Tag: bipolar disorder

New Year’s Day 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

New Year’s Day 2018

Happy New Year’s to all my readers. Hope your year is full of good things.

I don’t really set any goals as I am so bad in keeping them. But if I were they are the following:

• Lose weight, 20 pounds and I will be happy
• Read more books
• Spend less time on social media so I can read books
• Watch at least 5 movies that I bought so I can wipe the dust off them, LOL

I once again set a reading challenge on GoodReads. I hope to read 25 books during the year. I have started two new books, Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman and a baseball history book by John Thorn. I miss baseball very much and I have always wondered how the game got started, what the rules were, etc. Just in the introduction I learned that the game originated around 1839 in Cooperstown New York. There is also is another town in Pennsylvania but it didn’t last long. I am excited about reading it.

It’s another cold day. I woke up around 0930 and it was 1 degree. It is now around 10 degrees, so warmed up a bit. It is very bright out as the sun hitting the snow is glaring into my room. I may have to pull the blinds down. I want to get new blinds, the kind that are vertical not horizontal. I just have to measure the width so I can get them. I have the hooks on the frame of the window because the space inside where you would normally put them is too small. I also need to get a new curtain rod as my drapes are too heavy for it. One of these days I will go to Target and get it. I might have my cousin take me. He doesn’t mind because he likes to talk to me and smoke in the car as I don’t mind it.

I just posted a recipe that I like to try. I got to buy the cheddar and butter to make the biscuits. They are supposed to be really good. I love biscuits and have always wanted to make some. Hope they turn out good.

My brother in law made a pot of chili yesterday for the party. I went downstairs to get some and other food for my mother. When I finished eating and then went up to my room, my ankle gave out. Now I am stuck on my bed. I am in so much pain. I also been having waves of dizziness. I hope it is not a side effect of the new med. I didn’t sleep too well. I was up every 3 hours or so. It sucked. I don’t know what I am going to do about the ankle pain. I might have to take a strong pain pill. I took the regular pain meds a couple of hours ago. I just want to watch some shows that will distract me. I might take a nap first.

new year’s eve 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

New Year’s Eve

I woke up around 3 in pain and sweating. I was hot in my room again. It took me a while to settle down and when I went back to sleep, my med alarm went off. I sleepily took them and slept a little more. I woke up hungry and decided I was going to make pancakes. I made them huge like I usually do. I couldn’t finish them all. I had made coffee but used too much water. It tasted okay. I need to go to the store to get some more half and half.

I can’t believe another year has come and gone. I am not looking forward to the new year, though I should. But that is the expectation everyone has, right? I am too cynical for that shit. I just take the days as they come. If I put too much into doing things and they don’t get done, I just end up with disappointment and who wants that. I will be lucky to make it through the next few months as I try and get a pain doc that will prescribe pain meds. The thought of sticking with my current regimen is not sitting well with me but if I have to continue with it despite not finding a pain doc, then so be it.

In Feb, I see the LGBT doc to move forward with my transition. I am apprehensive about it. I know I have a lot of medical and psych issues. I just hope I don’t have continue to suffer in this fucking body like I have. I want to be a man and if that cannot happen, it is over. I won’t be able to continue living in the wrong body.

I went to my sister’s party and lasted about two hours. I had a lot of food. I talked with my neighbor and finally told her I was transgender and was going to transition. She wants me to come to her house more to talk. She is a nice lady but is a heavy drinker. I don’t know if she will remember what I told her.

I was sitting in my sister’s swivel chair and for some reason, my bad foot was a target tonight. People kept accidently kicking it. I had to use my foot to keep it from turning. It flared up on me and I had to leave. I hate being in this much pain again. Unfortunately, I had a beer so I can’t take any pain meds just yet. It feels better with it on the bed. I have someone’s cologne on. It smells nice. I text my other sister that I was upstairs if they needed me. I told my niece I was going up as we were celebrating her birthday.

I am feeling bad because the pain is getting to be too much. Even though I am not putting any pressure on it right now, the pain is soaring. I should have worn my boot. Oh well. I don’t have any where to go tomorrow except maybe to the store for some half and half. I am so tired. I don’t think I am going to make it to midnight. Happy New Year to all my readers. You mean a lot to me.

new year’s eve eve

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

New year’s eve eve

I am in pain and having dark thoughts. My foot is being crushed and my ankle is being stabbed. CRPS is such a wonderful condition, isn’t it? I got up to get a thumb drive my friend’s hubby made for me so I can watch the stuff on it. I am not really planning on leaving my bed tomorrow, unless my pain is low. I am supposed to go to my sister’s party. We’ll see what kind of mood and how much pain I am in.

My baseball history book arrived tonight, an hour after they said it was supposed to be delivered. I am only guessing the weather had something to do with it. The roads are kind of icy due to snow and it being freezing out. I had to get the package before someone stole it. I already started Neil Gaiman’s book Neverwhere. It is okay so far, but I can tell it is going to be weird.

I tried writing in my journal a few hours ago. I got another dizzy spell. I think it was because I was late with my pain meds. I am feeling so tired and I want to sleep but my damn ankle and foot hurt too much. Just moving them on the bed to get comfortable is painful. I am in a rotten mood. I don’t know what I am going to do. I took my pain meds and now I just have to wait for them to work. Wait. That is all I fucking do with this stupid fucking condition. Wait for this and that all the fucking time. And while I am waiting, I hurt so damn bad. I just want to fucking die. What is the purpose of living anyway if you are just going to be in fucking pain??

I thought the new med was helping me but tonight it isn’t doing shit. I know it is making me tired like my other meds are. I can feel the effects but for some strange reason my brain is fighting off the sleep because of pain. I know when I lay down, I am going to hurt more and then it is going to be a lay down, sit up kind of night. I hate this game. It is not fun. I thought about watching a TV show, MASH or something but my brain is not going to be paying attention to it. It will be like background noise or something and I hate that. Why bother putting it on if you are not going to watch and pay attention to it?

I really want to die. I have the plans in my head but I don’t want to be found in my room. I am so fed up with myself for thinking these plans and never going through with any of them. I am such a coward. I hate myself. I guess the saying, “I have one option left, to suffer”, really is true. Makes me mad though. So very mad. Maybe I deserve it. I am just a scumbag. I get no peace because I am in pain all the fucking time and no medical professional cares enough to try and ease my pain. I am done with this shit. I don’t know when I will take my life but I will one day. Maybe some alcohol will give me the motivation I need to go through with it or something. I can’t go on like this. It is a joke. A big fucking joke.

Last Saturday Blog of 2017 (30 Dec)

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Last Saturday blog of 2017 (30 Dec)

I spent the day just lounging around. I had wanted to go to the store and mail a letter but it was too cold. My legs and ankle were hurting me from all the standing I did around yesterday. After I had breakfast, I went back to sleep and was having a weird dream about finding my work “box” full of tech stuff, like thumb drives and an old video game. I had opened the video game to see how many batteries it took and there were like a lot. I woke up sweating because my room got hot and I was under the blankets. I had shut off the ceiling fan because it got cool in my room. I really need to shower but my ankle won’t like it. I will tomorrow.

I had wanted to start reading another book but spent too much time on social media to start it. I made a cup of tea but didn’t finish it. I wanted coffee but my ankle wouldn’t like making it. Any standing and it has a fit.

My sister made rice balls and it came out really good. My mother made a kind of chop suey with the left over meat and peas. It was good. She will be making pizza and calzones for the party tomorrow. I hope my brother in law makes his chili. I love it. Last year I only had one bowl. It was gone, that is how good it was. He only makes it at New Years. My other sister make Baklava. I can’t wait to try it tomorrow.

Tuesday, I will have to go into the Square to deposit money in my checking account. I really fucked it up and am now overdrawn. I am such an idiot. I thought I could manage to get a haircut but I won’t be able to now. All because my memory sucks. If I had remembered that I had a bill pay for my therapist, I would have the money in my account and I wouldn’t have to worry so much about if I had enough to get my meds for the month. I know some of them will be affordable because they are generic, but the new one and Invega are the ones I am worrying about not being able to afford. I wish I could work so I can get a little extra pay during the month but I can barely keep my doctor’s appointments or physical therapy sessions as it is. Least I don’t have to pay my therapist until March! Longer if I skip appts. I think I am going to try every other week or so. There are Monday holidays coming up so it might work out that way.

I’ve been thinking about my former therapist. It still hurts that I am no longer seeing her. I can’t say that I have been better off as I have had more hospitalizations in a year than I have had in the 16 years I have seen her. I still get suicidal and may be more so if I don’t get my pain controlled pretty soon.

Man, I feel dizzy for some reason. Thought I was getting a migraine earlier so took some meds. The headache is gone but the world is spinning. Think I am going to lie down.