Saturday Blog 18042020

Saturday Blog 18042020

I am on day 999 of being at home. The weatherman was right. We did get snow so I won’t be going out as it is too slippery out. I was talking with my family last night and one of my cousins said her water boiler went so she doesn’t have heat. I am worried about her and her husband. It is cold and they just have a wood stove but it isn’t warming up the house. I hope she will be okay.

I have been in pain all morning. I woke up at 9 to take my morning meds and couldn’t go back to sleep. My back is all knotted up and shit. I took a shower and that made everything worse. I feel like my legs are not going to support me because my back is so out of it. I just took some meds to try and calm things down. I am so out of shape. I came upstairs and lately I just have been so out of breath by the time I get to my bed. I hate it. I don’t know when this endurance/stamina is going to come back to me. They say if you do it a few times a day you will get there. I have been doing this every day since coming home from the hospital and there has been no change. I just get so fricken tired so easily. And then I can’t sleep. I was up till 4a because pain was keeping me up. I felt like writing so I wrote a friend an email about my troubles. She was kind enough to answer the questions I had for her. She understands what I go through because she has gone through it herself.

I am trying to set up a zoom meeting with a friend for today. She is up in Canada. She is my best friend. We talk about everything and anything. It is so weird that we are so apart yet have the same symptoms and stuff. She used to cath but now she doesn’t. I hope that will be the case for me, though it isn’t looking like it will be right now. It seems every other day I need to cath and every other day I can void on my own. It is so weird. I don’t know why it is like this. It is driving me crazy that it is like this because it gives me the false hope that things are going back to normal but it doesn’t work out that way. I am so getting troubled by it. I need to talk to my therapist about it but I am not sure she will understand. I was so comfortable telling my other therapist of 16 years all about my bowels and bladder issues. I am not so comfortable with my current therapist. She is good and picks up on things. Sometimes that scares me that she does this because my other therapist didn’t so much. But then the other therapist liked to talk during the session rather than have me talk. In a way I am glad that I don’t see her anymore because I am getting the help I need with my current therapist. Eventually I will start DBT group and I am not looking forward to it. This will be when COVID flattens out a bit. I haven’t joined a group yet because of my back surgery and recovery and now the virus is making it so no gatherings are possible. Not sure how groups are going to be like when things resume. Maybe they will have a zoom meeting if everyone has the capability of doing so.

Foot has gone back to being a fuck. It is twitching again and there is nothing I can take to calm it down. I fucking hate this symptom of CRPS (complex regional pain syndrome). It started last night around 3 am and is continuing now. It is making me feel so hopeless and suicidal. I texted my therapist and she asked if I could take meds. I told her I took some but they aren’t really going to help the shaking/twitching sensation. I don’t know if there is anything I can take for this symptom. I asked my support group if there is something. Maybe there is and I just don’t know. My neurologist just wants me to increase the gabapentin but that makes me dopey as all hell and I tend to walk into walls if I take it during the day. This is why I take it mostly at night so that doesn’t happen. If I do need to take it during the day, I will take the least amount that I can to try and control some of the symptoms. My foot is fucking vibrating right now and not in a good way. It is so fricken painful. I think I might take some gaba now and see if that helps. I don’t have to leave my room till 5 anyway. It is 2 right now. I hope to get some sleep before dinner. My niece is making a ham and her mashed potatoes. Her mashed potatoes are the bomb. They are so good!

any thoughts?

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