards that I am still tired from. I just cannot get going today. I wanted to shower but it is so fricken cold I don’t feel like it. Tomorrow supposed to rain, too. Fricken sucks. I hope my prescription is ready or I will be pissed. I will have to go twice to the pharmacy to get it squared away. I am almost done with my current script so I need it filled like today. I am so aggravated that this is taking so damn long.

I wish I was more talkative during therapy but there wasn’t things I wanted to discuss. She tried getting me to talk about my feelings but it was hard as I wasn’t feeling them at the time. We talked about ways of coping with the feelings when they came up. I said I would write or color and she wanted something more but I didn’t have any ideas. I should have said music as that is my go to when I am upset. I have been playing a lot of Mary Chapin to calm down. It is just soothing music. I can’t wait till her new album comes out. I am not sure when it will given the present circumstances. This virus is taking a toll on every thing. I am feeling so cooped up and want to go out to go to Starbucks but I can’t because I don’t even know if they are open. I wouldn’t want to take public transportation now anyway. The city I live in just called for mandatory masks when out in public. I think that is a good idea. It will be a $300 fine if you don’t have one. Yikes! I am glad my sister gave me one because I misplaced the one I had. I had bought a few that are washable. I think they are coming from China so I probably won’t get them till next month.

I got a new book today called Untamed. I am not sure what it is about but I heard it was good. I plan on reading it after I finish the Neil Gaiman book that I am reading, whenever that is. I haven’t been good with reading lately. I have the time but I mostly just end up on social media and my time flies. If I don’t make the time to read, I don’t. The book that I am reading is getting weird so I am not sure I want to continue with it. I love Gaiman but his book are creepy at times. The images he conjures up are sometimes startling. I never forgot reading American Gods and how a woman god was turned into hamburger by being run over repeatedly. Freaky and I read this book like 3 years ago.

I should shower and shave. I might do that tomorrow. It is supposed to be a little warmer. But it is going to be a wet week. UGH. I know we need the rain but sucks the weather being cold. Just glad it isn’t snowing.

Saturday Blog 25042020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 25042020

My sister was going off on my mother this morning. I have no idea what the argument was about or if she was yelling just so my mother could hear her. She started attacking my gender identity as she call me “whatever the fuck I am”. I was so damn hurt. I still am hurt by this attack. I texted my therapist and she was supportive. She said that she was ignorant. I told her I felt like dying. It is always going to be a trigger for me when someone attacks my identity. I feel like I just have the back of my baby sister and my “kids”.

I had my MRI today. It went well. I was so damn hot in the machine. It was a newer machine so made things really hot. I was sweating. The heat felt good on my back though. Until I got a muscle cramp in the middle of my back. That was not pleasant. I find out the results of the MRI Wed when I see my surgeon. By seeing, I mean over the computer. I got my sister to take a pic of my scar so I could send it to my surgeon. He wanted to look at it the other day but I wasn’t able to position the camera so he could take a look.

Monday I see my therapist the same way. I kind of am glad I don’t have to leave the house to make these appointments and it is kind of good because there is no way I can travel by T right now. I am just not up for it. I nearly collapsed at the pharmacy the other day while picking up my meds. I really thought my legs were going to give out on me. They were shaking so bad. I was so fatigued. I knew I wouldn’t be able to do outpatient things. My therapist was telling me that right now I am not doing any of those things so not to worry about it. I do worry because I don’t want to be in the house all the damn time with the psycho sister of mine. I still am dying for an espresso latte of some sort. And a haircut! I am not sure how the barber is going to cut my hair from now on but there has to be a way.

I saw my psych last night. It was so good seeing her. We talked about things and I am so lucky to have her as my psych even if she doesn’t prescribe meds for me anymore. It is kind of weird seeing her just to see her though. I am still grateful for the opportunity. I really miss her. I think she misses me as well. We have known each other for so long that it is hard to separate ourselves. I have been in contact with her a few times a week, just giving her updates on how things are going. I can’t seem to break that habit.

chasing what is already gone

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Chasing what is already gone

This song has been in my head for the past hour so I thought it would make a good title for today. It is a song by my favorite country singer Mary Chapin Carpenter. She has been doing some segments from home and it has been awesome seeing her like every other day with a new video of her playing her music.

Today I found out I am not as strong as I thought I was. I had to go to the pharmacy because they were not answering their phones. I went there and found out they were processing the wrong medication. I was livid. Then they told me it would be three hours before the script could be filled so I went home and my legs felt weak so I didn’t go food shopping like I had wanted to. I had to go back to the pharmacy to pick it up three hours later and while I was waiting in line, I felt like I was going to collapse. There were three people ahead of me. By the time the person in front of me was up, I was starting to feel weak in my legs. The tech couldn’t find the woman’s meds. It took her a while to find them. I thought by then I was going to collapse. Then the guy that was in front of her had his meds screwed up so they had to do it over because they didn’t have his insurance information. UGH. They called me and I felt so weak. I got my meds and the things my mother wanted and then I sat down. I was going to leave but I had to rest. The muscles in my legs were pulsating. I was worried I wasn’t going to make it home. By the time I reached the house next door, I was breathing really heavy. I sat on my porch for a bit before going in the house. It has been a couple hours since I came home and I still feel weak in my legs. My back is hurting me like the Dickens. I just took some pain meds. I sent a text to my therapist asking if it was ok to take my meds when I am hurting and she said yes. I somehow needed that reassurance that it was okay to take my pain meds when I am hurting really bad because sometimes I don’t feel like I deserve relief.

I got my headphones in my ears listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter as I recover from today’s outing. I am not planning on moving from my bed. I might go downstairs to have a bowl of cereal or pancakes for dinner. I don’t feel like cooking and don’t think it would be wise to do so. The pancakes are already made. I just have to heat them up. I love these pancakes because they have protein in them. They have a different kind of taste to it but other than that they are good. They are made by Kodiak.

I am using headphones because sound and air waves are bothering my foot. I hate this allodynia. Just hope it doesn’t keep me up tonight. I did a lot of standing so I might be hurting big time tonight. I am glad I took the pain med when I came home.

Saturday Blog 18042020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 18042020

I am on day 999 of being at home. The weatherman was right. We did get snow so I won’t be going out as it is too slippery out. I was talking with my family last night and one of my cousins said her water boiler went so she doesn’t have heat. I am worried about her and her husband. It is cold and they just have a wood stove but it isn’t warming up the house. I hope she will be okay.

I have been in pain all morning. I woke up at 9 to take my morning meds and couldn’t go back to sleep. My back is all knotted up and shit. I took a shower and that made everything worse. I feel like my legs are not going to support me because my back is so out of it. I just took some meds to try and calm things down. I am so out of shape. I came upstairs and lately I just have been so out of breath by the time I get to my bed. I hate it. I don’t know when this endurance/stamina is going to come back to me. They say if you do it a few times a day you will get there. I have been doing this every day since coming home from the hospital and there has been no change. I just get so fricken tired so easily. And then I can’t sleep. I was up till 4a because pain was keeping me up. I felt like writing so I wrote a friend an email about my troubles. She was kind enough to answer the questions I had for her. She understands what I go through because she has gone through it herself.

I am trying to set up a zoom meeting with a friend for today. She is up in Canada. She is my best friend. We talk about everything and anything. It is so weird that we are so apart yet have the same symptoms and stuff. She used to cath but now she doesn’t. I hope that will be the case for me, though it isn’t looking like it will be right now. It seems every other day I need to cath and every other day I can void on my own. It is so weird. I don’t know why it is like this. It is driving me crazy that it is like this because it gives me the false hope that things are going back to normal but it doesn’t work out that way. I am so getting troubled by it. I need to talk to my therapist about it but I am not sure she will understand. I was so comfortable telling my other therapist of 16 years all about my bowels and bladder issues. I am not so comfortable with my current therapist. She is good and picks up on things. Sometimes that scares me that she does this because my other therapist didn’t so much. But then the other therapist liked to talk during the session rather than have me talk. In a way I am glad that I don’t see her anymore because I am getting the help I need with my current therapist. Eventually I will start DBT group and I am not looking forward to it. This will be when COVID flattens out a bit. I haven’t joined a group yet because of my back surgery and recovery and now the virus is making it so no gatherings are possible. Not sure how groups are going to be like when things resume. Maybe they will have a zoom meeting if everyone has the capability of doing so.

Foot has gone back to being a fuck. It is twitching again and there is nothing I can take to calm it down. I fucking hate this symptom of CRPS (complex regional pain syndrome). It started last night around 3 am and is continuing now. It is making me feel so hopeless and suicidal. I texted my therapist and she asked if I could take meds. I told her I took some but they aren’t really going to help the shaking/twitching sensation. I don’t know if there is anything I can take for this symptom. I asked my support group if there is something. Maybe there is and I just don’t know. My neurologist just wants me to increase the gabapentin but that makes me dopey as all hell and I tend to walk into walls if I take it during the day. This is why I take it mostly at night so that doesn’t happen. If I do need to take it during the day, I will take the least amount that I can to try and control some of the symptoms. My foot is fucking vibrating right now and not in a good way. It is so fricken painful. I think I might take some gaba now and see if that helps. I don’t have to leave my room till 5 anyway. It is 2 right now. I hope to get some sleep before dinner. My niece is making a ham and her mashed potatoes. Her mashed potatoes are the bomb. They are so good!