Tag: baseball

Random 955

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 955

I woke up twice in the middle of the night. The first time, I was able to get back to sleep fairly quickly. The second time I woke up around 0530 and was in severe pain so couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I still am in pain but it’s not as severe. I took a nap and then had lunch. I had time to catch the bus, even though I felt shitty. I went out anyways just to get out.

I got to Starbucks and had my espresso. I started writing and then after a few paragraphs, I was feeling sick. I had to go home. My mother needed a birthday card so I went to CVS before going to the bus terminal. I must have been out for maybe 45 minutes or so. It was cold and raining by the time I got off the bus. Luckily, there was no trouble walking home.

I still feel like I could sleep for a hundred years and still be tired. My room has cooled off considerably and I am glad. I couldn’t stand the heat. I finally shut off the ceiling fan but I still got the window open. The temp is dropping so I know the heat is going to kick on again. I should have bought a burrito before leaving the Square. I don’t know what I am going to make for supper. I might make some pasta with my sauce. I wanted to have it for lunch but I was too groggy to cook. I still am but the coffee helped to wake me up a little bit.

I was able to shower today. I took it while I had a break in pain. It didn’t last long but long enough to wash and rinse. Drying was tough as my foot started to act up. I thought at least twice I was going to lose my balance as I was getting dressed. Damn feet did not want to go through the holes to let my boxers on. It’s so frustrating that I have to shove them in on one foot and pray I don’t fall in the process or rip the material.

Hard to believe baseball starts next week and the temps haven’t been above 50. It’s going to be really cold at the start of the season. We start off playing the Pirates, which is interleague play. I don’t know why they are starting so early this year. Usually it’s a month or two after the season begins. But I rather get them out of the way now so we just have one league to deal with by the end of the season. Least I hope so as I haven’t looked at the schedule so I could be wrong. I should be excited but I am not. It’s great that I will have a game nearly every night to listen or watch but so far this spring, I really haven’t been paying close attention. Maybe that will change once the schedule/rotation is set up (player wise). During spring training games, the regular players don’t play so it’s like why bother watching/listening. You got some no name playing second base that isn’t going to be there come Opening day. Useless. And Mr. $30 Million/year is hurt so won’t be playing. I have a feeling he is going to milk his injury and be out most of the season. Some competitive guy he is, NOT. He was placed on the 10 day DL (disabled list) but it has been more than that so why hasn’t he been throwing?? Can’t stand him. Hated the deal he got and hated him more when he couldn’t produce in the post season.

I called the therapist that I called last week. I think the message didn’t go through so I tried again as I didn’t hear back from her. I hope she does call me back in a day or so. I was looking at her website and found she is trained in different modalities that are right up my alley. If the chemistry is right, we might just work out, if she is taking on new clients. I will be so sad if she doesn’t work out and I need to find someone else, again. She has two offices, one in Boston and one in Cambridge, which is close to where I live. Either is accessible by public transportation though the one in Boston might be a little trickier, only because I have to take the bus and train. Please readers, send me good vibes she works out and has the time to see me!

I think I am going to take another nap rather than make something to eat. Without trying, I lost five pounds, which I can only guess is because I haven’t been taking Neurontin in a few days. I swear just taking this meds adds weight on. My ankle is acting up again despite me taking some pain meds when I got home. I hope I don’t have to take the strong pain pill again. I had to take one this morning to quiet down the severe pain I was having.

My week is free again. Only appointment I have is with my psychiatrist on Friday. Kind of makes me lazy as I don’t have to get up and go places. It’s so easy to stay in bed or at home. I hope the weather is better tomorrow, least a little warmer. I should start reading the CBT book I have about suicide attempters. I have been carrying it around in my bag since I bought it. I think I might have read the introduction and that was it. It’s a clinical book so can be a little technical at times. But it’s not over my head, least I hope not. I have some clue about CBT, though it’s been ages since I read about it. I have another book that is about cognitive therapy that I want to get to some time this year. I am still reading Robert Lowell, so when I am done with that book, maybe I will go back to reading clinical material.

Cubs Win, Baseball Season is Over

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball

Cubs win, baseball season is over

It was a thrilling game. The Chicago Cubs won after a 108 year drought. I was cursing them the whole time but I was rooting for them just the same. I don’t like their manager, Joe Maddon. I think he is a crooked guy.

My love, for now, has ended and I am sad. I won’t see another game until March, when Spring Training starts, that is if I am still alive by then. I will miss baseball for the next few months and the depression will kick in and knock me to my knees. I hate this. I have what is called BDD, baseball depressive disorder. Only cure is baseball games and they don’t start until March a long ways from now.

I’m up late again

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I’m up late again

Around 2100, I started to feel sleepy. I knew that if I laid down, the chances of my pain increasing was high so I stayed up a little longer until I couldn’t. So I must have been down for about maybe twenty minutes when the pain kicked up. I took some pain meds and I have been up since.

I wrote my friend a letter thinking it would get my mind off things and it did, and I laid down once more only to be hit with more pain. Then I got hot. I checked my room temp and it was just above 70 degrees. I turned the ceiling fan on to cool down. I had both feet out from under the blankets to feel the cool air. Once they turned cold, maybe I could sleep. I am still hoping. It hasn’t happened yet.

I have been talking with the voices most of the evening. They are my regular voices, not the mean ones that tell me I am an addict and that I should take all the pills because it will be better for me. It’s funny because when I tell my psychiatrist or therapist this, they don’t say anything to contradict the voice. I guess they assume I know I am not but it would be nice for them to say it so it counteracts the voices inside my head that I am internalizing.

I know part of the reason I am not asleep is because the magic hour of 2 am hasn’t hit yet. Seems that hour is when I can finally go to sleep. Or soon after. It’s been this way all week. The last two days I have slept really late. I hope to sleep late today too but I forgot to get one ingredient for my cake that I want to make Sunday.

It’s only been a few days time, but I already miss my Sox playing. There is still baseball being played but I am not really interested in it. I am interested in the National league game because I wonder if this is the year for the Cubs. We’ll see.

Disappointing end to an up and down season

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball

Disappointing end to an up and down season

My Sox lost tonight. They came close to catching up to the Indians but they just couldn’t pull it off. I am deeply saddened by this. I was having mini heart attacks throughout the game. I didn’t know if watching it would make it better or worse as I was listening to it on the radio. So I just stayed in my room and listened impatiently. A few times I wish I had Xanax to calm me down.

The Fenway Faithful stayed after the game to send off Big Papi. They actually refused to leave without his sendoff. I almost cried. Papi has never been my favorite player despite all that he has done for the team. I just thought of him as a show off with a big mouth. He has been quiet all season though, despite his retirement. Even though he has done well hitting and scoring runs, he still wants to be retired. I will miss his smile and leadership on the team. Surprisingly, we are the same age.

I don’t know what to do now that the Sox season is over. I usually watch whatever team I fancy and usually switch until the World Series and then I pick a team to win. I have my college football games and of course, my Pats but football is played just once a week and it’s hard filling in the gap during the play time. Baseball was at least every three or four games in a row. I love baseball. I know it’s about numbers and stats and it seems every year they tack on something new to add to stats. I don’t really pay attention to it, nor do I record it in my brain. I just remember the good plays and the not so good ones.

So now I get to retire my ball caps and change it for football ones. And when the football season ends I will have a month and a half before my Sox are back on the field. I don’t know who will take over as DH. No one can replace Ortiz, that is a certainty. But there is a position to be filled and I wonder who will fill it.