Tag: bipolar disorder

Frosty Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Frosty day

It was 1 degree when I woke up at 0500. It warmed up to about 4 around 1100 when I decided to go out and brave the cold. I didn’t want to but I had to pick up my scripts at my doctor’s office. I left the house too soon so I waited for almost 30 minutes for the bus. I was practically an ice cube. I got to Starbucks and ordered my drink wrong. I normally say 2 pumps of whatever syrup but I forgot to. I did remember to make a soy latte as the milk would have wrecked my bowels. I don’t know why their milk goes through me, but it does. Maybe because it is 2%, I don’t know. I had a turkey sandwich and then wrote in my journal. I left around 1400.

It didn’t take me long to get back to the Square after I left my doc’s office. I missed the bus by eight minutes, so I took another bus down the street and waited another 20 minutes for the bus home. The bench was cold as ice so sitting wasn’t an option. My ankle was not appreciative and for some reason my right calf was upset. It kept hurting like it was going to cramp or something. I tried stretching it but it didn’t work. I had to go to Walgreens to pick up my mood stabilizer and a couple of things for my mother. She had called me to grab one more thing but after waiting in line at the pharmacy, I forgot about it. I will try to remember when I go Tuesday.

I came out to thaw out. My thighs were frozen. It was mixed temps in my room. The window was blowing cold air and the radiator hot air so it took a while for me to warm up. I had no idea what I wanted for supper. My mother asked what I wanted and I told her I was going to make a cold cut sandwich. It didn’t appeal to her. I think she reheated some soup, which reminds me I can have clam chowder tomorrow. I forgot I have a can from when I shopped a couple of months ago.

I finished my friend’s book this morning. It was a good book. He was a very descriptive person. I liked the book. Now I think I will read Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman. I hope it is good. His books are a mix. You never know what you are going to get. I wish I had known one of his series of books were of the comic strip variety. I think they renamed them graphic novels. I don’t like them as I bought it on the Kindle and it is hard to read. I’ve never been into comic books. So I have a $20 set for nothing. Oh well. I really need to get my eyes examined. Even with my glasses I am having a hard time reading things. The print is too small or blurry. I’ve had to make some adjustments to my laptop as the print was microscopic. My right eye is bad as that is the one I am having trouble with, which tires out my left for compensating. I can’t remember when I last went to my eye doctor. They have some funny eye exam rules. One insurance says I can have an annual visit every 18 months and the other is every 2 years. I don’t know where I fall as I switched off. I guess I will call in the New year. I need to make sure my eye doc is still there. I had sent him a question via email and he said he was out of the country. I don’t know if that was a vacation trip or what. I really would hate to see someone else as I have been going to him since I was 19 or so. He is a very thorough doctor.

My ankle is really hurting. I hope I can sleep tonight. I know I had to walk around a lot today. I just hope it settles down some by the time I am ready for bed.

lazy day of doing nothing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Lazy day of doing nothing

I slept pretty well, around 7 hours according to my phone. I woke up around 7, still feeling good. I wasn’t in too much pain. I took my pain meds anyway and my blood pressure pills. Then had a bowl of cereal. I was making a cup of tea when my mother came down. I made her breakfast as she wasn’t feeling too good. It was cold, only 4 degrees out. I had thought about going out but it was freezing. After my mother was settled, I went upstairs with my tea. I read some of the book Tex, like 3 chapters. I finished my tea and then felt tired so I went back to sleep.

My mother called me around noon but I didn’t pick up. I fell back to sleep and woke up two hours later. I called her when my brain was working to see what she wanted. She asked if I was alive or dead. OK. Whatever. I went downstairs and made something to eat. My amazon delivery had arrived but I didn’t feel like going down to get it. They rang the bell. After I had lunch, I went down and got it and the mail. My protein bars and a few other items came. I had ordered a mat for the shower stall as it can get slippery. It was heavy. I hope it fits. I also got a wireless mouse to replace the one that broke. I keep hitting the buttons on the side as I am not used to them. I think they are going to drive me crazy.

I wanted a cup of tea after I played on my laptop for a bit. I wanted to finish Tex. I made my tea and then went back up to my room to read. Wow, SE Hinton always throws you a curve and a double whammy! The book was excellent. I now have read 14 books this year. I don’t think I can read 9 before Sunday so I am not going to make my challenge. I need to set limits on my social media and phone use so I can read more books. It’s not that I don’t have any to read. I think I am going to read the book my friend gave me a month or so ago. It’s short so I might be able to finish it before the year ends.

After my reading, I took a shower. The shower stall stunk of fish! That salted cod really stinks up the house. It was freezing in the bathroom as there is no heat. My bro in law had replaced the heater but it doesn’t work right. It works for about 5 mins and then shuts off. Useless! He should have bought a new unit altogether but he likes shortcuts. Drives me crazy.

Tomorrow I need to go to my PCP’s office to pick up my prescriptions. I was going to get a haircut but I goofed on my bills, again. I overpaid my therapist and would have overpaid my medical insurance but I was able to cancel it before it was processed. I have $2 to my name until next month. I am such a fucking idiot. I rather have $2 than be in the negative of $200, which would have happened if I wasn’t able to stop that payment. I am glad I checked. I do everything through my bank’s app and it doesn’t show the Bill Pay stuff unless you go into it like it did before they changed everything. I wish they had a notification of some sort telling you you had stuff pending. I always do stuff and then forget I did them so do it again. My memory is not as good as it used to be. I only have two bills that I use through online banking so you would think I would remember. Everything else I pay using my debit card as I need so many transactions a month to keep my checking account free.

After I finished the book, I kind of noticed that my pain levels have been low most of the day. It kind of went up a notch while I was in the shower but now I am resting, it went down again. I don’t know if this is because of the new med or not. If 50 mg keeps my pain low, then I will just stay at that dose. No need to increase it. I was expecting to hurt after all the cooking I did yesterday but it’s not that bad. Maybe I will benefit from this drug after all. To be continued…

Good day in a long time

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Good day in a long time

I had a low pain day. I timed the bus ride to the Square right and got my Starbucks. Then made my way to the commuter rail with just enough time to buy my ticket for the train and wait for my friend. I brought two bags with me as one just wasn’t enough. It turned out okay. We got to my friend’s town around 1400. We waited a while to get settled and then around 1500 or so, I went to work. My friend was out of oil so we had to wait till his wife came home. Luckily she thought of appetizers because it would take a couple hours for the sauce to cook.

We watched Popeye while the gravy was cooking. It was with Robin Williams. I had forgotten most of the other characters in the cartoon as it has been ages since I last watched it. I kept on going back and forth to the kitchen to stir the gravy and eat appetizers. I didn’t have lunch so was kind of hungry. By 1745, everything was ready. My friends loved the sauce and meatballs and raviolis. This was the first time I made them and the raviolis came out perfect. We had dessert afterwards.

Then we watched my favorite movie of all time, Money Pit. I knew it word for word, almost. I must have watched it a million times with my childhood friend. It was our favorite movie. It still cracks me up to this day. After the movie, my friend’s husband took us home. There was a lot of construction and changes in the Boston area where my friend lived. It didn’t help that there was a game at the Boston Garden so cars were leaving the parking lots. It was a nightmare. Then I took the wrong road going to my house as they had changed things. I should have known better but we turned around and went the right way.

My pain is still kind of low though throughout the cooking and stuff, I had to rest in between. While we were eating it really flared up and I knew there was no way for me to go home via public transportation. I had a really good time with my friends. We laughed and had fun. The kids loved my gifts. I was glad. It was the first time in a long time I felt good. I kept up with my pain meds and wore my compression brace until I couldn’t stand it any longer. I just hope my pain doesn’t get worse as the night progresses. Right now my foot is angry but that is okay. It was a long day of wearing socks so I think it just got irritated with them on. Luckily, I didn’t have to wear my boot. I had brought it just in case. I really came prepared and I think that helped to relax me so I didn’t have to worry about a flare. It really helped to focus on having a conversation with my friends and focusing on the cooking or watching a movie.

Now I just hope I can sleep before the pain awakens.

chronic pain is making me hopeless again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Chronic pain is making me hopeless again

Last night, my pain was high. I didn’t go to sleep until after 0200. While I was waiting to succumb to sleep, my emotions were dark. I was hopeless and suicidal. I knew there was a chance I would be the same in the morning, however unlikely. I was and it sucked. I was in an irritable mood when my med alarm went off. I didn’t want to wake up. I did a somewhat morning routine, taking my meds, going to the bathroom, brushing my teeth. Then I logged on the laptop and got Office 2016. Fricken annoyed me because it didn’t install the way it “said” it would. Took me 20 minutes to figure out how to install it and where to find the file I saved. Then it took another half hour to install. I just played on my phone.

When it was all said and done, I wanted to go to the Square for a haircut and espresso. I got to the square and check the barber shop to see if it was open and it wasn’t. I was sad. I’ll have to get a haircut later this week. It is going to be wicked cold the rest of the week.

I was at Starbucks and I just sat there, having my breakfast, drinking my espresso, and then writing in my journal. I wanted to go home but I missed the bus. Then my cousin called and he said he would take me to the grocery store. I said okay but I am in the Square. He said he would pick me up. I waited an hour for him. He looked at every woman on the streets, saying she is cute. Isn’t she cute. All the while, I am like, keep your fricken eyes on the road!! We get to the parking lot and he sees another woman pushing her carriage to her car. He pulls up near her. Unreal. We went our separate ways in the store. I got my things and we both finished at the same time. He took me home and I put things away.

I went up to my room and within 20 minutes of resting on my bed, I was flared to the point of crying. I was hopeless again. The pain got worse as I tried to get comfortable while the pain meds kicked in. Then I started to feel nervous, like my heart was racing and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Anxiety attack. I seriously was wondering why the hell I was living in this nightmare of pain every single fucking day. A friend called me and we talked for a bit. He said he might be by later tonight to share a beer. I said okay. He went into a new grocery store in our area and their beer selection was superb. I asked him if they had a certain beer I was looking for the year called Xocovenza, or something like that. It is a Mexican hot chocolate stout made by Stone Brewing. I’ve been wanting to try it. The grocery store had it. WHOOHOO! I thought it was just 1 bottle as stouts are usually like that and go for anywhere from $10-$15 a pop. He said this was like $17. I offered to give him money and he said no, it was on him. I said okay.

I felt a little better by the time I got off the phone with my friend. The meds kicked in and I was more relaxed and my pain lower. My aunt and cousin came over and so I went downstairs to see them. We talked and my aunt complained about my mother’s coffee. I made her my coffee. It was better. I stayed chatting with them until they left. I retreating to my room when my friend called saying he was here. That was fast. We spent a good couple of hours talking about all sorts of things over stouts and burgers. He said that he saw my posts about my pain and he felt bad that he couldn’t make me better. I have known him a long time and he would give the shirt off his back if he could. He is a really good friend of mine. He has always thought of me as a male friend, even before I came out as transgender. I love him and we are close. I told him that the if I don’t get adequate pain control soon, I might end up ending my life. He doesn’t want me to but understands where I am coming from.

I took my night and pain meds late because I was talking with my friend. I hope that I can sleep tonight at a reasonable hour. I didn’t have too much beer. I drank like a quarter of a bottle and then gave the rest to my friend. It was good stuff. I really like it, but not hot. It was a 6 pack, which I was surprised. I put two bottles in the fridge and then gave the rest back to my friend. He liked it as well. I would never drink all of them as I can’t really drink on the meds I take. I will have them on New year’s eve.