Tag: baseball

Least Make it Feel Like Night

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Least Make it Feel Like Night

My Pats lost. I am in agony both sports wise and in pain. I never had my margarita. The whole game was back and forth. It was a tough game to watch. I missed most of the third quarter. Then watched parts of the fourth. I couldn’t handle it. There should have been at least one unsportsmanlike conduct when the Broncos sacked Brady and then the guy was pulling at his crotch. That was uncalled for.

Now I don’t know what I am going to do. After my Pats play, I hit a depression until March when spring training begins. Catchers and pitchers report to Fort Meyers in a couple of weeks. I’ll get to see the idiotic face of Dave Price now more than I ever wanted to. I hate this guy so much. He is such a player with no meaning, and I don’t mean as in a baseball player. The guy just makes me sick. And we have him for the next 3-7 years. This weekend they had a Sox fan weekend in I think Foxwoods, which is in Connecticut. Mr. Price couldn’t make it because of the snow in Nashville. But Ramirez was there and we had to hear how confident he is at 1B by several people, including the GM. I really think he is going to suck at that position like he sucked in LF. Just wait until Pedroia throws him a pitch that should be caught and he drops it thus missing for a double play. He is not my favorite player. Actually there are three people I don’t like that are playing for the sox: Sandoval (aka Panda), Price, and Ramirez. Going to be an interesting season. I will be boycotting the game on NESN and just be listening via radio or Twitter.

I forgot to refill one of my important pills so I can’t take it tonight because I don’t have it. So tonight is hodgepodge night. I will just take what I feel like taking. I thought it was later than 1900 but it’s 1845. I took one of my meds really early. I am tired anyways so I’ll just take my pain meds and call it a night. I might wake up around midnight/0100. If I do, I will probably write another blog.

I feel like such a jerk because I didn’t refill my meds. This is the second time that I forgot. I think it’s because I threw away the pack before I refilled it that I forgot, but then I had a LOT going on last week and the pain didn’t help any. I got to get my haircut in the morning when that barber shop opens. I will be so disappointed if they are closed. I got to remember to bring my Times article with me. I told them I would bring it in the next time I got my haircut.

I’m going to have to start writing things down on the calendar so I don’t forget refills for my pills. I have to keep track because it’s not a 30 day schedule they have me on and I forget. I am trying to be better at refilling my meds before they run out instead of when they run out. Like one of my blood pressure pills. I always wait until I am down to my last week before refilling it. I feel like such a loser but this medication I get a special deal at Stop and Shop where I only pay $10/90 day supply for the script whereas if I went through my regular pharmacy, I would pay twice that amount and only get a 30 day supply. It saves to shop around for medication.

Baseball Movies and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Baseball movies and other things

I watched a League of Their Own tonight. It was not as funny as I thought it would be but it had its moments. I found it really good. Now I want another baseball movie. I took my meds a little while ago so I am not sure I will be able to watch the entire thing. I am thinking Love of the Game will be next. I love Kevin Costner and this game is more baseball than any movie that I have seen so far. I still want to own Bull Durham and Major League. I have not seen these movies. I rather read books. I also want to see Sandlot. I heard that is a funny movie. My favorite actress, Teryl Rothery plays in Sandlot 2. She always has small roles in movies and TV shows. She is a good actress and don’t understand why she doesn’t have a bigger role. She did in Cedar Cove but the show got cancelled after the 3rd season. I am really going to miss watching it.

My back and thigh are competing as to who is going to hurt more. I am so scared that I might go to the ER tomorrow. It’s not like me to have back pain and leg pain at the same time unless something is seriously wrong. But then I have been thinking…if something is wrong, I will most likely need surgery, which will mean that I got CES x 3. I can’t live with that. The rehab is tough and having the surgery doesn’t mean that I will be 100%. Every time I get this syndrome, I lose function in some extremity and it takes me a long time to recover. Last time it occurred, it took me 8 months to have a fully functioning left leg, well I thought it was fully functioning. My ankle didn’t turn out to be fully functioning but no one noticed this. I sometimes lose perception of where my feet are so I need to carry things in one hand while holding on and looking at my feet to see where they are. Otherwise, there is a great chance I could fall down the stairs. I did that a few years ago and it wasn’t pleasant. I want to email my psychiatrist to get her input but she is having surgery for her own problems this week. I don’t know why this shit has to happen on the weekend. The problem started last week with twitching and now has moved to pain. I don’t like this progression. Today I was crapping without having to force myself to. I have no idea if that is normal or not as I am so used to pushing to get shit out. But the shit was flowing, on its own and I felt it so I don’t think I am losing control of my bowels. It’s so damn sad that with everything that goes on, you have to go through a mental checklist to see if you are normal or not. If this didn’t happen then you are fine. If this happens, then you are fucked. I hate this syndrome with a passion. It has you self doubting all the time. And because it’s the damn weekend, you can’t just call and talk to your doctor. You can talk to the doc on call but they don’t know you from Adam and your background.

Part of me thinks I will be okay until Monday. I should have made an appointment for this week so I could at least get scheduled for an MRI. Now I got to wait unless I go to the ER tomorrow. It will suck because chances are I will be there all day. I kind of want to know what is going on yet I don’t. I just know my back is hurting coupled with leg pain and I know that isn’t good. I am also scared that because my back is so messed up, I might have to get a fusion. If that is the case, I will never be able to work again. Every one that I know with a fusion never heals right and always has problems and worse pain than before surgery. I don’t want to go through that. I rather kill myself than go through that.

On being suicidal

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicidality

Hate mixed states

I feel like I am in a mixed state right now. I feel hyper and manic and the next minute, I feel depressed and full of psychological pain. The oscillation is killing me. I just want to go to sleep but am unable to because of fucking baseball. I have to see if the Mets win this game after they fucking blew it. They had the lead and then they gave it up. Unreal. This is an elimination game. The Mets lose this game and the Royals win the series. I will be very upset if this happens.

I have been noticing my numbers (stats) have been up more than usual. Today the US has read my blog more than the UK. Yesterday it was the reverse. And still my “Knackered” blog is the most read for the day. It is my most popular blog.

I was reading more of the book “Dead Wake”. What I read really upset me because if the British acted, they could have avoided the tragedy of the Lusitania. They knew in advance that the Germans were tracking her. It’s just sad that things like this happened.

I took my nerve pain meds to try and ease this uneasiness that I am feeling and hopefully get some sleep. I am very tired but I am fighting it for some reason. I don’t like how I am feeling. I feel like I am walking a fine line of insanity vs sanity. I hate feeling keyed up one minute and feeling like I am going to fall flat on my face in another. I need sleep but I am too wound up.

Well, the Royals just fucking scored so I guess they win the series. I am very upset. The score is 7-2, I don’t think the Mets can score 5 runs to retie the game or win it. So fucking close and so damn sad.

I tried doing a psychache scale tonight. It was fine until the last four questions. Then I couldn’t distinguish between my physical pain from my psychological pain because my foot was acting up at the time. As I read the questions, my pain just screamed at me. The total score was 54, which is mediocre. I am on the cusp of a suicidal crisis. But because my therapist and I have basically called a damn “truce”, I can’t discuss this with her. It makes me angry that I have these suicidal feelings and I can’t talk about them openly with her because we are trying to work things out between us. But I can talk about my feelings here because that is what my blog is about. Being suicidal and talking about it. Because if I didn’t have this outlet, I think I would act on my feelings. Or be in dire straights at this hour. With this blog, I can tell people I am suicidal and it’s okay to talk about it. I am not going to get shunned for it. I just want to die because my feelings at the moment feel that way. I know this will pass and I will feel better in the morning. But right now it sucks like all hell and being hyper isn’t helping. I don’t want to reach out because I know I will fall asleep soon. I am already starting to feel sedated from the meds I took (nothing in extreme). I might send this blog to my therapist so she knows what kind of night I am having. Maybe I won’t because it might freak her out. I am tired of being in pain both psychologically and physically. Right now, it is not at the point where it is unbearable but I don’t want to feel either. I have resources to me when I feel this way but I don’t feel like using them. I am too tired to explain why I am in pain and want to take my life. They won’t understand psychache and constriction and perturbation. No one understands it except Shneidman. But he is dead and there is nothing I can do about it. He was the person that taught me about this stuff. Reduce the pain, reduce the suicidality. Question is how to reduce the pain when nothing works on it. The reality is that you need to uncover what the person’s needs are in this moment of crisis and try to alleviate them as best you can. If they need validation, validate them. If they need affiliation, affiliate them. If they need understanding, show it to them. Ask them where do they hurt and how can I help you? It doesn’t take rocket science to figure this out. My heart is breaking into a thousand pieces because I don’t feel validated or understood.
Meds are taking over now so I am going to go to sleep and hopefully not wake up to this nightmare of feelings.

an experiment

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

An experiment

Next month I will be doing an experiment to see if getting a T pass is really worth it or if just putting money on my card is. With the Pass, I can use the bus and train multiple times a day and it doesn’t cost me anything. If I put money on the card, every time I use a bus or train, it will cost me. I haven’t kept track of my uses and this is going to be a challenge because I hate paperwork. But I am willing to try it anyways to see if the $29/month is worth it

I got the new battery for my older laptop. The thing that stinks is it won’t come until next week and I didn’t want to pay for expedited shipping. I did that once and it was the same as if I had regular shipping, so why pay extra? I backed up most of my files yesterday, either using my thumb drive or dropbox. I like dropbox because I can access my files on my phone. I put the new story I am working on it so now I have access to it wherever I go. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before. Using dropbox is better than carrying around your laptop. I love it. I also uploaded the excel sheet for my experiment. Just hope I remember to use it when I am traveling.

I slept for about five hours. I woke up in pain. I am still hurting so took some medicine to calm things down. I hope I get back to sleep soon. I really don’t want to be up this early and stay up all day. If I go to sleep before 0600, I stand a chance of not waking up with a hangover, which is what I am hoping for. I have a little bit of cream left so I can make coffee and pancakes. I really am addicted to my oatmeal pancakes. They are just so yummy. It’s my favorite breakfast food, other than egg burritos that I make. I am out of the flour tortillas. I hope to get them with my grocery order but it doesn’t look like I will be having one this month. I overspent, sort of. Most of my money went to fixing my laptop and ordering a new battery. I also needed to get household items at Walgreens/CVS like soap, aspirin, etc. I have no idea where the money went. And what stinks is I won’t be getting my royalties this month for last month’s earnings. I will get it next month. I was very curious to see if the pages that were read I got compensated for. But I got to wait till next month to find out. Bummer.

I can’t wait for baseball tonight. I got to find out what channel the game is on. No one answered my inquiry on Twitter. I think the game will be on Fox but I am not sure. It will be interesting watching these teams match up. Both teams have had several days rest so that also makes it interesting. I am rooting for the Mets.