Tag: bipolar disorder

A harrowing day 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A harrowing day

I woke up around 5 am because my back was hurting from sleeping on it. It was hard to move and then I couldn’t go back to sleep because I was in pain. My foot was throbbing, but nothing too severe, least not yet. Around 7 I decided to go to Starbucks to get my coffee so I would have it for the weekend and some half and half. It was cold out but warmer than it has been all week. A major storm is suppose to start tomorrow morning.

I caught the bus and went to Starbucks. I was debating on trying the Yukon coffee, which I never had but is a medium roast, which is also what I like. Maybe I will try it next month. I got breakfast and a soy latte with 5 shots espresso. I didn’t want an iced drink as it was too cold out. Paying for the soy was expensive. It was like 8 bucks. I thought I would use my birthday reward but it didn’t go through. I will have to try again on Friday.

I wanted to get some cheese at the grocery store but there was no one at the deli counter. I wanted to catch the bus so I just got the half and half and some English muffins. I was able to catch the bus home. The bus was roasting. I was so hot with my heavy jacket on. I was almost home and my ankle cramped up in the spot that is giving me trouble. Luckily, walking it off helped but left my ankle feeling sore. I went up the stairs and put the things I bought away. For some reason I kept having to go downstairs and talk with my mother because she was still having problems with the TV remote. I also told her the nurse would be coming. The nurse had called me because my mother’s phone is not working. Verizon was supposed to fix it but I never got a call. Around 1130, I called them to find out what was going on because I received a text saying the issue was resolved but I had no internet and my mother’s phone was still not working. The woman said the tech was still working on the problem and would call when it was finished. The tech never called but things were fixed.

My ankle had flared up soon after I called Verizon. I was really irritable and depressed. I was also having a lot of dark thoughts which I wrote about while the internet was down. All I did was take two steps toward the sink to wash my utensils. That was all my ankle needed and it was out of commission. I got very distressed and angry. I am so sick of being in pain. Nothing was getting rid of the pain. I took my meds and read twitter and facebook. I posted some stuff on both medias. I looked at cute pics of kittens and dogs. Nothing was helping. I took some more meds and then an Ativan as I was ready to do something, anything, to rid me of pain or my life, I didn’t care. I think the Ativan calmed me down enough so I was thinking crazy thoughts. Finally the meds worked and my pain was lower than it was. I decided I was going to order pizza and fries rather than get a haircut.

I am very tired as I have been up so early. I never took a nap because I was so anxious. I couldn’t settle down. I kept reading about the storm that is approaching. I hope it doesn’t blow our roof off or damage it more than it is. One of our roof tops is in need of replacing. Hope it stays together with the high winds we are supposed to have. I don’t like high winds as it feels like it is going to blow the house down or something. I closed my window and am just running the ceiling fan. Otherwise it just gets too hot in my room.

I think I am going to go to bed early. I was going to watch some more MASH but I don’t think it will be a good idea. I might read to get my mind off my worries over the next few days. I might not be able to see my psychiatrist Friday if it is very icy out. I sent her an email about being irritable and that I hope to see her at our appt. I don’t see my therapist until Monday so I am hoping the street will be better by then. His office building is on a main street so it should be clear and hopefully ice free come Monday. I just don’t know when the snow will stop tomorrow and if there will be enough time for people to shovel to remove it before it all turns to ice.

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by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

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drifting off yet staying awake

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Drifting off yet staying awake

Pain is really making me suicidal tonight and a crying mess. I had my Chinese food from a new place. It was really good except I didn’t like the peppers in the General Gau. It was spicy and the sauce was sweet and sour in good proportions. I really liked it. It made me less irritable. But after I came back to my room, I had a meltdown as the pain increased and the tears flowed. There was nothing I could do to stop them. I just gave up trying to hold them back. I wrote some things on FB, on my wall and in my support group. I talked with one member privately. She understood what was going on.

I honestly don’t know if I am going to survive that much longer. I need to probably make an appt with a pain doc and hope I don’t get some shmuck resident. I have no idea when I will be able to get an appt. I know it probably won’t be soon.

I am very tired of dealing with this and many things. It is just exhausting dealing with pain every night and not being able to come up with a combo that works. I took a high dose of gabapentin as the nerve pain has started. The side and top of my foot are on fire. Least with the physical pain, I knew with in an hour or two, the pain would subside. Not so much with nerve pain. I never know when it will subside. But least it helps me sleep some.

Hope tonight is not a game night where I take my foot out from under the blankets, wait for it to “cool” off and then put it back under the blanket night. I hate that game. I also hope the lying down and sit up game isn’t played tonight either. I do have to say that I have been sleeping slightly better with the new body pillow I got for my birthday. I really love it. My shoulder loves it too as I am not using it as a pillow as much.

Going to try this thing called sleep. Hope it works for me and I get a few hours, maybe more, that is if the orange toddler doesn’t press his bigly button and cause a catastrophe. Don’t know when his supervisors are going to take his phone away, or better yet, Twitter takes his account away. But that is a subject for another day. Night folks…

pain day nothing new

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain day nothing new

I woke up to my med alarm going off. I didn’t want to get up. I took my meds and needed to brush my teeth. I went downstairs to use the bathroom and then brush. My mother’s phone isn’t working so her visiting home providers are calling me to let me know when they are arriving. An occupational therapist left me a message saying she was going to be here around 1130 or so. I got up again to go back downstairs to let my mother know. When I came back to my room, I figure I would do the few errands I needed to do rather than go back to sleep.

It was cold out but I have a warm jacket and I was roasting by the time I got to the store. On the way home, I realized I forgot my keys. I had changed my wallet, which had a key inside so I was locked out. I had to ring the bell for my mother to open the door for me. She wasn’t happy. Oh well. I had bought us some buffalo wings for lunch. I made them after the therapist left.

My mother kept calling me about calling the phone company to fix her phone. I kept telling her they would text me when they would come out. Finally I got so pissed I called, and guess what, they aren’t coming out till tomorrow, like I told her! Then she decided to call some place and was put on hold. She wasn’t patient so after about 10 minutes she hung up. Only problem was the line was still open because the phone is broke. I kept checking and finally the lady had picked up. I gave my mother the phone so she could talk to her. Now she has a dial tone.

My foot acted up soon after I made my mother lunch around 1230 or so. I have been in moderate to severe pain since. It has made me depressed and I just feel like I want to fucking die. Like what is the point in living an existence anyway? I am so annoyed. We are getting some serious snow starting sometime tomorrow night into Thursday and then it’s the deep freeze again Friday. I cancelled my PT appt as I didn’t want to be out in a snow storm waiting for the bus. Friday I will need to go out because I have to see my psychiatrist. That is going to be fun! Just hope it isn’t icy or I will cancel. I don’t know when the “blizzard” will end but I am sure I will find out before Friday.

I have been craving Chinese food. I shouldn’t order it but I am going to. After the annoying day I’ve had, I think I should be rewarded. I haven’t had dinner yet as my mother just had leftovers. We still have the ham from Christmas. No thanks. My mother is waiting for it to become penicillin before she throws it away. I am not touching it.

I’m still having dizzy spells. I think I am going to skip my dose of the new med tonight. My mother is driving me to drink today. She just called me because she couldn’t get the TV on. She accidently keeps pressing the TV input button but is denying doing so. I have to go downstairs and fix it. Then I couldn’t get the damn remote to sync with the cable box and TV. I turn the TV on, cable box off. Tried again and the opposite would happen. I was getting so annoyed. Finally I just turned on the TV and manually turned on the cable box. I sent Comcast a message via twitter but they want me to DM them and I am too tired to go through bullshit. I’ll fix it tomorrow, I hope.