Tag: bipolar disorder

it’s late so of course I am up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s late so of course I am up

I was up late talking to a friend of mine that was going through some stuff that had to do with my condition that I deal with. It was good talking to her and though my body is desperately wanting to sleep, my head and my neck is saying, You’re funny, not happening. My neck is filled with tension and I can’t seem to massage it out. I also can’t seem to find a comfortable position with my pillow because of this tension. UGH.

My nephew called me and asked if he could spend the night. I let him in and found out he had smoked some weed and it landed him in the ER because it caused some unpleasant side effects. This isn’t the first time this has happened. Why he continues to smoke the shit is beyond my thinking. I think he get a vasospasm in his neck and that just causes him to panic, hence his trip to the ER. Silly kid. So now I am kind of worried about him, which is also keeping me up.

I bought Neil Gaiman’s latest book, Norse Mythology. OMG brain overload! So much information and words that I can’t pronounce! And I only read a few pages in the first chapter! It’s fascinating but OMG this is going to take some studying and processing. Needless to say, it opened my brain more than caused me to shut it off. Wrong book to read at this hour. Should have picked a psychology book to read. I have three of those lying around waiting to be read.

If I could kill my radiator, I probably would do it right now. It’s been hissing up a storm every hour or so and each time it does, it scares the crap out of me. My PTSD hasn’t had a chance to recover. I keep telling myself it’s the damn radiator and I am safe but I get scared and it doesn’t work. So I freak out until the next hissing. Fun. Another reason I can’t sleep.

I’m so very tired but my brain just won’t shut down. I wish I had a switch like my laptop does. That would be so wonderful. I am going to try and lie down one more time to see if Morpheus will find me. Otherwise, I will go back to Odin and Thor and see what I can get from them.

another day of chronicity

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another day of Chronicity

I had to pick up my prescription, even though it was ordered wrong, I decided to get it. I also needed some other things at Walgreens and so did my mother. I should have taken the rolling bag that I usually use but I used a handbag instead. Huge mistake. By the time I got to the end of the block, my back was aching me. The stuff I had was not heavy. I mean how heavy could 4 boxes of tissues and a thing of juice really be? Plus I had to be careful of my steps because there were parts that weren’t shoveled. I ended up walking in the street most of the way home, being mindful to look up every so often so I didn’t get hit by a car. I had only worn a heavy sweatshirt and I was sweating big time by the time I came home. I had to change my shirt as it was wet. My back was killing me and I couldn’t wait to rest on my bed.

I think I got a cold sore on my lip and it hurts. I have tried several different lip balms but it won’t go away. Guess I am going to have to wait it out. My foot is thanking me kindly for going to Walgreens. I wasn’t going to go but I am almost out of Neurontin so I needed to get my prescription. I wanted to email my neuro and tell her she called it in wrong but I didn’t. I’ll just take lump sums of the 300 mg capsules when I need them rather than taking less pills with the 600 mg tabs. I really am disgusted that my neuro didn’t read my email to change the script.

I had to deal with a troll on Twitter today. I had sent an article about the EFFECT of crisis response plans vs safety contracts. NO where in the article did it say the effectiveness or effective nature of safety contracts. So this bozo, who I have dealt with before, says “should ‘effective’ and safety contract be used in the same sentence”? That wasn’t the scope of the article!! Then I pointed that out to him, after he caused memes and gifs, and other conversations. No response, as usual. I did get a like for pointing out the difference. But everyone else ignored me. Figures. I am having a friend get the article for me as I am not paying $35 for the article. He goes to psych grad school so can get it easily. I need it for my library.

I got an email from my psychiatrist. It was about a group dealing with chronic pain and she was wondering if I was interested in joining. I just sent an email to the interested party and I hope I get a response. I also left a message with a potential new therapist that my friend gave me. I was kind of nervous so it was terrible. I hate leaving messages. I haven’t received a call back yet. I hope I do. I might send her another email as she didn’t respond to the first one. I am really missing having someone to talk to every week. I like talking to my psych every week but we don’t focus on things and it’s not really therapy.

When I see my psych this Friday, I am going to ask her to see if going up on the Zoloft would help me. I have been in a low mood and wonder if increasing the med might help me feel better and not be so destructive when I have a flare up. I hate increasing it but if it will help, I will be for it. It’s been months since my last increase. I just hope I don’t get side effects of an increased dose. That wouldn’t be good. I know my psych is worried about me because I have been seeing her every week since January. Usually I see her every 2-3 weeks. But with the whole no therapy, she has been my sole support. I miss my therapist. I hope the therapist I called today has openings or I will be really sad.

Weird day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness, mood disorders

I was up all night because of pain. I caught a two hour nap and then woke up at 5. I made breakfast as I was hungry, took a shit load of meds, and went back to sleep. Before I did, I emailed my psych saying I wasn’t going to the hosp today. I might go in the afternoon but the morning was out. 

I had a weird dream, one I don’t care to remember because it was so bizarre. I got up and was hungry. It was around 3 pm.my mother wasn’t making anything special so I decided to order a burrito. It was good. They again didn’t give me sour cream or guacamole in it. It was fine.

I went up to my room and it was a sauna. My mother had turned up the heat. I was so hot I took my shirt off and took a nap.I shouldn’t have done that but I was tired. I woke up just in time for my night meds.

I counted each one out as I didn’t have them in my box. Tonight will be the last time doing so. I’m not going to the hospital so I can put my meds in the box tomorrow. I’ll take my chances with my flare ups. I don’t care.

having a hard time with pain and sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Having a hard time with pain and sleep

I slept barely two hours and when I woke up, I was in pain. It was severe enough that I had to take another strong pain pill. Because I went to bed so late, I have decided not to go to the hospital today. I am medicating myself until I sleep for hours on end. I don’t know if I will be successful but I can at least try.

I made breakfast. We are almost out of orange juice so I had apple juice. I was kind of pissed off because I really wanted OJ. My mother bought milk but didn’t buy juice. Figures. I will get some later this afternoon when I go to Walgreens to pick up my wrong prescription. My neurologist called in a refill for the Neurontin but didn’t give me the strength I requested. She just refilled the script that was there. I am so angry because I specifically told her what I wanted in the email. Pisses me off when they can’t fucking read. Now I got a bottle of pills that I need to take multiple quantities of to achieve the dose I need. Just lovely.

I had a sore on my lower lip that was kind of small. Now it seems to have gotten bigger overnight and I just want to slice it open to let the shit out. I’ve been putting Blistex on it but it doesn’t seem to be helping any. It hurts but only if I accidentally hit it while eating. Having breakfast this morning was a challenge. Every bite hurt.

I’m getting sleepy now so I will write more later. I am still waiting for my psych to answer my emails.