Tag: bipolar disorder

rough day 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Rough day

I had another night of bad sleep. This wasn’t because of pain meds, it was mostly due to pain. I caught the earlier bus as I woke up just in time for it. I figure it would give me time to relax and have some writing time. I then left for my appointment, which turned out to be a disappointment.

I met with an intake coordinator for this chronic pain group my psychiatrist thinks will be good for me. I think it will be good for me, too. Unfortunately, the intake coordinator doesn’t, only because of my suicidality. So once again my thoughts of suicide are hindering my mental health. She needs to talk to my psychiatrist and the group leaders. She said that it is a “slow” process and she will get back to me when all is said and done. Fucking great. I have a feeling this group is out because there is only “light” conversations. You can’t sit there and tell me that other people with chronic pain have never thought of ending their lives. Fuck. I am so aggravated. If I processed things quickly, I would have told her thanks but no thanks. Maybe I will call and leave her a message so she doesn’t have to call anyone or speak to anyone.

So this has put me into a funk. I am sure I will get over it. She is not the first mental health professional to tell me my suicidality is high risk and a “dangerous” topic. I have been turned down by multitudes of therapists because of my high risk. Why should a group be any different. She also said it would be good if I had a therapist. No fucking shit. I am working on that but it’s not so fucking easy.

After the appointment, I went to the square and got a burrito for dinner. I wanted to order Thai food but I didn’t feel like waiting. I wanted to get home because my ankle was starting to bother me. It’s worse now. Which is depressing the fuck out of me. I emailed my psychiatrist and gave her the run down of this blog. I told her I wasn’t hopeful of being admitted to the group. I jokingly said that I must be the only chronic pain person to think of killing themselves. I know this is not true because I have been on chronic pain groups on Facebook and they are really sad the amount of people that want to end their life because of their pain.

My psych was going to talk to my PCP today about my pain. She said she will get back to me if something fruitful arises from the conversation. I am not hopeful about that either. My PCP is stuck on it being a “mental” issue at this point, meaning that I just need to learn to live with the pain. I would be able to, if the pain wasn’t so excruciating at times! It’s not every day I face unbearable pain. I would have attempted suicide by now if that were the case. But when I tell him I am in a bad mood because the pain is out of fucking control, I think that needs to be taken seriously and adjustments need to be made. No amount of mindfulness is going to bring down excruciating physical pain.

disappointing but good day overall

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Disappointing but good day overall

I had my appointment with my PCP this morning. It did not go well. He is reluctant to change my meds to longer acting ones and basically told me to keep doing what I am doing. I emailed my psychiatrist soon after the appointment to let her know what went on. She is going to try and talk to him.

That put me into a funk for most of the day until I had coffee with my cousin. It was good talking to her. I am older than she is but it didn’t matter. We talked about anything and everything. She is really amazed that I have two books out and got published in the New York Times. She is going to read my new book as her mother gave it to her. I hope we can have more coffee times. She is starting a new job tomorrow and I am happy for her.

I am so “high” off coffee right now. I had four shots of espresso, which makes eight total for the day as I had four in the morning before I saw my PCP. I just feel really wired but tired as I have been up so early. I tried to take a nap before I went out to see my cousin but it didn’t work out. I just rested for about 45 minutes.

I am sure my ankle is going to flare up later tonight. It’s quiet now, which is not always a good sign. I still haven’t emailed my psychiatrist about how I am doing. Not being able to get pain relief was a real downer for me. I understand why and it wasn’t like I wanted him to increase what I was on. I just wanted a longer acting medication so my nights weren’t so damn horrible. I see him in three months. It just fucking sucks that I have to keep doing things that aren’t working as well as it should be. I am so sick of the same old same old. But more than that, I am sick of being in pain, which I don’t think my doc got. I told him that it was affecting my mood but it really didn’t register for him and he just asked if I was seeing my psychiatrist. Like that was supposed to make my mood better. I am just so frustrated. The ability of passing the buck is really something. Oh, and he wanted me to see a new doc in the same specialty as the other new doc I saw. I turned him down because I am tired of seeing new docs and not getting any answers, leaving with the same concerns, same meds, and no real change. He also wants me to learn to live with this pain. Yea, okay. I am so tired of the run around.

I hope my psychiatrist is able to talk some sense to my PCP. Or my pain is really going to be the death of me.

nervous about tomorrow

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Nervous about tomorrow

I meet with my PCP tomorrow morning to discuss my pain relief options. I am hoping he will be able to do something for me. I haven’t seen him in two months. He wanted to do a check in at four months but I can’t wait till April to sort out my pain. I will be in the ground. I am going to ask him to be on a long acting pain med and hopefully he will agree to the one I want to be on. Trouble is, I don’t know if he can prescribe it as in the prescribing section of the med when I looked online it said only certain physicians can prescribe it. So I don’t know what that means exactly. And the website wasn’t helpful in telling what kind of physician needed to prescribe it either. I hope I don’t have to go to a pain clinic. That is just a pain in the ass and I know they won’t help. It will be a waste of my time.

I honestly don’t know this PCP too well. I only had one appointment with him. He seems like a nice guy. But I am always hesitant in front of new people to discuss my mental illness. He knows I see a psychiatrist and that is good enough for him. But I will lose my shit if he isn’t going to help me. It will just throw me into despair. At this rate, it won’t take much for me to get there.

Then on Wednesday, I have an appointment with an intake person for this chronic pain group that my psychiatrist had found. I am nervous about that because I don’t know if you need to have a therapist and right now I don’t have one. I am also nervous because of my suicidality can spike at any given time. I don’t know if being “actively” suicidal will bar me from joining this group. The group sounds like something that might help me, at least to know that there are others struggling with the same things.

I am supposed to meet up with my cousin tomorrow. She wants to have coffee and I can’t say no to coffee. I am a little nervous because this is a cousin that I normally don’t talk to that often. She is younger than I am. I still think of her a little kid as I used to watch her when she was little. I was her “boyfriend”. She was a little whippersnapper. But a cute kid. She still is and also is very pretty. Her sisters are as well.

difficult night

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Difficult night

Last night my pain skyrocketed. I had already taken my meds and couldn’t take any more to ease my horrible pain. My ankle and foot were competing as to who was going to hurt more and both were winning. I sunk into a suicidal phase. I reached out to a friend, but was left hanging, literally. I got really mad and I am still mad and disappointed. I should have known better but now I know not to reach out to this person next time I am having a hard time. I then emailed my psychiatrist with exactly what I was going to do today and when the next time I felt like I did last night, I was going to act on it. She called me right away and we talked. She wanted me to email her today to let her know how I was doing. I basically lied and said I was okay. Well, not really, because at that moment I was okay. Now I am not.

I am again thinking of my plan as my pain has returned. It’s not as severe as it was last night. Soon as I am done with writing this blog, I am going to do my preparing. I have to. There is no other way out from under this pain. I am not going to act on it today. I made my sauce and I want to eat it and savor it. It came out really good. I put a lot of meatballs in it. But they are small so they are like appetizers. I put in 40 meatballs and just ate three to see how they were. I have two different kinds. I didn’t realize it until I put them in the pot. Oh well. I love meatballs in sauce. I am going to make spaghetti for dinner. I cannot wait.

The reason I am hurting is because I had to go to Walgreens to pick up my prescriptions. I thought they would have the meatballs I needed to complete my gravy. They were all out. Not even their brand was on the shelf. So that meant I had to go to Stop and Shop, something I wasn’t planning on doing. When I had finished buying my things, I saw my mother waiting on a bench. I asked her what she was doing and she said she was waiting for my aunt and cousin. So I had a ride home. I didn’t have to wait for the damn bus. Saved me from walking. I am glad I was going out the door I came in and not the other door where I cashed out. Otherwise I would have missed my mother.

I didn’t sleep good because I had to take another strong pain pill to get my pain under control. Whenever I take two pills, my sleep is disrupted. I woke up every 2-3 hours. I finally gave up around 0830 and made breakfast. I was kind of worried because the house was silent and usually my mother has the TV going. I quickly checked her bedroom to make sure she wasn’t on the floor because her bed was empty. I went downstairs and she was doing some kind of paperwork. I asked if she was okay and she said she was. She asked why and I said because the house was quiet and I got worried. I then made my bacon sandwich. It was good. I kind of burnt the bacon because the cheese wouldn’t separate from each slice and it annoyed me, temporarily letting me forget about the bacon cooking. I like it burnt so it was no big deal.